READ THIS BEFORE ENTERING!!! READ THIS BEFORE ENTERING!!! READ THIS BEFORE ENTERING!!!
1. You are about to enter the property of David Anthony Stebbins (me, myself, I). By entering this property, you hereby acknowledge that you have read, understand, and agree to be legally bound by the terms below.
2. This contract shall be entered into if any portion, even a single fingernail, knocks on this door, or contacts me in any way, shape, or form, unless you meet one of the criteria in Rule #18.
3. If you are acting as an agent, employee, or independent contractor for anyone, you acknowledge that you have express authority to perform whatever task you are entering this property to perform. You also agree that you have either implied and/or apparent authority to enter into this contract for your client's behalf.
A) The principals spoken of in the above paragraph shall stack as high as ownership shall go. For example, if you are a news reporter for CNN, you will not only bind CNN, but, also, Turner Broadcasting Systems, Inc., as well as Time Warner Communications, Inc.
4. You hereby agree to hold me harmless for any injuries you sustain that I do not intentionally cause.
5. You hereby agree to allow me to use, distribute, and sell the rights to your name, physical likeness, and any intellectual property that you may own, throughout the universe, for no fee, until the rights become public property.
6. You hereby agree to not request, nor accept any offer for, any third party to remove any material that I may feel that you own the copyright to.
7. You hereby agree that, for now and forever, in the event that I ask you a question, you must answer it promptly, accurately, and truthfully.
8. You hereby agree to never:
A) Demonstrate any rudeness, annoyance, or disrespect, however petty, against me, for all eternity, as this constitutes harassment.
B) Defame me, in any way, even if no actual injury occurs from it, for all eternity. This shall include "stretching the truth," or giving an opinion, passed off as fact or consensus, that a reasonable person would accept as meaning something that is not true about me.
C) Use any defenses in a lawsuit where I am the plaintiff, that are, ultimately, not held up in court or in arbitration, as this constitutes defamation.
D) Sue me for any tort that you do not win, as this constitutes defamation.
E) If you are working for, or on behalf of, any sovereign entity, you will not prosecute me for any crime that I am acquitted of, as this constitutes defamation.
F) Commit any tort against me, for any reason whatsoever, even if no actual harms comes to me as a result of it.
9. You hereby agree that, if you breach any of the terms in Rule #8, that you, as well as your principal, employer, or customer, shall be jointly liable to me for a sum of one hundred thousand (100,000) United States dollars for each provision breached, with interest of 365,000 percent per annum, compounding daily, even after the judgment or arbitral award is issued.
10. If you are working as an agent or employee for a sovereign entity, you hereby agree that said sovereign entity shall waive all of its sovereign immunity, as well as all immunities stemming from sovereign immunity (including, but not limited to, prosecutorial immunity, judicial, and legislative immunity), for all purposes whatsoever, both in state and federal court, for eternity, in any legal disputes against me, except that judges shall retain judicial immunity for decisions that they render that are fully compliant with all laws in place. This shall apply to the entire sovereign entity (e.g. the entire state, rather than just the state agency).
A) If you are working for, or on behalf of, the United States federal government, or any agency thereof, you hereby agree to allow me to use the federal government's name, for all eternity, for the purpose of abrogating the states' eleventh amendment immunity.
11. You hereby agree that you, as well as any principal or employer that you are acting on behalf of, will initially attempt [to] settle all legal disputes by semi-binding arbitration using the services of
www.net-arb.com, where you are bound, but I am not.
12. In the event that the arbitration either does not take place, for whatever reason, or I am unsatisfied with the result, you hereby agree to hold the ensuing litigation in a court that has competent jurisdiction over this property.
13. You hereby agree to reimburse me any costs that I expend in suing you for anything, including, but not limited to, travel expenses, expert witness fees, attorneys' fees, court fees, etc., even if these fees would normally be deemed "unreasonable" in normal litigation, all else being equal.
14. You hereby agree to never use any defenses in any legal disputes, including, but not limited to, absolute defenses or affirmative defenses, that are, ultimately, not held up in court or arbitration.
15. You hereby agree to not discriminate or retaliate against me for any reason, in any way, because of the content of this contract.
16. You hereby agree to cease all affiliations with any entity, individual and business alike, who discriminates against me because of the content of this contract, unless you are legally required to affiliate with them.
17. You hereby agree that, if I send you a letter, or [mail/init] fax, or phone call, telling you that you owe me any money (maybe, or maybe not, related to this contract), and you refuse to pay me this money within 48 hours or less, the money that you owe me shall increase tenfold for every period of 24 hours thereafter.
18. You will be exempt from all of the above provisions if one or more of the following conditions are met:
A) If you are, or work for, or on behalf of, the owner of this property.
B) If you have a warrant, duly enacted in accordance with the 4th Amendment to the United States Constitution (or the equivalent state constitutional provision), to search this property, any property located on this premises, or the physical person of any person located on this premises, or if you have a warrant for the arrest of any individual located on this property. However, this exception shall be null and void in the event that the person you arrest is acquitted of the crime you arrest him or her for.
C) If you may be convicted of a crime for not contacting me (remember, you must actually be subjected to jail time to meet this exception. Merely getting fired, getting sued, or any other form of civil consequence, does not meet this exception, as you may still, without legal duress, choose that civil consequence over this civil consequence).
Amendment: If you do not accept my arbitration invitation within seven (7) days, it automatically [awards] the amount I requested regardless of the merits of my case.
Amendment II: The semi-binding arbitration spoken of in clause 11 is now a binding arbitration. All else remains equal.
Amendment III: Clause 17 is hereby revoked.
