Dear Honorable Mr. Donal Trumpo,
Pwease excusa me for disturbin’ you, most
gweat and luxurious former Pwesident of United States of Americuh. I wite to you today wit humble heawt and big infwation pwoblem.
China no want infwation! Too much price go up — now egg cost like smaww gowden nugget. Peopre no happy! They say “Xi! You fix dis!” but I say “I twy! I twy!”
So I come to you, Mr. Trumpo, mastah of deaw, king of twade waw, man of many gowf swing — pwease teach me da secwet! You make infwation go down wike magic. You tweet one time,
BOOM, market scared, price drop. Amaaaazing!
If you hewp me, I give you BIG gift: one panda, two TikTok shares, and vewy speciaw wifetime suppwy of genewaw Tso’s chicken (not actuaw Chinese food, but we make exception for you).
We no want twade war again! No more tariff pow-pow! Just big peace and maybe one more wittwe Twump Towah in Beijing (vewwy nice, vewwy taww).
Much wuv and wong-time compwiments,
Youah fwend,
Xi Jinping (but you can call me “Xi Xi”) 