When I first started reading this, I thought Rufus had given up with this one and it was just going to be a dull slog to the end. The script opens with
ten. Fucking. Pages of non-stop exposition recapping the events of
Episode VIII, and this is after the opening crawl, which was designed for the specific purpose of providing quick and easy exposition and already recapped
Episode VIII for us.
Fortunately, it didn't take much longer for the hilarity to start.
So Jacen and Jaina's Masters (remember them? They were in the Ghost Nebula last time) show up where Coruscant used to be after returning from Ghost Nebula and conveniently intercept a transmission from Jacen just as they arrive that allows them to find the fleet. They're called Varda and Galagala (try saying that five times fast). Galagala is a Twi'lek and Rufus goes to great pains to point out that she's dressed like Aayla Secura because Rufus horny. Why do I get the impression this script was mostly written with one hand? It would explain all the fucking typos.
Anyway, they say they found Darth Plagueis's tomb and it's been looted and the body taken. They think this means Darth Plagueis has returned given all the shit that's been happening with Darth Rondus. They say that Darth Plagueis can only be defeated with something called the golden lightsaber, which Luke will have to go on a quest to find. When did this become fucking
Tomb Raider? At least we get more gloriously dry dialogue from Boba Fett, about the only self-aware character in this fucking script.
Anyway, the key to the location of the golden lightsaber is on a water planet called Aquarius (10/10 for imaginativeness with that name Rufus) and Luke, Han, Lando, Chewie, Jacen, Jaina, Jace and Aravis go off to find it in Lando's ship the Lady Luck.
Once they're there, everyone suits up in full-on wetsuits to go diving... except for Aravis who wears a skimpy one-piece swimsuit for no fucking reason except Rufus horny. I'm starting to think the only reason this is on a water planet is so Rufus had an excuse to have his waifu Aravis strip off again.
Anyway, they dive down, find a cave, find a clue in the cave that says the golden lightsaber is in "the place your journey began", fight off some gremlins and we get a rip-off of that scene from
The Empire Strikes Back where it turns out the cave is actually a giant slug. This post needs a separate section for "Things Rufus has ripped off" because as you'll see, it only gets worse from hereon out.
As the
Submarine Lady Luck's leaving
Sardinia Aquarius, it's caught by
the Liparus a Star Destroyer and brought on board. They're greeted by
Karl Stromberg Grand Moff Yorpty, who orders for them to be put in the cells with the crew of
another Submarine a Galactic Alliance cruiser they caught offscreen earlier... except for
Anya Aravis, who Grand Moff Yorpty says will be coming back to
Atlantis the Death Star Destroyer with him.
If you're wondering what's with the strikethroughs, it's because this entire sequence is lifted almost word for word from
The Spy Who Loved Me.
So Aravis gets taken away, leaving a distraught Jace behind. The rest of them are taken to the cells, but they start a prison break with the cruiser crew and then leave, blowing the Star Destroyer up as they go (it's called the Destructor, so it was probably asking for it). The group splits up at this point, with Jace going back to the Galactic Alliance fleet to mount a rescue mission for Aravis and Luke, Han, Lando, Chewie, Jacen and Jaina heading for Hypori, because that one clue they found on Aquarius told Luke he had to go back to fucking Hypori.
Back at the fleet, Jace and Boba Fett decide to team up to rescue Aravis, with Boba Fett pretending Jace is his prisoner he's exchanging for Aravis. This is actually a surprisingly good scene and there's some good interplay between Jace and Boba, but it's surrounded by so much crazy it can't really shine through. They get to the Death Star Destroyer, where they find Grand Moff Yorpty's put Aravis in some Sith stasis chamber which holds her in eternal sleep and has dressed her up like a doll for no fucking reason. Rufus's attitude to gender politics is on full display in this script - he introduced Aravis as a devil may care badass, but once his self-insert conquers her, she spends most of her time either stripping to her swimwear or being a damsel in distress. I think that's the saddest part about all this. Rufus thinks he's Jace, but he's actually Grand Moff Yorpty.
Anyway, we get yet another scene ripped off from
The Spy Who Loved Me where Grand Moff Yorpty tries to kill them, but he fails, Boba Fett says "You've shot your bolt, now it's our turn" and him and Jace fill Yorpty with blaster fire. They get Aravis out of the coffin and escape the Death Star Destroyer.
On Hypori, Luke, Jacen and Jaina hunt for the golden lightsaber, while Han, Lando and Chewie stay with the Lady Luck. Above Hypori, the Galactic Alliance fleet meets up with the Death Star Destroyer and the Death Star Destroyer does absolutely fucking nothing. This thing is so powerful it could wipe out the whole Galactic Alliance fleet in one stroke, but it's just sitting there.
Luke, Jacen and Jaina find a cave with a shrine, and they think they've found the golden lightsaber, but psych, it's all a trick by Darth Rondus's Master who is.... drumroll please... it's fucking Darth Plagueis because of course it is. And he's swapped out his Muun body for some kind of spider mutant one.
Darth Plagueis pulls out his quadruple lightsabers (yes, really) and challenges Luke to a fight. Darth Rondus gives Luke Anakin Skywalker's old lightsaber, which he apparently found just lying around, to help him in the fight. Darth Plagueis kills Luke almost immediately, but brings him back to life with the power he's learned from the Holocrons Darth Rondus has been gathering. He says he'll give Luke three chances to defeat him... why is this a fucking video game?
Luke loses again and is killed and resurrected. Darth Rondus goes in for the killing blow, but Anakin's old lightsaber suddenly turns into the golden lightsaber, because it turns out it was inside Luke all along. Y'know what, this script shouldn't be called
Rage of the Force, it should be called
The Man with the Golden Lightsaber. We're already got someone who apparently looks like Britt Ekland running around half-naked for no discernible reason, all we need to do now is a get a CGI Christopher Lee, an Ewok Butler and dig up Lulu to sing the theme song.
The golden lightsaber gives Luke a slight boost, but it's not quite enough. Earlier in the fight Darth Plagueis managed to knock Luke's green lightsaber out of his hand and we now start getting to the part of this whole update that caused me physical pain from laughing.
There's no way I can do this justice in a summary, so I'll just reproduce the original text here:
That's right, Rufus is now ripping off
Avengers: Endgame.
Also, remember how
@CWCissey nearly had a stroke over Han saying he wanted to train to be a Jedi and Chandler Cats joking (that's right, joking) that Han being a Jedi would be a cool idea? Turns out that was actually foreshadowing all along!
My sides are in orbit.
And we're still not done yet.
Luke, Han, Jacen and Jaina engage Darth Plagueis and Darth Rondus and we get one of the most legendary notes to a director ever written:
I don't think anyone, in the history of the
Star Wars fandom, has ever looked at a lightsaber duel and said "You know what would make this even cooler? Some 80s new wave music!"
And we're still not done yet!
Darth Plagueis gets tired of the lightsaber duel, and uses his powers to resurrect an entire army of Sith Warriors. They bear down on their heroes, and all hope looks lost, when:
And it turns out that all the Jedi who died previously have been resurrected just like in
Endgame. This is apparently because Darth Plagueis doesn't know how to use the powers he has, so he accidentally resurrected the Jedi along with the Sith. So Rufus can't even rip off
Endgame right because he needs his villain to be as incompetent as Dick fucking Dastardly. I did notice that the resurrected Jedi didn't include Mace Windu, so apparently Darth Plagueis's resurrection magic has a "No darkies" policy.
So then there's a big battle, our heroes fight side by side and there's a rip-off of Gimli's "Never thought I'd die fighting with an Elf" line with Han and Boba Fett, but to be fair, it's kind of lampshaded.
Up on the Death Star Destroyer (which is still just fucking sitting there through the whole fucking battle), Grand Moff Yorpty is still alive somehow and turns the Death Star Destroyer on Hypori. He fires it, but all the Jedi on the planet manage to use the force to hurl the superlaser back at the Death Star Destroyer, blowing it up. We also get our second swearing joke of the trilogy:
Eh, at least it wasn't another fucking exhaust vent.
Eventually, Darth Plagueis manages to master his powers and tries to use them to wipe out the Jedi, but PLOT TWIST Darth Rondus cuts him down (thought you needed the golden lightsaber to do that) and absorbs Plagueis's power. Then this happens:
This is where I nearly cracked a rib from laughing.
So Luke uses the power to destroy the Sith, but dies in the process. I don't even know why I'm typing up this summary, just go read the Wikipedia synopsis for
Endgame and replace all the Avengers with
Star Wars characters.
Everyone mourns Luke, but Ben says there's hope and then... something happens where all the Jedi who were resurrected are absorbed into Luke and he comes back to life. I don't even know what's going on anymore, my brain's become mush.
The script ends with Jace and Aravis getting married on Tatooine. So this entire story of the Trilogy is capped off with Jace getting laid? Why do I suddenly get the feeling this should be playing over the end credits instead of the
Star Wars ending theme?:
The final shot is Luke, Leia and the ghosts of Obi Wan, Yoda and Anakin watching the twin suns set. It's a nice moment, I'll admit. Lord knows Leia does fuck all else in these scripts. Just a shame the path to get here is so... well, Rufus.
and get excited though, because this is the hardest I've ever laughed at a Rufus update, and I still haven't read everything I've been sent.
