Inactive Richard "Lowtax" Kyanka - Deadbeat (emphasis on "Dead") founder of Something Awful, forced out of his own community, on his second divorce, stuck his dick in crazy, "Birth Giver"

[FunPosting101]

I won't pretend Lowtax wasn't an asshole, but I also won't pretend that I don't feel bad for the man. Goodbye, you obnoxious faggot.

 

[CharlesBarkley]

“oh, man! All these women I keep raw dogging and crème piein’ keep having kids?!? And they want money?!? They just don’t want to be my foot fetish slaves and let me bang troons and spend all that money on overpriced cookies?!? Damn this corrupt system and damn you outlaw!!”

 

[The handsome tard]

PS: Avenge me

 

[Sock Tuah]

Seriously, ‘pls honor my memory by ruining the lives of these people I hate’

i would totally honor a family member who wanted their obituary to say something like "In Lieu of flowers, he would simply like you to KEY AMANDA'S FUCKING CAR AND SHIT ALL OVER HER WALLS"

 

[SlipNHonkMach2]

A faggot from beginning to end.

An epitome of all the worst traits of his age group. I knew so many people back in the 2000's internet who looked up to Lowtax and the elite clique structure of SA as an inspiration and ultimately were just as spiteful, vindictive, easily angered, held eternal grudges over the most petty of things and had that quasi-intellectual snarky mindset mixed in with "humor" where people would force chuckles to not be on their bad side. Surprise surprise to find out that some of them have went on to be homeless, alcoholics, drug addicts, trooned out, and/or dated a troon.

without him and his little gay forum who the fuck knows what Internet history would have been like

 

[Disgruntled Pupper]

The whiplash from a pretty standard suicide note to "remember me by RUINING THESE PEOPLE'S LIVES", complete with zany whacky irreverent calling the judge "Stupid Fucking Lazy Ass" sure is something... awful. Richard was a special man, not a good one, but definitely not something you saw everyday.

I shouldn't be, but I'm always suprised when Dadtax pops up because I can't get it out of my head that he died or got a divorce and fled the scene long ago, Lowtax talked about him so little.

I really hope Lowtax left a separate note for his daughter's, but its seriously odd he didn't mention them at all in this note. It boggles my mind that he was so resentful of his own flesh he likely left this world without a single word of love, comfort, or apology to them.

 

[Bioniclelover]

Can I just say too what a boring and mediocre suicide note? "I left food for the dog blah blah the court and women are after me!" fucking boring nigga.

Agreed, if you want to do it, at least put an effort to make your suicide note memorable.

 

[Jace on ice]

3/10 not nearly whacky and zany enough.

 

[Stan]

This is really weird and makes no sense. Psychiatrists don’t take blood pressure to know if it’s high or not. Maybe his dad took him to a psychiatrist and he walked in, pretended he spoke to someone, then told his dad this BS reason his couldn’t see the doctor?

At best if he told a psych he was going to kill himself he knew it was immediate psych hold and didn’t want to do that.

Yeah... he must have been lying to avoid the psych hold he would have certainly got if he'd actually seen the doctor that day.

 

[Mound Dweller]

The fact that Lowtax died as direct result of someone (him? the shrink? either works really) having high blood pressure is the best part of this.
>These WOMEN
Still an eternal victim, did he even have any mangoseen polishers left by the end? I think more than anything the dearth of affection will have been what pushed him over the edge, being so used to asspats for so long must have opiates-on-your-pain-tolerance effects for your mentals.

 

[Jaimas]

i think it's because the FN 5.7 is the subraru WRX STI of guns; you're kind of gay for having it.

Fucker should have gotten a Korth, it has a damage bonus against anyone of a lower tax bracket than you

 

[Rudolf's Friend]

Does he blame Kiwi Farms for his suicide? That’s all I want to know

 

[Cryogonal2]

but I cannot keep fighting
these women and this judicial system.

Stubborn retard bastard refusing to take any blame even before killing himself.

 

[Hectic Heckler]

Lowtax already had one foot in the grave for decades, according to himself. He was too busy smothering and sniffing the other one to die sooner.

 

[JeffreyMaxwell]

I like that it was almost a nice suicide note until he got mad in the PS and then started name calling and chimping out. Then he remembered to be somber and tried to switch back for the final lines.

Kinda wanna hear Geno read it and do his all caps voice for the PS.

 

[Deus Exica]

His suicide note even reads like a Something Awful post.

 

[PhoBingas]

I do find one thing weird though. Dad tax took Rich to see a psychiatrist that day and the doc turned him away for having blood pressure that was very high. Why wasn’t the next step to take Rich to the emergency room? If his blood pressure was that dangerously high?

Other people a couple pages back suggested it was just a bullshit line that Lowtax fed his dad because he was already set in his mind about what he was going to do.

 

[Smegward]

the note actually managed to make me sad until i arrived at the part at which he cursed people from the grave and commanded his own mother to not let people have their peace. that guy is in hell.

 

[Barry Williams]

Pico - Cartoon School Shooter

Well at least it’s on brand. Now I really want to play Madness.

I like how even after Jeffrey took over it’s still running on what I’m guessing is some 2002 BBS. Like what it’s seemingly some Herculean task to archive the decrepit forum and port everyone over to a modern forum?

With all that said I have to of course remember the only “people” who would want to pay for SomethingAwful surely have horrendous mental illnesses and modernizing their shit forum would be mentally akin ransacking their home.

Something Awful's forums run on an absolutely archaic version of Jelsoft's vBulletin software, literally frozen in time from over 2 decades ago. The reason for this is because radium did so much custom code to the software to implement all of SA's dumb shit that it wasn't actually possible to update the forum with Jelsoft's official patches. Doing so would undo or break all the custom stuff. They were hard coded into the software, this was a time before plugins. Also, lots of radium's code is spaghetti shit that barely works, anyone working on updating SA would have to spend a lot of time learning the intricacies of someone else's work and take it from me programmers HATE this shit.

So, rather than play whack-a-mole with the credit card processing gate and the wacky forum display code every time they updated the boards... they just opted to continue building SA on (I think) the 2.1.1 version of vB. (VB has been on version 6 for about a decade now.)

It cannot be overstated just how stupid of an idea this was. There are conversion tools for importing different forums to other softwares, but SA's is SO OLD that importing it to something modern, even the current version of vBulletin, would require a developer to make a tool purpose built just for SA. And, of course, none of the unique mods on the forum would carry over anyways. Literally the best course of action would be to export the user account data, import that into a new board, and then archive the old boards and keep them visible.

 

[Chan the Wizard]

Richard managed to make me laugh
“PS: please simply remember me by doing absolutely everything possible to ruin the careers of Dana Outlaw and Judge
Stupid Fucking Lazy Ass Garrett. Also let Scott know the absolute only service he provided to me was yelling at me,
and yelling at me to pay him more.”

Imagine that being your PS and not “tell my daughters I love them and I’m sorry.”

Overdosing on ambien and box wine would’ve probably been less messy.