What did we get stuck in our rectums last year? - I fell on a dildo in the shower, I swear!

Article
https://archive.ph/IobcF

Happy Holidays to one and all. It's time to gather 'round the fire with your loved ones for our nation's oldest and finest tradition: reading about people that jammed things in their holes and couldn't get them out without medical intervention.

All reports are taken from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission's database of emergency room visits, all descriptions are verbatim, and almost all patients made some regrettable decisions.

As always, objects are sorted by orifice, working south:

Ear

• TOY CAR
• TOY WAND
• STYLUS
• GASOLINE
• "FELL DOWN STAIRS, HAS MILD CONCUSSION, ANKLE SPRAIN, EAR BUD STUCK IN EAR"
• BUG, BOBBY PIN
• HEARING AID BATTERY
• "HAS BEEN PUTTING PAPER PRODUCTS IN HER EARS TO KEEP THE COLD OUT"
• SUNFLOWER SEEDS
• PRESS-ON FINGERNAIL
• LOLLIPOP
• "WAS WELDING OVERHEAD AND A PIECE OF METAL FELL ONTO HIS LEFT EAR MELTING HIS EAR PLUG"
• PIECE OF MINIATURE CAMERA
• ROCK
• SAWDUST, PAPER TOWEL
• STENCIL
• "PATIENT STATES ROLLED OVER IN BED ONTO AN ECSTASY PILL AND IT GOT STUCK IN EAR"

Nose

• "WAS SMELLING BATTERY WHEN IT WENT UP NOSTRIL"
• ARTS AND CRAFTS OBJECT
• SEWING NEEDLE
• GLUE STICK
• "PUT AN ALUMINUM FOIL WRAP UP HER RIGHT NOSTRIL AND IMMEDIATELY STARTED CRYING"
• YOGURT
• FLOWER
• FOXTAIL
• FAKE PLANT
• MULTIVITAMIN
• "PUT PIECES OF STYROFOAM CUP IN NOSTRIL. HE WAS SEEN YESTERDAY FOR SAME THING"
• RHINESTONE
• BULLET
• PUPPY TOOTH
• DETERGENT POD
• "WAS DOING A JOKE AND PUT AN EARPHONE COVER IN HIS RIGHT NOSTRIL 2 DAYS AGO"
• MULCH
• CHICKEN NUGGET

Throat

• "FELT LIKE HE HAD SOMETHING IN THE BACK OF HIS THROAT SO HE USED A PAIR OF TWEEZERS TO GRAB IT AND SWALLOWED THE TWEEZERS"
• COAT HANGER
• DREIDEL
• "WAS PULLING A NEW SHIRT (BOUGHT FROM THE THRIFT STORE) OVER HIS HEAD LAST NIGHT AT HOME, WAS TIGHT AROUND THE MOUTH, NOSE WAS STUFFED, SO HE DEEPLY INHALED AND BREATHED IN SEVERAL PIECES OF THREAD OR CLOTH (HE IS NOT SURE WHICH)"
• COUGH MEDICINE CUP
• GRANOLA BAR WRAPPER
• CAULKING, SILICONE PAINT, AND STRING
• "SWALLOWED A MAGNET AT SCHOOL THEN WAS STUNG BY A WASP ON HIS FOOT"
• WOODEN COFFEE STIRRER
• EYELASH COMB
• SMALL SQUISHY PIG TOY
• "HAD 1 SHOT AND 9 BEERS AND THINKS HE SWALLOWED BOTTLE CAP"
• GUITAR PICK
• KEYBOARD KEY
• PLASTIC TABLE FROM PIZZA BOX
• "WAS SITTING UNDER A TREE DRINKING FROM A CUP AND SOMETHING FROM THE TREE FELL IN HIS CUP AND HE SWALLOWED IT"
• TOOTHPASTE FOLLOWED BY A TOOTHBRUSH AND POSSIBLY A TOOTHPASTE CONTAINER
• FISHING WEIGHT
• TEABAG
• "MOM TOLD THE KIDS TO CLEAN UP THEIR MONOPOLY GAME PATIENT CAME TO MOM CRYING SAYS SHE SWALLOWED THE SHOE"
• SHELF BRACKET
• DRILL BIT
• "PATIENT STATES THAT HE SWALLOWED A METAL KEYCHAIN, A RING WHICH HAD A 'VERY HIGH VIBRATION' AND HE BELIEVES THIS WAS CAUSING ABDOMINAL PAIN"
• KETCHUP PACKET
• HONEY MUSTARD PACKET
• 3D SEAHORSE STICKER
• "HAVING SEVERAL DRINKS THIS MORNING, SWALLOWED A SMALL PIECE OF HIS COMPUTER"
• DRY ICE
• ZIPPER
• BUCKEYE NUT
• "WAS CONDUCTING AN EXPERIMENT AND PUT A SAFETY PIN IN A BOTTLE AND BLEW IN THE BOTTLE THE SAFETY PIN WENT INTO HIS OROPHARYNX"
• NAME TAG
• MIRROR
• FIDGET SPINNER
• BELL CLAPPER
• "WAS CHEWING ON A BATTERY WHEN HE POSSIBLY SWALLOWED PART OF IT, ALSO WITH A POPCORN KERNEL IN RIGHT EAR"
• TWO ENGAGEMENT RINGS

Penis

• PHONE CHARGER
• ROLLED BAND-AID
• CRAYON
• PLASTIC SPOON
• PLASTIC SPORK
• CANDLE WAX
• STRAW
• FOLDED DOLLAR BILLS
• YELLOW CHAIN
• 10 INCH LONG SEX TOY
• SCREWDRIVER
• KNIFE HANDLE
• CABLE
• "PATIENT STATED HE WAS DRUNK 2 DAYS AGO AND HIS GIRLFRIEND INSERTED A NECKLACE INSIDE HIS URETHRA WHILE HAVING SEX"
• TIP OF CONDIMENT BOTTLE

Vagina

• NAIL POLISH
• GLITTER
• LIGHT BULB
• BORIC ACID SUPPOSITORIES ACCIDENTALLY PLACED IN URETHRA
• "SHE SWALLOWED A QUARTER AND ALSO SHE BELIEVES SHE HAS A RETAINED CONDOM IN HER VAGINA FROM INTERCOURSE YESTERDAY"
• PENCIL
• PENCIL SHARPENER
• PENCIL GRIP
• MULTIPLE PENS
• BRACELET
• TICK
• "HAS AA BATTERY IN VAGINA, FELT IT COME OUT WHILE USING A STIMULATOR ABOUT 2 WEEKS AGO"
• HAIR BRUSH
• VIBRATOR STUCK FOR 6 DAYS
• ICE CREAM PARLOR PLAYSET
• 3 GRAMS OF COCAINE
• "DID THE SPLITS NEAR A SCREWDRIVER"
• GLOVE AND SPONGES
• CROCHET HOOK
• RAT TOY
• DOG CHAIN
• "PATIENT ADMITS TO EXTREME INTOXICATION YESTERDAY EVENING AT THE BAR, SHE WAS HITTING HER HEAD AGAINST A GLASS WINDOW AND ENDED UP CRACKING IT, SHE THEN PUNCHED A COP CAR HAS HAND PAIN, SHE REPORTS INSERTED THE BACK OF A DART INTO HER VAGINA"

Rectum

• ICE CREAM SCOOP
• EYEBROW TOOL
• SHOT GLASS
• MOUTHWASH BOTTLE CAP
• MOUSSE BOTTLE CAP
• COLOGNE BOTTLE
• SHAMPOO BOTTLE AND TOOTHBRUSH
• "HIS GIRLFRIEND MADE LARGE SYMMETRICAL OBJECT OUT OF TINFOIL WRAPPED IN PAPER TOWELS AND PLACED IN CONDOM AND PUT IT IN HIS RECTUM AND THEN COULD NOT RETRIEVE IT"
• CIGARETTE LIGHTER
• CANDLE
• MARBLE
• 7 INCH LONG GLASS BOTTLE
• "BELIEVES HE PLACED A PEN IN HIS RECTUM THE DAY PRIOR, HE STATES THAT THERE WAS ALCOHOL INVOLVED"
• 3 CELLPHONES
• 2 DILDOS
• "PATIENT STATES ACCIDENTALLY SAT ON CONE SHAPED TOY IN THE SHOWER"
• LINT BRUSH
• POOL NOODLE
• ROLLING PIN
• "PUT A SCREW IN HIS RECTUM BECAUSE HE WAS CURIOUS"
• SCREWDRIVER
• TOY DINOSAUR
• SPOON
• POCKETKNIFE
• "STATES THAT EARLIER THIS AFTERNOON HE WAS 'TRYING TO BE FUNNY' AND SHOVED A PLASTIC BOTTLE UP HIS RECTUM"
• TOILET PLUNGER
• CANDLE HOLDER
• UNKNOWN AMOUNT OF MAGNETIC BALLS
• "INSERTED SOME ANAL BEADS INTO RECTUM THURSDAY, FELL ASLEEP AND NOTICED TODAY THAT THEY WERE NOT WHERE SHE HAD LEFT THEM"
• SHAVING CREAM BOTTLE
• PVC PIPE
• JIGSAW PIECES
• ZUCCHINI
• "PRESENTS WITH A BUTT PLUG STUCK IN HER RECTUM. REPORTS SHE WAS USING IT AND GOT UP QUICKLY TO ANSWER THE DOOR"
• GOLF BALL
• ORANGE
• "STATES HE STUCK A PEN IN BUTT TO SCRATCH AN ITCH AND IT WENT UP HIS BUTT"
• CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT
• CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTS
• PLASTIC LIGHTSABER
• CORN-ON-THE-COB HOLDER
• FRUIT ROLL-UP

 

[Al from Dadeville]

Ticks? In my vagina? It’s more likely than you think!

 

[Battlecruiser3000ad]

PUT PIECES OF STYROFOAM CUP IN NOSTRIL. HE WAS SEEN YESTERDAY FOR SAME THING
And I'm not going to stop

 

[Al from Dadeville]

If you go to the ER and tell them you lost a tampon you’ll get fingerbanged and your insurance will pay for it

 

[Still Exceptional]

Only thing I got stuck in my rectum was a turd. Took 40 minutes of grunting and praying to excise that demon.

Eat your fiber, kids.

 

[TowinKarz]

I got math problems stuck in my rectum, but I worked it out with a pencil.

 

[Dr. Henry Armitage]

• 3 CELLPHONES
• 2 DILDOS

And a partridge in a pear tree

 

[Cpl. Long Dong Silver]

• PENCIL
• PENCIL SHARPENER
• PENCIL GRIP
• MULTIPLE PENS

This was all the same person

 

[DiggieSmalls]

"STATES THAT EARLIER THIS AFTERNOON HE WAS 'TRYING TO BE FUNNY' AND SHOVED A PLASTIC BOTTLE UP HIS RECTUM"

What kind of friends group does this guy have that he'd think the boys would howl over him shoving bottles up his ass? I think its commonly referred to as the Rekeita Special around here.

 

[Kari Kamiya]

My reaction:

"WAS WELDING OVERHEAD AND A PIECE OF METAL FELL ONTO HIS LEFT EAR MELTING HIS EAR PLUG"

That heat must've been hell.

"PATIENT STATES ROLLED OVER IN BED ONTO AN ECSTASY PILL AND IT GOT STUCK IN EAR"

More like he was high on ecstasy and stuffed it in his ear.

"WAS SMELLING BATTERY WHEN IT WENT UP NOSTRIL"

Which battery is the "best" battery to get high off of?

"PUT PIECES OF STYROFOAM CUP IN NOSTRIL. HE WAS SEEN YESTERDAY FOR SAME THING"

Supervise your stupid kids.

"SWALLOWED A MAGNET AT SCHOOL THEN WAS STUNG BY A WASP ON HIS FOOT"

lol

EYELASH COMB

Why is this a thing?

PLASTIC TABLE FROM PIZZA BOX

Fatty.

"MOM TOLD THE KIDS TO CLEAN UP THEIR MONOPOLY GAME PATIENT CAME TO MOM CRYING SAYS SHE SWALLOWED THE SHOE"

Kids will be kids.

"WAS CHEWING ON A BATTERY WHEN HE POSSIBLY SWALLOWED PART OF IT, ALSO WITH A POPCORN KERNEL IN RIGHT EAR"

What the fuck.

TICK

"My Momma taught me to never kiss and tell, and by golly, patient confidentiality is a godsend!"

"DID THE SPLITS NEAR A SCREWDRIVER"

Uh huh.

"PATIENT ADMITS TO EXTREME INTOXICATION YESTERDAY EVENING AT THE BAR, SHE WAS HITTING HER HEAD AGAINST A GLASS WINDOW AND ENDED UP CRACKING IT, SHE THEN PUNCHED A COP CAR HAS HAND PAIN, SHE REPORTS INSERTED THE BACK OF A DART INTO HER VAGINA"

Was this ever reported by local news?

UNKNOWN AMOUNT OF MAGNETIC BALLS

Wh-what? You mean they still haven't gotten them all out?

• "INSERTED SOME ANAL BEADS INTO RECTUM THURSDAY, FELL ASLEEP AND NOTICED TODAY THAT THEY WERE NOT WHERE SHE HAD LEFT THEM"
• "PRESENTS WITH A BUTT PLUG STUCK IN HER RECTUM. REPORTS SHE WAS USING IT AND GOT UP QUICKLY TO ANSWER THE DOOR"

"She".

 

[DumbDude43]

>Vagina
>DOG CHAIN

do i even have to say it

 

[browserbowser]

VIBRATOR STUCK FOR 6 DAYS

What an ad for Energizer

 

[Tasty Tatty]

The more info they give, the more bullshit is the explanation. Except this one:

"FELT LIKE HE HAD SOMETHING IN THE BACK OF HIS THROAT SO HE USED A PAIR OF TWEEZERS TO GRAB IT AND SWALLOWED THE TWEEZERS"

Sounds like something I'd do, hahahaha.

VIBRATOR STUCK FOR 6 DAYS

He-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-l-p m-e-e-e-e....

 

[Vesperus]

These people can vote.

 

[WelperHelper99]

These people can vote.

Hey... we all make mistakes. Even if these mistakes are shoving screwdrivers up our penises. The important thing is that we learn something

 

[Uncle Phil]

I swear to God doc, I tripped backward and it was a million-to-one-shot

 

[Bland Crumbs]

The answer is never "our head" not once. Yet it is leading the league every year.

 

[Vesperus]

The answer is never "our head" not once. Yet it is leading the league every year.

But what about the little head?

 

[Troon_Patrol]

I think the explainations are far more entertaining than the objects themselves.

 

[Barry Williams]

One time when I was in college a friend of mine got a large silicone egg stuck in his ass. He called me in a panic for some reason as if I could do anything. I couldn't stop laughing and I sometimes reflect on this and feel bad about it.

He did eventually get it out though.