Why am I obsessed with cis penises? self.ftm
Submitted an hour ago by
mazhev97
I’m over 10 years into my transition and my dysphoria has been relieved massively in that time. However, I have always struggled with the fact that I will never have a cis penis and sometimes I feel that it borders on an obsession. In photos of men with obvious bulges or even in real life I will find my eyes going to their crotch, or it’s a conscious effort for me not to look. In times where I’d like to be open about being trans, (I’m mostly stealth) I’m held back by the thought that most peoples first thought will be my genitals which I’m clearly not comfortable with.
I’ve always considered myself bisexual but recently got out of a 10-year relationship with a cis woman so I’ve never had to actually think about it that much.
Now I’m single I don’t think I’m particularly attracted to men or want to sleep with them but I am turned on by the idea of a cis penis, making/seeing it get hard and interacting with it. I often wonder if I’m mistaking my desire to have a penis in a sexual situation with attraction to other people with penises. My ex never made me feel inferior for my genitals but I struggled a lot with insecurities over cis men she had slept with. I also have a lot of dysphoria around not being able to stand to pee plus it’s such an inconvenience in men’s bathrooms! I always wear a packer and I’m on a waiting list for lower surgery which I hope will make a difference to how I feel in myself in the future. Is this just internalised transphobia thinking less of myself as a man without a penis? I’ve recently got back in therapy so will be addressing this but just looking for people to relate to.