evolutionary component in that for hundreds of thousands if not millions of years females where better off pairing with violent psychos that would protect them than well mannered soygrugs who would get clobbered and eaten by the psychogrugs, and their women raped/also eaten.
And also, sometimes we are stupid.
@Friend of Dorothy Parker Not my target audience? What does that mean?
I was joking bc I'm your mother's age, very possibly.
That was another sideways joke about the fact it was an emoji smile, and an emoji of Chris Chan.
You derive dopamine from positive emotions and interactions with people.
Sure. I also like giving people dopamine (or whatever) bumps. Then again, irl I have also been called intimidating throughout my life, so it's possible my interest in all that good nature is also partly a way to diffuse that perception or counter my otherwise
aggressive assertive nature, or whatever it is I give off that is intimidating. But yeah, I like relating with people when I can or am in the mood, and I also recognize the soothing/positive benefits to myself to stop a second and be a congenial person. And yes, I possess some innate abilities to be charming and friendly, so it's not an alien language to me, but it is one I had to make a point to develop.
I derive dopamine from the confrontation of others, and another aspect I was very reluctant to mention, but I think it's necessary for our talk here: My performance in a theoretical combat situation. I have to be sure when I'm looking at someone. How quickly can they subdue me and overwhelm me, how well armed are they? How quickly can they attack my vital points? You don't know when the next dude may be carrying a knife and just slashes your penis and testicles off, goes for your eyes, causes some irreparable harm to your cock/vital life sustaining organs. ETC. Thus I have to surround myself with weapons and constantly practice in the event of a theoretical combat situation. Close range, long range, ETC.
Lemme ask you: you ever been in that kind of situation? I have an acquaintance who has legit PTSD. He has been in combat, killed many people - from a distance and up very close - and also has a personal childhood history that involved severe physical and mental abuse (I'm talking baseball-bat-level abuse). I know that when he goes into any situation, he's assessing - the people, the exit routes, the vulnerabilities, who's likely to be either useful or problematic. He never sits with his back to a door, and his most recent family vacation to some large, busy places was a constant exercise in vigilance and protective planning for his wife and kids.
His vigilance (and generally, thank God for it) I can understand. He spent a years in combat, much of which was in an urban setting, where anyone could be or have a weapon, and there were just a handful of men overseeing an entire city full of death-loving people whose greatest call to glory would be to kill the foreign "occupiers.". And yet, he now (very recently) acknowledges that his hypervigilance is borne of the war experience (and also likely of his growing-up experience, in which he was beaten not only for himself but also took the blows that would otherwise have gone to his younger brothers). In other words, there's a cause for it. Not that he wants to or is trying to change it, but he understands it is atypical and largely became so significant a marker as a result, in addition to maybe inborn tendencies, of actual and real, life-threatening experiences. It doesn't make life easy. He is quick to anger and action, sometimes outsized relative to actual situations. He knows it causes friction in life and sometimes makes paths harder than they need to be. But - there's an explanation. And - he does now acknowledge that it's not always the best approach in everyday life and work. Not saying he doesn't believe it is necessary; he does. It's just that he sees that not every situation is the same level of threat. So I suppose I'm asking if you really think your stated orientation is what you want and/or necessary.
And that's why I've shed that metaphysical concept of humanity, I've gone beyond it. I will always serve and protect the people around me, I will always be a slave to them. I will always fake my humanity to fit in. But I'll never really be anything beyond that. Much as you have worker ants, worker termites, there are different "Castes" of humans. I will never be the same Human as you. And I can never hope to be. Socially, sexually, and in terms of my life worth, I will always be a weak, sad shell of what you call "Human." Unworthy of the title.
As before, this perspective is in many ways a
choice. You may be different than most, but that doesn't mean you are either not-human or "less than." The world is full of weirdos or people who feel alienated or separate. And the ones who choose - instead of fetishizing or dooming themselves to the peculiarities that make them unhappy - to consider the possibility that perhaps they are not completely doomed, not totally irredeemable, not permanent freaks trapped by certain predelictions, are the ones who find greater satisfaction.
Meaning: if you're not content or satisfied with your tendencies or your perception of "how you are," then you're missing something important in your analysis/way of life. And what you're missing isn't a fixed thing you're forever hostage of, but rather a result of the decision not to make an effort to get to contentment or reasonable satisfaction.
Tl; dr: you may be weird, but you're also not happy/content, which means that something in you knows there are different things out there, which you could access to some degree if you decided to.
