r/polyamory

[Lady Bizness]

Well there's a tremendous emphasis now on the idea that your impulses are actually signifiers of your deep, innermost core as a person. There's very little in pop culture to say "you don't have to actually act on your impulses," and lots that says "if you don't act on your impulses, you'll go through life a dissatisfied husk and eventually snap from unfulfilled desires."

I hate this trend so much. It was getting its purchase even when I was a kid. As I went through my college years I was made to feel uncomfortable that I "just need to lighten up". Not brought up religious, didn't have any shame associated with sex, had a perfectly normal but private libido. I just didn't see, then or now, how it was repressive let alone harmful to bury my baser instincts until it was safe to get on with it.
I'm really happy now and I value the stability and intimacy of a monogamous family. I really see no upside to anything different. There's this hot guy at the gym. I cannot fathom the point in doing anything more than having a quick glance. I cannot understand how "look but don't touch" causes suffering.
Don't even get me started on what's best for children.

 

[Brain Problems]

Guys guys, calm down. All that stuff about kids needing two loving parents, stable home life, routines... it was all a programming by cishtereonormative patriarchical systems of oppression. I know this because I read a book about ethical sluttery and it really opened my eyes and now I randomly bang ugly chicks from dating sites whenever my wife isn't getting railed by random ugly dudes she picks up somehow.

The kids are fine, never happier. If two parents are great, how about two plus. It's healthy for them to be subconsciously exposed to adult sexuality at a young age and definitely doesn't act as a tacit form of grooming, no sir.

It's like how you cycle through toys when they get stale to keep them fresh for children and dogs.

 

[Swine Schwein]

All that stuff about kids needing two loving parents, stable home life, routines... it was all a programming by cishtereonormative patriarchical systems of oppression.

Time for me to come clean. I really like the cisheteronormative patriarchal systems of oppression and all the programming involved. I'm a big fan. One might even say that I am monogamously and privately attracted to it, in a very wholesome, old-fashioned sense. It wouldn't be a lie to say that I fantasize about having a nuclear family with it. I want all of it to be rooted on a life of discipline. I just can't help thinking this way. I can't fucking pretend any longer, this is my filthy heart, now laid bare for mockery and ridicule

 

[Steam Deck Verified]

Holy shit is there any question as to why people are abandoning dating apps in droves. The last 5 profiles I passed were guys who were either married and poly, dating and ENM or "single but curious about the ENM lifestyle," it's never been more over

The kids are fine, never happier. If two parents are great, how about two plus.

Broke: "It takes a village to raise a child" means that many different people will have an influence on a child throughout their life, it's okay to ask for help because parenting is not always intuitive, let someone watch the baby so you can take a nap and not kill yourself

WOKE: "It takes a village to raise a child" means giving other people equal ownership in your kid, especially random fat autists you being in your cluttered hovel to have smelly sex with. Who gives a fuck about boomer education like Shakespeare and US History when your disabled polycule sub can radicalize your 6-year-old about Stonewall and why Zelda is actually a gay transman. The more the merrier, if kids raised by fags are more enlightened, imagine if they're raised by FIVE fags who can pick up the slack while you're cooking dinosaur nuggets or finishing your cashier shift at Chipotle!

 

[Ravier Xavenblood]

Holy shit is there any question as to why people are abandoning dating apps in droves. The last 5 profiles I passed were guys who were either married and poly, dating and ENM or "single but curious about the ENM lifestyle," it's never been more over.

Funny you say that because as a straight man, I saw the same back when I was still dumb enough to use dating apps. So many profiles were all "I have a bf/husband" or "ENM". Turned down a hookup from one. It feels like online dating is going back to being for the degenerate and the desperate.

So glad I met my GF outside of those cancerous apps.

 

[mold]

I'm not aware of any actual research done on on kids raised in polyamory but I haven't looked. However I know people raised in poly communes, both ones who are open about what goes on and ones that try to cover up what things were like back in the day.

There is a huge range of emotional and professional functionality among these people. Very broadly I'd say the people from higher IQ ethnicities and/or with parents from cultures who value formal education end up seeming completely normal from the outside. The more their heritage deviates from that the more fucked they are, because their lack of formal education causes them money problems which causes stress and chaos.

But there is something that the tech executive with the beautiful house in the Berkeley Hills and the one perfect child shares with the polybabydaddic bartender. They are themselves monogamous. I do not know a single person raised around open polyamory who even considers the possibility. Not in high school, not in college, not starting out in life, not in middle age, absolutely never.

 

[UncleTusky]

According to some redditors who CLAIM (could be lying) to be kids of poly parents, it seems like they basically were given no attention by their parents growing up. There's only so many hours in the day and only so much energy in a human body. A million relationships takes up all the parents' spare time.

But there is something that the tech executive with the beautiful house in the Berkeley Hills and the one perfect child shares with the polybabydaddic bartender. They are themselves monogamous. I do not know a single person raised around open polyamory who even considers the possibility. Not in high school, not in college, not starting out in life, not in middle age, absolutely never.

And on the flip side of this most 'poly' people I've had the displeasure of meeting are from stable middle-class homes - they know what a functional family looks like but dove headfirst into a dumpster fire instead. The most common reasons seem to be (not in any real order and certainly not mutually exclusive) resenting their parents for BS reasons, wanting to shake things up rather than accept the boring but happy life their parents helped arrange, being so attention starved 1 BF/GF is not enough, and untreated mental illness. Or if you want me to say the quiet part out loud, 'poly' and 'neurotic spoiled brat' are very nearly synonymous.

Edit to Add: I have a personal lolcow who is very into this lifestyle and her Facebook feed is telling - nonstop excessive, performative happiness where most people would say nothing and walls o' text whenever anything to do with plural relationships makes the news. I have the (lack of) social skills necessary to enjoy the Farms and even I can tell it's all cope.

 

[74164978231]

And on the flip side of this most 'poly' people I've had the displeasure of meeting are from stable middle-class homes - they know what a functional family looks like but dove headfirst into a dumpster fire instead. The most common reasons seem to be (not in any real order and certainly not mutually exclusive) resenting their parents for BS reasons, wanting to shake things up rather than accept the boring but happy life their parents helped arrange, being so attention starved 1 BF/GF is not enough, and untreated mental illness. Or if you want me to say the quiet part out loud, 'poly' and 'neurotic spoiled brat' are very nearly synonymous.

Of the three poly people ive known, 2 where from broken homes(abusive and nonexistant parents + poor) and the other Im not sure of outside they where sexually abused growing up.

 

[Brain Problems]

I'm not aware of any actual research done on on kids raised in polyamory but I haven't looked. However I know people raised in poly communes, both ones who are open about what goes on and ones that try to cover up what things were like back in the day.

I know of one dogshit "paper" that essentially just asked like a dozen people in these relationships to self-report how happy they were and lo and behold you got some really positive answers. Totally worthless and completely unscientific. I was shocked it ended up getting published but that's the state of the humanities. I think there was some low energy attempt to cross reference the results with monogamous relationships too but cannot recall. I do know that at least one of the authors on the paper is also larping as an ENMer, unsure if that was disclosed or not.

 

[The Judean People's Front]

Of the three poly people ive known, 2 where from broken homes(abusive and nonexistant parents + poor) and the other Im not sure of outside they where sexually abused growing up.

Same. I know a couple of poly folks including the ones I've written about here, and they are all significantly fucked up. Yeah, they came from ostensibly "normal" middle-class households, but in actuality that normalcy was a pretty thin veneer of functionality that didn't actually exist. All three of the women I know who are polyamorous have parents who are still together but extremely unhappy. All were raised in very religious and/or emotionally stifled environments, and all of them have broken first marriages or long-term partnerships.

Basically, the poly people I know are trying really hard to feel in control of their lives and aren't finding success in the "traditional" routes. It's comparably easy to be "poly" and "successful" at it because all you have to do is fuck around a lot and call it empowerment. That's why I am still friends with these people: they're going through some shit, honestly.

I'm not saying every polyamorist falls in this category - not at all. There's a lot of them who are narcissistic, hypersexual and probably downright Bad People. But there's probably equal numbers who are trying it because they're struggling with relationships like all humans do at some point in their lives and the polyamory community sucked 'em in. It's still on them to pull themselves out and I never mince words telling them they're being stupid, but I've found that low self-worth, depression and honestly just the state of dating nowadays (all the apps are depressing as fuck) can also make someone fall in this pit.

 

[Diana Moon Glampers]

I think it really runs the gamut but nearly universally I've seen daddy issues at the root of polycules.

Spoiler

MB had a father who abandoned his mother before he was born and didn't ever come back, mom had a series of boyfriends, one of whom was sexually abusive, and eventually they shipped him off to military school where he was sexually abused again.

KA had a dad who stepped out all the time and an oblivious mom who just wanted to keep the family together in spite of it all.

KM had normal, upper-middle class Midwestern parents who are perfectly accepting of his poly quad and the babies coming from it, because they like all grandbabies.

IS had a cult leader dad who left his mom when he was young and ended up serving time for repeating his dad's proclivities with underage girls that he brought into his polycule.

JW had rich parents who loved each other and two sets of incredibly ancient, loving grandparents who were pillars of their community, as well as exhibiting a family charisma and warmth that radiated from every person in the clan. His four-person live-in polycule exploded over mutual allegations of child abuse from and toward every member of the foursome.

TS had a dad who left when he was young and a disabled single mom on welfare who died soon after he came of age, and had to fend for himself from an early age.

JS had an physically & intellectually disabled (yes, retarded) mom and a welfare dad who would marry and repeatedly impregnate a retarded woman in order to tyrannize her and control her.

DG had parents who vastly prioritized their romantic and sexual attachments to one another rather than their parenting attachment to their children, and allowed their children to be sexually victimized by groomers who offered free babysitting to take them off the parents' hands.

Everyone I know who didn't come from massive daddy issues and did poly, the people who came from nice stable homes, actually did a very different style of poly than all the others. No harems, no dating. They were much more likely to just join forces with another couple and exist in "polyfidelitous quads" instead. Their parental experience had been essentially universally positive, so they thought an ideal way to raise a kid would be to just have more parents and more love.

These idealistic notions came from deep naivete and in one of the cases it exploded spectacularly, but I don't think these people were predatory in their intent the way the "my dad cheated, so the way I'll avoid cheating is to just tell people and let them take it or leave it" broken-home ones were.

 

[Lady Bizness]

Rules: grab five annoying quotes from r/polyamory posts, sorted by newest. If whatever part you're reading annoys you to any real extent, that's a quote, no need for context. Once you have five, post them here and rate them from 1 to 10, 1 being mildly annoying and 10 being beyond any top hats; you're just seething with impotent, retarded anger, making hateful noises, feeling sick and wishing for quick but painful death on everyone.

This is the main reason I check this thread, hoping you do more. I don't have it in me anymore to dredge through crap just to make fun of it like I did in the aughts, so I thank you.

 

[Jizzrag]

Husband left me for his girlfriend

Full text below, here’s the gist of it:

> She was the one who suggested it.
> Husband was reluctant.
> Husband eventually starts dating a colleague, Anna.
> “Of course jealousy was on the table but I felt that we healthily worked through it.”
> Husband and Anna progressed quickly. “I felt like a lot of things that were “ours” were just transferred to the new relationship.” She (OP) gets anxious.
> Intimacy dies.
> After two weeks of intense arguing, husband tells OP he’s in love with Anna.
> Anna is not poly.
> OP wants to save the marriage, husband don’t.
> “I feel so betrayed. I feel like he betrayed our values.”

Spoiler: Text

Husband left me for his girlfriend

Hello poly people of Reddit,

I need a space to share my feelings and to have some thoughts and insights from people outside of my social bubble. Some advice, some empathy, some kind words. The title says it all: My husband left me for his girlfriend. Such a cliché.

We were together for 14+ years, are both 37 and have a kid starting school soon. To say that I feel devastated and feel betrayed is an understatement. In the last three weeks, I barely had sleep or something to eat. The physical pain of the separation is insane. I barely recognize myself.

When we opened our relationship two years ago, it was from a place of a rock solid foundation. (EDIT: I was the one suggesting it!). As many couples, we started it from a place of curiosity. Learning, reading along the way but definitely more a „hands on“ approach. Growing out of social norms and beliefs. At the same time, as a family, certain hierarchal topics were always „present“ - going on vacations (because: limited time and money), shared finances, living together and of course the amount of time spend with other partners due to child care and family life.

I very much enjoyed dating, had amazing dating partners and met great people through dating sites who actually turned to kind of friends without any intimacy. And I loved that about opening up/poly. My husband wasn’t reluctant but said that he wouldn't jump into the dating pool. But just one day after we discussed opening up, he came home from a work event and was super excited because he kissed a colleague (privately), let’s call her Anna. (EDIT: Anna did not know that we opened up so he kissed a married man).

He started to date Anna exclusively.

(BTW the „looking for a third“ and other bs was never on the table for us).

We both were really excited and you know, poly life was great. I was so happy for him! We enjoyed watching the other glowing before and after dates, we enjoyed great intimacy and just felt so connected to each other. Of course jealousy was on the table but I felt that we healthy worked through it. I met my boyfriend 1 year ago. I met his girlfriend for dinner. They took our son together for a small day trip.

But in general I realized that things between my husband and Anna moved pretty quickly. Just after 8 weeks of dating she gave him the key to her apartment. He visited her abroad (we live in Europe) when she was working across the boarder. I felt that a lot of things that were „ours“ were just transferred to the new relationship. I tried to let it go (understanding NRE etc.) but ultimately said that (as suggested in Polysecure) when certain pillars are breaking away from your mono relationship you need to build new rituals and pillars that help you feel secure. That I needed more reassurance from him that „us“ will still be „us“. I always considered myself to be super secure in relationships but his new behavior really brought anxiety out of me.

He said that he sees it from a perspective of abundance and that there is nothing for me to worry about. But he didn't took my concerns seriously and I didn't feel heard. In the end I felt that he wasn’t investing in our relationship anymore. Our intimacy died. I felt that he didn’t take my concerns seriously. I felt like he was building a whole new life with her and just doing things that clearly were ours (e.g. watching a Christmas movie with her which was our tradition, going on an oversea trip with her, having more s\*x with her and almost none with me, leaving to stay with her even when we haven’t seen each other for days because of work trips). He said that I didn’t listen to him when he tried to reassure me. But he wasn't actually doing something. And looking back I recognize that I could have done better. But in the end I felt that he was mentally/emotionally more with her than with me because while it is crucial to be able to be secure within yourself you can be secure within yourself AND be insecure in your relationship due to your partners behavior.

After two weeks of arguing really badly he admitted that he was in love with her. That night he left me crying and went to her place where he told HER that we broke up and that he loves her. So I was kind of the last one to know that we broke up. The next day he gave me the wedding band back. He also told me while he never cheated and never would have, he had a crush on her before we opened the marriage.

She is 6 years younger than me, she looks good, is smart and funny. Completely different type than I am. No kids. But also not poly. She never hid the fact from him that she wanted more. And he was happy to give it to her. He admitted that to me. When I asked why he didn’t put any boundaries and/or took it slower he said that he was scared she would leave him. And he was now more scared losing her than losing me. His wife, lover and mother of his child.

He doesn’t want to try to save the marriage like I do, is talking about seperation, divorce and that we will be great co-parents. And I see the love of my life walking away and ripping my heart and myself into pieces.

I feel so betrayed. I feel like he betrayed our values. Like he used „poly“ to build a relationship with her. We always said that before we would separate we would always go to therapy. Now he just says that there is no point because he simply doesn’t love me and what can he do about it. His feelings are just "gone". He is almost relieved although we went to a romantic trip just four weeks ago. He gave me a beautiful gift just six week ago. And now he says that he just does not see a future with me.

I am crying every single day.

Thanks for reading.

 

[DumbDude43]

> She was the one who suggested it.

i wonder if she regrets doing that, or if she rationalizes it all by telling herself "i did nothing wrong, he was not supposed to take it so far"

also this comment is really hilarious:

>going poly ended up ripping your family apart?
>that means the man must have been a secret cheater already, and he actually baited you into suggesting poly in order to leave you later!
>truly he is a mastermind 4D chess manipulator, it's not your fault in the slightest!

amazing to see how these people rewrite history to protect their egos

 

[The Taco Santo!]

And if she had fallen in love with her new boyfriend, she'd come up with all sorts of justifications and rationalizations. Peak woman behavior.

 

[Paper Machete]

These people have taken the retarded stance that going against "normalcy" for the sake of going against it is some new virtue. Gaslight themselves into dumb fuckery and then cry when they're left holding the bag.
Maybe the reason your relationship had such a solid foundation up until that point was because of all the decisions you'd made up until that point, decisions like not banging other people. It literally sounds like she just needed FRIENDS too. Since she says "turned into kind of friends without any intimacy". How do you have such little introspection and perspective in life at nearly 40 that you mistake needing friendship outside your marriage as wanting to try at non-monogamy?
What gets me the most about all these posts is that ostensibly these people say they want to go the poly route because it will be more fun and feel better. Okay, that's cool. Romantic and sexual relationships of any kind should be about wanting to feel good and share that with someone else. So then why do they not put two and two together that trying to force yourself to work around negative feelings, juggling all these different dynamics, and forcing down resentment is the opposite of that? Like, the solution to those sorts of problems isn't retraining your brain to nullify natural reactions and emotions but to remove what's causing those if possible and figure out if your responses are proportional and reasonable if they're not and go from there. But they never do. They just say their partner decided to jump ship "despite our relationship having a good foundation ?!??" or continue to blunt force their way through it because they're "bad at poly" and need to "be better" rather than just recognizing it isn't working for them.
You can't always control your emotions. But you can try to control what causes them by avoiding certain things and the like. This is something those trying poly fundamentally do not seem to understand. You can't just say that you won't develop stronger feelings for someone else outside the marriage and it magically won't happen. You've opened up to yourself up to that possibility because that's the sort of things you're playing around with. If you play with shit you're going to smell like it. Your options are either to not play with it or deal with the smell. That's life.

 

[Ravier Xavenblood]

And if she had fallen in love with her new boyfriend, she'd come up with all sorts of justifications and rationalizations. Peak woman behavior.

It's cathartic seeing the tables turned on these toxic women.

 

[DumbDude43]

https://old.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/1dljdel/girlfriend_lusts_for_boyfriend_but_not_me/

Spoiler: Girlfriend lusts for boyfriend but not me?

Hi besties I’m in a triad and my girlfriend is asexual but told me she wants to have sex with our other partner but not me. Obviously I’m very hurt by this, what should I do? We have talked about how it made me feel but the hurt is still there, i have also talked to our other partner as well.

>my girlfriend is asexual

 

[Paper Machete]

L M A O
"Asexuality isn't often linear, and is, like so many things, a spectrum. Your boyfriend may just be the exception to the overall ace-ness, and that isn't on you."
This is just called not being attracted to someone. She isn't asexual she just doesn't wanna fuck you bro. Her desire either died for some reason or she was never in a relationship with you for the reasons she's claiming.
I get so frustrated and MATI with these people because the mental gymnastics they put themselves through make them so ripe for manipulation because they do not see reality for what it is on any level.

 

[Jizzrag]

Sorry for posting again on the same page, but lol.
Nesting partner of 10 years told me that they aren't attracted to me

Whole text below, tldr:
> OP has higher libido, and found polyamory very fulfilling. She (OP) thinks her partner is asexual (ace).
> Partner comes out as ace and he’s worried about having ED problems. OP is relieved.
> Partner dates other people. Realizes he isn’t ace, nor does he have ED.
>”I can accept us not having sex due to them being asexual, but them just not being attracted to me?”
>”I honestly would have preferred them to just lie about being asexual forever over this.”
UPDATE:
> Asexuality is a spectrum!
> OP doesn’t care if they don’t have sex again, OP cares about communication.
> Communication was the issue and they’ve contacted a therapist.

Spoiler: Text

Nesting partner of 10 years told me that they aren't attracted to me

We discovered polyamory mostly in part due to us having a libido mismatch, but it turned into something very fulfilling for myself and our relationship. As I started seeing more people, sex with my partner became nonexistent and I started to suspect that they were ace. Eventually my partner came out as ace, and admitted that they get anxious about having ED issues. I wasn't surprised. I was relieved, since it meant we could just enjoy each other without this elephant in the room anymore.

Now my partner does date other people while being on the ace-spectrum and I'm happy and supportive that they want to connect with other people. The thing now being that they've realized that they're not ace (along with realizing that they don't have ED) and they've said that they're accepting that it's really just me that they're not attracted to. They're also considering having sex with others. Something we haven't done in years.

Before they came out as ace, we had an extensive history of stressful discussions about sex, me/us reading books, listening to podcasts... doing everything I could think of to fix our sex life while they mostly shutdown whenever I tried to engage with them on it, so this reveal has been a lot to process. I can accept us not having sex due to them being asexual, but them just not being attracted to me?

I don't know what to do. I feel like shit. I keep saying I think I'll feel okay about it eventually, but then I replay the conversation in my head and all I feel are feelings of anger, feeling lied to, and feeling like I was duped into being in a relationship. I honestly would have preferred them to just lie about being asexual forever over this.

I don't even know who else I can talk to about this to get an outside perspective. One of my partners knows the gist of the situation in a very abridged, kind retelling, but I don't want to tell them everything to have that "poison the well" with my nesting partner.

Update: thanks everyone for your comments. I took every one in and managed to calm down a lot before talking to my partner. We spoke and it was pretty productive. I don't feel lied to, my partner was indeed just using a label that they felt made most sense at the time and asexuality is a spectrum. They still think they're somewhere on it, and I know now that they're still figuring things out. I don't care if we're never going to have sex again, but I do care about us improving our communication. Them not communicating and then pulling the rug out from under me has happened more than a few times and it's that along with a few other personal traumas that made this hurt as much as it did. They have some of their own issues they need to work out as well, so therapy is on our todo list of items. Some positives came out of this, and we have a path forward. It's cliche, but trust and communication was the issue and it's the way to fix it. They've already contacted a therapist and I'm just so happy to finally see some effort from their end. Thanks again, much love everyone.