Despair attack post!
A new kind of weed isn't hitting. I take it primarily to help w insomnia even tho yes i do love being high. When I don't take it, I generally feel a lot of despair, I send a lot of despairing messages. I have a really hard time "holding it in" but also it often hurts my relationships. Which means I try harder to hold it in and then explode
it's so shitty how much of a people pleaser i can be. it has screwed me over in so many ways but the way im thinking of right now is how i try to guess what ppl want from me and sometimes more literally who they want ME to be. I can twist myself into foolish little eggshell-walking pretzels doing this shit. i end up v scared of ppl I love v much. and being so cautious and disclaimer everything, try to give ppl an easy out of uncomfortable topics
I was typing an emotional message earlier to someone earlier and typed, "I try not to ask for what I need" and cried when I realized what I'd typed. it's true tho. like it is not surprising im not sure what i want besides like. sleep, to feel connected to ppl in nice ways (TO LOVE & BE LOVED), and physical pleasure (pervert shit but also eating and crafting and working out and being in nature).
but like what do i want out of relationships past love & be loved? I dunno. Obviously I need
some shit. I need evidence on a regular basis that the person does in fact care about me. And like as I've been doing hookups, trying to be FWBs, etc like I'm learning what I can and can't deal w over again. Even w Jerry. Like unforch when u are in a long ass relationship u have to reassess periodically still too
But also sometimes I just have no fuckin clue! I'm operating w what is my best educated guess and it can still be totally wrong. Which maybe should be a duh but . Not a duh for me in practice I guess.
i feel like everyone is already suffering. there is no room for my suffering, which is bigger than me so I boil over myself.
it often takes v little to have me smiling to myself about someone. i have had ppl concerned about that before. it definitely helps me get into Situations
I love most ppl v much already (freaks ppl out).
Friendship, romance, and sex are all v diffused and overlapping for me (freaks ppl out). Filial/friendship love is not easily identifiable to me as separate from romantic love. For me, sexual attraction & activity is separate from feeling love, tho sex also is often an expression of love.
I can get why ppl are weirded out by it like I get it. These rules define a lot of relationships and life stages for ppl. So much identity wrapped up in relationships and how we practice them. So much violence over them. Like there is so much that goes into defining these things and what they mean to us and other ppl. Of course ppl are freaked out by my feelings. Bcuz they like. Just don't match whole systems and identities of being so like. Yeah of course ppl hate it. But I still feel it whoops
i like to think im a good friend but maybe im not. maybe "everyone" is correct that I'm a piece of shit that should def die sooner rather than later. that's the shit im working sooo hard to interrupt every five seconds. it's like trying to fight my way out of a net or sweater. it looks like it should be easy and probably is if you're fuckin regulated
Anyway I guess like. im a fat hyperromantic hypersexual trans autistic w trauma lmao
maybe some shit I need...I need physical touch, the more frequent the better. I sometimes need protocols/guidelines/scripts/plans to follow (it's hard to write this one. I feel like I shouldn't need this, like oh what if it's "just" anxiety. trying to accept that this is where im at even if it isn't something other ppl need). I need to be able to be pretty open w ppl - if a lot of topics are off limits or I don't feel like I can share my feels I start feeling explosive from the strain of holding back. Similarly, I need to be able to tell ppl how Im feeling even if it's weird shit, whether it's an i love u or I am so full of poop or stupid star wars jokes only I get or whatever. I need to be able to talk about uncomfortable shit w ppl (I have lost so many relationships to ppl just peace-outing the first time shit gets a lil wobbly. they gotta if they need to obvy but like woof it is so hard to make friends and i have to put in so much effort to like, get and keep a relationship going over time [especially when I'm trying subconsciously to not have needs
] that the abrupt break-offs have felt so big and devastating typically but I dunno maybe that's everyone. maybe I truly am an oversensitive POS
)
I want to be able to ask for reassurance about a relationship ("we cool?") without it ruining the other person's day. I want to be able to get lovey dovey tender to ppl.
Unrealistic-feeling fantasy level shit is like. Wishing for someone to want and like touching me a LOT; I have always wanted someone to wanna like, mentally map my body via touch which is something I like doing to other ppl. I fantasize a lot currently about living other lives - being able to be someone else that can fill ppls needs that I can't. Like, I dunno, all kinds of shit. I have wished I could go out more so I could just show up and be more present w someone. To be able to be at a different place in life to like, live a chapter being someone's neighbor. To bring someone meals. To be able to gift someone enough money to not worry anymore about something. And I'm fuckin nonbinary and am the shapeshifter stereotype...I wish I could be different ppl or animals to meet other ppl's needs, too.
Almost as far back as I can remember, I have wished to connect w ppl - usually pining for a One True Love to go on Adventures with. I'm a fuckin romantic thru and thru. It wasnt even about a specific person it was just like. There are ppl out there to find who will do this hard shit w me. But like how I'd know it was Really The One was usually a kid's version of sex (kiss kiss, hold hands, hold each other tenderly while our wounds are tended to by elves)
Anyway I remember when I was 15, I started cutting, and feeling suicidal ideation. I remember even then wishing I could turn into a ghost - literally a wind, an unseen presence/force that could watch over people I cared about and protect them somehow like a guardian spirit. But then being so intensely sad that would mean they wouldn't ever know I was there doing it.
I have been taught & have practiced making myself invisible and Unbothersome over and over and over. I feel both really sad about this constant struggle for me and also determined to break free of that over and over and over.
