Tw: Mental health issues. Legal su*cide. Bullying
My daughter (35f) has very much struggled with her autism her entire life. I'm not autistic and our relationship is very strained. She's a good kid. She's also my only kid for a reason. Her dad disappeared and my family is tiny. She's always felt very alone. I've even found some threads were she asked autistic parent's and other autistics for advixe and just been.... harassed, would be an understatement. Her IQ and her EQ are both in the top .01% when you exclude her motor skills (bottom 5% and interpersonal skills bottom 2%). She's my brilliant, compassionate, sensitive genuis who is far too clumsy and a bit socially awkward.
Her first suicidal thought was around 7 or 8, which is when we also started psych therapy. The thoughts are always there. Every 3 or 4 year since she ends up in the hospital for an attempt. Honesly, I know what has kept her from pushing harder for the past 10 years is because she's afraid she's gonna fail and end up worse.
We've tried therapy, medication, alternative meds, alternative therapy, residential, and sooo much more. Before yall start with "she needs to find her people" - she's literally one of the most emotionally compentent people in the world except interpersonally. In trying to "find her people", she's given too much grace and been too sensitive. People make her feel worse as she "has to hate herself to be liked by others". Honestly, considering this has led to many damgeous sitatuons, people arent't good for her mental health.
She gave me the paperwork that approved her seeking legally assisted suicide for Christmas this year. Obviously lots of incredibly mixed feelings about this. She has structures her life to keep fighting as long as she can but she's never really been happy. She knows that pne her physical quality of life goes, she
will go. I accept that as I assume I will be long gone. But.... her social and emotional health... my kid doesn't live for herself or for enjoying life. She never has. She doesnt want to leave me alone. Feels wrong for me to expect her to live for my happiness.
My daughter is going to do this. Multiple professionals (including her doctor of 20 years) have agreed. While I hope my child will change her mind, she is pursing this in a legal way. She wants to die with dignity, not in some of the places/ways I've found her. She wants to prevent causing lasting harm and trauma to anyone who may find her body.
My daughter deserves something she has never known - peace and acceptance. For the first time in 35 years, I saw the start of that.
I feel like I have failed as a parent but I feel like I would fail her even more if I don't support her in this. She knows I want her here. She knows I want her happy. I feel like this may be my last chance to be there for her and support her. All I can hope is that she will change her mind.