Having relationship doubts/anxiety (mentions of Sexual Assault)
It’s difficult to write about this, especially with the Terfs lurking, but I’m unsure who else to share this with.
My wife and I have been a couple since 12 years and married since 2 of them. I love her deeply and we communicate really well. But ever since I started my Phallo surgeries, she discovered a trauma that apparently stems from childhood SA. She was pretty intrigued to be intimate with me after Stage 2, but needed to stop suddenly after we tried penetration. She told me a day later about her trauma- and that she didn’t think it would ever come up again, since she has known me for such a long time and associated me with feeling safe. She is Bi, but only dated women before me.
Now with me having a dick, she needs to readjust, which would be very understandable either way. But it has been almost 2 years with the two of us sharing almost no intimacy at all. She is going to therapy to work through her trauma, which I am endlessly grateful for. I can’t and will not pressure her to do anything she doesn’t want to, but it’s causing me so much fear and pain to finally having gone through all this just to find out that I re-activated some deep seated trauma. Besides that, I am constantly asking myself if she will ever be interested in me the way she was before. She told me she likes how my cock looks and likes thinking about it, but in the end I have no clue if she will ever want to engage. And I’m not talking about penetration. Anything that has to do with her touching my dick or just even masturbating with/alongside me just isn‘t possible. Any mention of sex is read as Pressure from my side.
Luckily we have an open relationship and I was able to try out my new set up- which is definitely great and makes me feel so much better about myself-
But it’s not the same as being with my wife. Now that I am finished with my procedures I am stuck in a situation that makes me feel like I ruined my relationship and with no signs of anything changing. I could go out and have sex, but all I want is to explore in a safe environment with the person I love.
I am doubting my decisions, doubting my relationship and doubting our sexual compatibility (she never dated men before me, maybe she is fine if she sticks to women?)
I feel like all the euphoria I had vanished and like my wife lost any interest, even if she tries to tell me otherwise.
On bad days I am thinking about detransitioning, which would be insane, since I like my body now. But the thought of the two of us maybe never sharing intemacy again is haunting me.
We talked about all this several times and there is no real solution but to wait. I don’t know how long I can wait. I am so scared of losing her but I feel horrible.