I know how you feel.
If you are trans, there's a good chance you are
not the same old balding man with the same old mental health issues.
You are a
woman who
thinks they are an old balding man... you see when you were born, you were a girl. Unfortunately, nature dealt you a bum hand by giving you male organs. That had a twofold effect... firstly the doctors and parents and other people looked at you and said "BOY!" and so you were
conditioned to be a boy.
Secondly, your organs produced testosterone which sent you through a male puberty, giving you facial hair, muscles, male fat distribution and—lucky you—male baldness.
This is how I come to terms with my trans identity.
I
am a woman, but I am
in the habit of being a man. I have
learnt to be a man. That doesn't mean I
am one.
So I don't try to transition immediately... I don't want to be a fat ugly man in a dress, that would make me an object of ridicule.
But I lean into my femininity where I can. It comes quite naturally in some ways. In others it's made a lot harder by my 49 years of habitually pretending to be a man.
Today I ticked the 'female' box on a form for the first time. I feel like a total fraud. But really it's the truth. That little voice within me, that ruthless 'inner critic' doesn't want any of this... "You're being stupid. What do you think you're doing?"
But then I remember the 'magic button' test, and how hard and fast I would hit that magic button that would turn me into a girl tomorrow. That proves my intent. The rest is just noise. It's
a lot of noise... transphobia (internal and external), society's ideas, habit, convenience, doubt, fear, the practical challenges of transition.
But I realise that the actual process of transition has
nothing to do with my identity. I am a trans woman whether I have done
nothing towards transition, or have done
all the work, had all the surgeries and pass 100% of the time.
I don't know if that helps? Identity and action are separate. If you feel like a woman, then you
are a woman. It's just the messy stuff between 'here' and 'there' getting in the way.
I started by doing stuff in private. Then I started doing "plausibly deniable" stuff in public. As my confidence grows I get more bold in my gender expression. Today was really the culmination of all that... a new milestone... where I ticked "female" and allowed people to use my new name (I have officially changed it) and even had someone call me "her" even though I really do look like a man in slightly effeminate fashion (I wear skinny jeans [I am not skinny! I learnt that doesn't matter], ladies t-shirt, hoodie and a nice necklace).
Take it at the pace you're comfortable with. Take it as
far as you're comfortable with. (Private and public expression can be
very different for now!) There are no right or wrong answers and there is no rush.
You do you, and enjoy the process of self-discovery.
Sending much love and best wishes.

