I don’t have much to say, everything is right, getting involved with Fishtank was the worst mistake of my life and I’ll always feel guilty and regretful about it.
I’m retarded BPD brain broken internet fuck who shouldn’t be online, but I am for some reason. Old habits die hard.
I can’t ever make it up to my ex -roommate for abandoning her.
Nothing I say will ever change peoples minds about me now. I made my bed.
I had a severe psychotic breakdown where I was having delusions and convinced I was raped. That’s pretty hard to bounce back from, especially when my mentally ill ass couldn’t listen to people trying to get me to stop posting about my delusions publically.
I am not a good person and I will never convince you that I am. But people in my past have been touched by my kindness and sense of humor and I’m at least grateful we shared friendship together and I felt cared for and loved.
My life is scary to me now.
I go to therapy, but I don’t know how much it helps when all I really do in action is try to keep myself away from threads like this and try to forget everything. I cry when I think about my life in Kansas and my friendship with my roommate and how I threw it away.
I don’t blame her for posting about me, everything she says about me is true.
I’m not well.
I like to think I’m doing better now because I’m in a safe place with my boyfriend, who i realize nobody here particularly likes, but it helps me to have someone by my side who loves me.
I would pay my roommate back but it’s a little too late and I don’t think it’d change anything like she said. But if you want money, I can help somehow.
I want to believe that my life isn’t completely over. But if it’s not then I don’t know exactly what the goal of these threads are. It just makes me feel horrible about myself, but I’m deserving of that since I managed to piss off so many people.
The whole experience was terrifying for me. I acted out. I have a history of freaking out when I feel abandoned or rejected and I felt incredibly rejected by FT. In my mind, obviously, things were going to be a lot different than how they turned out. I was stupid. I realize now that was selfish and immature, but it was clouded by delusion, psychosis, and fear.
I don’t know. I can recognize I’m not cut out for greatness or content creating or anything above a minimum wage job now.
But to know so many people don’t want me to even have the chance hurts, still. To think because you hate someone to you they should never improve and they can never do good in your eyes. It’s a fucked up dynamic.
But i signed up for it and I’m here and I’m scared and I’m a retard. No matter what I do, to you, i’m not improving. Even if i’m clean from self harm or suicidal ideation, Im not trying to attention seek online or start drama, Im trying to get a stable job so I can have real money coming in and I’m trying to build a life with someone I took a complete chance on, I am still not trying or changing and I will always be the schizo bitch you hate. I have to accept that.
