I wanted to post mine in one go, but since it's getting a bit long and I haven't finished yet, I'll be breaking this up into small parts. I followed the spirit of
@FatFuckingClown 's lovely comics and changed their names, because I can.
Anyway.
I present to you all:
THE REVENGE OF HAMHOCK CANKLE: PART ONE: IS IT HEARTBREAK, OR IS IT HEART DISEASE?
“How could you do this to me?!” Hamhock Cankle shrieked, spittle flying from her gaping maw. “I was your errythaaaaang!”
It took a few moments before her now-ex-girlfriend, Dalton Spedderson, answered. Suspiciously enough, Hamhock thought that she heard a muted beep nearby. It was probably nothing.
“Aw, Hamhock,” Dalton said, "if only you'd meet her. Then you'd understand! She's hot! She's caring! She's got a rack on her back...uuuuuhnnnfffffffgh.” That very thought made the cross-eyed creature reach into her pocket and pull out a large portrait to give it a wet, perverse lick. She continued to sweep her tongue over the glass smeared with dried saliva; the picture frame had been through several instances of abuse. Inside of the cloudy glass, was the image of an unfortunate-looking goblin of a girl. Her scalp was covered by a blonde mop, and she was stuffing a whole triple-decker cheeseburger into her mouth. The name “Svetlana” was signed on the corner in neon-pink marker.
“She's SO ugly, gorl!” Hamhock cried. Her eyes were puffy with tears, which made her round face look like a red beach ball. “My one-eyed fish factory ain't good enough for you?”
Her insults fell flat on Dalton, who was more than happy to continue licking.
Hamhock knew that she had been nothing but a model girlfriend. She lavished her with useless gifts, and dressed her like the twelve-year-old wasteoid princess she was. She even had the honor of being Hamhock's personal crack-wiper. Her pig-like eyes narrowed. Wait a minute. If she could make Dalton, then she could break her.
“Say, Dalton?” She asked sweetly, batting her spidery eyelashes. “I need to go to Floormart to get food for a mookbawng. Will you drive me?”
There was an uncomfortably long silence as Dalton stopped her licking. Another beep. This was getting weird.
“Uh, yeah, sure.” She said, grabbing her keys.
It didn't take long for Dalton's pants to give out and fall down into a ring around her ankles. Her ratty, cartoon-print underwear barely covered her large behind, and exposed the gaping line. The unfortunate creature tripped over herself at the door-frame, sprawled between carpet and sidewalk like an ugly roadbump.
Hamhock grinned happily as she waddled out. Her elephantine legs could barely hover over Dalton, so she found that her floor-ridden ex made a good stepstool, albeit she almost lost her balance. Now, for phase two.
~*~* To be continued in part two:
Operation Prism Drop! ~*~*~
