My kids finally discuss their dad
I've got two little boys, both still in elementary school. A few years ago (vague-ish, to protect my family) my "it's just a fetish, I swear" crossdressing/AGP/ABDL/furry/BDSM ex transitioned "from an ugly guy into the princess [he] was always supposed to be". We'd been together over a decade and a half. My ex gave ZERO consideration - no, honestly, less than zero, it went into negative numbers - on how that would affect the rest of us. The mental, financial, emotional, spiritual, (for all of us) and sexual abuse (of me) got impossible to deal with. The physical abuse (of all of us) started ramping up. My ex was diagnose with NPD by TWO counselors. That went over about as well as you'd expect.
(EDIT: I tried. I was a FANTASTIC libfem. I joined all kinds of support groups. I read-read-read and spouted the bullshit on command. But... I had questions. And concerns.)
I found this sub. I started fighting back with facts. My ex DID NOT LIKE. NO NO NO. NO FACTS. And then, after my individual therapist basically forced me to realize we were being abused, I started calling out the abuse in couple's therapy.
I come home one day from picking up the kids and my ex is gone. No letter. Nothing. He'd been threatening suicide (again) so I assumed the worst. We did eventually get a call. The MTT individual he'd been cheating on me with (second affair!) had "rescued" him. He left the state because - get this - I was abusing HIM. Me, speaking facts, was abuse. Him, LITERALLY ABUSING US ACCORDING TO THE ABUSE WHEEL was "gender dysphoria gone awry" and also because I was "just so mean". He claimed that taking the HRT made him "not like that" and that "[deadname] was dead, why should [ex] suffer for HIS choices?"
Throughout this all... the kids just did their best. I already had them in therapy but we found a different, better therapist as the previous therapist had thrown ALL IN on Dad's transition and would scold them for slipping up.
My ex wanted them to call him "Mommy" and threw fits when they wouldn't. My ex threw fits when I taught them basic fucking biology, saying that they should've learned gender theory FIRST. For a fucking FOUR YEAR OLD.
They were in therapy recently. Their dad's been around a lot, as the divorce is ramping up. Sobbing about how much he misses them (he never contacts them unless he's in town. They refuse to call him or email him and he blames me for this.) They're scared of him because he still can't control his fucking temper. They think he's weird and too emotional and unstable. They don't want to visit him over the summer unless I go too. It's... awful.
Sometimes the boys have me sit in the back of the room during their therapy. Usually when they want extra support. After some gentle prodding, my youngest said, "I don't want to talk about trans bullshit. EVER."
The therapist, being the awesome dude he is, gently prodded some more.
This is what came out:
My youngest was FURIOUS. He hates the transition. He blames the transition for "killing Daddy" (something my ex told them happened, that [New Name] killed [Dead Name].) "Daddy was mean and scary THEN AND NOW! Daddy says he changed taking the medicine BUT HE DIDN'T!"
He ranted for a few minutes about how Daddy is lying to everyone because taking pills can change your body but it "doesn't change your XX or your XY. Those are your legos, they make YOU and you can't CHANGE THAT!" (Did I show him a bunch of YouTube videos on genetics over the past three years? Why, yes, yes I did.) He followed that up by declaring anyone who thinks changing their body changes their DNA to be "fucking stupid".
I was tempted to chide him for cursing, but this was a rant, and part of the deal of therapy with me observing is that I have to keep my mouth shut unless asked, so I decided to do just that.
So after a few minutes of ranting about Daddy and people like Daddy being stupid liars, he then went on a tangent about how the old therapist wouldn't let him hate Daddy or Daddy's transition or anything trans and how it wasn't FAIR. How at school the counselor and nurse tried to convince him that Daddy transitioning was a good thing and how it wasn't. How it wasn't fair that Daddy forgave himself for all the abuse (paraphrasing here) and tried to pawn it off on being trans. How it wasn't nice to me, because Mommy is a girl and girls can do anything they set their minds to do, but it was like Daddy was making fun of me and other girls because as soon as he transitioned suddenly he couldn't do chores or roughhouse because he'd break a nail. How Daddy would lay on the floor and sob because someone knew he was really a boy and why was it so wrong to be a boy?!
Then he got really quiet and said, "I love Daddy. I love him because he's my daddy but he's weird and gross and mean and he's a fake and a liar and everyone can see it BUT HIM and I... I don't like him! love him cuz he's my daddy but I hate him! I HATE HIM. And no one will LET ME HATE HIM and half the time it's cuz of trans bullshit it's NOT FAIR. I don't EVER EVER EVER want to talk about it AGAIN. NEVER!"
He refused to talk anymore that session. So their therapist looked to my oldest and said, "Do you feel the same?"
And my oldest said, "Yeah. Except [Youngest's Name] forgot one thing." There was this long pause why their therapist waited. My kid sighed and he said, "We have to lie to him. I hate it. We can't tell him the truth about anything or our feelings or anything because he'd flip out. He's trying to buy us. He left us and he comes back and he takes gross selfies with us and tries to tell us he's still our dad and nothing's changed. And the gifts and stuff are nice. But underneath you know if you do or you say the wrong thing, he's gonna fall on the floor and start crying again or flip shit. Mom gets mad but if you don't kiss up to her she just laughs. I called her fat on accident last week and she said not to tell other people they were fat but yeah, fat is a fact of life. But if you tell dad he's anything but beautiful... it's bad." Then he said, "I don't feel safe around Dad. [Brother] doesn't either. Mom is safe. Dad isn't. And I just wish he'd go away. Like you wanna grow boobs and chop off your penis, whatever. Come at christmas or whatever. But leave us alone."
Their therapist let them sit in that for a few and moved on to other topics.
When the session was done, I went home and continued my momming to the best of my ability. But the way my youngest just... screamed... just broke... has haunted me for weeks now. He's been a little dramatic most of his life. Ive watched him try the same manipulation tactics my ex uses. trying them out like gloves to see if they get him what he wants. My oldest is more likely to hit himself, to pound his head into walls, to say he's useless and stupid and a loser (all things their dad has said, though... at a slant. Not exactly to them, just in their general vicinity, about how they do things. Just enough off to be plausible deniability, really.)
But the way my youngest melted down... and he's not wrong. That's the thing. I avoid the topic whenever I can because I'm still in the middle of a divorce and don't want to be accused of anything. But I can't HIDE the past. I just try to teach them biology and tell them that their feelings matter, that their beliefs matter.
But everyone else around them just overrides me and tells them... no. Your abusive father who abandoned you? HIS feelings matter MORE. You don't get to talk about your experiences. Only HE gets to dictate your experience. Shut up and go along with it, kid.
And I think that's honestly the hardest part for me. Because when society itself is telling you that what you're feeling is wrong, that the person who wronged you is the victim... how do you fucking grow up with that?! How?!
guess that was a peak trans.
