Lolcows in Fiction (Books, TV, Movies, etc.)

[Y2K Baby]

Flintheart Glomgold from the Ducktales Reboot. Granted, the makers went all out on this version to show the humor in how pathetic his obsession is. Here's some examples...

• It was Scrooge's failed attempt at teaching a child-Flintheart self-reliance that drove him to not only beat Scrooge at being a better billionare, but be even more Scotish than he is. Despite the fact that Flintheart was born and raised in South Africa.
• All art he has of himself potrays him as a muscular stud instead of the fatass he is. This even includes flashbacks about him that he narrates.
• There's his constant schemes that at times require slide shows to get the point across.
  
• In "The Ballad of Duke Baloney" he has the chance to live a newer and arguably happier life as a fisherman (when he gets his memory back), he decides to throw it all away because he'd rather have his chance at revenge.

Why do you watch gay baby shows.

 

[Ow The Edge]

The Emperor of Warhammer 40k, at least as he appears in the Horus Heresy series. He hates all religion on the basis of entry-level arguments about "muh crusades", and yet sees no problem with going on the biggest baddest genocidal war of all time to exterminate all nonhuman life in the galaxy along with any humans who refuse to obey him. Goes full Mao on any and all expressions of belief in the supernatural, except for the machine-worshiping cargo cultists on Mars, whom he recruits because that's easier. Creates a Stalinesque personality cult around himself where he is viewed as an unquestionable and all-powerful master of everybody whose wisdom cannot be gainsayed, then harshly punishes anyone who attributes the title of "god" to him. He never ceases to demand to be treated like one, though. And throughout all of this he's completely aware the supernatural (daemons, angels, souls, etc.) is completely real and his Imperial Truth is a lie. He never bothers to inform anyone of this.

On a more personal level his sheer boneheaded autism and refusal to ever see anything from the perspective of anyone else accounts for 90% of the reason half of his sons betrayed him. For instance, he found one of his scattered sons with a small band of gladiator kindred in a last stand scenario. He visited said son the night before the final assault and offered to take him away, only to get angrily rebuffed because he refuses to abandon his brethren. Now the Emperor was accompanied by legions of super soldiers and could easily take an entire army by himself. So what's the logical thing to do? Teleport the son and only the son away at the last possible second against his will, leaving all his fellows to be massacred for no real reason. Then dump the inconsolable and raging son on a legion of super soldiers without a word and assume he'll just get with the program because... because. Would you be surprised to learn that the son in question later sells out to space satan to get back at him?

While that might be the best example of his autism, there are many more. Another son worshiped him as literal god for decades to apparently little to no rebuke until, out of nowhere, the Emperor shows up, nukes his single most treasured accomplishment, and forces his entire legion to kneel in the dust. Then just expects him to get with the program and fails to notice when the bare handful of watchdogs he left to ensure that are bumped off. Or another time when he bans all his super soldiers from using psychic powers with no explanation of why, ensuring they have no way to anticipate or counter the psychic space daemons whispering in their heads. The whole reason his favorite son even betrays him in the first place is that the Emperor just up and deserted aforementioned genocidal crusade for no apparent reason and neglected to inform anyone as to why. Leaving the very real space satan the perfect chance to fill his sons' heads with pretty lies.

He might have been the most powerful human ever, but damned if he wasn't thoroughly exceptional.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

I’ve been watching this show on Netflix called You and the main character is a horrorcow.

I’m only three episodes in so far but he obsesses over this girl who comes into the book shop he works at. He stalks her social media, and stands outside her place to watch her through her windows, even when she’s having sex with other guys. The first time he does this, she doesn’t get off from the guy, so after he leaves, she starts “taking care” of herself. He imagines himself having sex with her, and starts jerking off in the middle of the sidewalk.

He also breaks into her house and uses her laptop, and later steals her phone to further stalk her. She’s got this friends-with-benefits guy, whom he kidnaps and keeps hostage because he’s jealous of the guy (and to be fair the guy IS a huge douche who treats her like shit).

There’s also another girl that he apparently had a thing with prior to the start of the series. They haven’t really gone into detail about that yet, but it’s implied that he did something fucked up during that, too. I’m guessing they explain it later on.

 

[AnOminous]

I’ve been watching this show on Netflix called You and the main character is a horrorcow.

I’m only three episodes in so far but he obsesses over this girl who comes into the book shop he works at. He stalks her social media, and stands outside her place to watch her through her windows, even when she’s having sex with other guys. The first time he does this, she doesn’t get off from the guy, so after he leaves, she starts “taking care” of herself. He imagines himself having sex with her, and starts jerking off in the middle of the sidewalk.

He also breaks into her house and uses her laptop, and later steals her phone to further stalk her. She’s got this friends-with-benefits guy, whom he kidnaps and keeps hostage because he’s jealous of the guy (and to be fair the guy IS a huge douche who treats her like shit).

There’s also another girl that he apparently had a thing with prior to the start of the series. They haven’t really gone into detail about that yet, but it’s implied that he did something fucked up during that, too. I’m guessing they explain it later on.

Tbh this sounds like the definitive Netflix show. Why do they keep doing these things? They're awful.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Tbh this sounds like the definitive Netflix show. Why do they keep doing these things? They're awful.

Because literally half of Netflix’s original library consists of “computers bad”

 

[TokiBun]

Joshu from Part 8. Yashuo turns him down and he demands affection from her like a nice guy.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

I’ve been watching this show on Netflix called You and the main character is a horrorcow.

I’m only three episodes in so far but he obsesses over this girl who comes into the book shop he works at. He stalks her social media, and stands outside her place to watch her through her windows, even when she’s having sex with other guys. The first time he does this, she doesn’t get off from the guy, so after he leaves, she starts “taking care” of herself. He imagines himself having sex with her, and starts jerking off in the middle of the sidewalk.

He also breaks into her house and uses her laptop, and later steals her phone to further stalk her. She’s got this friends-with-benefits guy, whom he kidnaps and keeps hostage because he’s jealous of the guy (and to be fair the guy IS a huge douche who treats her like shit).

There’s also another girl that he apparently had a thing with prior to the start of the series. They haven’t really gone into detail about that yet, but it’s implied that he did something fucked up during that, too. I’m guessing they explain it later on.

He’s even more of a horrorcow as the show goes on. He murders several people out of jealousy, keeps a box full of “mementos” which include a pair of the girl’s panties, and the teeth of the aforementioned friend-with-benefits, who is one of the people he murders. When she finds this box, he knocks her out and locks her up. He does this with absolutely no self-awareness whatsoever, and just sees the whole thing as another hump for them to get over in their relationship.

The girl herself arguably qualifies as a cow too. It’s not as immediately obvious because she’s still a lot more normal when compared to him, but she’d likely at least get a beauty parlour thread on here.

 

[Ilikeoreos]

Flintheart Glomgold from the Ducktales Reboot. Granted, the makers went all out on this version to show the humor in how pathetic his obsession is. Here's some examples...

• It was Scrooge's failed attempt at teaching a child-Flintheart self-reliance that drove him to not only beat Scrooge at being a better billionare, but be even more Scotish than he is. Despite the fact that Flintheart was born and raised in South Africa.
• All art he has of himself potrays him as a muscular stud instead of the fatass he is. This even includes flashbacks about him that he narrates.
• There's his constant schemes that at times require slide shows to get the point across.
  
• In "The Ballad of Duke Baloney" he has the chance to live a newer and arguably happier life as a fisherman (when he gets his memory back), he decides to throw it all away because he'd rather have his chance at revenge.

The fact that Glomgold is a South African pretending to be Scottish is actually an interesting Meta reference - he was South African in the original Carl Barks comics, but the 80s TV series changed his nationality to Scottish for political correctness-related reasons

 

[Hummingbird]

The fact that Glomgold is a South African pretending to be Scottish is actually an interesting Meta reference - he was South African in the original Carl Barks comics, but the 80s TV series changed his nationality to Scottish for political correctness-related reasons

That was a neat move on their part (the reboot going with the fake-Scottish angle).

 

[Doctor of Autism]

I was watching a few anime with friends of mine and I have noticed one lolcow in particular.

Spoiler: Ghiaccio (Jojo Part 5)

Ghiaccio is a professional assassin who literally spergs out over metaphors or expressions he doesn't understand and takes them quite literally.

He also literally has sperg outs in front of others no matter where he is.

Aside from Ghiaccio, I would probably mention the main characters of Konosuba as all are pretty much lolcows on different proportions of the autism spectrum.

 

[Dragon Lady]

I’ve been watching this show on Netflix called You and the main character is a horrorcow.

I’m only three episodes in so far but he obsesses over this girl who comes into the book shop he works at. He stalks her social media, and stands outside her place to watch her through her windows, even when she’s having sex with other guys. The first time he does this, she doesn’t get off from the guy, so after he leaves, she starts “taking care” of herself. He imagines himself having sex with her, and starts jerking off in the middle of the sidewalk.

He also breaks into her house and uses her laptop, and later steals her phone to further stalk her. She’s got this friends-with-benefits guy, whom he kidnaps and keeps hostage because he’s jealous of the guy (and to be fair the guy IS a huge douche who treats her like shit).

There’s also another girl that he apparently had a thing with prior to the start of the series. They haven’t really gone into detail about that yet, but it’s implied that he did something fucked up during that, too. I’m guessing they explain it later on.

I tried watching You but I hated the shitty dialogue so much, it felt so inhuman to me, like none of the conversations sounded natural, and that shit just takes me out of any show.

 

[AnOminous]

Chris Peterson, the lead character of the short-lived Get a Life TV series, a literally retarded moron who lived with his parents and whose only job was as a newspaper delivery boy. He was staggeringly stupid to a surreal degree to the point of repeatedly getting killed in the series. Chris Elliott played the lead, and his dad, Bob Elliott (of old timey Bob & Ray fame) played his dad.

This series was ridiculously fucked up and didn't last long because it was just too weird for TV, although people from it (like Charlie Kaufman and Bob Odenkirk) went on to greater things.

Much of the humor of the show that wasn't just killing the lead character over and over was various people like his parents telling him in a variety of ways that he was a complete fucking idiot.

 

[5t3n0g0ph3r]

Shocker from the Ultimate Marvel continuity.
He's pathetic.
While Herman Schultz in the main continuity can be a threat, his Ultimate counterpart is failsauce incarnate.
For starters, just look how he dresses!

He gets his rear handed to him five times by Spider-Man and each time gets more and more humiliating.
Even the police know how much of a loser he is.

Perhaps a more pathetic villain can be seen in Ultimate Boomerang.

If anyone has played the Ultimate Spider-Man video game, then they would be familiar with this guy.
He is even more pathetic than Shocker in that he does not get an introductory cutscene and arguably is weaker than Shocker.
His giant boomerang is easily avoided and he can be beaten rather quickly.
Somehow Boomerang keeps escaping and can be frequently encountered by chance.

 

[Overcast]

Having just read and finished Welcome to the NHK (great manga btw) I can safely say that a good portion of the characters are lolcows.

Spoiler

The main character Tatsuhiro is a hikikimori who does drugs, is convinced that society is conspiring against him, and spends a good portion of the story trying to make a ero-game revolving around young girls with his otaku friend. They even stalk some elementary schoolers for inspiration.

Misaki is a high school drop out who obsesses over trying to "cure" Sato of his hikikimori tendencies and is proven to be emotionally abusive towards him all throughout the story. They both have this weird co-dependency on each other that leads them down to some really dark places. She also lies about being abused by her father growing up in order to get sympathy from him.

By the end, things do seem to get better for them all. But holy crap did they go through a lot to get to where they needed to be.

I want to watch the anime now.

 

[drtoboggan]

Chris Peterson, the lead character of the short-lived Get a Life TV series, a literally exceptional moron who lived with his parents and whose only job was as a newspaper delivery boy. He was staggeringly stupid to a surreal degree to the point of repeatedly getting killed in the series. Chris Elliott played the lead, and his dad, Bob Elliott (of old timey Bob & Ray fame) played his dad.

This series was ridiculously fucked up and didn't last long because it was just too weird for TV, although people from it (like Charlie Kaufman and Bob Odenkirk) went on to greater things.

Much of the humor of the show that wasn't just killing the lead character over and over was various people like his parents telling him in a variety of ways that he was a complete fucking idiot.

I loved that show. I refer to saltwater taffy as Swiss Vanilla Boo Boos because of it.

 

[5t3n0g0ph3r]

Jerid Messa from Mobile Suit Zeta Gundam.

When a viewer is first introduced to him, the show seemingly gives him all the stereotypical tropes of the rival character of the protagonist, Kamille Bidan. The show even gives him the distinction of killing Kamille's mother (though Jerid did not know this at the time).
As the show progressed, his archrival status dropped several degrees and he becomes rather pathetic.
For example,

In the process, Jerid lost two love interests while fighting Kamille:
Lila Milla Rira and Mouar Pharaoh.
Finally, he dies in a way that punctuates his failures.

 

[GethN7]

Jerid Messa from Mobile Suit Zeta Gundam.

When a viewer is first introduced to him, the show seemingly gives him all the stereotypical tropes of the rival character of the protagonist, Kamille Bidan. The show even gives him the distinction of killing Kamille's mother (though Jerid did not know this at the time).
As the show progressed, his archrival status dropped several degrees and he becomes rather pathetic.
For example,

Jerid is a Bad Ass

This entire show is about mental handicaps fighting physical handcaps.

www.youtube.com

In the process, Jerid lost two love interests while fighting Kamille:
Lila Milla Rira and Mouar Pharaoh.
Finally, he dies in a way that punctuates his failures.

Super Robot Wars games love to highlight this.

He's easily shot down cannon fodder in damn near all games, and sometimes the game send him to fight threats way the hell out of his league just to make his failure even more hilarious (like the Angels from Evangelion, practically a running gag in the first Alpha game).

One or two games let him be recruitable, but that's only after he acknowledges what a stunning fuckup he is first, which does not happen often.

 

[Fatrick Hamlinson]

Bernard Marx from Brave New World is insecure, greatly desirous of acceptance from a society he loathes, and shorter than other Alphas. He thinks he's in love with Lenina Crowne, a Beta, and when he tries to use his discovery of John the Savage to gain acclaim and admiration, it backfires on him: Lenina and the rest of the world are more interested in John, and Marx is shown to be a hypocrite when he uses his newfound status to get tail. The moment John refuses to help Bernard, everyone stops giving a fuck about him. John and another character, Helmholtz, pity him but have zero respect for him. Lenina uses him as a diversion from the man she's really interested in, and she thinks he is strange.

Marx is a lolcow.

 

[5t3n0g0ph3r]

Super Robot Wars games love to highlight this.

He's easily shot down cannon fodder in damn near all games, and sometimes the game send him to fight threats way the hell out of his league just to make his failure even more hilarious (like the Angels from Evangelion, practically a running gag in the first Alpha game).

One or two games let him be recruitable, but that's only after he acknowledges what a stunning fuckup he is first, which does not happen often.

If you played Dynasty Warriors Gundam 2 & 3, you get to relive Jerid's lolcowness. Even when he is paired up with Master Asia from G Gundam Jerid still sucks!

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Ingrid Thorburn, the title character from the film Ingrid Goes West is a pretty good example of a Beauty Parlour cow. She’s a mentally unstable attention whore who latches onto popular Instagram people when they give her a tiny bit of attention such as liking a comment she posts or replying to one.

The opening scene of the movie, for example, is Ingrid showing up at a wedding and pepper spraying the bride for not having invited her. We later find out that Ingrid and the bride didn’t even know each other, Ingrid just stalked her on social media. The reason she “goes west” like the title says? Because after finding another vapid social media whore to obsess over, she decides to move all the way to California in order to stalk her.

I COULD go into more detail about why she’s a cow, but then I’d just end up giving a plot summary of the movie. You should watch it for yourself; good film.