There is this guy who I always tell stories about from my time in Hawaii who was one of the most unthinkable dullards I have ever met. His name is Bobby and he is the most morbidly obese hot mess I have ever had the displeasure of interacting with. To understand Bobbert you have to realize he was a white boy who grew up in racist as fuck Hawaii who has been Morbidly obese since his early teens. His father committed suicide when he was 14 and he is riding his dead ol dads coat tails as an excuse that his family can't be mocked lest he descend into some sort of murderous black metal rage. This is just a small sample of some serious TL
R crazy.
My first encounter with this chud chump hybrid was in Junior high when I had a rather boring computer class on outdated macs. This 350lbs plus kid, who was two years my junior waddles into the class and starts moving towards a row of computers used for kids who were just there to type something up or whatever. I had heard rumors of this kid having all sorts of fucking flip outs and being obnoxious. Though I had only seen him twice and never talked to him until now. He comes in and just has this piggy mouth breathing face and looks constantly angry. My friend locks eyes with him and Bobby immediately goes on the defensive and sneers "what are you looking at me for" my friend being a smart ass says something to the effect of him being hard not to look at since he filling up his field of view. Bobby starts muttering out little insults and being generally shitty and I am in awe of how someone can be so completely unlikable. He see's me and stammers out "what." and I dryly reply that "Oh everything is fine Bobby just go take a chair, actually take two so you don't break just the one" He looks like he is about to say something dumb and I hear this booming HAW HAW HAW HAW from behind and I turn to look and its a teacher aide named Tom. Hes this huge old dude who kept the various mentally fucked kids inline or something. He shakes his ultimate muscle santa head side to side a couple times chuckling and walks off. I turn back and Bobby looks devastated and sits down and quietly goes about his computer work.
I heard a few stories about him losing it and throwing a desk at some kids and other flip outs on the bus but never really see him. I saw him once being dumb at a local gaming store and left the island for a few years. Upon my return he started showing up to a local gaming group we organized and he was the dumbest sack of shit about playing tabletop games. Things like bragging about his DPS at a D&D game or calling the guy he was getting a ride home from that evening a retarder fucker because he was IRL upset about the plight of some dwarf gypsies in the game. He would lose it playing Warhammer 40k and would drag a game out for 4 fucking hours, it was absurd. Quite often he would try to joke around with the guys but then start hurling intentionally hurtful insults that didn't work and then freak out when he got snappy comebacks in return. He practically had meltdown when he tried to give me shit about something inconsequential and I asked him "You know what?" then goofily lisped his go to comeback of "Shut the fuck up" back at him. He went full fucking Trigglypuff arms flailing with impotent rage over a dad joke of an insult while we all laughed.
He worked at Wal-mart for awhile before being fired for back sass to a manager or creeping on a customer or some fun combo of the two. However since as a 18-20 year old he had no transportation to work besides the bus he was stuck waiting at the stop for hours due to bad public transportation. Now Bobby was fat in school but by now he is 450lbs or more and 6 foot 4. and has the personal hygiene of a maggot. Still his manager at the time took pity on this poor goon and offered to drive him home on days he worked as his moms apartment (you didn't think he was functional right?) was only a few minutes away. He did this for several months until Bobby got shit canned.
However the story doesn't end! The manager noticed a troubling thing that after about a week of Bobby not working and not being around him. That his car still fucking reeked of bad BO, like dogfood that has sat in water for a few hours and started to rot bad. He cleans the car, shampoos the seats but the smell keeps coming back. Now remember Hawaii is 80f+ all year round so this is fucking bad news to hop into a hot car after work that smells like a D&D convention has been slow cooking for hours. Poor guy takes the car to the dealer and is like look I gave this fat dolt rides and not the car stinks. The dealer explains due to his poor hygiene and weight that the filth has been pressed into the core of the foam like a kitchen sponge and that the only option is to remove the seat and bury it in the old pet semetary before replacing it.
After Wally World he worked at Lowes for awhile and would get stuck at the return counter by himself and with 3-4 hour shifts intentionally on his off days. Now this was obviously to try to get him to quit as he was an obnoxious smelly failure but he didn't understand that. He was upset he was having to take a taxi to work and back because the bus didn't run on weekends. Making it so he was just breaking even some days due to cutting his hours. He however stuck it the fuck out like a champ and they finally had to promote him due to having put in enough time. So they decided to stick him in the back as the receiving supervisor. Now he bitched about his promotion and getting good cash after his fucked experience having cut hours. Claiming they did it so they can fire him, which turned out to be a self fulfilling prophecy. As he decided to play on his phone/DS for the entire 3-4 weeks he was supervisor. The forklift operators and warehouse people just continued to do their jobs while the inbox piled up with deliveries and paperwork.
This all came to a head when a contractor for a multi million dollar home decided to order an entire cargo container of fancy tiles and fittings. The semi shows up from Hilo and drops off the trailer which sits for 2 weeks without getting unloaded into the warehouse. Contractor comes in and has his semi ready to be loaded and goes hey wheres my stuff? His stuff had been loaded back unto a barge and sent back to California a week ago and was currently in the middle of the Pacific. Bobby had never properly done the paperwork on this special order so it would be held or unloaded so the driver just took what he thought was an empty trailer back to the dock like he was supposed to. Manager fired him on the spot and told him to never come back in the store again.
One of the more amusing moments was when we are at a mutual friends house (poor guy was trying to mentor him) and we were bullshiting about random stuff. Bobby was going on about something autistic about some local event happening and mentioned the word Hawaiian. To which I interjected a short vignette one of my friends used to do about two Hawaiian guys who are looking for cruise Wal-mart and then after go to McDonalds. The punchline being one cousin asking the other where McDonalds stay after they leave Wal-mart to which the other cousin imparts deep sagely knowledge as replies "Ho bra Wal-mart IS McDonalds" which they both reflect upon. It gets some laughs from the jokes and voices.
Bobby is fuming and starts stammering out insults at me and I go "Woah what the fuck is all this about, did I offend you somehow because you perhaps identify with the characters who are also morbidly obease?" (Hawaiians taunted him constantly in school) To which he starts going into how he would be crazy if he thought that, I nod my head rapidly as he spouts this obvious wisdom of his own. He flips out and starts screaming how if he was crazy he would have gutted me a long time ago and all sorts of dark edgy violence. I lean back and smugly tell him that "Look I got nothing to worry about, because I am whale humiliation expert". His comeback to this is a hilarious flop of "Oh well I guess everyone is good at something but I guess thats the only thing you good at". I thank him for his compliment and sulks about it til he can get a ride home.
There are pages worth of dumb events like these. Like when he tried to get a guys wife to divorce him in some bizarre attempt to talk to a girl. When his best friend (in his mind) came back from the navy and kept calling him bitch boy. When he actually got a huge fat Polynesian girl to date him and she instantly broke up with him after a few days when she realized it was just so he could have rides to and from Warhammer 40k games. When he texted a girl who was dating his mentor in the middle of the night to try to rat the guy out as having talked behind her back by making up lies so she would think he was a valuable tattletale/informant and thus talk to him. The list goes on.
Finally last I heard he burned all his bridges, didn't leave the house except for work and was up past 500 pounds. What a fucking stud.
Oh god I went and looked him up this afternoon. I present the legend himself.
https://www.facebook.com/robert.j.horton.58
*I was going to clean up my numerous spelling mistakes but I think leaving them as a reminder of not to type shit like this out at 3am and not proofread it properly is a lesson I should learn.
