Lolcows in Fiction (Books, TV, Movies, etc.)

[Replicant Sasquatch]

There was a scene where Edgar beat up some guy in a tard rage because he wore a shirt that said "America is Scary", then ran up and slammed a book into the guy's face when he was just walking away.

Yeah, and the book was Jimmy's first one. He was so desperate for exposure he gave a free copy to the homeless vet he used to buy weed from.

I also forgot about Gretchen's insane relationship with her parents.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

The Dead Rising series has all sorts of cows, but there's one in particular that really sticks out:

That clearly upstanding human being up there is Randy Tugman from the second game. Does he look at all familiar? He should if you're on this website. Randy here is a 28-year-old porn-addicted virgin who uses the fact that there's a zombie outbreak as an excuse to shed his shy, awkward persona and kidnap women in order to force them to marry him so that he can rape them. His dad had always told him that he can't have sex until he's married, and he's taken this to heart. Randy can be found in a wedding chapel, forcing his priest father to perform a wedding between him and some unfortunate girl he got his hands on. He's got a big pink chainsaw that he excitedly revs up as he gets impatient. When Chuck Greene shows up, Randy turns around and absentmindedly eviscerates dear old dad with his chainsaw. Like any lolcow worth his salt, he refuses to accept responsibility for this; one of his phrases in battle is "you killed my father."

It should be noted, however, that Randy is actually capable of fighting unlike most cows. He's notoriously one of the most difficult bosses in the game, and despite being an overweight tub of lard, the motherfucker can move really really fast. He has high health and hits like a truck too.

 

[SuicideIsPainless]

M*A*S*H definitely had quite a few lolcows, a lot of them being one-offs, but I think one takes the cake

Frank Burns: He's an army surgeon in the korean war, but is incredibly immature,selfish,delusional and blames everyone else for his shortcomings. For starters he's only a doctor because he cheated on the medical exam after failing twice. The other doctors in the series have to consistently pick up his slack due to his incompetence which almost gets patients killed on multiple occasions.
Even though he's a Major he's a complete coward who runs in the face of danger despite his claims of being a conservative patriot. Nobody in his unit respects his authority or his ability as a doctor. I could go on, but every aspect of his character is absolutely cowish.
Despite all of this he's actually fairly successful with his private practice back home, and lives a pretty lavish lifestyle because of this and his marriage. At the end of his run in the series he get's promoted to a Lt. Colonel after a mental breakdown and transferred back stateside. I feel he'd either be a careercow or possibly a horrorcow because of how many people he let die.

 

[Hummingbird]

Modius from Vampire: The Masquerade is one. He's the leader of the Vampires in Gary, Indiana and like the city, he is a product of fallen luster. (In case you're wondering, no, he had nothing to do with the city's economic fall.) He is filled with delusions of grandeur that he is still a big shot and everything is fine; though his majorly outdated clothes and rotting mansion (that he hasn't gotten around to fixing) will tell you otherwise.

The adventure, Baptism by Fire, has plenty of defining moments of lolcowism...

• 
  
  Spoiler: Here we go

  [*]Will have his childe (a vampire he created), Allicia, flirt and entertain the male guests and sets up a trick where she will offer to share blood with the man who agrees and he will bust in mid-act, acting like an over-protective father type, believing this will make the man more loyal to Allicia and thus, get closer to controlling them. If she likes you too much, he will go nuts.
  [*]His idea of protecting his place if there's just one strange car outside is to call as many police cars to come in, surround the place and wait all night if they have to. This has more to do with him showing off his power than concern for his own safety.
  [*]The man needs to be flattered or at least humored at all times or he will fly into a rage if the right buttons are pushed. Especially when things don't go his way.
  [*]When his rival, Jugglar, comes with some drunk humans and starts turning the party into a loud bash with modern music (that stuff makes him rant and rave), he forgets about upholding the Masquerade (that Vampires need to be hidden from Mortals) or how this will effect his humanity and demands that the players kill the drunks.
  [*]Claims he's created a new steel factory that will recover Gary's economy when he really hasn't done shit.
  
  [*]Twenty years later, he's still clinging on to his prestige (in the adventure, Dust to Dust) despite him and Jugglar being the only Vampires left in town. (Jugglar also becomes a lolcow at that point.)

It's arguable if Annabelle (Modius' sire) is one at times. The woman tries so hard to impress the rest of her clan in discovering great art that it has usually come short, resulting in others not taking her seriously. Not to mention being a ho in the late 1700s ruined her chance of marrying a rich noble like she hoped as a Mortal. The problem is that hedonism is all she really knows and while she can throw a good party, there are probably others that can do it better.

I think her biggest lolcow moment came in one adventure where some rivals troll her by first tricking her into showing off some modern art that is really part of a train engine, her childes' erotic blood dance is a failure and also tricking her into thinking a upside-down version of a popular piece of classical music was a love song written for her by a secret admirer. Let's say the results are not pretty.

 

[Hummingbird]

The Dead Rising series has all sorts of cows, but there's one in particular that really sticks out:

That clearly upstanding human being up there is Randy Tugman from the second game. Does he look at all familiar? He should if you're on this website. Randy here is a 28-year-old porn-addicted virgin who uses the fact that there's a zombie outbreak as an excuse to shed his shy, awkward persona and kidnap women in order to force them to marry him so that he can rape them. His dad had always told him that he can't have sex until he's married, and he's taken this to heart. Randy can be found in a wedding chapel, forcing his priest father to perform a wedding between him and some unfortunate girl he got his hands on. He's got a big pink chainsaw that he excitedly revs up as he gets impatient. When Chuck Greene shows up, Randy turns around and absentmindedly eviscerates dear old dad with his chainsaw. Like any lolcow worth his salt, he refuses to accept responsibility for this; one of his phrases in battle is "you killed my father."

It should be noted, however, that Randy is actually capable of fighting unlike most cows. He's notoriously one of the most difficult bosses in the game, and despite being an overweight tub of lard, the motherfucker can move really really fast. He has high health and hits like a truck too.

He also looks like Chris-Chan.

 

[Hummingbird]

Another V:TM lolcow would be Edgar Drummond (Chicago by Night, first edition). The dimwitted, cowardly fatass son of a Chicago railroad baron, daddy had little choice, but to will his empire to him. Now that time has passed and people don't use trains like they used to (even in the early 1990s where the game is set), Edgar still stubbornly clings to the glory days as if nothing has changed like a total manchild. If you even mention how air and road travel are taking over or if you call him anything other Mr. Drummond or Sir, he'll rage in a "loud, whiny voice".

Like a lot of manchildren he has toys he likes to childishly play with (his model train replica of the city). He'll expect you to compliment it and if he goes back to playing it, you better not bother him or he'll rage. There's also the delusion that his sire will someday make him a lieutenant, but that will never happen. He was mentioned to have been killed in Under a Blood Red Moon, but it was never mentioned how.

Also, depending on how you play him, Neil Graham could count as one.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

I think Forrest Gump could qualify as something of an anti-cow. He's got some kind of learning disability (I think the book specifies :autism: but I wouldn't know because I haven't read it; the movie just says he has a low IQ), which means that he's only mildly aware of his surroundings, and is largely incapable of seeing anything but the good in people. Examples are how he's completely oblivious to the fact that Lieutenant Dan is (initially) bitter and resentful towards him for rescuing him in Vietnam, denying him his supposed destiny of dying in a war and leaving him without his legs (he gets better about it later), and how he unshakably loves Jenny despite the obvious fact that she's an unstable drug addict and scumbag who arguably takes advantage of him for most of the movie.

However, despite (and sometimes because of) his intellectual disadvantages, Forrest bumbles his way into becoming a wealthy celebrity. Sometimes by chance, and other times by pure dumb luck, every stupid decision he makes in the movie works out almost perfectly for him in the end.

 

[Hummingbird]

I think Forrest Gump could qualify as something of an anti-cow. He's got some kind of learning disability (I think the book specifies :autism: but I wouldn't know because I haven't read it; the movie just says he has a low IQ), which means that he's only mildly aware of his surroundings, and is largely incapable of seeing anything but the good in people. Examples are how he's completely oblivious to the fact that Lieutenant Dan is (initially) bitter and resentful towards him for rescuing him in Vietnam, denying him his supposed destiny of dying in a war and leaving him without his legs (he gets better about it later), and how he unshakably loves Jenny despite the obvious fact that she's an unstable drug addict and scumbag who arguably takes advantage of him for most of the movie.

However, despite (and sometimes because of) his intellectual disadvantages, Forrest bumbles his way into becoming a wealthy celebrity. Sometimes by chance, and other times by pure dumb luck, every stupid decision he makes in the movie works out almost perfectly for him in the end.

He also doesn't let his disability get him down, use it as an excuse or become "exceptional". As for Jenny, I never found her scummy, just a woman who has been so abused and taken advantage of her entire life that she doesn't know how to respond to kindness or love and it scares her.

 

[MasterDisaster]

It should be noted, however, that Randy is actually capable of fighting unlike most cows. He's notoriously one of the most difficult bosses in the game, and despite being an overweight tub of lard, the motherfucker can move really really fast. He has high health and hits like a truck too.

The technical term for that is Tard Rage. While the name in itself is hilarious the actual act of it is not so funny; I watched doors get ripped on hinges, a rampage that took them through a wall and a tragic beatdown that ended in a stroke.

 

[Fougaro]

To a certain degree I think the four main characters from The Big Bang Theory could count as lolcows. Leonard has Stefan Molyneux levels of mommy issues, Howard was a creep who at some point I'm convinced would have stored body parts of hookers in a fridge before he finally met Bernadette and Sheldon is basically anthropomorphic :autism:. The one that currently stands out to me so far has to be Raj. I find it amazing how even after overcoming his anxiety around women he still manages to radiate more :autism: around the fairer sex than Sheldon.
The most exceptional shit he did in my opinion was inviting all his ex-girlfriends to tell him what he did wrong with Howard attending this shitshow for the lulz and to interpret for the deaf ex. And what a shitshow it was. It's amazing how each of the girls basically say that their lives improved after braking up with Raj. Sometimes I wonder if Chuck Lorre is browsing r/TheRedPill and other loveshy communities for inspiration. At this point I think Raj is just one breakup away from going full Supreme Gentleman.

Speaking of Chuck Lorre, I still can't decide if Alan Harper from Two and a Half Men is a lolcow or just born under the unluckiest star. Or maybe both.

 

[Hummingbird]

Speaking of Chuck Lorre, I still can't decide if Alan Harper from Two and a Half Men is a lolcow or just born under the unluckiest star. Or maybe both.

I'd say he leans more to unlucky star. I remember my former roomies and I would joke that he just needs a good dicking.

 

[Tlazolli]

Does Ice King from adventure time count? he's weird, crazy, smelly and does a lot of questionable and stupid shit. Also, he seems incapable of losing his virginity.

there's also Homer Simpson, definitely a lolcow, no doubt about it.

 

[Ntwadumela]

Nine from Blazblue
One of the 6 Heroes? Sure, but she had sex with a literal CAT (Jubei) and gave birth to a socially awkward cat girl scientist of a daughter.

Now if that's not lolcow worthy I don't know what is

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Someone mentioned Kilgrave from Jessica Jones a while back, but that show has more conventional cows in the form of the title character's neighbors Robyn and Ruben. I haven't seen the whole show yet (just now getting around to watching it), and three episodes in we've got this weird incest/mother-son vibe between them (they're fraternal twins). There's also the fact that they black out their windows.

Robyn is an abusive, domineering cunt who loudly chimps out at Ruben for trivial bullshit like not wearing gloves when they make food. She's always screaming at him and disturbing Jessica (and probably everyone else in the building) with her autistic screeching.

Ruben is a manchild who most likely has severe autism. He'll blurt out weird things seemingly without thinking about them (an example would be how he randomly says to Jessica about how everyone is inherently racist and has to overcome it). He also collects beetles and generally comes across as a creepy weirdo when he talks to Jessica. Though, in his case, it seems more because he's got some kind of developmental disability and doesn't know any better rather than him intentionally creeping on her.

 

[Wesley Willis]

Jessica Jones could have been done in 6 episodes. The villain wasn't destructive enough to spent the whole season chasing.

 

[TheMightyMonarch]

I know Game of Thrones has been mentioned a bunch in this thread but I'm surprised that no one has mentioned Lysa Arryn yet. She is the sister of Catelyn Stark, which makes her the aunt of the Stark children (sans Jon Snow). She's pretty much Westeros's answer to Barb Candler, coddling her son to the point where she still breastfeeds him at age 10. The first big mystery of the show that pretty much kickstarts all the major events is the death of her husband, Jon Arryn. Initially, it's implied that he was killed by the Lannisters because he discovered their incestuous tendencies. Well, as it turns out in Season 4,

Spoiler

The Lannisters, despite being behind most despicable things that happen in the show, had nothing to do with his death. It was in fact orchestrated by Lysa herself just to impress some guy she had the hots for. It's also implied that she thought that her husband would take her son away from her, which is another reason why she killed him. She then lies to her sister, making it seem like the Lannisters were the ones who killed him. This sends Catelyn on a wild goose chase, in which these events eventually cause Catelyn's death and the destruction of the Stark household more or less (Although to be fair, Catelyn had other legitimate reasons to be suspicious of the Lannisters but Lysa's meddling certainly didn't do any favors)

Eventually, she marries said guy that she has the hots for. But things start to get complicated when her new husband brings along her niece to the Vale (which is her territory). The thing is, her husband actually loved her sister all this time and her niece resembles her greatly. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that he is probably more interested in the niece than her. One day, she witnesses her husband kissing her niece on the lips. Instead of being grossed out over the fact that her husband made out with a minor, she goes apeshit over the fact that her own niece "stole" her man from her and threatens to kill her by throwing her out the "moon door" (which is just a hole in the floor in the castle, which leads to inevitable death because the castle in high in the mountains). Her husband witnesses this and decides that he has had enough of her shit, so he throws her out of the moon door, but not before telling her that the only woman he has ever loved was her sister.

Spoiler: Book Spoilers

In the books, she's something more of a horrorcow. When she was a teenager, she pretty much raped a drunk Lord Baelish (who is her crush/eventual husband in the show) and gets pregnant from the encounter. Her father, having none of this shit, gives her some potion which makes her miscarries. But it's also implied that the potion fucked up her reproductive system the point where she had multiple miscarriages in her marriage to Jon Arryn and one child (The Chris to her Barb) is the only one who survived past infancy. It explains why she babies him more but it certainly doesn't excuse her other lolcow tendencies

 

[The Janitor]

Edward nygma from Gotham (I think) might be a lolcow candidate, with a case of dissociative identity disorder and possibly autism.

Spoiler: Evidence of behavior

(multiple moments of him being autistic in the beginning of the show)

(Split personality in action)

(Snapping due to pressure from the other personality)

(context: The other guy is a fugitive. Nygma here set him up. Also, note the comment about "psychopaths")

(Adapting to asylum life)

tl;dr
Has a riddle fetish
Overthinks and overcomplicates fucking everything, to the point where it's creepy
Has no idea of subtlety when talking to women and leaves the most obvious of clues behind
Somehow hasn't died yet, but got a promotion from being a Forensic Scientist, to a criminal, to a Chief of Staff for a recently elected mayor, and is currently on-ice.

 

[Captain Pipsqueak]

Does Ice King from adventure time count? he's weird, crazy, smelly and does a lot of questionable and stupid shit. Also, he seems incapable of losing his virginity.

I don't know if he should count: the condition he's in is because of the crown fucking around with his brain.

 

[cuddle striker]

Unrelated, but in addition to Dale Gribble and Bill Dauterive, Peggy Hill from King of the Hill could probably be considered a lolcow. While Dale and Bill are the show's resident skitzocow and loveshy respectively, Peggy carves her own niche as a personification of "unwarranted self-importance."

if Bobby was microcephalic she'd be in one of the beauty parlor horror threads.

Relating to Always Sunny, both Dennis and Mac are classic examples of Manosphere cows.
Mac is a traditionalist, hyper masculine catholic who tries to hide his homosexual urges, and Dennis is a failed PUA.
Mac would be right at home with the alt-right because he likes dickgirls/tradwives (Carmen) while still being against gay marriage.

that show is all cows. every character is written to be one, never learning or improving, only sliding further into caricature of shittiness. the mcpoyles are community watch material too.

M*A*S*H definitely had quite a few lolcows, a lot of them being one-offs, but I think one takes the cake

Frank Burns: He's an army surgeon in the korean war, but is incredibly immature,selfish,delusional and blames everyone else for his shortcomings. For starters he's only a doctor because he cheated on the medical exam after failing twice. The other doctors in the series have to consistently pick up his slack due to his incompetence which almost gets patients killed on multiple occasions.
Even though he's a Major he's a complete coward who runs in the face of danger despite his claims of being a conservative patriot. Nobody in his unit respects his authority or his ability as a doctor. I could go on, but every aspect of his character is absolutely cowish.
Despite all of this he's actually fairly successful with his private practice back home, and lives a pretty lavish lifestyle because of this and his marriage. At the end of his run in the series he get's promoted to a Lt. Colonel after a mental breakdown and transferred back stateside. I feel he'd either be a careercow or possibly a horrorcow because of how many people he let die.

not only burns but Klinger.

 

[Tlazolli]

I don't know if he should count: the condition he's in is because of the crown fucking around with his brain.

That's true, the stupid shit Ice King does isn't his fault.