Alyssa Mercante's articles for the Binghamton University student newspaper, the Pipe Dream.
Part 2 of 3: 2011
[Part 1 here]
The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Car-owner
By Alyssa Mercante - January 28, 2011 [
a]
Alyssa offers tips about buying and maintaining cars, describes screaming at a woman who scratched her new car.
Hockey puts football to absolute shame
By Alyssa Mercante - February 8, 2011 [
a]
Alyssa is not like other girls, she enjoys the game of hockey more than the game of football and isn't afraid to say it.
- "Find another sport (and no, Starcraft II doesn’t count) where the players are actually chubby. Football is a sport tailor-made for chubby players since the game stops every few seconds"
- "Blood is a frequent attendee at hockey games, and call me a violent psychopath if you wish, but that makes the game all the more exciting."
Rescuing dogs, my sisyphean task
By Alyssa Mercante - February 18, 2011 [
a]
Alyssa complains that Binghamton locals don't take care of their dogs and so the responsibility falls on her to rescue them.
Dealing with customer service, the way my parents taught me
By Alyssa Mercante - March 11, 2011 [
a]
Alyssa deals with Slingbox customer service by being a bitch, which she learned from her parents.
- "As a young blonde woman, I am almost always the victim of poor in-person customer service, whether it’s from bitchy old women or condescending old men. ...
Then, Michael and Gina Mercante took me under their wings and taught me how to get things done."
- "Retired cops and unabashedly Italian, my parents are a force of nature. My mother may be the same height as me and also blonde, but her Brooklyn accent is fierce and her ability to think on her feet is incomparable."
- "My father often resorts to his physical prowess — he’s a big dude with a big voice and when he screams, shit happens. Babies cry, birds fall out of the sky and people get fired."
- "To make a long, hysterical story short — my parents taught me that being polite with customer service representatives almost always gets you nowhere. They taught me a valuable life lesson.
When dealing with customer service, going bat-shit crazy always gets things done."
PODS stations, where humanity reveals its lowest form
By Alyssa Mercante - April 5, 2011 [
a]
Alyssa complains about her classmates and the computer labs at Binghamton University.
My inner Fame Monster, revealed
By Alyssa Mercante - April 26, 2011 [
a]
Alyssa goes to a lady gaga concert in costume and is intoxicated by the attention it gets her.
- "This past Saturday I went to go see Lady Gaga at Nassau Coliseum. I decided (like the attention-seeking, costume-obsessed girl that I am) to go in full-on Gaga Garb."
- "The result? A literal mob of Gaga concert-goers were snapping pictures of me walking and asking me to pose for shots with their children. Trips to the bathroom were impossible, as I was stalked by younger Monsters and stopped constantly, again, to have pictures taken."
- Now, looking back on Lady Gaga’s first album (“The Fame”) and her second album (“The Fame Monster”), both of which are representations of the ups and downs of being a celebrity in popular culture, I can say without the slightest insecurity that I want all of that shit."
- "For a few hours, and in very few articles of clothing, I saw a path that I would love to continue to walk down — despite the difficulties I faced trying to do something so trivial as take a piss, I felt like I was floating on a cloud of materialism and celebrity. And as sarcastic as that sounds, the drama queen in me wants more."
My Xbox 360, 2007-2011
By Alyssa Mercante - August 29, 2011 [
a]
Alyssa gets the Red Ring of Death on her Xbox, which she compares to a natural disaster and which turns her world upside down (her words.)
If you read this, you might be a cynic
By Alyssa Mercante - September 13, 2011 [
a]
Instead of writing about the flood that had recently struck Binghamton, Alyssa pisses on the people of Binghamton and writes about how she tends to be a cynical bitch (her words.)
- "I planned on writing this opinion piece about the Binghamton flood, but as I sat down at my desk I realized a few key things:
I have little to no first-hand experience with the actual flood, sans my need to boil water and the flooding I saw by Front Street when I took a stroll. I also tend to lean toward being brazenly insensitive when it comes to the townsfolk of Downtown Binghamton, so I will refrain."
It’s time we ash out the pot debate. Let’s legalize marijuana.
By Alyssa Mercante - October 7, 2011 [
a]
At the risk of getting drug tested by her parents when she goes home for Thanksgiving (her words,) Alyssa writes in support of legalizing cannabis.
Megan Fox, shiny cars and the crusade for mindless fodder
By Alyssa Mercante - October 18, 2011 [
a]
Alyssa bravely defends popcorn movies, hates "entertainment snobs."
Frights and delights: Your new TV diet
By Alyssa Mercante - November 3, 2011 [
a]
Alyssa recommends The Walking Dead, American Horror Story, and Workaholics.
Keep your friends close and your drinks closer
By Alyssa Mercante - November 14, 2011 [
a]
Alyssa has senioritis and alcoholism and wants to be famous.
- "I am almost done with the first semester of my last year here and I couldn’t be more in denial. I’ve become increasingly lazy and increasingly more of an alcoholic."
- "An extreme case of senioritis with a dash of alcoholism and a pinch of being a lazy piece of shit."
- "And while I don’t condone going out and getting black-out drunk every night — and who am I kidding, maybe I do a little bit — it’s important to remember that you do not leave here with any regrets."
- "I practice what I preach, kids. So if you see me Downtown, buy me a drink, because I’m a poor broke senior with no job lined up after college and no definitive career path other than 'I want to be famous.'"
“Twihards” need to die, hard.
By Alyssa Mercante - December 1, 2011 [
a]
Alyssa hates Twilight, confronts Twilight fans after hatewatching at the theater.
I love stories like this.
