Ethan Ralph, Fugitive from Justice

[Capt. Jean Luc Ritard]

How do you even lose that? How retarded do you have to be short of being conked on the back of the head with something and robbed blind?

Exactly as retarded as he is. Which is very.

 

[JustStopDude]

How do you even lose that? How retarded do you have to be short of being conked on the back of the head with something and robbed blind?

Not just retarded, but lazy. It's been lost for a while. He could have gotten a new one long before this warrant.

Now if he applies for a new one, I'm sure it's going to flag that he is wanted and he can't get sent a new one.

 

[AnOminous]

Prediction for tonight - Gunt taking some food photos at some Mexican slop shop by himself. Selfie and some pointing...probable.

Picture of her face in front of something she's trying to show you.

Now if he applies for a new one, I'm sure it's going to flag that he is wanted and he can't get sent a new one.

Or he's "lost" it multiple times. He might not actually have "lost" it. It's a fairly common scam for low-class garbage-tier Americans to sell their passport and claim it was stolen so forgers can use the hard to counterfeit elements of it to make fake passports.

They eventually get really suspicious of this and start issuing restricted passports only valid for a short period of time.

 

[HackerX]

I don't think (1) is even an option. He doesn't have a passport and on his previous trip to Minnesota, he had to cross at a land border with some sort of ID card before he could fly on.

I think (2) leads to an inevitable arrest at the border and extradition to Minnesota. Ralph in cuffs and leg irons first in jail and then transported to Minnesota. I don't think he can legally cross without them seeing the warrant and him getting arrested.

(3) is always an option because this is Ralph.

I wasn't even thinking about him being unable to fly due to not having a passport. LOL, if Ralph has any intention to ever turning himself in, he will absolutely have to coordinate his trip to Minnesota with the court. His options are fucked. He either functionally extradites himself to avoid being chaperoned by sherrifs from California, or forcefully extradites at his own expense.

If Ralph were smart, he'd livestream a border crossing. Illegal or legal. If it were illegal, it'd be hilarious from the sheer irony of it all. If legal, then the suspense would be unrivaled.

This has to be one of the most painful misdemeanors imaginable, and it's only like that because of Ralph's profound capability to turn molehills into mountains.

Realistically he has to hire a good local minnesota attorney to try and negotiate with the judge. But the judge may not be interested. The judge has taken this whole thing really far already. A national warrant for something like this is somewhat unusual and then rejecting his letter without comment was a real sign that the judge isn't playing around.

If the judge wants to push this to the limit, the judge can create "the last temptation of the Ragepig" where if Ethan Ralph ever wants to enter the US again, he is going to have to surrender at the border, be dragged to Minnesota in chains, probably be fined an amount equal to the state's expenses, be lectured by the judge and them dumped outside the courthouse to find his own way home.

The only thing I can really say is that Ralph deserves all of this. Suffa piggy!

He was allegedly looking for a lawyer when this thing kicked off, and the best he could manage was someone advising him to write the retarded blogpost to the court. He mentioned trying to find a lawyer (again) to maneuver everything to a zoom call. The issue is, he's flat broke. Maybe he'll be able to find a lawyer at a deeply discounted rate, but I suspect he's already begged around with no positive response.

Either got drunk and lost it in an uber/airport or lost it in a Tijuana strip club which tossed him out and broke his hip

If I were a betting man, I'd put my money on the latter. There's too many red flags associated with that even and we know how Ralph acts like Ralph.

Not just retarded, but lazy. It's been lost for a while. He could have gotten a new one long before this warrant.

Now if he applies for a new one, I'm sure it's going to flag that he is wanted and he can't get sent a new one.

Ordinarily, these are no issue when it's onesies and twosies, but Ralph's inability to be a functional human being have manifested the Ralphabum arc. He's managed life so poorly and he honestly needs to be incarcerated for his own benefit.

 

[FiveStarAce]

Ralph couldn't coordinate a trip to Minnesota because he too dumb and lazy. He is not competent enough to write 2, maybe 3 Emails and then get on a Bus. He's just too retarded.

 

[LiquidChrisRespecter]

Prediction for tonight - Gunt taking some food photos at some Mexican slop shop by himself. Selfie and some pointing...probable.

Come and collect your prize!

Ralph ate some Mexican slop for Thanksgiving. Looks like shit.

View attachment 6698408
View attachment 6698409

Mexican food just looks fucking terrible. I don't know if it's just the presentation or what but it all looks like the same shitty ingredients thrown together in only slightly different ways over and over again. Could be that Ralph just can't afford to go to a nice place.

View attachment 6698412
The chef clearly knows about the KEELSTREAM, that's why he assembled this ice cream to look like a butt with a turd coming out of it just for Ralph.

 

[Mr. Manchester]

If it were illegal, it'd be hilarious from the sheer irony of it all.

That would be a really interesting livestream. Imagine someone that speaks English actually going through with an illegal boarder crossing, showing everyone how millions of people have done it in the past four years. I would tune in because it would, in a way, be real journalism.

So yeah, Ralph won't do it.

 

[porkWellington]

I think Ralph's in for some unironic dark days ahead. He can't afford a lawyer, probably barely affords living in Mexico so I see child support for Xander ending, and I have no idea about the healthcare expenses with his arm and hip.

The only "good" ending on this projection is he gets his shit squared with Mexico financially so they don't hate him, somehow gets a passport out of them, renounces his U.S. citizenship with the hope that'll be one more barrier protecting him from a future extradition to the U.S. Then his life becomes: Don't piss off Mexico, move to a poor country Mexico won't extradite him to, accrue debt in the country, flee, repeat until he can't flee in time, a gang puts him in a barrel, and lights him on fire.

Or he could simply stop hiding, move back to the U.S., have a few rough years experiencing the consequences of his actions, and begin building his life in his early 50s.

 

[lester]

Come and collect your prize!

Look at this thing with the avocados. Hahaha.

I'm convinced now they see him coming and just throw some unused, getting ready to be thrown out, shit on a plate for him to devour.
Gringo, five star days

 

[Blue Miaplacidus]

That would be a really interesting livestream. Imagine someone that speaks English actually going through with an illegal boarder crossing

It happens more often than you would think. It's actually pretty boring, only retards use coyotes because they often just fuck you over by holding you hostage for more money, that's why they generally only transport old women. Healthy juveniles and adults just load up with two gallon jugs of water and two loafs of bread and walk through the desert for two days. However, it would be very entertaining watching Ralph struggle to walk for two days and nights while women and children out pace him.

 

[HackerX]

that's why they generally only transport old women.

Ralph passes this filter.

 

[Gorilla Milk]

Imagine someone that speaks English actually going through with an illegal boarder crossing, showing everyone how millions of people have done it in the past four years. I would tune in because it would, in a way, be real journalism.

It would genuinely do wonders for getting attention as a right wing e-grifter, too.

 

[Dixieland Buckaroo]

That would be a really interesting livestream. Imagine someone that speaks English actually going through with an illegal boarder crossing, showing everyone how millions of people have done it in the past four years. I would tune in because it would, in a way, be real journalism.

So yeah, Ralph won't do it.

Announcing an illegal border crossing worked out real well for CRP. I can only hope the same for Ralph.

 

[HackerX]

Announcing an illegal border crossing worked out real well for CRP. I can only hope the same for Ralph.

Any border crossing is an illegal border crossing for Ralph at this point. He's the Mexican adaptation of Tom Hanks from The Terminal, except none of the locals care about what happens to him. He's already copying one of the plotlines! Instead of returning baggage carts for whaters, he's returning empty piss bottles for pesos.

 

[Terence Trent D'ARPA]

Instead of handing Ethan a fine or jail time, the judge should sentence him to "touch grass" -- by sentencing him to community service. (Of course, he'd be allowed to livestream it.)

Could you imagine a livestream of Ethan picking up trash in a park? You'd get all the Steel Toe fans, Rekeita watchers, and run-of-the-mill Aaaaayyyylogs trying to get his attention. Hell, that park would be dirtier than he found it!

Come to think of it, maybe that' s not so great an idea . . .

 

[Goofy Logic]

Instead of handing Ethan a fine or jail time, the judge should sentence him to "touch grass" -- by sentencing him to community service. (Of course, he'd be allowed to livestream it.)

Could you imagine a livestream of Ethan picking up trash in a park? You'd get all the Steel Toe fans, Rekeita watchers, and run-of-the-mill Aaaaayyyylogs trying to get his attention. Hell, that park would be dirtier than he found it!

Come to think of it, maybe that' s not so great an idea . . .

Ralph will go to the park to do litter cleanup, and the whole park is polluted with corn cobs for some reason.

 

[Schpoots]

Could the nationwide warrant have something to do with Ralph swatting people? (Or paying Torswats to do it, whatever.) His warrant came out in a similiar time frame to torswats being gaped by the feds and Metokur alluded to some familiar and predictable names being involved. I wonder if the contempt of court charges are just a smoke screen excuse to lure him back to the US to solve the problem. Then they ambush his ass with swatting charges when the greasy pig is actually in their hands.

 

[JustStopDude]

Could the nationwide warrant have something to do with Ralph swatting people? (Or paying Torswats to do it, whatever.) His warrant came out in a similiar time frame to torswats being gaped by the feds and Metokur alluded to some familiar and predictable names being involved. I wonder if the contempt of court charges are just a smoke screen excuse to lure him back to the US to solve the problem. Then they ambush his ass with swatting charges when the greasy pig is actually in their hands.

I think it's far more likely that its because of the 3 ring circus surrounding the throuple, that annoying steel toe guy, the simple fact that Minnesota law is quite clear that this hearing wasn't to be recorded, and that when the judge restated the law at the start of the hearing, Ralph just drunkeningly slurred something along the lines "fuck you judge Bish. J ain't recording shit...I'm livestreaming. Come get me".

It's kind of funny, but this is also how the US military handles AWOL personnel. They don't send MP's or nothing. Just a simple warrant is sent nationwide and as soon as the idiot so much as gets a speeding ticket, they are county lockup until a local enlistment recruiter can be convinced to grab the kid and ride a bus back.

 

[Capt. Jean Luc Ritard]

I think it's far more likely that its because of the 3 ring circus surrounding the throuple, that annoying steel toe guy, the simple fact that Minnesota law is quite clear that this hearing wasn't to be recorded, and that when the judge restated the law at the start of the hearing, Ralph just drunkeningly slurred something along the lines "fuck you judge Bish. J ain't recording shit...I'm livestreaming. Come get me".

It's kind of funny, but this is also how the US military handles AWOL personnel. They don't send MP's or nothing. Just a simple warrant is sent nationwide and as soon as the idiot so much as gets a speeding ticket, they are county lockup until a local enlistment recruiter can be convinced to grab the kid and ride a bus back.

Ralph is AWOL. Alone, WithOut Love.

 

[AnOminous]

Healthy juveniles and adults just load up with two gallon jugs of water and two loafs of bread and walk through the desert for two days.

And even a fair number of them don't make it to the other side. Rage Pig would end up being one of the baked mummies Border Patrol finds every year in remote areas of sparsely patrolled national parks on the border.

Ralph just drunkeningly slurred something along the lines "fuck you judge Bish. J ain't recording shit...I'm livestreaming. Come get me".

Someone has illegally broadcast virtually every lolcow-related hearing and nothing has happened. But Ralph had to go and deliberately piss off the judge on top of that. That is the cherry on top of the Rage Pig stupidity sundae. He managed to cop a contempt for something that is usually disregarded even though it's clearly against the law.