I just had my third surgery, the scrotal implants, done. My surgeon had spent the entire time I was having these surgeries telling me that my dick was going to be unburied. I am overweight, but tbh I'm not absolutely obese or anything. My weight has always been an issue, and ever since childhood it has seemed nearly impossible for me to lose weight no matter what I do. Doctors don't seem to be willing to help me figure out why, either, but thats a different story. I had the first surgery, which was hell. They told me that my penis would be unburied after the second surgery, the monsplasty. Well, instead of removing any fat or doing anything with the mons they simply lifted up everything, which I think made it worse, moving the ball sack up to cover my dick. Then they said it would be improved after scrotoplasty, but it was made ten times worse. It was only three weeks ago, so I guess there could be some swelling, but I don't know how much swelling it could possibly be. My dick is more buried than it ever has been. The scrotal implants are digging into it and my bladder so much that when I push everything back to see my penis, it's bruised. And it's so hidden.
When I'm rock hard it comes out, and my wife will say "oh here it comes out of its hidey hole!" and I had to hold myself back from getting really angry when she said it. Ruined sex, that's for sure. When I can use it, its capable of penetration, it's really big when hard and I like that about it. But... I can't see or feel it day to day.
I feel like a eunuch. I feel disgusting and horrible, like a monster. Even if it's really gratifying in bed, it's useless everywhere else, and it makes me feel like, sick to my stomach. I could have saved time, money, pain, suffering if I had just not done this. I saw all the results from other people but of course I can't have that, because I'm fat.
My surgeon, before my last surgery, told me I might need liposuction after all. From who? He didn't have anyone to recommend, he said. Just figure it out, I guess. Go pay more and take more time off work because I couldn't be honest with you from the start.
I'm in the US, too. Saw US doctors. Paid a lot, in fact. I moved to a bigger city and am seeing a more experienced doctor, this time a plastic surgeon instead of a urologist. But I'm honestly pissed I had three surgeries and did not get anything close to what I was promised, and I can't see this new surgeon until December. I don't know what to do.
I feel broken. I am disgusted with myself for thinking it but what if the transphobes were right, and the surgeon was only out there to make money off me? It doesn't seem like my results really matter to them. Maybe I am mutilated. I feel like it.
What do I do? Just wait until December for this other surgeon and get a FOURTH surgery for revision? If gender affirming surgery is even legal here then.
I feel stupid, too, because there's this scar sort of drawing my balls together.
Last night, I said fuck it and tried to cut it myself. Couldn't go deep enough. Now I just have a stinging cut on my balls, and it's a part thats buried, too. Honestly, I'm just suicidal at this point.
).I did a dive into xir’s post history and found some gems.
