Sean Andalou
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Sep 13, 2024
The cure for masturbation? 
Reddit -- Archive
Key quote 
Reddit -- Archive
Please excuse the rant, it’s very long but I’ve just got a lot to let out, and fair warning this will get a bit explicit. TL;DR - Struggling with high desire and low fulfillment.
I rarely masturbate anymore, at this point I do it less than once every week, or two, or three, even though I really crave it. Last night I finally had a proper session that I’ve been waiting for and putting off for months, listening to a perfectly fitting audio and comfortable on my bed, and it just didn’t work. It rarely works anymore. I was left feeling hollow and broken as always, and just emotionally collapsed.
Touching myself is such an uncomfortable activity for me yet one I really want to enjoy. I wish it could be something spontaneous and fun like I’ve heard so many cis women talk about, but for me it’s necessary to involve careful planning and locked-off positions due to my anatomy and disgust. I’ve been on E for over 15 months and yet I still ejaculate just the same as before, even though many others I’ve heard almost stop it completely. I also have yet to experience the elusive full-body orgasm, for my pleasure is always so muted and it never feels like enough. I try so hard and put in so much effort and most of the time it ends in a crash and crying. Afterwards I’m left feeling gross for the rest of the day.
Coming to terms with my sexuality has been one of the most difficult parts of transition to navigate, because it’s one of those things where no matter what I do, I’ll never have a perfect outcome.
I’ve come to realize I’m a lot more sexual than I’ve always considered myself. I used to figure it’s not something I need, that it’s disgusting or unnecessary, and I still do find aspects of it to be like that, preferring emotional connection, but as I learn more about what I want, I’ve also been forced to look at how badly I do actually need more, and what I can’t have. I get extremely horny now, but never have enough of an outlet.
Simply the feeling of being aroused is now strong enough that often I just let myself soak in the desire rather than act on it, it lets me feel good with less disgust. I now feel this full-body warmth and this frosting feeling in my tummy, but that feeling goes away when I become more aware of my parts or interact with them.
When I do masturbate, it takes a lot of effort to distract myself and forget, and even then it just isn’t enough. Most of my sessions end in ruined orgasms or are just plain unsatisfying, so I just don’t do it much. I need a vulva in order to even feel okay with the action, and especially to be involved with a partner, that much is clear.
I have been working to learn to indulge myself in more “feminine” ways, with what I consume, the atmosphere I create, and the actions i perform. (I still haven’t had the courage to buy a vibrator) Though it is very affirming, it still doesn’t feel any better. It still feels so “male”, my orgasms are still genital-focused and end in ejaculation, I still have a long refractory period, and the feeling of shame and doom that comes over me after I finish. Having a dysphoric breakdown afterwards is becoming more common. I was afraid my HRT hasn’t been doing enough, and I pleaded with multiple physicians to give me more, but they all said this is the best dose for me and it’s all I need, so now a worse fear has emerged that the issue can’t be fixed with hormones, that I’m stuck.
One of the troubles is that everybody’s body works in different ways, so much of it is just luck of the draw. some are able to experience overpowering and consistent ecstacy, some are almost completely anorgasmic. Some have no desire and are able to be happy without, some are constantly needy. I’ve been stuck with an unlucky combo: I have a lot of desire, but not nearly enough capability for pleasure to fulfill that desire, and it’s lead to a lot of frustration.
There are physical differences that are simply insurmountable barriers. A clitoris has far more nerve endings and is far more sensitive than it’s possible for me to be, especially given that I was circumcised at birth, without necessity or consent, which removed a significant number of nerve endings and removed a protective layer, reducing sensitivity even further. It was also the most valuable piece of material for reconstruction during bottom surgery, which really limits my potential results.
Bottom surgery is not something I’m looking forward to. I wish, I wish I wouldn’t have to go through it, but it is necessary for me, I’ve become sure of that. Even without sex, bottom dysphoria is still a constant struggle for me, at this point I’m pretty much constantly aware of it, how uncomfortable it is, worrying about what other people see. It makes standing, sitting, moving around, existing, a constant battle. I need to be rid of it, this disgusting, almost cancerous growth.
I’m still unsure which direction to go with it. I always figured just vulvoplasty would be enough, that I don’t need much more, as long as I have no bulge I’m happy. “I’m lucky I’m a lesbian,” I thought, “I don’t need penetration.” But recently I’ve taken a step back and examined and explored more of what I really want, and had to admit that I really do wanna be fingered, to have a woman inside me. And so now I have to make a choice, because vaginoplasty is far more intense, risky, requires much more grueling recovery, and will require me to dialate painfully every day for years. I feel shallow depth may offer a good enough compromise but I’ll have to look further.
But of course, I’m unendingly squeamish about even a cut on my toe, even researching surgery makes my bones ache, I don’t know how I’m even going to manage to survive it. And of course it’s an extremely complex and risky procedure, with almost an entire year of recovery required, plus at least one revision surgery after that. There’s also risk of strong nerve damage, of complications, of disfigurement, I there’s a small but real chance I could permanently lose what little pleasure sensitivity I have now. It’s going to be absolute hell, but I can only live with this for so long. Either way I imagine it’s not something I’m gonna have access to for many years. I really feel I should probably start making an effort to move towards that, though, I just have no idea where to begin.
And even at the end of all that, I still will never have anything close to what I could’ve, had I just been born a cis girl. I’m likely never gonna be able to feel as much pleasure as wish, and it’s never gonna look or feel or function quite right.
All of this is just so much I really wish I didn’t have to deal with. Years of mental and physical pain and exhaustion just to barely approach what I could have had if one damn chromosome had only remembered to grow a tail while I was forming. I don’t need any of this complication, please just leave me alone. I wish I could just… BE. Let me have a body I can feel good in, that I can share with somebody else, that’s the bare minimum. On top of EVERYTHING ELSE, it’s just too much. I’m not a strong enough person.
I still have been struggling so much to figure out how my romantic attraction works, sexual desire is just a mess for me. But i do believe all of it would definitely be so much easier if I weren’t trans. The existential disgust I feel with myself and my body is such a huge barrier, making me feel gross for even wanting this.
Like with my height and bone structure and voice, it’s so hard to let go of things that I can’t change, at least yet, and to stop wanting something so badly. I feel so broken, I just don’t know how to function as a human being anymore. I don’t think I ever have.
I rarely masturbate anymore, at this point I do it less than once every week, or two, or three, even though I really crave it. Last night I finally had a proper session that I’ve been waiting for and putting off for months, listening to a perfectly fitting audio and comfortable on my bed, and it just didn’t work. It rarely works anymore. I was left feeling hollow and broken as always, and just emotionally collapsed.
Touching myself is such an uncomfortable activity for me yet one I really want to enjoy. I wish it could be something spontaneous and fun like I’ve heard so many cis women talk about, but for me it’s necessary to involve careful planning and locked-off positions due to my anatomy and disgust. I’ve been on E for over 15 months and yet I still ejaculate just the same as before, even though many others I’ve heard almost stop it completely. I also have yet to experience the elusive full-body orgasm, for my pleasure is always so muted and it never feels like enough. I try so hard and put in so much effort and most of the time it ends in a crash and crying. Afterwards I’m left feeling gross for the rest of the day.
Coming to terms with my sexuality has been one of the most difficult parts of transition to navigate, because it’s one of those things where no matter what I do, I’ll never have a perfect outcome.
I’ve come to realize I’m a lot more sexual than I’ve always considered myself. I used to figure it’s not something I need, that it’s disgusting or unnecessary, and I still do find aspects of it to be like that, preferring emotional connection, but as I learn more about what I want, I’ve also been forced to look at how badly I do actually need more, and what I can’t have. I get extremely horny now, but never have enough of an outlet.
Simply the feeling of being aroused is now strong enough that often I just let myself soak in the desire rather than act on it, it lets me feel good with less disgust. I now feel this full-body warmth and this frosting feeling in my tummy, but that feeling goes away when I become more aware of my parts or interact with them.
When I do masturbate, it takes a lot of effort to distract myself and forget, and even then it just isn’t enough. Most of my sessions end in ruined orgasms or are just plain unsatisfying, so I just don’t do it much. I need a vulva in order to even feel okay with the action, and especially to be involved with a partner, that much is clear.
I have been working to learn to indulge myself in more “feminine” ways, with what I consume, the atmosphere I create, and the actions i perform. (I still haven’t had the courage to buy a vibrator) Though it is very affirming, it still doesn’t feel any better. It still feels so “male”, my orgasms are still genital-focused and end in ejaculation, I still have a long refractory period, and the feeling of shame and doom that comes over me after I finish. Having a dysphoric breakdown afterwards is becoming more common. I was afraid my HRT hasn’t been doing enough, and I pleaded with multiple physicians to give me more, but they all said this is the best dose for me and it’s all I need, so now a worse fear has emerged that the issue can’t be fixed with hormones, that I’m stuck.
One of the troubles is that everybody’s body works in different ways, so much of it is just luck of the draw. some are able to experience overpowering and consistent ecstacy, some are almost completely anorgasmic. Some have no desire and are able to be happy without, some are constantly needy. I’ve been stuck with an unlucky combo: I have a lot of desire, but not nearly enough capability for pleasure to fulfill that desire, and it’s lead to a lot of frustration.
There are physical differences that are simply insurmountable barriers. A clitoris has far more nerve endings and is far more sensitive than it’s possible for me to be, especially given that I was circumcised at birth, without necessity or consent, which removed a significant number of nerve endings and removed a protective layer, reducing sensitivity even further. It was also the most valuable piece of material for reconstruction during bottom surgery, which really limits my potential results.
Bottom surgery is not something I’m looking forward to. I wish, I wish I wouldn’t have to go through it, but it is necessary for me, I’ve become sure of that. Even without sex, bottom dysphoria is still a constant struggle for me, at this point I’m pretty much constantly aware of it, how uncomfortable it is, worrying about what other people see. It makes standing, sitting, moving around, existing, a constant battle. I need to be rid of it, this disgusting, almost cancerous growth.
I’m still unsure which direction to go with it. I always figured just vulvoplasty would be enough, that I don’t need much more, as long as I have no bulge I’m happy. “I’m lucky I’m a lesbian,” I thought, “I don’t need penetration.” But recently I’ve taken a step back and examined and explored more of what I really want, and had to admit that I really do wanna be fingered, to have a woman inside me. And so now I have to make a choice, because vaginoplasty is far more intense, risky, requires much more grueling recovery, and will require me to dialate painfully every day for years. I feel shallow depth may offer a good enough compromise but I’ll have to look further.
But of course, I’m unendingly squeamish about even a cut on my toe, even researching surgery makes my bones ache, I don’t know how I’m even going to manage to survive it. And of course it’s an extremely complex and risky procedure, with almost an entire year of recovery required, plus at least one revision surgery after that. There’s also risk of strong nerve damage, of complications, of disfigurement, I there’s a small but real chance I could permanently lose what little pleasure sensitivity I have now. It’s going to be absolute hell, but I can only live with this for so long. Either way I imagine it’s not something I’m gonna have access to for many years. I really feel I should probably start making an effort to move towards that, though, I just have no idea where to begin.
And even at the end of all that, I still will never have anything close to what I could’ve, had I just been born a cis girl. I’m likely never gonna be able to feel as much pleasure as wish, and it’s never gonna look or feel or function quite right.
All of this is just so much I really wish I didn’t have to deal with. Years of mental and physical pain and exhaustion just to barely approach what I could have had if one damn chromosome had only remembered to grow a tail while I was forming. I don’t need any of this complication, please just leave me alone. I wish I could just… BE. Let me have a body I can feel good in, that I can share with somebody else, that’s the bare minimum. On top of EVERYTHING ELSE, it’s just too much. I’m not a strong enough person.
I still have been struggling so much to figure out how my romantic attraction works, sexual desire is just a mess for me. But i do believe all of it would definitely be so much easier if I weren’t trans. The existential disgust I feel with myself and my body is such a huge barrier, making me feel gross for even wanting this.
Like with my height and bone structure and voice, it’s so hard to let go of things that I can’t change, at least yet, and to stop wanting something so badly. I feel so broken, I just don’t know how to function as a human being anymore. I don’t think I ever have.
One commenter suggests anal play.
