Once I started experimenting with feminine clothes I slowly moved to the other side of the spectrum.
I did the usual path, starting with femboy, went through transfem and then landed on woman, full on she/her pronouns and all.
The femboy part was fully clothes and makeup that made me move.How I got to transfem was when I kept looking at the trans flag and feeling happy to associate myself with it, also wanting estrogen.A
nd woman - my friends started calling me it - or similar words - and I liked it. I even did it myself, calling myself girl, for example... but not woman?
It's the only thing that gives me any doubt in my transition. I know I'm trans, I know I want to be feminine, so I'm definitely past transfem. I prefer she/her. I dont really feel bad if people use anything else, but I dont WANT them too, so I won't say "all pronouns". I'm 150% sure of estrogen, the clothes, the voice, the name...
It's just the word woman that feels so heavy.
I've felt some type of imposter syndrome my entire transition, actually. I don't really feel the same intense dysphoria most trans people feel...if at all. It just seems I prefer femininity. I assume that's why it took me 23 years to even notice.
I wasn't uncomfortable in my masculine body, so it took me really long to realize I prefer the alternative. But I always feel so much fear sharing that with other trans people, specially trans women. It feels like they're going to judge me, not accept me, DOUBT ME. No one did. At least not to my face.(Tho...
as I've went deeper into my transition, I started to not really want to look at the mirror. When I do, accidentally, I don't feel some intense emotions, like I've seen other girls share, but I do feel... annoyed? I dont like it. But I CAN look at myself, no make up, hair all fucked up, naked and just "tank" it. And
I feel so much longing for estrogen. For my long hair. For lip fill and surgeries. God, I want hips and ass and titties so bad. I'm inpatient
. I hate that I can only look feminine with a bunch of effort, makeup, clothes, it's exhausting. I wish I could just look feminine with no effort at all. Or minimum)
And it's not just my physical appearance (that I do want to change). It's my whole personality, my tastes, the way I speak, my jokes... all of them are stereotypically masculine. And those, no way in hell I'm changing. (I want to explore femininity in all it's forms, but
I don't to REPLACE my masculine bullshit) All of that is who I am. And I love that, actually. I love this mix of masculine and feminine features, I love the contrast and breaking stupid gender roles. Gender itself is bullshit.
I know that. But it seems even with knowing that I can't run away from it.
I think the pressure of gender roles is weighing me down? The pressure of what a woman is SUPPOSED to be is making me feel like I'm not worthy? Because not only do I still LOOK like a man, sound like a man, but even after estrogen comes and changes that I will still "act" and "think" like a man?? Jesus, like
cis tomboys don't exist.
I guess, of course, I could still find out I'm just transfem, or even non-binary or something. I suppose only thing I can do is keep living. Try to remove that pressure. And if even after I remove said pressure, the word 'woman' feels wrong... I guess I got my answer? That makes sense, right?