Careercow Jack Russell Scalfani / Cooking With Jack / Jack on the Go Show / jakatak - YouTube "Celebrity" "Chef", Living Encyclopedia of Gluttony-Induced Maladies, Salmonella Elemental

[Marc]

Jack sits on videos for weeks. Only God knows why, because it isn't because of editing time or having satellite Internet because of living induhwuds, but whatever. I would think being a lurker that Rob would know he'd have to have published his own in January to affect Jack's content, but that'd also require Jack be open with his plans online instead of just posting boomerfaggotry on Twatter.

Though it would be funny and weird as hell for it to be the case, I don't *believe* Jack either intentionally or consistently produces videos weeks in advance - I think he flat-out routinely forgets to publish some, while also uploading others within an hour of filming them because posting UTOOB is a narcissistic ritual feeding into his delusions of importance. I suspect many of the "day trip" videos are filmed days before being uploaded because Jack forgets having filmed them during the drive back home or Tammy's detour through the Taco Bell drive-thru to pacify her giant, shitting baby with thirty four dollars' worth of non-carnivore items.

A number of my personal lolcows are low-functioning narcs like Jack; who post the laziest shit imaginable just to reaffirm their importance to an imagined audience presumed to be hanging on their every word. None of them intentionally take the time to produce videos in advance - It's a fix they impatiently fiend for; and there's a tendency to upload more frequently during periods wherein they crave extra escapism from IRL failings or other bad news alluded to in their videos and social media feed through their narc filter (typically through grandiosely presenting some triflingly personal disappointment as an unprecedented plight symptomatic of a politically expedient "issue" afflicting similarly important, named celebrities they fancy themselves peers of, with HITHERTO UNKNOWN IMPLICATIONS FOR THE FUTURE, ABOUT WHICH THEY SHALL DULY CONTINUE TO KEEP US UPDATED).

So if it turns out that Jack sits on scheduled content for non-dementia reasons, that may be a fun, additional layer of delusion to discuss.

 

[AltisticRight]

Jack has been known to wear a hat in church.

Who the fuck does that?

Someone who wants to hide their smaller hat?
Seriously though, he's just prime White trash. It's all just a larp for him.
Progressive of his church to have wheelchair accessibility.

Scrapple just dropped

So he made a chunk of polenta with food scraps added in? This looks absolutely vile.

 

[Gulls on Film]

Scrapple just dropped

I agree with the thumbnail as I am also having an existential crisis looking at that thing.

SCRAPPLE???

 

[souschef]

I agree with the thumbnail as I am also having an existential crisis looking at that thing.

SCRAPPLE???

Scrapple? More like Is Craple amirite

 

[Seymour Duncan]

Not necessarily. The nurse could potentially get fired if something happened. Healthcare facilities are very law-suit averse.

Also it makes daily operations much more annoying if you have to start planning diets and kitchen operations around retards hauling in 1800cal Double Bacon Coronators with Extra Big-Ass Fries for their loved ones to gorge on, and once the Scalfani-equivalents who have to be on mandatory restricted diets to not die start cottoning onto others getting random comfort food hauls, the resulting whinging about inequality and discrimination will drive a lesser man to kill.

I wouldn't be surprised if some power tripping is involved, but it really is just much safer and easier to mandate a (near) zero tolerance policy from the top and have VERY strict conditions on exceptions should they even exist.

 

[REGENDarySumanai]

I had french toast stuffed with scrapple with maple syrup yesterday morning and it was amazing. Jack shits this abomination out and now I want to build the gallows and use steel cable to hang him in Lancaster.

 

[Charlie Delicious]

This is the perfect summary of Jack's incompetence in the kitchen.

Lazy idiot

 

[AnOminous]

This is the perfect summary of Jack's incompetence in the kitchen. View attachment 7042209

Lazy idiot

Worse, he'll often skip steps in some kind of "lazy man" concept, but he doesn't know what's necessary so he doesn't know what shortcuts you can take, because he's too stupid to understand why certain steps are even in there and why some of them aren't strictly necessary.

 

[Hamstirer]

Worse, he'll often skip steps in some kind of "lazy man" concept, but he doesn't know what's necessary so he doesn't know what shortcuts you can take, because he's too stupid to understand why certain steps are even in there and why some of them aren't strictly necessary.

You know when you read recipe reviews and you find a " I didn't have cheese so I substituted spaghetti and also burnt it. Terrible recipe 1*" ?

Jack is the irl YouTube version of that.

 

[p1138]

You know when you read recipe reviews and you find a " I didn't have cheese so I substituted spaghetti and also burnt it. Terrible recipe 1*" ?

Jack is the irl YouTube version of that.

I was going to respond with the fact that Fatty also substitutes shit incorrectly as well, but you already got it. Like the time he substituted what was it, blueberries for juniper berries? Or the vanilla yogurt for plain greek yogurt? No one with 10-15 years of real cooking experience even in a home kitchen would do that. Even the recent lime juice screw up should have had alarm bells ringing in the head of any normal person before going forward with it.

 

[JambledUpWords]

I was going to respond with the fact that Fatty also substitutes shit incorrectly as well, but you already got it. Like the time he substituted what was it, blueberries for juniper berries? Or the vanilla yogurt for plain greek yogurt? No one with 10-15 years of real cooking experience even in a home kitchen would do that. Even the recent lime juice screw up should have had alarm bells ringing in the head of any normal person before going forward with it.

He recently used some diet version of brown sugar for the shoofly pie recipe, even though sugar substitutes tend to burn easily when cooked in the oven. Had he just used regular brown sugar, it likely wouldn’t have come out burnt (or maybe it still would have because he read the cooking directions wrong).

He’s the type to use things like diet soda when making soda marinades for various meats, despite diet soda having fake sugars that burn quickly when applied to heat. He doesn’t understand the concept that just because a lower calorie version exists, it doesn’t mean it’s a good substitute. Many recipes that you find on blogs will also explicitly say to not use low sugar/sugar free versions for things like soda marinades due to the reason I mentioned above.

Overall, if Jack just turned on his brain every once in a while, he’d get better results with the recipes he tries, but that’s asking a lot. His cooking skills aren’t even that bad compared to other lolcows (especially KingCobraJFS), but for what he’s attempting to be (big shot cooking channel), he ranges from okay to downright revolting.

 

[ZipDisk]

My family thinks I can cook. The truth is I follow the recipe to the letter. No substitutions. It's not like a wizard did it, I just did exactly what it said on the page and the food turned out right.
I gained an unwanted reputation for being "good at ribs". I hate ribs, to me they're snot. All I did was a basic rub and tin foil tenting in an oven. A drunk could probably do a better job than I did.

Don't let your family pin you with one recipe. Thank fuck I got them to like my enchiladas more than the ribs. I use the Las Palmas recipe every fucking time, and it turns out fantastic. It used to be right on the can, but I have a recipe card for if my phone isn't handy.

 

[myhairisonfire]

Don't let your family pin you with one recipe.

Cooking recipes - pick out one that you can do, okay? ONE that you can do as opposed to a whole bunch of them that you don't know what the hell you're doing.

Spoiler

 

[ZipDisk]

I'd say pick five. If you get pinned down to one you WILL come to hate it.

 

[Marc]

@JambledUpWords, I agree with everything you posted except for the extreme optimism in thinking Jack anything less than incorrigible when it comes to filming himself throwing shit in a pot for the sake of producing a desired result. The whole reason the guy has a thirty four hundred page thread is because he has no business being around food, even to eat it (you could hand Jack a celery stick, and he would insist on sticking his tongue out to flick at its frenulum).

He recently used some diet version of brown sugar for the shoofly pie recipe, even though sugar substitutes tend to burn easily when cooked in the oven. Had he just used regular brown sugar, it likely wouldn’t have come out burnt (or maybe it still would have because he read the cooking directions wrong).

What makes Jack such a mythical lolcow is that he insists on substituting shit like this while pretending it's for the sake of someone else's diabetes: He simultaneously goes out of his way to pretend he isn't eating any of it, while going out of his way to convince Tammy he's allowed to eat all of it because "SHURGUR SUBSITOOTH!!!."

In reality, this morbidly obese woman resents any superficial effort her husband makes toward prolonging his life and her punishment. She is visibly sick to death of Jack and his nonstop bullshit to do with pretending his delusional, sanctimonious sense of importance is dependent upon somehow eating himself out of his problems (for the sake of bragging rights, rather than health) - Yet, she is entirely at fault for enabling and subsidizing it:

Tammy and her retarded parents seemingly can afford to pay for as many of Jack's failed do-overs, "sponsored" kitchen toys, and interstate outings to the wrong stores as he can think of, all so he can die perfectly spherical and eating bloody meat, while telling himself he's famous. TamHam also functions as his right arm in all of this nonsense while, again, visibly biting her tongue and hating his guts - Despite sharing all of his patently ungodly values (If she loves Jack, how could Heaven possibly be Heaven for her with Jack burning in Hell? If she hates Jack, how could it be Heaven with him there, pointing at Jesus and demanding extra sausage patties?).

Jack should be in a bottom-rung nursing home where he's constantly chastised for stealing other patients' desserts. The guy has no business inflicting his brand of evil upon the outside world - Yet we can thank Tammy for Jack living out his final years in a pole barn McMansion where she does everything she can to help him publicize every bit of his disgrace three days a week, for our recreational horror and amusement (rather than ever, ever telling him "No" outside of their sex life).

In a world where so few of us get to choose how others remember us, it's fascinating to me that Tammy does so much to ensure her husband's legacy has no room for anything but "FAT BASTARD."

 

[Buck Mullet]

Not suprising at all. When my Grandfather was dying from Lung Cancer (Asbestos related) all he wanted was a Can of Coke. The Nurse actually denied it and said I am not allowed to give him that and she will put it the trash if I leave it there for him.

There may be an underlying reason. I was visiting my grandma at Shady Pines when this Stephen Hawking looking old man who made more sounds than words managed to communicate with me that he'd like a can of Sprite from the vending machine. I felt sorry for him and got it, and after opening it for him he managed to take a chug while spilling most of it on his shirt. That's when a nurse noticed and scolded me for giving it to him, and went on to tell me without some kind of thickener added to it he couldn't swallow it and could have choked. Hope the old dude passed peacefully, he's got to be worm food by now.

 

[ZipDisk]

I understand what people are saying, but I didn't bring my grandpa a TRIPPLE THICKASS BURGER AND TORMENT FRIES.

The Carl's Jr was a local one, and we'd had lunch there many times over the years. It wasn't a favorite, that was a sub shop with brick ovens, but the carl's junior was an economical "we gotta get food before we get to point B" solutions. (Grandpa was an accountant.)

I get all of this. The guy who needed the liquid thickener probably prayed for death and just wanted one fucking sprite before he shuffled off. The asbestos grandpa mentioned earlier likely needed that fucking coke.

I hate Mcdonalds but occasionally I get hit with a craving for their bullshit. I hope that doesn't happen when I'm facing the reaper... but it probably will.

Meanwhile Jack wants more!

 

[ILikeYou]

I understand what people are saying, but I didn't bring my grandpa a TRIPPLE THICKASS BURGER AND TORMENT FRIES.

The Carl's Jr was a local one, and we'd had lunch there many times over the years. It wasn't a favorite, that was a sub shop with brick ovens, but the carl's junior was an economical "we gotta get food before we get to point B" solutions. (Grandpa was an accountant.)

I get all of this. The guy who needed the liquid thickener probably prayed for death and just wanted one fucking sprite before he shuffled off. The asbestos grandpa mentioned earlier likely needed that fucking coke.

From a human perspective, I absolutely understand wanting your loved one and even strangers to have their dying wish when it comes to food, bc why not? But, from the health facility's perspective, they probably can't monitor every request and determine if it's safe for that specific patient or not, for legal and practical reasons. Maybe they could if they really, really wanted to. But I imagine, for legal reasons, they have pretty cut and dry policies.

In that situation w/ the guy needing thickener in fluids to swallow, they'd end up having to parse each patient's record & decide whether that specific food was ok or not, all while teetering on the edge of avoiding lawsuits for premature death, even though they're about to die. If that guy choked to death on that soda, you can believe his family could sue for the health facility killing him prematurely. And it wouldn't be you, who bought it, on the hook in that lawsuit--it'd be the healthcare place he was in. And so the nurses are trying to avoid being fired, bc if the facility says they did something that could endanger the place legally, their job is gone.

As inhuman as it seems, and it does seem inhuman, I do get why they have policies like that. Maybe there should be a better way to grant people their dying wishes, on a human level, bc it is sad.

 

[Tiresome]

I'd say pick five. If you get pinned down to one you WILL come to hate it.

Honestly I have maybe five or seven recipes I consider my very best, that I'd be proud to sit in front of company or maybe even Gordon Ramsay at his most enraged, but my family invariably always asks for the easy-as-shit bean and pasta stew. I just don't get it.

 

[ZipDisk]

I agree there should be documents like that. I know they get booze for alchies, (and charge out the fucking ass accordingly)