Weird Bible Stories

[Sparkletor 2.0]

Are you questioning the content of it or simply the presence of a talking animal? I suspect the latter and the answer should be fairly obvious. The text itself states God opened the donkey's mouth. It wasn't the donkey talking but God talking through the donkey, and God can do anything so making a donkey talk is well within His ability.

This is the weird Bible stories thread. A talking donkey is weird.

So is the story of Lot after he fled Sodom and Gomorra. Got date raped by both of his daughters.

Genesis 19:30-36
New International Version
Lot and His Daughters
30 Lot and his two daughters left Zoar and settled in the mountains, for he was afraid to stay in Zoar. He and his two daughters lived in a cave. 31 One day the older daughter said to the younger, “Our father is old, and there is no man around here to give us children—as is the custom all over the earth. 32 Let’s get our father to drink wine and then sleep with him and preserve our family line through our father.”

33 That night they got their father to drink wine, and the older daughter went in and slept with him. He was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up.

34 The next day the older daughter said to the younger, “Last night I slept with my father. Let’s get him to drink wine again tonight, and you go in and sleep with him so we can preserve our family line through our father.” 35 So they got their father to drink wine that night also, and the younger daughter went in and slept with him. Again he was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up.

36 So both of Lot’s daughters became pregnant by their father.

 

[Lawltism2]

I don't know, I think God killing you for being hesitant about getting your brother's widow pregnant is a bit much. Old Testament was kind of wild. But I do mostly agree with this, especially in stories like Sodom and Gamorrah. But that story isn't weird, imo, just super rad.

Edit: To be clear, the smiting was rad. Not the stuff they were actually doing in the cities.

Technically, the dude did have sex with her, he just pulled out and nutted on the floor instead of inside her. That's where we get the term onanism.

 

[Guns of the Gaytriots]

Okay, how about Balaam's talking donkey?

Balaam was summoned to "put a curse" on the Israelites as they came from Exodus. But God showed up and told him to not go. Eventually though, God said to go, but to only do what he told him to. Before this, the donkey was trying to avoid the angel of the Lord, but Balaam was trying to get back on track by beating it, ignoring the sign of his spooked donkey. Eventually, God had to directly intervene and say, "Hey, isn't your donkey acting weird? This is a sign from me, dummy." I think the story is more about trusting in God's plan for each of us.

 

[Preacher ✝]

So is the story of Lot after he fled Sodom and Gomorra. Got date raped by both of his daughters.

1. That All humans, even the ones to which God speaks with directly, have a sinful nature and do bad stuff

 

[Brenda Holiday]

This might be a strange question........was Noah raped? This has been a weird continuing argument between some coworkers. I think it fits the topic plus yall know much better than I do.

 

[Guns of the Gaytriots]

This might be a strange question........was Noah raped? This has been a weird continuing argument between some coworkers. I think it fits the topic plus yall know much better than I do.

I presume they are referring to this:

Spoiler: NIV Genesis 9:20-29

20 Noah, a man of the soil, proceeded to plant a vineyard. 21 When he drank some of its wine,he became drunk and lay uncovered inside his tent. 22 Ham, the father of Canaan, saw his father naked and told his two brothers outside.23 But Shem and Japheth took a garment and laid it across their shoulders; then they walked in backward and covered their father’s naked body. Their faces were turned the other way so that they would not see their father naked.

24 When Noah awoke from his wine and found out what his youngest son had done to him,25 he said,

“Cursed be Canaan!
The lowest of slaves
will he be to his brothers.”
26 He also said,

“Praise be to the Lord, the God of Shem!
May Canaan be the slave of Shem.
27 May God extend Japheth’s territory;
may Japheth live in the tents of Shem,
and may Canaan be the slave of Japheth.”
28 After the flood Noah lived 350 years. 29 Noah lived a total of 950 years, and then he died.

From what I can tell, it's just that one of his sons saw him naked while drunk. The other two just covered him up without looking.

 

[Neodanthril]

was Noah raped? This has been a weird continuing argument between some coworkers

i havent seen anything to suggest it. would love to hear the argument for it though

 

[Sparkletor 2.0]

You guys can explain it all away with symbolism and translation differences and whatever. It doesn't change the fact that the book has wizards, witches, dragons, unicorns, talking animals, giants, and magic. It's kind of weird.

This is why I think Christians tell new converts to not read the whole Bible and just read the gospels and maybe Psalms and Proverbs. Kind of hard to get people to believe all the weird stuff.

 

[Guns of the Gaytriots]

You guys can explain it all away with symbolism and translation differences and whatever. It doesn't change the fact that the book has wizards, witches, dragons, unicorns, talking animals, giants, and magic. It's kind of weird.

This is why I think Christians tell new converts to not read the whole Bible and just read the gospels and maybe Psalms and Proverbs. Kind of hard to get people to believe all the weird stuff.

All religions were made in an attempt to explain the world around them. You have things like the Greek pantheon, with Zeus being the explanation for thunder and lightning, etc. Judaism and all Abrahamic faiths based on it took a more societal approach, to explain certain laws, moralities, and wars. God is omnipotent because it didn't matter to the Jews what caused wind to blow. God does it. They were more focused on God's opinion about what is and isn't a sin. Jesus came to push the idea that forgiveness and compassion make the world a better place.

Is there a higher power? There might be. I choose to believe so. I even believe that it's God. But I see the Bible as a collection of parables, metaphorical stories that justify certain behaviors. Half of it is also a history book, a collection of stories and traditions for Jewish parents to point at when their kid says, "Why do we do this a certain way?" And obviously a lot has changed since those times, so not everything holds up. But that doesn't mean it's worthless.

Also, I think Christians tell new converts to read those parts so they don't get bored by all of the boring genealogy stuff in the Old Testament. But yeah, it can get a little strange sometimes.

 

[Brenda Holiday]

I presume they are referring to this:

Yes, thats it. I didnt really get rape from it either, but I suppose I can see how someone could? Maybe?

 

[Plantation Barbie]

Judges chapter 3 tells the story of a man named Ehud who managed to successfully assassinate the king of Moab. Ehud told the king that he had a secret message for him and convinced him to dismiss his gaurds. The king was an obese man. He was so fat that when Ehud thrust his sword into his abdomen the entire sword (hilt and all) was swallowed up by fat. Ehud didn't bother to retrieve his sword. Ehud locked the door to the throne room upon his exit. The guards did return a few minutes later. But when they saw the door was locked they assumed the king was taking a shit or something and didn't respond immediately. Allowing Ehud to escape the castle unnoticed.

https://www.christianity.com/bible/niv/judges/3-12-30

Okay maybe not the weirdest story but it's pretty comical.

 

[Guns of the Gaytriots]

Yes, thats it. I didnt really get rape from it either, but I suppose I can see how someone could? Maybe?

It is a bit weird how he reacted to being seen naked with, "Fuck you I hope your son and all of his descendants are slaves to my other sons." I can see how someone might think that something else had to have happened to warrant that response, but things could've also just been different back then. I personally don't think he was raped, though, since the Bible probably would have specified. I think the extent of it was Ham probably saying, "Lol, dad's drunk and naked," to his brothers, and his brothers being like, "Kinda gay for you to be looking, ngl."

 

[Tablet County]

People always act aghast that there stories of really screwed up things in the Bible, but those are there to highlight
1. That All humans, even the ones to which God speaks with directly, have a sinful nature and do bad stuff
2. The need for a savior and a perfect atonement ( Jesus)
So no, the fact of it being written in the Bible is not the Bible endorsing the behavior necessarily as some bad actors attempt to say.

Having said that the song of Solomon is very weird and not a part of the Bible I care to read very much

How does God summoning bears to to maul teenagers making fun of one of His prophets outline the sinfulness of man?

 

[NvII iS 8ulLt f0R 88C]

My niggas always talking about the ''weird'' parts of the Bible, but never the beautiful parts of the Bible smh.

 

[Guns of the Gaytriots]

My niggas always talking about the ''weird'' parts of the Bible, but never the beautiful parts of the Bible smh.

https://kiwifarms.st/threads/whats-your-fave-bible-verse.39403/

How does God summoning bears to to maul teenagers making fun of one of His prophets outline the sinfulness of man?

It means being bald is less of a sin than making fun of someone for being bald. Not a favorable revelation for the Farms, unfortunately.

 

[Joe Swanson]

This might be a strange question........was Noah raped? This has been a weird continuing argument between some coworkers. I think it fits the topic plus yall know much better than I do.

That's a more extreme interpretation of Ham dishonouring his father, but it's also a recent one there's no direct textual evidence to indicate that anyone thought about said dishonour that way historically

 

[Fastest Hand In The East]

I'm not a religion scholar, but every time I open pre-Christ writings it's always "God told he will kill her if she doesn't cut off the left hand of her unborn 4th child" or "God told them to kill their fathers, brothers and sons for the sin of drinking milk while a woman was giving birth" or "He allowed strangers to rape his daughter, then called her a whore and poured the molten silver into her throat, as the God commanded, for silver clenses the sin" or"God killed their children to prove He exists", someone is always threatening someone with severe bodily harm, or someone is begging not to be killed in a cruel and totrurous way.

 

[Mad_Dog]

I'm not a religion scholar, but every time I open pre-Christ writings it's always "God told he will kill her if she doesn't cut off the left hand of her unborn 4th child" or "God told them to kill their fathers, brothers and sons for the sin of drinking milk while a woman was giving birth" or "He allowed strangers to rape his daughter, then called her a whore and poured the molten silver into her throat, as the God commanded, for silver clenses the sin" or"God killed their children to prove He exists", someone is always threatening someone with severe bodily harm, or someone is begging not to be killed in a cruel and totrurous way.

No religion or worldview apart from Christianity teaches that human beings are created in God’s image and likeness, destined to share in His divine life through grace, becoming His children and living in communion with Him. Creation stories of other religions depict us as slaves or entertainment for the gods.

 

[Fastest Hand In The East]

No religion or worldview apart from Christianity teaches that human beings are created in God’s image and likeness, destined to share in His divine life through grace, becoming His children and living in communion with Him. Creation stories of other religions depict us as slaves or entertainment for the gods.

What this has to do with God doing bizzare and cruel things to people for no obvious reason in writings?

 

[Sparkletor 2.0]

I'm not a religion scholar, but every time I open pre-Christ writings it's always "God told he will kill her if she doesn't cut off the left hand of her unborn 4th child" or "God told them to kill their fathers, brothers and sons for the sin of drinking milk while a woman was giving birth" or "He allowed strangers to rape his daughter, then called her a whore and poured the molten silver into her throat, as the God commanded, for silver clenses the sin" or"God killed their children to prove He exists", someone is always threatening someone with severe bodily harm, or someone is begging not to be killed in a cruel and totrurous way.

Yeah and then there are these zany laws that make no sense...

Leviticus 18:6-17 NIV
“ ‘No one is to approach any close relative to have sexual relations. I am the LORD. “ ‘Do not dishonor your father by having sexual relations with your mother. She is your mother; do not have relations with her. “ ‘Do not have sexual relations with your father’s wife; that would dishonor your father. “ ‘Do not have sexual relations with your sister, either your father’s daughter or your mother’s daughter, whether she was born in the same home or elsewhere. “ ‘Do not have sexual relations with your son’s daughter or your daughter’s daughter; that would dishonor you. “ ‘Do not have sexual relations with the daughter of your father’s wife, born to your father; she is your sister. “ ‘Do not have sexual relations with your father’s sister; she is your father’s close relative. “ ‘Do not have sexual relations with your mother’s sister, because she is your mother’s close relative. “ ‘Do not dishonor your father’s brother by approaching his wife to have sexual relations; she is your aunt. “ ‘Do not have sexual relations with your daughter-in-law. She is your son’s wife; do not have relations with her. “ ‘Do not have sexual relations with your brother’s wife; that would dishonor your brother. “ ‘Do not have sexual relations with both a woman and her daughter. Do not have sexual relations with either her son’s daughter or her daughter’s daughter; they are her close relatives. That is wickedness.