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Dear Care and Feeding,
My partner and I are facing a dilemma regarding our 8-year-old daughter’s education. She’s now in the middle of second grade at our mid-ranked public school, and is really struggling (although not, I’ll admit, as much as her teacher) with the out-of-control behavior, nonexistent attention spans, and minimal literacy of the rest of her class. We considered private school before, but decided against it because the only remotely affordable options were religious. Now, thanks to my partner’s recent inheritance, we could afford to send her to an excellent non-religious private school that’s barely 10 minutes from our home, and prides itself on advanced academics, small class sizes, individualized instruction, and enriching after-school activities. The two of us just took a tour during a school day, and were extremely impressed by how orderly yet dynamic everything felt, and how actively interested all the kids seemed to be in learning—just like our daughter.
However, we literally did not see a single child who was significantly or noticeably what some might call “overweight”…
Our daughter is one of many such children at her current school, so much so that she has never been singled out for teasing due to her size, and does not even seem aware of it as an issue. We would prefer to keep things this way for as long as possible. We both worry that being seen as “the fat kid” in a school where she’s the only one could impact her self-image and induct her prematurely into diet culture. One of us thinks this risk is acceptable for the sake of getting her a better education, and reversing her current boredom and negativity toward school; the other doesn’t. Who is right and how can we best navigate this choice?
–Facing Weighty Decisions
Dear Facing,
I’ll set aside, for now, my own strongly-held opinion on the question of whether you should ever send your child to private school (no), and try to address the interesting particulars of this question. It is great that you are sensitive to the possibility of your child being singled out for her weight at school, and worried that she might end up too focused on her body size if she does go to this slim, trim private school. I’d counter that nearly every single aspect of American media and culture is devoted to presenting and enforcing a strictly proscribed idea of women’s beauty, and surely your daughter has already encountered these ideas, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do to prevent her from grappling with them her whole life, like basically every woman is forced to.
That’s not to say that you shouldn’t look out for these things, and speak honestly about the power and unfairness of the patriarchy, and raise her to love herself as best you can. This is just to say that no matter what school she’s at, she’s gonna be made to feel bad about fatness. This very specific concern should not be a determining factor in your school decision.
But I do want you to think about how unusual it is, in 2025 America, to encounter a large group of young people, none of whom are overweight. The thinness of this private school is a synecdoche for the totally different world that private schools promise their students, and that’s what I’d like you to think about as you make this decision. Your child’s public school is comprised of an actual cross-section of your community. That’s the power of a public school—it forces everyone in it to buy into the belief that a community that sticks together can serve its children and give them better lives. Now, the downside is that, like many Americans, many of the kids there are pains in the ass who don’t like learning, and many of the parents are too stressed/busy/downtrodden to do much about it. In contrast, a private school is by design an exclusive population of kids and parents, mostly wealthy, who prize achievement and power in ways both constructive and damaging. It’s great that kids there are devoted to learning, but really consider what spending years in that specific elite environment might covertly teach your child about not only her own body but about money, privilege, and kindness.
Your letter suggests you believe that staying in our public school as it remains exactly the same level of mediocre and moving to a private school where everything is better are the only two options. You’ve suddenly become wealthy enough to consider private school. Is there a way that, before jumping ship, you could devote some time and energy toward making your local school less mediocre? Perhaps your life didn’t allow you to volunteer regularly or join the PTA or lobby for better school funding before, but your material circumstances have changed. What if that windfall could allow you to make things better for many children in your community—not just your own?
Dan
Dear Care and Feeding,
My partner and I are facing a dilemma regarding our 8-year-old daughter’s education. She’s now in the middle of second grade at our mid-ranked public school, and is really struggling (although not, I’ll admit, as much as her teacher) with the out-of-control behavior, nonexistent attention spans, and minimal literacy of the rest of her class. We considered private school before, but decided against it because the only remotely affordable options were religious. Now, thanks to my partner’s recent inheritance, we could afford to send her to an excellent non-religious private school that’s barely 10 minutes from our home, and prides itself on advanced academics, small class sizes, individualized instruction, and enriching after-school activities. The two of us just took a tour during a school day, and were extremely impressed by how orderly yet dynamic everything felt, and how actively interested all the kids seemed to be in learning—just like our daughter.
However, we literally did not see a single child who was significantly or noticeably what some might call “overweight”…
Our daughter is one of many such children at her current school, so much so that she has never been singled out for teasing due to her size, and does not even seem aware of it as an issue. We would prefer to keep things this way for as long as possible. We both worry that being seen as “the fat kid” in a school where she’s the only one could impact her self-image and induct her prematurely into diet culture. One of us thinks this risk is acceptable for the sake of getting her a better education, and reversing her current boredom and negativity toward school; the other doesn’t. Who is right and how can we best navigate this choice?
–Facing Weighty Decisions
Dear Facing,
I’ll set aside, for now, my own strongly-held opinion on the question of whether you should ever send your child to private school (no), and try to address the interesting particulars of this question. It is great that you are sensitive to the possibility of your child being singled out for her weight at school, and worried that she might end up too focused on her body size if she does go to this slim, trim private school. I’d counter that nearly every single aspect of American media and culture is devoted to presenting and enforcing a strictly proscribed idea of women’s beauty, and surely your daughter has already encountered these ideas, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do to prevent her from grappling with them her whole life, like basically every woman is forced to.
That’s not to say that you shouldn’t look out for these things, and speak honestly about the power and unfairness of the patriarchy, and raise her to love herself as best you can. This is just to say that no matter what school she’s at, she’s gonna be made to feel bad about fatness. This very specific concern should not be a determining factor in your school decision.
But I do want you to think about how unusual it is, in 2025 America, to encounter a large group of young people, none of whom are overweight. The thinness of this private school is a synecdoche for the totally different world that private schools promise their students, and that’s what I’d like you to think about as you make this decision. Your child’s public school is comprised of an actual cross-section of your community. That’s the power of a public school—it forces everyone in it to buy into the belief that a community that sticks together can serve its children and give them better lives. Now, the downside is that, like many Americans, many of the kids there are pains in the ass who don’t like learning, and many of the parents are too stressed/busy/downtrodden to do much about it. In contrast, a private school is by design an exclusive population of kids and parents, mostly wealthy, who prize achievement and power in ways both constructive and damaging. It’s great that kids there are devoted to learning, but really consider what spending years in that specific elite environment might covertly teach your child about not only her own body but about money, privilege, and kindness.
Your letter suggests you believe that staying in our public school as it remains exactly the same level of mediocre and moving to a private school where everything is better are the only two options. You’ve suddenly become wealthy enough to consider private school. Is there a way that, before jumping ship, you could devote some time and energy toward making your local school less mediocre? Perhaps your life didn’t allow you to volunteer regularly or join the PTA or lobby for better school funding before, but your material circumstances have changed. What if that windfall could allow you to make things better for many children in your community—not just your own?
Dan
