i acknowledge, without meaning this in any grandiose way since this is nothing to be proud of, my "reddit's trans community" thread, later retitled by mods as "tr**** s******ws on social media", has contributed to so much radicalization, reactionary attitudes, and more. it has probably cost people their jobs. it has definitely cost a few their lives.
i feel terrible.
so many people have had their lives ruined by the "st*nkd*tch" forum that started with my thread. yes. my thread.
people who just wanted to go about their days. or to post something beautiful to the internet. people who wanted to share their stories. who didn't expect literal stalkers to ruin their lives. people who would be alive today. who would have had their possessions or careers intact. who would not have to worry about sleeping in the summer heat with the window open.
beautiful men, women, and non-binary people of all genders beyond.
people backed into a corner. who have lost their sanity to a kangaroo court of nobodies, with no judge, jury, or promise to seal your conviction after a period. people who were pressured into committing suicide. people who were murdered by killers who found them on this site.
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i personally think my transition, apart from being a conversation piece of sorts and a way of alleviating a small amount of dysphoria, had too many compromises. i was scared to come out as non-binary, and i felt i had to feminize myself, mask, and more to a level i was uncomfortable with. i felt scared to specifically say i wanted to work with electronics. i felt like i was forcing extraversion. i felt i had to act like i was completely miserable before my transition just to get green-lit.
but for some people, the social aspect of transition and feminization is an inextricable, essential, part of their transness and transition. there are some genuine trans girly girls out there, some who did better when they seemed to change their personality. some who just are that way even. these trans women are valid. i am not among them. i don't even wear dresses anymore. i haven't worn a dress in over a year. i hate the posture you have to do to wear a dress. it's sensory hell. but if that's your thing, get it girl.
be yourself, whatever that means to you.
natalie.
from the latin for birth. something i wouldn't do if i could. and something i do hope other transfemmes or trans women can do in the future if they want to. but it's a sound i like. and my name. my real name. and it would still be if it weren't on my driver's license. yours would be too.
goodbye. i'm just going to keep living. i won't change my interest in electronics, or my autistic habits, or my confidence in designing and using hardware. i won't change my music production habits. but i have a major behavior to change, of which participation on this site is a part.
see you on the la metro.
