I'm still feeling very dysphoric over my SRS results after 2 months
The more my swelling has gone down, the worse I feel. What I got doesn't look like a vulva to me.
My labia majora seem really messed up and look very unnatural to me. They don't follow the natural contours of my anatomy at all. And my scars are placed in the most visible locations possible, and pull the surrounding skin in an odd-looking way. My labia minora also look really wrong to me. They don't reach the bottom of my vestibule, and they don't close enough to cover my urethral meatus, so my vestibule is all dried out and filled with hard, almost sharp-feeling bits of tissue. And yet they also don't fold open enough to allow for easy cleaning since they're flattened towards the bottom. In combination, both my labia minora and labia majora look much like a single downward hanging flap of skin and have a very flat look. There's a weird bump on my clitoral hood that hurts to touch, and the hood itself seems way too high, like my vulva is facing forwards instead of downwards. Even my clitoris itself seems a bit weird, and the hypersensitivity has quickly faded into largely numbness. Where my vaginal introitus would go is just a half-fused crevice that is too narrow to even clean. Since I had what I thought was going to be a normal vulvoplasty, I didn't expect to have a canal, but I also definitely didn't expect a weird hair-filled crevice. I also have hair growing on my labia minora and in my vestibule. I have ongoing stinging pain and a constant unpleasant odor, with a lot of smegma-like discharge. My urinary stream is at a very forward and maybe even slightly upward angle that leans heavily to the right, so I piss on my legs whenever I use the toilet and often piss right out of the toilet.
There's not really much more to say. The idea of using this thing for sex sickens me. Even touching it feels gross. I feel mutilated and broken. And at this point, I genuinely don't care what anyone else thinks. This is not remotely what I wanted. My dysphoria is actually now much worse than it was before surgery, and it was already so bad that I've attempted suicide multiple times over the years. I waited 16 years to have SRS in part because I was so afraid of it going wrong. This is basically my nightmare scenario. Except after I wake up from the nightmares it's still really happening. I'm just glad I didn't trust Dr. Slama's assessment of my level of hair removal and opt to have vaginoplasty instead, because that would have turned out even worse.
Based solely on my own experience, I'm going to recommend against getting surgery at Boston Medical Center. The post-op care there kind of sucked, especially the food. And the pre-op process was unneccesarily confusing and anxiety-provoking, especially since Dr. Slama didn't even remeet with me before surgery and it seems like the rest of the staff including Dr. Munarriz don't fully understand how his version of SRS works, so I was given information about what to expect that turned out to be false. The exact details of what would be happening to my body were never really clear since even in my prior consultations, Dr. Slama had said that what he does depends on how the tissue folds during the surgery, and BMC's online description of the surgery is very vague. Dr. Slama has also now said that he thinks most of the past 8 years of his work looked really bad, and most of his patients requested revisions, which seems pretty weird since previously I had only heard that BMC had a good reputation for SRS. And his response to any concerns I've brought up since my surgery, other than the urination issue which would be Dr. Munarriz's concern, was basically that I should just accept things being the way they are now and not seek to fix them, which also seems pretty weird, considering the part about most of his past patients having requested revisions. But I guess, as he's stated, he simply doesn't know how to do anything I've asked for.
I'll probably still seek out revision with another surgeon, since I do still want vaginoplasty. But at this point, I'm strongly considering just trying to get nullification surgery instead because then at least the pain and grossness would hopefully stop. That might be better for my dysphoria than trying to rearrange what little tissue I have left and likely ending up still dissastisfied, and it would definitely be easier on my body. Either way, I'll probably be stuck like this for at least a year, so I guess that's what I'll be focused on in therapy from now on.
I'm not looking for any kind of response. Just putting this all out there for the sake of catharsis.
” “when he finally puts on the grey sweatpants” etc etc. years ago when I was still on instagram I remember that artist known as The Game posted selfies of his body, with an emphasis on his underwear with captions like “meat print papi” and there’s a whole little subculture of fawning women crowing about some dude’s boner outline in his britches that inspires genuine thirsting and comedy sketches for social media reels based on that premise.
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