Just need to vent
Dysphoria
Went to a friends birthday at the bar… and had to deal with some heavy dysphoria. It didn’t come out of nowhere, but trigger warning because this could make you feel dysphoric as well.
At the start of the night I was talking to the birthday girl, who is extremely supportive. She will fight someone that misgenders me, and I love her for that. But she decided to tell me that she would date a trans man because they aren’t biological men, and wouldn’t date a trans woman because they are biological men. Because “biological men” suck she says.
I swear to fucking god. I do NOT want to be seen as a “biological man who is a woman inside” look, I know I have male sex chromosomes. But that deeply pains me. It feels like a living tragedy. I just want to be seen as the girl that I am. She said that she doesn’t see me as a “biological man”, I guess she said that because she read my vibes when she told me that. I brush this off, it’s whatever. Like I barely recover from it without going down a dysphoric spiral.
I ask her who’s coming with us to the bar. She said Sam, a trans man is coming. Later in the night, the only time he references me, he calls me “he”. He’s not nearly passing either, and not on hrt. He doesn’t correct himself either. Usually this wouldn’t hurt too much, just the usual sting. But because of what I dealt with earlier those thoughts resurfaced and I started spiraling the last hour of the night.
I
fucking hate this. I cannot handle this shit. I hate existing in public spaces because even if people are being courteous to me, it feels like they don’t see me as a woman. I almost started crying, barely holding it back. I didn’t bring up the details of why I’m feeling dysphoric to my friends because I didn’t want her to blame herself and feel bad on her birthday.
After a while it’s like…. Ugh it’s ok. I just have to stay strong. I’m only 14 weeks on hrt. But this phase of transitioning FUCKING SUCKS EUSIEJFKSOAOAHFIDOIF ;-;
After seeing myself in the mirror when I got home though it made me feel slightly better. My transition is going well and I’m pretty and femme regardless of not passing