Alice PartyPants' "Walker Wright"'s Periscope broadcast, Wednesday, April 27, 7-10 p.m. Eastern Between 7 and 13 viewers
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Alice: —so are the rest of you just here for screenshots, so you can talk about me on Reddit?
(Alice grins, leans out of frame, lights a pipe, inhales.)
Commenter: Pass it!
Alice: Pass what?
(Alice coughs)
Alice: Pass what? What are you talking about? Pass beer?
(Alice grins.)
(A commenter says, "Not the beer.")
Alice: Hang on. (looks down) I'm not tamping, it's just out, man. (Smoke fills screen.) I never do it right, like ever. Ever. And that is not the marra-ja-wanna, kids, that is....not marra ja wanna. Fuck my balls. Come on, dude. (Bends out of screen, inhales) So is anyone actually gonna interact or is it pretty much, 'Let's watch Partypants be a trainwreck so we can talk about it?' Whatever.
(Alice leans in to screen, applies lipstick)
Alice: And there's your screenshot.
(A commenter asks, "Do you have questions for us?")
Alice: I always love to hear what brought someone to GOMI. That's always my question.
(A commenter asks, "If it's not marijuana, what is it?")
Alice: It's, um.
(A commenter says, "Young House Love.")
Alice: I wanna know where the hell they went. I saw he did a post like the other day or something. I DO HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU GUYS! I do have a question for you guys. Does anyone like "Modern Family," or am i a loser? I'm really into "Modern Family" right now for some reason. (Commenter says they watch it.) YAY, someone else is into "Modern Family." (Keeps talking about the show) (Adjusts shirt) C'MON, girls, work with me here. (Keeps talking about Young House Love.)
(A commenter says they are on GOMI for the "WeddingBee snark.")
Alice: —I'm trying to binge watch ("Modern Family") but I can only do it in blocks because, you know, stuff to do.
(The conversation turns back to WeddingBee/ThatWife)
Alice: I mean, I can't say much. I'm a fuckin' trainwreck .... I'm a trainwreck, but Jesus Christ, at least I turned the train wreck off a couple months ago. Yeah, there's a whole WeddingBee thread on GOMI. I feel weird because I don't really get, like I start reading it and I don't know who they're talking about or whatever 'cause it seems to be very ancillary. There's these in-jokes. You have to know someone. I don't really get it. I wish I could get it, you know?
(A commenter says they are on GOMI because of Katie Bower.)
Alice: Katie Bower and her crack house. I remember that one. Fine. Yeah, good times. Yeah, I love "Modern Family." What else. Any of you guys have cats? (Laughs)
(A commenter says they are on GOMI because of "GhostBev.")
Alice: GhostBev! It's going to be funny forever. That's why there's the ghost emoji in the forums, so we can all do that. Ghost Bev is the best. She is like, the joke that doesn't get old. And you know, she got pregnant again with her new guy. (Gets distracted by her cats in the background.) Oh, there he goes, there's a cat. Pancakes, taking off. Not everyone enjoys NOT-MARIJUANA smoke, so. I still kind of actually wonder about Bev, like, did she have the baby, whatever?
(A commenter asks, "Were there 2015 GOMI awards this year or did i miss it?")
Alice: God, thank you! I keep forgetting to do the voting. I swear to god, it's gonna be like June .... I swear, I swear, I swear I'll get the GOMI awards up. Probably by June."
(A commenter asks who GhostBev is.)
Alice: Settle in. Get a drink. Settle in. Do some shopping. Come back. Seriously, settle in. HEY!
(Alice gets up, walks off screen, smacks pack of cigarettes against her hand.)
Alice: Sorry to disgust everyone. I'm moving to cigarettes instead of...not cigarettes. No, where's the opening thing?
(Laughs, shouts at window.)
Alice: NO! Drunky Dickhead. Yeah, so, GhostBev. Around 2014 (lights cigarette)
(Shouts at window again.)
Alice: All the way up! This chick shows up on GOMI who had like a thread with two posts. I guess she found it. She shows up, then pretends she's gonna go away now. Then, like, ten white knights show up — all with her IP address.
(A commenter says that then, GhostBev "died."
Alice: Yes, then she dies. I'm not there. Hang in. I said, "settle in." Put on "The View" for a minute. So, she comes in with ten white knights, all under her IP address, talking about how great Beverly is. So, then, that finally stops and her (air quotes) husband (air quotes, and then more air quotes) shows up claiming that Beverly died in a car crash and, "I hope you all feel bad about yourselves." Same IP address. Still her. When I called her out, she was like, her sister or neighbor created an account. I mean, you just pulled the oldest, lamest troll ever. "She's dead. I hope you're happy." Yup, it was her, and if you actually go to the GOMI main page, down at the bottom of the page.
(A commenter says that GhostBev came back from the dead.)
Alice: Oh, yes fucking way she came back from the dead like three times — same IP address continuing to comment on her thread. It was so ridiculous.
(A commenter likens it to LiveJournal ca. 2005.)
Alice: YES, that is exactly what I said. SO LiveJournal. "She's dead and I hope you're happy." But they keep being around. So LiveJournal. It's absolutely a GOMI classic. That's why, like, in the title of the front page post, it was, "GOMI Classics." [Editor's note: the title of the thread is actually "Forum Hall Of Fame: Beverly And The Haunting Of GOMI Manor"]
Alice: It was hysterical. It was so ridiculous.
(A commenter says GhostBev happened around the same time as the forum thread that discussed "Grocery Store People.")
Alice: You know, what's funny — someone actually sent me La Croo-sette salt and pepper shakers as a gift and it had nothing to do with GOMI and it just cracked me up. It's actually a friend of mine who got the salt and pepper shakers as an engagement present .... (these days) I basically cut off pieces of cheese and put it on Triscuits. Or ramen, lately. Sorry, sometimes I feel like the only person who has to pay income taxes in April.
(Alice continues talking about "grocery store people" and gestures to something in the background, saying it's "fake.")
Alice: So, it's become dark since I started this. Can you guys see me?
(A commenter asks if the brick wall is fake.)
Alice: Wait, what's fake? Which thing? Yeah, it's fake! I did the — it's actual brick, it's just real thin-cut real brick, you can just slice it and put it up on the wall and grout it in between the brick. I actually did it in the bedroom too. They're the actual external walls of the building, so it looked like it would be real. I used Brickweb on a meshed tile and there's 12 of them on a sheet. It's so fast and amazing. Highly recommend the Brickweb. The worst part is doing the grout. It's really messy. I hope you have someone around you who loves you and can see you naked with grout on this area (gesturing to stomach) while you hold a grout bag and do this. But yeah, I love it. It's exactly the look I was going for and it's actually the same price I was going for. It's less expensive than doing actual brick with all the scaffolding shit you need to hold the weight and incredibly more easy to do. It's actually the same price as Thin Brick and takes a third of the time to put up and I recommend OmniGrip mastic. Smear it all in, slap it up. I really like DIY stuff. Oh man, fuck spacers. The Brickweb stuff — it's pre-spaced on the web and even when you're fitting the next one on, it's pre-spaced. Well, I somehow managed it, because I'm special, clearly. Oh, wow, my computer's gonna die in a minute.
(A commenter asks what the best hardware store is in New York and Alice says homedepot.com because they deliver. She swigs some more beer.)
Alice: Hah! I got a heart! (dances) Wait, so when's Jenna's thing? That's like, two hours from now, right.
(Alice leans in to camera)
Alice: OKAY, GUYS LET'S TALK ABOUT HATERS OR TROLLS.
(A commenter asks if GOMI meetups are generally just with people who live in New York.)
Alice: Yeah, whoever's in New York City. One second. Literally going right there because that's how large my awesomely millionaire apartment in New York City is. What do you want.
(Alice gets up and walks off-screen.)
Alice: (from off-screen) Oh, look at my glamorous apartment.
(Alice, still off-screen, starts yelling.)
Alice: OKAY. SEE YOU. HAVE A NICE WEEKEND, DUDE. OKAY. SEE YOU.
(Alice returns to her chair in front of the computer. A commenter says something about how they see one of her cats.)
Alice: I have neighbors who can see into every side of this apartment. Which cat? Oh, that's Pancakes. I did what an hour ago? Shit, what time is it?
(Alice looks back at her cat.)
Alice: HAH, well, now, he's going under the amazing (IKEA) Karlstad.
(Alice gives a thumbs up to the camera. A commenter says the Karlstad is what Young House Love had.)
Alice: Well, that's Baconcat under the table there. He's the shorthair. Pancakes has, apparently, started to go take a moment under the sofa, so i'm going to respect his choices. Okay, so I'm supposed to. Who has a Karlstaad, me? Who?
(Alice swigs beer. The commenter says again that Young House Love had one.)
Alice: I feel like I missed something. Oh! Sherry and John. For the record, I didn't keep up with them that much. I didn't know they had it when I got mine. I got mine really cheap because they were discontinuing it, so I got two grey slipcovers on eBay, but I have this friend who makes slipcovers — okay, ex-boyfriend, in Poland. I get around. Well, I used to get around. God. He makes the leather ones, the leather slipcovers, and he wants to send me a camel one.
(A commenter says, "a real Pole from Poland?")
Alice: Yes, a real Jew from Poland! Boy, are my parents upset I didn't lock that one down.
(A commenter asks why Alice started GOMI and Alice says it was because she was writing about Julia Allison for ReBlogging NonSociety and people liked it. Alice rubs her lips.)
Alice: That's partly why I started GOMI — I'm sorry, I have chapped lips. I'm not being weird. Oh my god, it's gonna drive me crazy. I got tired of talking about Julia Allison all the time. It felt like she was ending her relevancy cycle for me, pretty much that. And also to get really really rich.
(Alice rolls her eyes, puts her pipe in her mouth, leans off screen, inhales, coughs, returns to the screen and grins.)
Alice: Don't worry, your ad money doesn't pay for that.
(Alice leans off screen and smokes again.)
Alice: It has helped me deal with GOMI though.
(Someone asks what Alice's favorite "fail-chievement" category is.)
Alice: Myself! Wow, I should probably hang this up now. Uh, "fail-chievement" category, no, I love them all.
(Alice looks at her beer bottle.)
Alice: Wow, this is when you know you're not drinking anymore. It's room temperature, so you're not even interested anymore. I'm gonna go over in my amazingly large apartment is and get a beer. OOH LOOK AT HOW BIG MY APARTMENT IS. LOOK AT WHAT YOUR AD MONEY IS PAYING FOR
(Alice moves the camera so it pans over to her fridge. A commenter says Alice should Periscope more.)
Alice: Probably not. This tape isn't holding. We can not ALL get tripods for these things. I'll be writing a letter to Gorilla Tape later. Also, BYE! I actually have to hit the road in about ten minutes so.
(Alice waves goodbye.)
Alice: Should I just, like, pose badly so there can be screenshots or should I? What? Deal with my hair, maybe.
[Editor's note, Alice says she has to leave in ten minutes at 8:28 p.m. She does not end her Periscope for another two hours.]
(A commenter thanks her for doing the Periscope.)
Alice: You bet. It was cool, I guess. It was weird for me. Thanks for showing up, though.
(Alice swigs beer. A commenter asks if this is her first Periscope broadcast.)
Alice: I think it's, like, my third. I haven't done one in about a year, mainly because of this. I'm really bad at it. I'm not good at just sitting around.
(A commenter tells Alice it's "time to refill the gin" and complain about her children like ThatWife.)
Alice: I haven't had gin since November, so .... and unfortunately, after ten years, my pets are fairly well behaved, not screaming at me so I can snapchat about it. Sorry, guys. God, now I miss gin. Oh, Hendrick's, why didn't you work well with my body?
(A commenter says that most Periscope broadcasts are terrible.)
Alice: Are they? I've seen Jenna and Stasia. I follow a few people. One is this guy in England who walks around parks. It looks like you guys are getting more interactive, which is helpful for me because i'm not a personal blogger person who sits around talking about themselves, so this is weird for me. The first time, I was looking at maps and walking around Brooklyn....but there are bloggers who insist on Snapchatting while driving. Like, STOP.
(Alice leans off screen, smokes, inhales, coughs on screen.)
Alice: I can't even with the people who Snapchat while they're driving. Like, please, just don't. Just do not do that.
(A commenter asks, isn't that illegal?)
Alice: I think is IS. Actually, I mean, texting while driving is illegal in a lot of places, so Snapchatting has to be illegal as well, right?
(Alice reapplies lipstick.)
Alice: I'm actually curious, can you guys see each other's comments or do I need to read them out loud?
(A commenter asks where Alice is "hitting the road" to.)
Alice: No, I'm actually. I'm gonna be here. Um. I'm doing a thing with some friends. Here. So. But I kept thinking, like, they're not gonna be here 'till 10:30. I have to get around and clean the house. But, whatever. Good enough, right? They're my friends. Deal with some cat hair on the chair, am I right? AND HE CLOSED THE WINDOW BEFORE HE LEFT. Thanks, dickhead. No, I would not marry you again.
(Alice gets up and walks off screen)
Alice: Because some people don't know how to leave a window open. I'm just saying, in case YOU watch this later.
(Alice holds up a copy of Betty Neels' 2004 romance novel, "The Right Kind of Girl.")
Alice: How about this? Mind-expanding literature. They have all these sales around Brooklyn and I just keep buying Harlequin romance novel-type shit.
(Alice begins to pretend to sob.)
Alice: And I am just DONE being ashamed. I think if a woman wants to read her feelings in a romance novel-type paperback, hashtag yes I am so brave. Yes, yes I like some cheap paperback novels. It's like beach weather hashtag so brave. Yes, I am so brave.
(Alice begins to pretend to sob.)
(A commenter asks, did you just say you would not marry that guy again?)
Alice: Who, my neighbor? Yeah, I did say that to my neighbor. Because he's marrying my neighbor. My neighbors and i hang out a lot, is the back story to that. But, yeah our joke is, as of that engagement party, he would marry me because he wouldn't have to move much furniture. We can't all have Park Slope lofts. Wow, it smells like Amsterdam here. Oh, and it should be clear about my neighbors, I'm friends with her and I'm friends with him and I'm friends with them both. I would not marry him. But it all came about because of the joke at the engagement party, because if he married me, he wouldn't have to move much furniture. Just to explain that.
(Alice smokes more off screen, comes back on screen and waves hands in her air.)
Alice: And that is my impression of plastic arm wavy guys outside car dealerships
(A commenter asks if Alice would get married again, but she is leaning off-screen, inhaling.)
Alice: (off screen) Down the shirt. Down the shirt! Oh my god, I am awesome. I saved it.
(Alice comes back on-screen.)
Alice: So, what are you guys doing tonight? I might go on OKCupid.
(A commenter says it's 2 a.m. and she can't sleep.)
Alice: It's 2 a.m. there? Why are you on periscope? Shouldn't you be sleeping or something? Well, how about you guys! Who's your favorite hate read? Um, besides me.
(A commenter says "KERF." Alice reads the screen and dances.)
Alice: You guys don't wanna see me dance again. Do you wanna see me dance again? I know you don't. I know you don't. Okay, no one's answering.
(A brief conversation ensues between Alice and someone who says they don't read many blogs because Google Reader is defunct. Alice taps out her pipe.)
Alice: Come ON. Ugh, God. When a pipe loves something very very much it might want to smoke it. So. YEAH. That's a "yeah" to all three of you.
(A commenter asks what Alice's favorite threads are and says they enjoy the Members Only threads.)
Alice: Yeah, "Members Only" seems to be where it's at right now for a lot of people.
(Alice smokes a cigarette.)
Alice: Yeah, That Wife is my favorite [thread] right now just because it's like a three-chin what the fuck.
(Alice contorts herself so she is recoiling with her chin against her throat. A commenter says they are just worried about people registering and finding out details about other forum members.)
Alice: Uh, certain sections of Members Only, the Ask a Hamcat, and TTC and all that stuff — that is actually at a higher post count, so you have to be a ham who's been participating a while before you can see that stuff. It's for you guys' privacy. So it's not just someone who can join GOMI and see you guys talking about your husbands and shit. Yeah!
(A commenter says they are a Senior Hamcat.)
Alice: You're a Senior Hamcat!? My cats are Senior Hamcats, at ten years old.
(A commenter says they want to get to Expert level.)
Alice: Are you really DYING to get to Expert? Girl, if you're dying to get to Expert, just message me and say you were on the Periscope.
(Alice's dog makes motions in the background.)
Alice: Oh, who wants to see the dog go crazy? The neighbors are coming home. The third-floor neighbors, not mine. You know, I feel like my Snapchat is super boring. Like, I don't binge drink anymore so, you know, my Snapchat is super boring. Cats, where are you going? Okay, see you. Where do they go? They have important cat business? No, I mean, I feel like that's the kind of shit I would do. Of course, now, I just don't. I have HEARD I have two kids. I heard that from the Internet. Hang on, mommy moment.
(Alice gets up, walks to her couch, and looks at her dog getting under a blanket.)
Alice: Sometimes, he needs help. Not this time. Now I don't feel needed.
(Alice pretends to cry. She swigs from her beer bottle. Her cats distract her from off screen, and she walks over and picks one of them up.)
Alice: So, when one of your kids mounts your other kid you have to do this. Okay, distraction, distraction. Let's try to not butt-sex your brother, okay? You're not Josh Duggar all right? Thank you. Thank you, sweetie. No, seriously, my cats are trained to come to certain noises.
(A commenter says that KERF wearing a Mary Kay director's suit to the White House was one of their favorite moments on GOMI. Another commenter says that Alice's review of the Gluten Free Girl book was her favorite post.)
Alice: Yeah, KERF wearing Mary Kay was one of my favorite stories of this year. Yeah. It's not like she wore the blazer out of necessity. Gluten Free Girl was your favorite review? Book club is starting up again in May. Yeah, people were saying she [KERF] borrowed it from that girl she was staying with?
(Alice looks down at her shirt. A commenter says they doubt if ThatWife actually thrifts her outfits.)
Alice: Just stay UP and stay covered. I don't know if Jenna actually thrifts.
(Alice puts a new cigarette in her mouth, wrong end in.)
Alice: That's what happens when you smoke...not marijuana. Legal things. (Pauses.) You guys realize I'm making fun of Jenna, right, with the? I mean, I hope you guys get that.
(Alice sings. She asks if anyone thinks her cats are getting too much screen time. A commenter asks if Alice is stressed about Mother's Day coming up.
Alice: Stressing about Mother's Day? I totally am. Oh, yeah.
(Alice gets up and walks off-screen. She returns, waves her beer bottle around, and says she doesn't understand why ThatWife has so many accounts on social media. A commenter asks how frequently Alice has to ban people and for what.)
Alice: God, I haven't banned anyone since December? January, I think? It's been a really long time. And why? Usually, repeated comment policy violations or spamming. Or, I have banned, like, two people in the last eight years for just — repeated ham complaints about them. Like, they're just instigating or starting fights and it's been going for months and it's running off users — and not just one or two users, but a large number of users. I'll ban them. But it's been two people — what's the one — New Year New You and this other one and their screen name was like, Fucking Dogs or something. That's that. I banned that Linda Sundry chick (from Sundry Mouning) one night. Yeah, it was gross. Because she was clearly in the midst of her emotional crazy shit and I didn't want her posting shit I knew she would regret. So I did ban her for 72 hours. She was really nutburgers. Personally, I think I did her a favor.
(A commenter asks what happened to GOMI poster Green Jello.)
Alice: I have no idea with Green Jello. I think that Green Jello person — I don't know. They keep crossing the line a lot and it's getting old.
(A commenter says something about Linda Sundry.)
Alice: Yeah, she was robo tripping. Oh, I don't know what that means, truck stop guy! Basically it's when you, like, you can actually microwave the Robitussin and do the taste thing and put it in vodka. Oh, I don't know ANYONE who EVER did that. I'm the best liar ever. You can do that. But I think that's what she was doing. People envision chugging and that's actually not the way you do it.
(A commenter says something about codeine cough syrup.)
Alice: I will say — cocaine and Mt. Dew? What's up, bitch? Better with Mt. Dew in the freezer so you get the flakes. Um, why don't I remember college? It's pretty messed up, but maybe some of THEM are just trying to find THEMSELVES.
(Alice gestures and points at herself.)
Alice: God, I feel weird that I'm sitting in the dark and look like a skull-ah-tin.
(Alice swigs beer. There is some more conversation about GhostBev.)
[Editor's note: It is now 9:10 — 40 minutes after Alice had to "hit the road."]
(A commenter asks "is there anyone gone that you miss?" Alice reads it and ignores. Someone else says something about the "Ghostbusters" movie reboot. FIXED, c/o
/u/PickyWolverine: Alice says she loved Melissa McCarthy's performance in the movie "Spy." Someone points out that "Ghostbusters" won't be out until July.)
Alice: Wait, it's not out yet? Really? I thought "Ghostbusters" came out in March. Or is that when I heard about it?
(Alice starts talking about how she just bought another movie's soundtrack on iTunes. She dances in her seat and quotes from it.)
Alice: I can tell everyone's mad I said the r-word. I was just quoting the movie. It did make me very uncomfortable.
(A commenter asks if Alice thinks big bloggers are on GOMI snarking on their competition.)
Alice: I don't really think about it that much, honestly. Yeah, you don't think so? Yeah, I don't really think about that or try and find out because I don't really care.
(Alice adjusts her shirt.)
Alice: Come on, girls.
(Alice reapplies lipstick.)
Alice: But if they are, they have as much right as anyone to come complain about their competition. I apparently weigh 300 pounds and live in a basement under a bridge. Well, I get regularly told I suck as a mod and an admin because I don't come in and tell you guys to stop fighting with each other. Yeah, I get told that a lot. You're fucking adults. You wanna fight in the thread? Work it out amongst yourselves. I don't wanna spend my life dealing with a thread.
(A commenter mentions how Alice got judged on Reddit for saying marijuana brownies were a waste.)
Alice: Well. we were just gonna disagree so I just shut up. My feelings about pot brownies, y'know. I had and have an opinion about — putting pot in food is a fucking waste. JOINT? What are we, me two weeks ago? Get a pipe. In Brooklyn, you won't get arrested smoking a joint but if you're smoking a pipe you'll get a ticket. Happened to a friend of me. It happened to my cat. I understand, some people, they need to take their pot in an edible, but for me it's a waste. I could smoke that nug for a day, day and a half, and you're gonna rip it up and put it in a brownie? What a waste. Wow, everyone went really quiet. Did I do something? I love it when people are like HOW WOULD YOU FEEL ABOUT— yeah, shut up, there are like, 15 places talking about me.
(Alice adjusts her video set-up.)
Alice: WHOA. THIS FUCKING — I swear to God, I'm writing a letter to Gorilla Tape. Okay. It's sticking. My weirdest thing is when people go, "If they're talking shit, you're doing it right." No, if they're talking shit, you're a trainwreck. That's why people talk about me. I'm a fuckin' trainwreck. Just don't read it. That's what I do. Oh my god, of course they are. And, you know, everyone talks shit about each other and everyone else behind each other's backs. That's all GOMI is, it's just public and anonymous. Jesus Christ, I have fucking girlfriends and they talk shit about other girlfriends. There was a night, couple nights ago, I posted a screencap from that show "The Boys," [sic] and her friend is planning this elaborate bridal shower and [main character] P.J. [Franklin] goes, "What happened to getting our nails done and talking shit?" C'mon, ladies you all do it in real life or on the internet. And if someone shares to you, never talk to that bitch again. She'll do it again and if she's telling you about it, fuck her. One second.
(Alice leans out of frame, lights her pipe, and inhales. A commenter says that when they have a long day at work, nothing makes them feel better than GOMI.)
Alice: Amen, girl. I wouldn't spend so much time on it if I didn't love it.
(Commenter says it makes them happy to be able to "talk shit all night.")
Alice: I agree. All night. Well, not all night for me because I have to do that thing, but I still have like, an hour and a half. That'll be when Jenna's show starts.
(A commenter asks what is something others have said about her that's untrue you want to correct?
Alice: What is something untrue about me that people have said that I would want to correct. Um. I don't really care. Um, I don't know if you've ever read the autobiography of Tallulah Bankhead — If you don't know who she is, she was crazy. Crazy. But also extremely talented as a writer and actress. There were all of these stories about her everywhere, like, she apparently, one night climbed up stairs through a fire escape at the New York Plaza Hotel to get to this guy she liked who had gin because she drank all hers, so she climbed up and, addressing that in her autobiography, everyone was waiting for an answer because she was found in his room, drunk. And she never explained why. She never refuted the stories of how she got in his room. She didn't address any of that. What she did, in a two-paragraph chapter, all on its own, said, if you all are waiting for me to respond to the accusations or all the scandals, she said, you will not find any of that in this book, and the second paragraph was this sentence, I'll let people believe whatever they want because it adds to my legend. She was the original amazing person. She knew she was just this boring person who was going to bed at 8 p.m. at night with her cats in Connecticut, but all these stories make her sound more interesting. Sounds KIND OF like what I think. "Too long, didn't read;" Kinda what I think. CATS and DIY projects. And REAL JOB outside of GOMI and FRIENDS and SOCIAL LIFE. Not quite as amazing or interesting as anyone thinks. I love Tallulah.
(Alice adjusts her hair.)
Alice: I'm sorry, I'm just thinking about Jenna trying to recreate that story and messing it up. It's cracking me up.
[Editor's note: The long-winded Tallulah Bankhead spoke at length about her antics overindulging in alcohol and cocaine and mentioned her "legend" several times but never wrote any such two-paragraph chapter as described in Tallulah: My Autobiography]
(Alice leans out-of-frame, lights pipe. A commenter asks if Alice knows who is watching her Periscope.)
Alice: It has a little number, like, right there. I don't know or give a shit to check. Like who. I don't know if it would, like, show the user names.
(A commenter asks if people in real life knows about her online persona.)
Alice: Like, do people recognize me? No. Do friends, colleagues know? Yeah, a couple of my friends know about GOMI. It's not something I introduce myself with, like, "I'm the world famous Alice from GOMI!" It's not something I identify myself as.
(Alice adjusts her hair.)
Alice: Oh, look, and apparently, later, I'll be doing Lady Gaga. Dude, nobody knows who PartyPants is outside of GOMI. It's not some huge international sensation like Gawker. It's a pretty specific niche of people.
(Attempts to do something with her pipe, fake-cries and yells at it.)
Alice: I dunno, maybe I just lack that MUCH of an ego. Like, so many people seem to think I have this huge ego or think highly of myself. I don't. I don't really bring up GOMI until i've known someone for quite a while.
(A commenter asks if Alice has another job.)
Alice: Other than GOMI? Yeah.
(Alice attempts to pull down her ponytail and adjust it again.)
Alice: But, no, it's not like anyone outside knows who I am. I don't go around introducing myself. Wow. You have to like, be done when you're hearing Lady Gaga applause in your head.
(Alice leaves chair to tell her cats to move.)
Alice: And my third job is cat ranching!
(A commenter asks if Alice's family knows about GOMI.)
Alice: Does my family know about GOMI? No, it's a filthy, disgusting secret I only discuss with my rabbi. Of course they know about it.
(Commenters and Alice re-hash Jenna. Alice swigs beer.)
Alice: Can I just say, one night I accidentally closed the door with BaconCat in the bathroom. He was in there probably four hours. The whole time I'm like, "Why is my other cat acting weird?" And when it happened, I felt like the worst human garbage on the planet. Seriously. I felt terrible and all I could think was, he must have been so hungry, thirsty, confused, scared and that was four hours for my cat. She like, put 15 diapers on her kid and ignored him all night. I felt like a super asshole because my other cat was like, "Get up!" and I was like, "Get off me, I have to work."
(Re-applies lipstick)
Alice: Well, all I have to say is, there's times you have to admit you're not a parent and stop fucking up your kids and leave. I'm just saying, there are people who need to do that.
(Goes off-screen, explaining her cat is trying to climb out the window. More discussion about ThatWife.)
Alice: I've never seen anyone in the world who has more "Me Time" than Jenna. Dude, I live alone and I'm single with cats and I don't get as much "Me Time" as Jenna does. (Swigs beer.) Okay, this is room temperature, so I'm gonna take my obese self to get an actual cold beer, 'cause if I'm gonna drink beer tonight, guys, it's at least gonna be cold. I don't want some fuckin'.... (from off-screen) Talk amongst yourselves!
(Alice starts yelling, still off-screen)
Alice: SHE TEXTED ME EARLIER. SHE'S GONNA BE BACK AROUND TEN. TEN. OKAY. OKAY. SHE CAN BUZZ AND I'LL LET HER IN. WHAT? OKAY. OKAY. NO, JUST COME BACK AT 10:30 AND IF SHE GETS IN LATER I'LL BUZZ HER IN. ALL RIGHT. GOD DAMN. I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN TEXTING ME. JESUS!
(Alice returns to screen.)
Alice: Sometimes, in Brooklyn, you have to lean out the window and yell because you're doing a Periscope and they're texting you and they're freaking out. Did i miss anything? Did you guys solve the Rubik's Cube of Jenna?
(Commenter asks if PartyPants is going to watch Jenna's Periscope.)
Alice: Nah, we're probably gonna watch some other stuff. She starts at 10 and her thing is at 10:30 so, we're probably gonna be doing some other stuff. Oh my god, hers was terrible. I mean, mine's not much better, but yeah.
(Commenter asks about fashion bloggers and posing like ballerinas, and Alice pretends to pose in fourth position.)
Alice: Oh yeah. That's gonna be a screen cap later. Yeah.
(Discussion continues about fashion bloggers and how they pose. Alice leans off-screen, smokes pipe, leans back, swigs beer. A commenter suggests she get an intern.)
Alice: Yeah, I think I should have an intern, what with my busy life of eating and sleeping and going out with people and the litter box — ooh, I could have them do that. Why do they all have assistants? I wish I could outsource the litter box. I'm just saying, seriously, I don't like litter boxes. I could pay someone five dollars a day to do the litter box. Maybe one of those self-cleaning litter boxes? Yeah, I don't get it. What are they paying these assistants for? So they can say they have assistants? Know what I have? Neighbors! They watch my cats when I go out of town for 48 hours and I still pay them. Right, I agree, the whole assistant/intern thing, it gives them some kind of cred like, yes, they are so important and popular they need an assistant, like back in old Hollywood, starlets would hire secretaries to answer their fan mail, like they had so much they couldn't handle it on their own.
(Commenter asks if there's a stripe on PartyPants' floor. She explains that she just re-did her floors and didn't line up the planks properly, which is why there's a big black bumpy stripe across half of it.)
Alice: —That's just bad floor-laying by me.
(Commenter asks how many reports she gets per day from people on the forums.)
Alice: How many reports do I get a day? On an average day...five? Seven? And I try to look at them — like, all the GOMI stuff, I do, like, twice a day at specific times so nothing goes TOO long. I actually have it filtered into a folder. I do it before I go to work — yeah, I have a real job — and then I do it before I go to bed. Anything else? Still got 45 minutes to kill, so. I'm just trying to not go over into Jenna's.
(Commenter says "we love GOMI and you.")
Alice: I love you guys! I know it doesn't seem that way (dissolves into fake appreciative crying) but I love you guys. No, but I do. I do try hard. Where is my gold star? And I do actually read the tech support forums and fix the stuff i can fix, but it's in a queue. I have a to-do list for GOMI and then I have a to-do list for my life, and one for work, and one for my apartment. Don't ask to see the bedroom floor.
(Commenter suggests "maybe you could hire a tech-support team.")
Alice: (Forgetting her Instagram where she publicly claimed to be spending $3,781/month on a "bomb-ass tech team") It's a good idea actually. Yeah. Um, yeah, that's a good idea.
(Commenter asks her if she should hire an assistant.)
Alice: I couldn't afford to pay an assistant.
(Commenter says, "like KERF's editor.")
Alice: Does she have an editor? Really? .... God, this is boring. Uh. Okay, so, it's almost about time for Jenna's Periscope. Are any of you watching that? Like, live?
(The view suddenly changes and she shows everyone a game board she has stapled to her wall.)
Alice: Okay, i'm out. Jenna's thing is gonna start pretty soon, so partake of that and be sure to not tell your friends about the PartyPants show. (Starts dancing in her seat.) This is me dancing because it always weirds everyone out. Everybody have a great night.
(Commenters start saying, okay, bye! Have a great night!)
Alice: THIS IS AWESOME! MY DANCING IS ACTUALLY MAKING PEOPLE LEAVE THE ROOM! My friends were right. I bet if i sing Lisa Loeb, that'll make people clear the room, or maybe that's just at karaoke in Brooklyn. Well, this was interesting and you guys have a good night and update the thread so i can see what's going on (whispers) secretly with people here. Bye! This is weird.
-fin-
