[Cold open: Spoony sits in front of a CRT TV, clutching a Highlander katana, eyes bloodshot.]
Spoony (hoarse):
I watched
Highlander III.
I made it to the end.
I deserve compensation. Monetary. Sexual.
Spiritual. Because this... this wasn’t a movie. This was
ass.
[TITLE CARD: “THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE…AND THIS SURE AS SHIT AIN’T IT”]
[Cut to Spoony holding the DVD like it just killed his dog.]
Spoony:
This is
Highlander III: The Sorcerer.
Or
The Final Dimension, if you're in the U.S., because apparently we needed an alternate title to warn people:
"CAUTION: THIS IS JUST THE FIRST MOVIE AGAIN BUT IF CONNOR MACLEOD HAD CTE."
So it’s a
sequel to
Highlander I, right? Because we’re all pretending
Highlander II: The Quickening didn’t happen.
And by pretending, I mean stuffing it in a duffel bag, setting it on fire, and launching it into space.
Spoony:
So here’s the setup: Connor MacLeod, Scottish immortal and walking hair commercial, is back. He
won The Prize. He was
mortal. That was the
whole point of the first movie!
BUT GUESS WHAT, DUMBASS — there were
more immortals!
They were
just hiding in a cave!
In
Japan!
Like a bunch of mystical Pokémon who didn’t get patched in until
Highlander III: Sword & Sorcery Bullshit Edition.
[Cut to Mario Van Peebles as Kane.]
Spoony:
This is our villain.
Kane. He’s from Japan.
He dresses like
Raiden’s alcoholic cousin, and speaks in weird villain haikus that sound like he’s trying to sell you weed behind a 7-Eleven.
And oh yeah — he’s a
sorcerer.
Because that’s what the Highlander mythos needed, right? Magic!
You know, just what the first movie was missing:
fucking Harry Potter bullshit.
He can shape shift. He can clone himself. He can teleport. He can probably suck his own dick in another dimension and you
know that was in the original script. But here's the thing:
HOW DO YOU FIGHT A GUY WHO CAN BE IN FIVE PLACES AT ONCE?!
This is like trying to sword fight a schizophrenic in a Funhouse!
[Smash cut: Connor bangs a new love interest.]
Spoony (sarcastic):
Oh and let’s not forget the
mandatory Highlander Sex Scene.
Because there’s no aphrodisiac like finding out your new boyfriend
can’t die and
decapitates people for a living.
They bone on a bearskin rug, in front of a fire, like a Cialis ad for
murder hobos.
I’ve seen more romantic chemistry between a toaster and a sink.
[Fight scene in a lava dimension plays]
Spoony (screaming):
THE FINAL FIGHT IS IN A MYSTICAL
CGI LAVA WORLD.
WHY.
WHY?!
Did
Mortal Kombat: Annihilation break in through the window and take over the movie?
This is like watching two cosplayers sword-fight inside a colonoscopy. I swear to God, the effects look like they were rendered on a fucking
Game Boy Color.
[Spoony stares at the camera, visibly broken.]
Spoony:
This movie takes everything that made the first Highlander special — the mythology, the weight of immortality, the
tragedy of time — and pisses in its mouth while wearing a fake kimono.
[Spoony slaps his head repeatedly.]
Spoony:
And Lambert? God bless him, but he looks like a drunk ferret in this movie. He spends half the runtime looking like he just took Ambien and wandered onto the set.
Connor MacLeod used to be a tragic warrior-poet. Now he’s just some
half-mummified French guy getting
teleport-punched by a wizard samurai in a Soulcalibur loading screen.
[Final shot: Spoony holds up the DVD, dead-eyed.]
Spoony:
Highlander III is like if someone
rebooted your childhood, put it in a blender with dry ice and piss, and served it to you in a commemorative collector's goblet.
There can be only one?
Yeah.
Only
one reason to watch this movie — and it’s if you want to
hate yourself for 99 minutes straight.
[He snaps the DVD in half. Fade to black.]
