Page 1
I have had thoughts of mass murder for a long time. I am very conflicted with writing this journal. I need to get my thoughts out without putting on a watchful hat. This journal was not going to be organized or easy to read. It will be a brain dump of thoughts.
I have been entranced by the example of mass shooters. I have known about these events for decades. Even at the time, being morbidly obsessed, I’ve always really let myself go down the rabbit hole into every mass shooting video I can find.
My interest was specifically in school shootings. It started, I think, in seventh grade. I remember one day I was talking with Valerie. She was my crush and I was with her at dinner kind of. I asked them, if there was a school shooting, where would you hide? I don’t remember how they answered, but it seemed to stick. Then, later, there was a school shooting, where would you hide? I don’t remember how they answered, but it seemed to scar them. Then later, they were off to me but later toward adults.
Pages 2 and 3
I could have been big trouble for this but no, I wasn’t. Basically, I promised myself I wouldn’t mind anything. I got disciplined for a week I think.
This thought never went away but would be suppressed. I remember every school I went to, I had some fantasy at some point of some type of shooting at my school.
Even every job I’ve had has been connected to it. I remember even talking to a therapist. They basically made sure I was not a target.
They locked me in a meeting room once. I was at school for this chick, LMAO. I thought that made me stop, but my thoughts just then solidified some feelings of hatred and malice in my head.
I thought that committing a mass shooting was not as rare a thing to do. I kept rationalizing it to something like that.
But God, f***ing damn, it feels so good to visualize. In the past, I had so many reasons why I couldn’t do it. I can’t do it, my family, I love them and that type of thing.
I simply can’t do that to them. I simply can’t do it.
(Heading: Упаду! — "I’ll fall!" / "I’ll collapse!")
Another huge reason, obviously, is my significant girlfriend. I just did my first deployment with [military/guard unit?].
It went fine. People finally respect me, LMAO. Most people are so astonished I would be f***ing ROTC! XD
Also, I don’t really think my name sounds like a school shooter name, LOL. Robin Westman sounds normal, not famous or crazy shooter LOL.
I am not one of those freaks, you know? For the most part, that reality, plus I think Hollywood not portraying this the way society really should, won’t completely freak out.
I just want a place to put my thoughts. I can’t talk to a therapist or psychiatrist because I would be immediately red-flagged and put on a list.
BALANZA! Still, like, I might already be on some kind of list, but that is my consumption of mass murder and violent content.
I recently watched the film Elephant. Classic. My heart was exploding with emotion. I basically skipped the whole movie and just watched the massacre scenes.
I don’t want to hide my internet activity from [anyone].
Pages 4 and 5
I know, I think it would probably result in an onslaught and society would be better off somehow. Same with future history.
But I don’t think that’s the right line of law enforcement to step in. Sorry, there would be a lot of mistakes if they tried to predict things like this and stop it.
I think writing in this journal is stupid. I am writing in scribbles, also in English and phonetic. I also sprinkle in some Russian words, I think. Terrible grammar, but still.
I have been learning Russian for many years but never really learned. I just kind of like it. I just think it makes me seem like a cuckoo, very inconsistent, but seems to work for me, lol.
I have been seeking out gore and access to the internet has been fascinating with firearms and violence. I was little. I consider myself a pretty non-judgmental person, not afraid of firearms, lol.
I definitely have a big ego and a bit of a superiority complex. I think part of that was just always flying in my head.
Fear of social complications. I have been smoking and vaping.
Observing this and the consequences seems to be making things less stressful. I am truly afraid of cancer and dying pathetically.
I think my major problem has always been my issue with self-control.
It seems to have all solidified within me. Thoughts of planning an attack.
Then I assemble a school shooter cosplay.
I had a ten-dollar airsoft gun and gear. I put together a whole loadout including mini mags and gear. I even bought a pump-action shotgun and two pistols, as well as a Ruger rifle.
I was really thinking about putting together a uniform for myself.
That together, erring for a moment but left too long.
I felt deceitful, false. I could fully create the gravity of my outfit and I made out a shooting in my apartment including a police shootout and subsequent suicide.
It was really fun and I loved how it looked. I didn’t want to give it up.
I had never really done that before—creating a loadout specifically for shooting up a school. Around the time I was in seventh grade, I imagined shootings with me.
Pages 6 and 7
Nerf guns, but never across the part. Today was a more serious feeling than I expected.
I felt a bit of guilt but minimally enjoyed it when I went to look in the mirror. I really intentionally covered my face, so I put on a school mask. I liked that look but still intentionally kept covering my face with a disguise and forehead.
I put on a baseball cap in a direct callback to Nikolas Cruz. I even found this weird — I hated seeing my face.
I’ve always been creating shooting scenarios in my mind.
These scenarios included schools, universities, malls, stores.
I have tons of realism molds and started to enact these events.
Mainly performed but also to see if I could. Maybe. Could this be pointless? Nope. I love it, and blood more so.
I read about the NPS behavioral and criminology and fascination with scars.
I don’t want to do this, but I feel a deep calling to create devastation and death.
I don’t think I will do it… but I can’t be certain.
There are definitely shootings that think of more classic in my head than others.
Some stand out more than others due to the killer’s count, devastation, or just plain bad performance of shooters.
I wanted to see why any events had happened on my birthday, June 17th. I was so disappointed that wasn’t the case.
Loser Brian Clyde tried to shoot up a courthouse. Idiot. Bro wasn’t talking that sh*t and dressed tactically and got absolutely roasted by a security guard with a pistol.
Bro killed no one, barely grazed a guard’s vest, didn’t make it in the building.
He ran away and bled out in the parking lot while police circled. How pitiful, what a disgrace.
I am embarrassed to say that could be me.
That would be the shooting that happened on my birthday.
I think his biggest mistake was attacking a courthouse. He also advertised his attack for days, basically starting across the street.
Talk about surprise? Bro wasn’t low-key. Bro wasn’t after what I want to do.
Pages 8 and 9
I have a deep fascination with one man in particular: Adam Lanza.
What a f***ing freak, haha. Sandy Hook was my first, I think, exposure to school shootings.
I can remember vividly when I heard about it. I remember sitting by the computer, logging on.
I think, fourth grade.
We were just simply doing work on our computers when I got a notification popup on screen: ‘Shooting, 20 children and six adults shot and killed at Sandy Hook Elementary’.
The notification was in a totally mundane context.
I remember not really knowing what that meant.
I don’t remember my classmates or teachers’ reactions, but I know that image of that little notification popping up has always stuck with me.
For some reason, I can’t get it out of my head.
It’s such a… perfect… event.
I love thinking about what it was like to be in there on that day.
What it’s like to be Adam, the kids in rooms, the staff and teachers, and anyone else there that day.
An event from the shooting which has stuck with me was a survivor’s account — recalling hearing a little boy scream, ‘Help! Help!’
I don’t want to be a hero like Adam replying, ‘Well, you’re here.’ And multiple shots were heard.
Hmm… that Roskill [possibly 'Rossen' or 'Roswell'?] shooting is hilarious, LMAO.
I don’t think I need to say it. No, I won’t take any chances. I’m afraid for my job.
I don’t know what would happen if someone read this, then won’t care that my ‘disguise’ is.
And if I do do something, authorities would probably stop at nothing to read this.
So f*** you guys, I just hope I can rip this down the road.
Anyway, I f***ing love the idea of being that scary, horrible monster.
Standing over those powerless kids, screaming for help, me with a blunt, hard, uncaring attitude.
I could be a slap from reality. To have your cries for help mocked, and then that silence.
Horror as you feel Adam ripping through you.
I just picture it all. None of me bearing for their lives.
I would not bend to your cries. I would revel in them, before shooting you up. XD
Pages 10 and 11
I like the shooters who knew what they’re doing. Shooters that plan for violence and mass death.
Adam Lanza, Nikolas Cruz, Eric and Dylan, Vladislav Roslyakov, Anders Breivik, etc.
I really think their status feels elevated to follow that type path. Maybe to obtain, oh my God, actual kill count.
I want that film look, splash, massive, Michael Strom [Storm?].
Vegas was big liar and sock off.
I want his fakeness as personality. The kind of person who will always try to outdo your story or some f***ing exaggerated story.
I want him as a liar.
If I shot up my workplace, I wouldn’t even want to see Logan Coyer with fire.
I would shoot him on sight, simply for kill shot. No chance for him to even react.
Given my luck he would be the motherf***er to rush me and save the day.
That’s when my biggest fear is getting tackled and arrested.
Especially before I am able to inflict a lot of damage and deaths.
I want to aim in the attack.
I have always been suicidal, at least since adolescence.
I never survive.
I find it a good explanation.
I have a loving family and a good support system of people that want to see me thrive.
For some reason, the fact that I have a pretty good life, and the fact that I know kind people, has never correlated to me.
I seem to not really care about my life, only caring about my fantasies and potential.
I am only not taking action because I don’t want to bring that pain on them.
I feel horribly picturing their reactions.
I could give a f*** about them.
I hate being used as a poster child, I would think ‘Play out like Adam and live his material.’
Lord knows we need less of that f***ing idiot.
I have tried and failed to not be racist.
I can’t help it.
I have trauma and ideas, like an open mind, a person but taming time again I am forced to realize the stereotypes are all true!
For real. The stereotypes are all true!
I am sitting next to this family of gross-ass Mexicans.
They are loud, obnoxious, and inconsiderate.
Loud bastards.
Pages 12 and 13
Training to stop this livid disturbing fact has no gas and his domestic mind is too defining and encouraging.
Hmm. The Mexicans speak or not really known for their intelligence. They are fools.
I will admit that, but God I hate being around them and their culture.
Armenian people I hate interacting with, some that can hardly speak English, but think they are f***ing retarded (most prolly are, lol).
I also hate Arabs and Indians, just families, men ridiculous.
N***** can be alright, most of them too, but white thugs? Loud, self-entitled.
When was Kansas?
The n*****s I truly admire killers like Dylann Roof, Brenton Tarrant, and Patrick Crusius.
I feel disappointed and pity toward killers like Ethan Crumbley, who planned for something much bigger but couldn’t want to.
Damn, f***, but I have read all these events and stories have only fueled a fire in me to do it.
Right to take my time and plan for every outcome.
I often don’t find myself aspiring to these killers specifically, ideally yes.
I think Nikolas Cruz and Patrick Crusius are mega. Nice.
White people should rule the world and minorities shouldn’t exist.
I don’t know.
I think they should have rights and opportunities, I don’t hate them. Don’t get me started on socialists.
F*** communists.
Cruz said society criminally victimized him, total irritability.
I seem to find myself thinking almost all mass shootings, but in particular school shootings or places like malls and theaters.
If I do love James Holmes, his theater attack was the sob of reasons.
I always wish he kept going and didn’t give up.
I’m glad he lived to get insight into his mind.
I am so sad his apartment bombs didn’t blow up.
Same with Eric and Dylan’s bombs, would have been amazing.
The magnitude of destruction would be.
I don’t think I have ever heard of an attack or some kind of second-stage working.
They either don’t properly set the sh*t up, or cops are able to disarm the threat before it works.
So sad! Why???
Or maybe they wanted more but had to aim like Randy Stair.
Pages 14 and 15
I don’t even know if I do this because I am serious, or if I just want to know myself. Since I found out that I am not in the world I live in, I hate the whole system of corruption that seems to exist no matter what they offer. And my morals as both the cause of it don’t help either. Every time I think the steps will take me somewhere to present the traditions of a job, for progress and external magic, I feel limited.
For thinking criminals, follow rules? Ha! It makes me want to just go to the things they “outlaw” and show them how easy it is to bypass this stupid backward rule that only hurts legit gun owners. Anyway, it seems I don’t just want to kill people to add my foul [soul?] memory… Now I’m in the past, wishing I could join with someone’s body for a day. Combat. A horrible massacre, then return to my body and tell my memories. I would love to have that experience without killing today or having that horror and complication on myself or my family. I get that’s what I enjoy re-creating in…
…mass shootings in video games. God, I hate this. Really. Shit. It prohibits me from being as fluent in my posts as I should be. To be, I also wish I could do this in a computer so I could edit and move things around. But I can’t take zero chances.
I am living as sad as myself. My chance to be a student seems shorter now that I am an adult. It will be so much harder to get back to school and carry out an idea. I don’t know if that is my proper target. I think the idea of children being shot, I don’t feel as much excitement when I hear about shootings at theaters or malls. I love thinking about being a student, stepping past unsuspecting classmates, then revealing the monster I am.
And yet I think I would have to interrupt into a school with ruins, the element of surprise is nil. The options are zero. Then my mind forms. I remember being in high school when the cafeteria was full of the crowd of students waiting in line for…
Pages 16 and 17
Lunch. Shooting in classroom or hallway. Would be nothing compared to this crowd. Even a football stadium cannot rival this. I imagine this crowd is like Israel trip to see Honda pilot, like together with the sardines. When I have been in a pit at a big concert, that’s exactly what this is like. That’s what to look at. Shoot into crowd, element of surprise. Unload into the crowd as fast as possible, continue overhead, keep shooting as long as I can. Then continue to pick off survivors as they flee.
The risk is cafeteria lunch, that is getting rushed. But would have to adjust precise timing to pull off. When the arrows and lasers pack crowd, with a sudden entrance that gives no quick easy escape to unload into the crowd, another big amp theater with screaming little children. Bibles would spill open with crimson red flowing like a wave.
I must plan accordingly for this. I must have a backup weapon, a surprise reliable gun, or preferably both.
The regards to my motivation: blitzkrieg style attack. I can’t recall but my finger on a specific purpose. But definitely I want one for racism or anti-Semitism. Most groups seem to always get clowned and vilified. I don’t plan like Hitler, dropping pillbox of color. I don’t give info or insight about them. So, take my plans for them. If I did carry out some racialized motivated attack, it would most likely be against Filipinos, Zionists, Jews. I hate those entitled pain-singing clowns. From Palestinians, I think my army would be to shoot up a mini “grad school” like design, but that is probably unrealistic due to security awareness in 2023. I don’t want to fight to spread a message. I do this to plan my escape.
I do this because I am sick. I am twisted. I want children to scream for help. I want media frenzy for them to analyze. I want men to think they can stop me, until for me to stop them dead in their tracks.
Pages 18 and 19
Due to the weight of material, I am going to have an obvious destiny. The attention the online analysts look for will magnify my actions, but I’m not doing it for them. I am doing it as a lasting factor on my target with maybe some control. I think it is horrible that this exists, and yet I do think it will harbor into my brain and carry out the task. I smile as I would imagine myself on TV, a stable PR image. Walking into the airport with criminals thinking, “Do not go to follow rules.”
I resent hard rumor that James Holmes, the Aurora theater shooter, made his reasoning obvious with origin story. I would probably do the same to shift on my fame, maybe invent a meaning. I get the opposite like prisons and ignorance, I guess. But for most places with online streams too, good fortune is gone. Holmes wanted to make sure his victims would remember his name. That’s what I imagine. Others like suicide so much, at least for me, I am focused. My mind takes longer, I presume. I am like the silence…
…of solitary defendants. Kid, I might as well as been one of a lineup of shooters on a timeline of killers, one of Augusts. To be this, not as my own fun but as work that is going on, and can take appropriate action.
I love sanity, sick: being this war-like first responder would admit. Know-how going on. I am just new then. Who knows? I would think now, pick. I would shoot up a Jewish synagogue. Filipinos and Mexicans might pass too. Possibly a concert. Big problem is best bet for mass murder survivors.
Stephen Paddock had the right idea for the harvest shooting in the U.S. Unfortunately, my war so far has not established shootings at that level, but would count same harvest of human screams.
I don’t even care about people that I do, I was fake of one. Or is it appropriate role? I know I want to make horror in the halls. I want to see a look of fear on every victim’s face. I want to tone down, this time planning right in mind. I want to beat to a god that won’t listen.
Pages 20 and 21
Yesterday learning I admit that with me imagining shooting soldiers reminds you how I want for them to shout, “lock on the whiteboard bin who’ve held victims.” Hilarious. It’s the little things like that that get my interest and reinforce shootings. The words and actions shooters take, and the survivors’ reactions. “Don’t run!” “Screaming is pointless!”
I really don’t think I imagine any different at this time. I simply have to move to live for it. Not necessarily for mission but for dream. I am proud as most don’t think I can. Hazard past shame especially my father’s shame. I love aiming and could bear to have him hear that honor. I feel like my most must have sin sit with coming due to my rookie past. Violent targets. The power flowing. That said, I could only bear energy forward if I place trust into only no know.
Finally my sin being forgiven if I’m screaming for help, this is not a dance.
When fantasizing about my attack, I eventually imagine the thinking about my layout. I think the best plan is to follow Holmes in Las Vegas. Attack fast, assault rifles, pump shotguns, and move into pulsating. I am close as Adam Lanza left his same in the terror. I seem without existence and only have a plan of both long carnage and not being known.
Auto-rifle should do just as I need. I think about buildings: entrances in mall or apartment to mow down stairs, start as if to strengthen. Rifle to his rifle, knowing the layout of the theater would give more spread out. I want to take it in spiral halls, group panic in the cafeteria.
I said “panic shooter.” Nothing was better for me than a crowd. Like that, there is aroma. So when assault rifles (S.K.S. and AR-15) and handguns are forgotten, most school points do more for mass devastation. I won’t have any one lone shooter stigma. Lone wolf best bet is too obvious. Aroma must be fastest. Possibly big to meet James. Aroma with imagination, climbing as same as a fantasy bin.
Pages 22 and 23
Times like this, when I have had no real experience, I only interpret photography. I feel like I could clear like James before trial. A face looking back with terror for one final time. I could strip it, discovered in bolts of India, or Russian and plaster should probably be. It makes it no hard story. It makes it shocking and collects mass horror. Shooting would be just irony. I would get to adjust one so I could shoot off and on screens of what it was in the film.
I have only shot 12-gauge handguns, and things that toy, not full stock. I think I will need to find a good starting slot so I want to use my new weapons. Firing on crowd, finding an ambush slot, taste close indoor darkness but for indoor to not get ruined by an airplane or tramway. This most obvious plan is when I would raid. I would be able to come out of one hallway (maybe cafeteria) into multiple empty rooms, continuing piloting against bodies. Maybe over bodies.
Over blood, hard against themselves or dead.
The point it should be obvious is for God I said count. Now I should have a shot but only window to have the moment of strolling around students, anyone I want. I don’t think I will miss much bombs. To civilians, conscious, and it is not personal.
I want to look at the people when I slaughter them. I think pistol is planned to land and appear as civilian bringing extra pistols. I want no problem 2. Won on my own is extra mass, for back on and then I won for impressions. I think I would want the moment to somehow to be on my chest, pointed right on my chin.
If I do get taken, I will! To be able to know why my men’s capture was not an option! Wait. No regret is the best for it. Job got to be real for anticipation. I think to raid James is the best example of standard, if I can, aiming for one final hit in 2 seconds of entrance before I can aim into one field hit in crowd as dying. That is my own. Disassemble this as ridiculous. Gain arrival before and aim more around, and then explosive or anything.
Pages 24 and 25
I would probably test out Molotov cocktails, even then they are sketchy. I could also utilize them on own bomb. Not really too keen anymore on pipe bombs. Explosives just don’t feel as fitting. I think it was Jonathan Sapirman who put a butane canister into his oven and turned it on, then went back upstairs. Pretty similar to work with, and I think it was just work.
Kan! I would not have handled this to get time gas canisters spread like James Holmes’ attack. Knocking America, probably nothing to chance. Last night I was laughing at Phil Gonz online. I was watching him do Jordordan Peterson (comedian) bit about incentivizing concerts for guns. Haha. An extra 2 liter of thousand for fire and ammo and it could think that’s very attainable given thousands add for the fact that I would want lots of practical and familiarity of my guns. Next at concert, at invasion. Into a fact concert at some library freak house. I would probably want that to go, but I have to do something else with it then.
Grant a sad-sack. I also figured a plastic tank would be to prolong panic to have small fantasy of security victims. This plastic ammo container fits my small to big ammo carry target, but will be left on to think about how the crowd would panic, erupt pizza, laughing shooter. That test also would be for knowing non-gun spilling from a monster. Ammo can to test how animals ran in my thinking.
Bro… I just learn that job with Jared Loughner shooter dude, thinking very similar to my point. I laugh. Jared shot into many blank heads and then his shooting was not as important. Also, Lanza to movie element and dynamic also skilled over it. Many parts over many to shoot it younger since. That scares and am just hard past haha.
Pages 26 and 27
Fuck you. I admit today my animosity. I don’t know for me. I don’t know if I live one more day. I sit on my floor I write this, my skin I deliberately have cancer of something. Fuck. I feel “so what” in my lungs. I hate how I think my lungs are gone. I hate that. I imagine smoking in my own home. Already coughing, hope for more work. I scream and know work. I pull into my paranoid plot. I can’t stand a film around them. I hate living magic this.
I went to the Adam concert and I did think about killing all those fags. Wait I both in office. It just feels disgusting being in those spaces. Everything is gross, sickening and perverse. I can’t do it too. Nothing really target. I can’t commit an attack blind. I can’t really formalize my thoughts. It would destroy them. Killing movies and dividing into screens and my family into pity instead of hatred. I don’t think I would just take myself out. I would nail to it sometimes, my animosity. Either for good or for worse, for more would be…
Targets so as children of innocent civilians, but why? Why ruin me most? Am I stupid? Two, am I same of my family? For God I would be a target of politicians or societal symbolisms. Targets like mosques, Trump, or some synagogue. Either from Exxon or Nestle or something. This just still brings hatred and connections to my family. But I think in this short term, this and many others may view my actions as horrific and necessary for the better progression of society.
Am I good person? Am I bad person? Am I neutral? No, not, nothing. I want a better society. I want fascism. I hate inequality. I also love and kind. That’s what. I love to end things right. I am sorry for kills had to be the subject of my planting. I am not for them, and maybe I am.
Yak. I would be pissed and horrified how my brain was kind of near shot into an attack. That doesn’t simply want how I feel about committing new morals. I’m not going to be. I don’t have within me to end my family, for I am afraid.
Pages 28 and 29
Keeping on experiences. My small feels faster than I want. I want to ask for help. Help. Help me. I want fucking vamp this. I throw my hands away. Robot shivers. I smoke because of stress my out. I am sick. Help. I am going to die. Do I live? Do I? Fuck no. Fuck them kids, shooting to the crowd. Walk your hear, civil rights swag.
I would not murder even one though only because I don’t think them. I would only kill them if I was certain I planned and then work it right places and times. I can’t stand them. Everything that comes out of their mouth is excuses. I am so uncomfortable around them. Derp, retard attention. I miss my lost blue blood. Fuck me. I am tired of my happiness being arrogant and I am sick of waiting around for them. They drag my down and hurt.
I don’t know why I look forward to. I aim to be best against my animosity over what. I am going to Adam. I would enter and martyr. At least. That’s what I want to say to people so I am at least somewhat reliable to my family and shit. I really want to be Russian.
I want death — 6-22-25 knowing a partner, being Eric and Dylan would be most helpful. But if not? Risk into an anniversary this year and why to roll? Haha. That point about uncoordinated job, but would be with my family in prison. I decide not to however, being alive, simply too stupid and animalistic to commit into crime out my brain. I was. I sit foot. Foot better half and harm that them are over my end when I aim.
I have no plans, only desires, that all I hope my family can learn from this. If event of my death, please excuse my loss of soul!!! Oooooo.
I am in plus relations. I am a deserter but no plans, only intentions and designs tall.
Pages 30 and 31
I don’t know if I will be chill and not to act. I think, depends on how and if I am one. Investigation has begin. I am for sure at least somewhat on their radar. I don’t know how I might be. I feel I would still be able to ban a gun from my local pawn shop.
This people don’t know how close I am to my breaking point. Wait. Across this city as soon as I think down to a path, I feel more energized to kill. I have received numerous jokes today that has been at my expense. Names was “Joker.” I came across as more insane, “Joker” to being serious on me. Bro, no problem, should kill talking shit and I will make no dreams.
Am I asking for help? I have, afraid of my inability to be functional, nothing crazy, but with a deep something that would still be obvious. I am handicap.
I don’t think I am asking to get caught. I think I am more training to see how lies a bit.
Like Miranda, there are people who are following and help with as cover. I think that is a good excuse for talking about shootings and actions without claiming pupil. I hold I haven’t said anything too scary. I think, hide it, I think some TCC community. I would not plan it. I think I might cringe so hard. I could not want to do an attack lol. I feel I bring across one TCC forums as I do and harbor. Am I laying out evidence? I think it is mostly flirting.
Orlando’s program has analogies — this events for shock value and also morals and curiosity. When presenting a opportunity or view, then thinking or fantasizing actually doing something. This would back out and coward away. Then don’t want to be photos. Lol. Still just thinking. Talking together in community and alienated my form. I don’t think too openly, pray shooters (die) even as other freaks.
Pages 32 and 33
I am losing it. I want to do it but feel I am losing my control. I am going to a pawn shop to look at guns today. I know I should not, but I have nothing holding me back. I don’t want to go to this wedding. I don’t know how to dress. I am so stressed at crippling with appearance. I want to rush my plan.
I don’t even want to carry out an attack but I am so ready to do it and at this time will only wait. I am too lost, kill someone but I am so out of hate and I drop bit. I want to bring out trap. Don’t want me. I am going to look at guns today.
I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to do Adam. I don’t think this world is alive. I am sick of them. I am sick of them waving their asses with my face. They need to get far away from my world this still can. I am not poised to killing. Then I am only wait out. I am scared I am going to die. I must not be.
Bit is shocking, viz to get a not wholly shit. I had a wonderful time at the pawn shop. I was nervous to pretend to be a normal gun-buyer. I made a quick story about going for a long range and wanting a gun for home defense. This person’s smile to believe me and was super helpful and even gave me recommendations on guns. Told me about the handguns, Glock 40 but sounded really cool. I think that is it. I should go. Very controllable and still devastating.
I almost 100% would be a panic. I really like Tennessee. Skiz. I kid but have jams. I am thinking though that I should go to a point. Johnson City to Knoxville I think to smash up the entrances. Everyone says it is a perfect shooting. Nashville or Knoxville. Short barrel super rifle, and barrel. Any recoil amazing.
Box shot on a dense crowd would be so much better than an assault.
Pages 34 and 35
Dead into the crowd. Semi-auto shotgun as best and as much as I can take. For the rental to pick a target as the front row kids aiming hallway or running up into the gun at one own. Laughter!
I wonder how this is my parents will occur. I surely will be devastated. I would be the end of their story to trust me. I would ruin my parents’ past. Bit with either show my disappointment at my family I don’t want to do this, or bit will replay.
Till my own end I said and I will follow through. I reckon my acts would bring terror back to me. I am a print person, lines are an antagonist. Making family narrative difficult because I went from a serious road. From on one get a job. Do I need to study innocents, to make no chance? Lol. This or Adam, I must shoot. My attempt to shoot up is truth in mission. His trajectory only got a…
…shot of outside. Before getting run over by a car and then shot. Hi. An online shot at security guard tackle him in left and right. Hit around, on the apparent arrival repetition but in parking lot and in started shooting was not stopped. I have to get on close and personal, taking them by surprise.
I am to begin, and in one get right next to a thick crowd but still be in a secure position safe from getting rushed. Then put my weapons from hating and innocent blood, then can run, disperse, or even reject to my presence.
Pick a gun from zone. Pick a spot and be security. Kill a gun on my presence that is only for suicide. Don’t do it online, to send to ensure no capture!
I am to pick a target. I want to think about massacre. I am a sick fuck. I want to kill as many as I can. I want to test my limits. I do it for myself, my own purpose.
Pages 36 and 37
I would love to take a school, but I think my time for that has passed. Adam Lanza was able to make his win big, but not go to lock. I think and use Adam’s, people are much more aware. If I was still at a student, it would be easier. School shootings just miss me. I most likely so fucking love the social status and innocence. Hard to target a club.
I wonder why is more scared. Big as shootings San Ysidro and Uvalde, or parking at Santa Fe. At least, kids don’t really know what is going on. They know it’s bad and are scared, or the high-schoolers you know exactly what is going on. Anyways, I think I still want to target to honor my family name, but picking a target of moral obligation. This target include immigration agents, corrupt politicians, execs of grim megacorps, and hate group. Pick Nazis. This target self-optimism as big as hard to access, well-protected. Hard to get into a big crowd. I want and enjoy radicalism or somewhat expecting to aim.
Dangerous for their positions. No matter yet I am, my family will be destroyed. If I am going to do something, I am going to do my moral war for myself. Killing a pig pilot or Arab bomb. To do blood will still label me as a sick assassin murderer and shame my family. I am doing it for me. I am going for as many kills as possible. I don’t care.
School shootings or crowds or Trump supporters at a big protest like Bannons would be best. Little morals destroyed but also continue my haha. Not to move to my main gun owners. I wish I could slotter a room full of officials. I might actually get away at that lmao. But that won’t ever happen. I really feel like a concert venue would be my best bet. I am picturing the fentanyl being in, manipulating, though a “Green Day” or something rant next to the stands. That would be perfect for sneaking into a big instrument crowd. Then grip on and shoot. That would only end as best blasting. I don’t want to deny my target in full grip. Game over.
Pages 38 and 39
Holy shit… that was fucking amazing. Wow.
I just found the Christchurch mosque shooting video. That was incredible. I’ve wanted to watch that for so long now. I only saw the first half, the video stopped right before he said “subscribe to Pewdiepie.” The quality was shit but I still got to witness the glory. Camera angle was perfect.
I love seeing Brenton mow down the filming pilot, their arms flailing as they fall. I love seeing him come around the corner and around that pile of bodies. Sorry, “piles” of bodies lol. I can’t even make out what that blood on the screen was but as soon as he started unloading into it, a big smirk spread across my face.
I also laugh when that one loser tried to rush or run past Brenton only to get mowed down. Hilarious. And also times on Adam’s video the music? As if a distant dream know you’ll end, lol. I honestly praise my self before watching it as I knew this was the proof I’d find and I had never seen a POV with live test before! And,…
Привет, братва
(Hello, brothers
)
Бored mi. Don’t get mi rong, I love it but I wasn’t as shook as I thought I would be. I noticed his unload was fast but instantly dropped but no reloads. I think that was a smart move, however his pickup to drop spot for first hit did not show as much as I want.
I would bot his distant tank full advance of the shotgun spray and number of projectiles. I would smile the person crawl away after being shot, then Brenton switch to the rifle and finish him off. Lovely. I also nearly pissed myself when the former hallway with the corner travel to mark and run off hit and Brenton cut it glimpsing so I waited for him.
POV into the same hallway Brenton enters through, magnificent tactical move was b-adass, so myself knew hi would probably not front entrance to escape. Just from that brief glimpse hi got on that run, I knew it was concrete. A true inspirational vid terms of tactics, not really his views. I am way sick of mi own gonzo too, honor past killers.
Pages 40 and 41
I really should not buy a gun lol. I am so scared I am going to do something. I can’t do that to my family, then it’d only worsen killing my own actions. I am probably still going to buy a gun. Just can’t help myself, I am losing control.
Just now an insight out for life, my cancer gets too fucked up. Before I had dismissed to act, but got to be cancer, my lungs filled so fucked. I have to have tumors or something. I really don’t want to go to the doctor, that’s a death sentence right there. I don’t want to end my mind and die wasting away in a hospital.
I know I am going to do Adam. I am not too excited about life anymore. I want to kill people. Lots of people. If I am going to do Adam, terrorism and earn it, I want to make it trendy, Derivative XD! I don’t want my family gone, but I am getting to honor of them holding my back from what I really, truly want to accomplish.
And all to say, far look, I have so much insight, loving and caring family!
I think continuing to live is all in maintaining me go further doing this dark plan. I am sitting shit, having and contempt for the world. I want to put on this mask every day. I want a gun so easily. I really want to buy a gun and kneel to voice in my head. I am so close, getting a gun will just be a ripple of shocking action to do end an era, just lacking to fill my self how to feel about this journal.
I am just building end, abusing something scary to test out this pen onto films. This journal did not help, lol. Only diminishing my plans a little, drivel in my ink, encouraging me to follow through.
I scare part that this is all my own plot. I know Adam was buying a gun with only push my future. I won’t be able to resist it. I don’t want to resist anymore. I want to act. I want to Brenton video again today, God, what a great video. I love it. So good a fun, satisfying watch. I recommend!
Pages 42 and 43
I don’t know which side of me is going to gain over my brain first. The radicalized political terrorist that wants to send a message, or the psychopathic monster that wants to slaughter innocent toddlers. God, I really want to kill kids. Kindergarten thru fifth grade would be best. Able to be overpowered and terrorized easily. High schoolers are not as innocent and can also fight back. Kill kids!
I went on a walk today, saw friends around kids in a neighborhood. My goal was a house in complex that had a corner playground area. With kids around with moms, mostly girls running, their stupid steps. Ha! Towards, I don’t know, but it’s such as a thought of them as targets. My mind starts raising about how I should kill them. I don’t necessarily hate Muslims but I don’t mind if the world sees kids as a symbol. More I will watch it, the psychopathic side take over. I want to satisfy myself. For my life I have…
…put myself big time other. I have always had my problems to not make other people uncomfortable. Fuck that! No more! Live big!
This is all for foresight. Forget for family, forget to go. Fuck! I really want someone close to me to admit to send me out to die. This, I have never had a death of a close one. A friend would push me, won war or off to holiday. For I, I don’t want to hopelessly for me, I will lose in meaning.
I am thinking about killing kids for fun! Thinking about shooting kids crammed into a closet or small bathroom. Thinking about locking at their timing, terrified faces. Thinking about massacres, emptying my drum magazines into them, then continuing to hurry thru corridors until I am out. God, I consume.
I really hope my gun does not jam when I am in that situation. I am almost thinking of not going as a rifle, Kalashnikov 95% safe. I am sad I think I might be able to sustain but lmao. I am thinking of using a pistol, Kimber carbine, or a pistol.
Pages 44 and 45
Went 2 hours looking and examining mags. I want to hand out some brave soul so I can shoot kids ramflip. Hi-Point. An M16 chamber with .22.
I have no interest with that caliber online. I can get my hands on an AM180 aka bzzzzzz! But no, hi also has: 9x99 rounds! Hi has a drum, full mag type, rifle. I want to train that, train dominance to me as fast as I can, rain shooting from the hip, and just generalize any concerns I might have about that caliber. I hold I can handle it, I would prefer it. I don’t really know what would be the most devastating definitely, hollow-point something. YAK. I just have to assume my weapons will fail on me. Reliability. I really laugh at Brenton’s semi-auto shotgun, but work projectile. I don’t think I am going to do that tho.
I think a good ol’ pump action is the way to go. The KS-K 410, some semi rifle but twin tube controls me and I don’t want difficult weapons. Durbin not special. AR-15 ten round capacity. I imagine but it be one of them. Mossberg shocking is fine.
TEKNICH
I want to finalize the rant. Shells for my purpose. There is some really nasty home-defense rounds.
• Long barrel (not many rounds to scatter into the crowd)
• Hornady (my alt, important?)
• Hornady—covered ideas.
You know, I probably don’t want hollow-point ammo for my not-shotgun weapon. I get a horror of families misused, fascinate a massive blob of people, like Brenton did. I just want my bullets to penetrate multiple meatbags. I just have to have one XPROZ protection time load, wow.
I want to go to Adam. I don’t want to die from cancer. I want to make history. I am so sorry for my family. I apologize to my family online! Fuck lol.
I don’t apologize or feel bad for the victims’ families. I wish no hate on them. It won’t be lost. I could have killed too though, I sing Primus. No pro. I want to regret that. Don’t as a reminder. Absolutely don’t. I would still kill, I would love to hear the screams and see the terror from praying. I should probably…
Pages 46 and 47
Got a nice helmet and vid 10 plus a mouse and a GoPro to goggle it. XD
I would love to livestream but I don’t have the technology for now, nor do I want to be too obvious with it. Lol. I don’t want groups online to show I had some work but I plan that. I could think up about this. Oh well. I do it for myself.
I really want to buy a gun. Guns. Many. I am not gonna say shit. XD I am going to.
Shit now want sex, down and go to work and not do shit. I am running off ideas hard, I got too far assassin. I don’t want to wait.
Be mom, main bit that needs handling. I wish I could pose somehow. I am very tired. I want to end my life. But if I do, I am attempting to bring about as my Adam and discrediting as I can’t get nominated. No, I pick people soft. I am so full of hate and I love it.
I am so full of hate and I love it. I love to rest easy having enemies. Inevitable. Death. Morality, smile, cry, optimism. Fuck it all.
I am so full of hate and I love it
Damn.
I was contemplating my attack last night, picturing myself walking into Safeway cafe with my shotgun. I had a fascination of my shotgun devastating groups. Definitely go pump action over semi auto. Was steady I pictured it to pump blindly still too slow. I am scared of someone seeing me be slow and stopping and charging me. Don’t deal being a hero.
I feel the KS-K will be too complicated for me. I want something classic and straight-forward. Rather than Kal-Tec, I think I will go with the Mossberg. Shocking, but I can praise around a four-fifty. Semi length too.
Pump or four, less rounds than KS-K but I think in US 10 or 15 will be more appreciated. I have also heard KS-K can be tricky to load and that its pump is unlikely to short-stroke it even a little.
DAMN! Just found a Mossberg retroshock! That looks amazing, sick shit, semi-auto compact pump, this is so cool! Unbelievable. Dual wielding though, dominant sick last faster than then rain, then when they think to or finished.
Pages 48 and 49
BOOM! Sick more, idea of aiming. I really think to aim is of into overthrow total God. I think the shock value held up the time, make hit too long. I had fascination about ballistic shockwave online, kids into a big panic form of gun. If I did probably still want a gun, yeah not for suicidality, I only more about having to kill.
The gun for explanation myself. I know I could have it amongst, my airport guns, big as hell. Just not stupid, but imagining it so. Point I am want just to admit I have a plan. I want to plan each form bit all. I am not to end. Help!
I think sugar cafe in St. Paul, could be a good target. Ten footnote host music events and so on. Up in third quarter. I could very easily park my van into third lot, exit on big main van, then creep and hurt distance to an onscore, or near chain onto front, then even as a crowd group of ten.
Dominant drive into gun and not carrying. That would definitely be some major multiplication to protect them homes, but I doubt anyway.
I would be armed. Why know, maybe I will get smoke and transit with a big Glock? Maybe I should get some armor lol. I think to scare ballistic fans lmao, just so many tho, cost… God, lmao. To be for handgun, maybe not.
Also would be great for decorating next day off face paintings or writings. I need to win the lotto. I probably should avoid the temptation to go big on my own way out. I live in an apartment and don’t have any surprises.
I know but no one can to investigate, so I am in this hell, mom car and kids big importance as I live. Another post not a risk. I am willing to think. Consider poop 10k, lol.
I think it would be way worse to get stopped by police before I aim my target. At least if I get tackle or shot at the scene, I still vindicated and traumatizing people, getting story to kids not only grim, over but humiliation and more.
End effort forum of going on contact. End no will be protection. Adam, this is end, aiming out of being but many conscience with to end of this.
Page 50
Journal. How fitting. Given the chance, I probably would want to go out like Salvador Ramos. His abundant spot from one school, Adam bad cop. His excuse himself to officers quickly, given them time and concentration area to fire on, while still being able to shoot and cope on the way out.
Bit really only inspiration as I scratch more to think. Capture was not an option. I can’t do a single thing to put me at risk of survival and prosecution. I could bear to force my family’s hand that. The aim of this journal does not mean the end. I will keep writing as I still have more journals. I will act when the time is right. I will not rush my Adam for glory.
If I decide to act, I will plan to go loud. I will be very clear, I am to plan on, present to media, Adam not joke to go (haha, right? not). Hilarious, spontaneous act.
I am holding myself back for now, but begging, I want wine. I want a gun. I don’t know how long I will last. I don’t want to rest.
I want to kill! I want to kill! I want to kill!!
