2020 Coronavirus Merch Run

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The year is 2040. Caving to social pressure, the United States Congress authorizes paramilitary action against the headquarters of Final Solutions LLC, the secretive umbrella firm for an international conglomerate that has grown to include its own underground datacenter network, social media platform, mortgage lender, and supermarket chain.

A team of masked Special Forces operatives takes up their positions outside the target location — a suite in a forgotten Florida stripmall. The captain approaches to plant shaping charges on the door, squinting to see through the tinted glass. He raises the first lump of C4 and slaps it on the doorframe.

In that instant, the entire storefront bursts from inside. It is not an explosion that erupts and wipes out the raiders, no — the storefront simply gives way to the pressure that had built up inside over the decades. All of Fort Walton Beach is swept away in a tsunami of hate mail, poorly-written pro se complaints, and Isabelle amiibos that are encrusted with something gross.

Barb has not yet died.
 
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Off the phone with the Risk team.

1. Only orders placed on the business day of April 6th were not settled. If you placed an order on April 6th (about 50 orders), you should receive your money back. You will be getting an email from the system when I cancel your order. If you placed your order on the business day of April 6th and do not receive a cancellation email, contact me.

2. Settled funds from prior business days will be held up to 120 days.

3. This decision was made by a bank she could not name for reasons she could not name, citing only they "cannot support our business model".

4. I will get a callback from a senior risk manager within 48 hours but she warns me they cannot say anything more than what I've already been told.


I will be refunding affected orders. My priority is to try and speed up the settlement. Otherwise, I may have to ask for printing and fulfillment on credit.

This affects 5% of sales.

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The senior risk manager called and told me nothing new, except that the funds are eligible for release as early as 30 days depending on some factors I don't have much control over.

The best thing you can do is, if you've placed your order, to just be patient. You will get your stuff.

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TO CLARIFY: I was very explicit but people are still confused. If I refunded your transaction, you will receive that money back quickly. The 30 to 120 day hold is for settled money to be sent to me. If you are being refunded, you do not have to wait.
 
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Null said:
Off the phone with the Risk team.

1. Only orders placed on the business day of April 6th were not settled. If you placed an order on April 6th (about 50 orders), you should receive your money back. You will be getting an email from the system when I cancel your order. If you placed your order on the business day of April 6th and do not receive a cancellation email, contact me.

2. Settled funds from prior business days will be held up to 120 days.

3. This decision was made by a bank she could not name for reasons she could not name, citing only they "cannot support our business model".

4. I will get a callback from a senior risk manager within 48 hours but she warns me they cannot say anything more than what I've already been told.


I will be refunding affected orders. My priority is to try and speed up the settlement. Otherwise, I may have to ask for printing and fulfillment on credit.

This affects 5% of sales.
Click to expand...

I'd say sue them into the ground for this, but the banks are a law unto themselves.
 
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Null said:
2. Settled funds from prior business days will be held up to 120 days.

3. This decision was made by a bank she could not name for reasons she could not name, citing only they "cannot support our business model".
Click to expand...
That is fucking appalling. For clarification, are funds from the pre-April 6 sales safe and sound, or is all the money in limbo?

e: Sorry, I can’t read. I’m used to merchant accounts where any proceeds from payment card transactions hit a linked bank account within 2 business days. Fuck.
 
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