Hi guys, it's been a while. I've made a point of staying off KF, but I figured you deserve an update.
After I posted the "Letter to Kiwi Farms" video explaining that my delusion was over, I started frantically searching for a new job and new place to live. Having lost my kushy corporate gig, I couldn't afford my apartment anymore.
My mood plunged from mania to extreme depression very quickly. I was overwhelmed by the job/housing search, dismayed at everything I was losing, and brimming with shame over my actions. I tried to end my life first by going to a gun range and renting a pistol to shoot myself--I was too chicken to pull the trigger--and second by slashing my arm with a pocket knife, which didn't cause me to bleed out, as I had intended, but instead just resulted in a lot of stitches and a couple of unsightly scars.
The suicide attempt landed me back in the psych ward (all in all, I was admitted to the psych ward 6 times), from which they transferred me to a group home for mental health rehabilitation. However, I persistently drank alcohol while there, despite several warnings (I was miserable and still suicidal) so I was kicked out and sent back to the psych ward. This time they referred me to rehab.
I was depressed to the point of basically not functioning. Just to get me off their hands, the rehab transferred me to another rehab. When I got to this new rehab, though, I just couldn't bear starting my 30 day treatment all over, so I caught an Uber and had it take me to a motel (since I was homeless at this point). I stayed at the motel for a few days drinking myself silly, until eventually the motel management called the cops on me (I don't remember what I did to elicit this response) and I was carted off to the psych ward again.
From the psych ward I was transferred to yet another rehab. While I was at this rehab I managed to sneak into the office and get my phone, which I used to call an uber and go to a liquor store. I remember very little, but the police report says that i was found unresponsive in a snow bank and taken to a hospital. Apparently I just pulled out the IV and walked out of the hospital without being discharged, and caught an Uber back to rehab. Thankfully, the rehab let me stay, since the alternative was admission into a locked facility.
After improving mentally and graduating rehab, I was referred to a low-intensity residential treatment center for a 3-month program, which is where I am now. They encourage us to get out and work. I got a job at the Home Depot and worked there for like 1.5 months (lots of physical labor, good for whipping me into shape). I then was hired for a better-paying desk job (I'm not going to specify title or company or even industry out of an abundance of caution). Today was my first day, and it went well.
I only have 2 more weeks at the treatment center, and then I'm moving to a fully-furnished room for rent in a house. The house is pretty nice; professionally cleaned twice a month, and smart TVs in every bedroom. Not bad for $650/month everything included.
I really miss my old job. It paid much better than my new one. I also miss my apartment. But I've been slowly coming to accept that those things are gone. I also still feel tremendous shame over what I did to my parents. I can only apologize so many times; the real amends will be staying off drugs and alcohol, remaining an independent adult, and never doing anything like this ever again.
I think that's about all. I'll stick around to answer any questions for a bit, but then I plan on ghosting KF again.
Yours, Blinsk
