Autism you witnessed IRL - share your stories

[Distant Stare]

I keep opening this thread expecting to read about myself

 

[The Un-Clit]

My little brother. He’s taller than me but younger. He communicates by typing and sometimes uses PECS cards for things like signaling the bathroom or that he’s hungry. He found some funny ways to use the bathroom card but I’ll get to that later.

he has an adorable stimming behavior he does when he’s happy. He doesnt flap unless he’s upset so when he is happy he squats down low and claps once and stands up straight and claps above his head. Pure autism.

As a big sister it’s my job to mess with him but I only do it in private and don’t post videos cuz hello privacy matters. so here’s what I do.

I untie his shoelaces. He chimps out.
I tell him Optimus Prime sucks. He yells “nawwwww” at me, it’s his version of no.
Sometimes I put olives on his plate when I give him food. He hates olives and throws them at me. It’s a game now so he laughs but he used to get mad.
I say “you’re excused” for no reason. He looks at me like I have snakes for hair.

He messes with me right back so it’s not like I’m always the starter.
Bro likes to stick his ass towards me and fart as loud as he can. Then he hands me his toilet card. Not because he has to go, he’s commenting on the smell.
He shoves my food to the back of the fridge and I have to move stuff around to find it.
the random yelling! Be absorbed in a book or tv and suddenly he goes “BLEEAAAAAAAH!” It takes the soul out of you.
He shows me the bathroom card if I say “shit” near him.

I love my bro.

Look at this shit. Nearly a perfect sweep of "Dawwwwwww!!!!!!!!" reactions. Kiwis are secretly the softest motherfuckers on the planet. This is the hive of the Internet Hate Machine and Tranny Suicide training center? Get the fuck outta here!

I unironically love and would have sex with every one of you so called Nazi incel niggerbaiters and tardhaters.

 

[The Un-Clit]

Autism in the grocery store about 3 years ago:

So one day I was at a Great Canadian Superstore, which is a Canada-wide chain analogous to Walmart in the U.S. as in they sell pretty much everything. They often have the best prices for groceries so one day I was meeting a friend for a night of bad behaviour and I and decided to grab a few snacks while I was on the way over so I pulled into this unfamiliar Superstore and grabbed some items.

Going to the checkout area, I could see that there was 3 regular and 2 'express' lanes open. 4 of the lanes were stowed, backed up into the aisles, but one of the express lanes was completely empty, except for an Asian woman wearing a jean skirt. I thought i'd be home free, dodge the lines and out the door, so I get in behind her and start putting my shit on the conveyer belt. which dosen't move. Because the Asian woman infront of me who had a huge load of pet food of different types and brands, and a big coupon book, was arguing over EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIN squeaking in an incredibly high pitched voice, and the young girl working the till was looking about 10 seconds from crying or quitting, was going over every single item pricewise and all the discount offers of buy x for y price shit with this bird chirping woman.

5 mins pass. 10 mins...the other lines have all refreshed by now, I could swear a few people looked over at me pityingly. I guess they all were regular shoppers here and knew the drill, and exactly which bitch to NOT be in line behind.

Finally it was down to the last couple items, and the woman is starting to chimp right out over 50c she is being improperly charged. After 10 mins of this I first called to her and said "hey miss, if it's 50c your worried about, I'll cover it!" She ignores me and keeps chimping at this poor girl, who has developed the thousand-yard-stare of a Viet Nam war veteran by this point. I even shook her on the shoulder and repeated my offer, and she completely ignored me to twitter at the cashier some more. I am sure it wasn't the first time someone had done this with her. By now nearly HALF AN HOUR I had been sitting in this fucking line behind this autistic bitch. I finally just engaged the cashier and gave her the money that this fucking aspie refused to do. She smiled in relief, put the woman's reciept in the bag and rolled it down the conveyer belt so that she would have no choice but to leave the cashier area who cheerfully said 'okay, all good now, thank you for shopping at SuperStore! to the 'tard as she chased her bags of pet food down the bagging area.

I got my shit rung up, in 20 seconds flat, the girl closed the till after me (and probably went to murder her managers in the break room) and last I saw of the jeanskirted azn she was marching up to the customer service desk, bag in one hand reciept in the other getting ready to lay down some autistic birdsong and waste more of her (and the staff's) day.

I gots many more, one fairly spicy with lots of retard sex, but I will have to post it later when my vodka level is high enough.

 

[Jason Wynn]

Autism in the grocery store about 3 years ago:

So one day I was at a Great Canadian Superstore, which is a Canada-wide chain analogous to Walmart in the U.S. as in they sell pretty much everything. They often have the best prices for groceries so one day I was meeting a friend for a night of bad behaviour and I and decided to grab a few snacks while I was on the way over so I pulled into this unfamiliar Superstore and grabbed some items.

Going to the checkout area, I could see that there was 3 regular and 2 'express' lanes open. 4 of the lanes were stowed, backed up into the aisles, but one of the express lanes was completely empty, except for an Asian woman wearing a jean skirt. I thought i'd be home free, dodge the lines and out the door, so I get in behind her and start putting my shit on the conveyer belt. which dosen't move. Because the Asian woman infront of me who had a huge load of pet food of different types and brands, and a big coupon book, was arguing over EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIN squeaking in an incredibly high pitched voice, and the young girl working the till was looking about 10 seconds from crying or quitting, was going over every single item pricewise and all the discount offers of buy x for y price shit with this bird chirping woman.

5 mins pass. 10 mins...the other lines have all refreshed by now, I could swear a few people looked over at me pityingly. I guess they all were regular shoppers here and knew the drill, and exactly which bitch to NOT be in line behind.

Finally it was down to the last couple items, and the woman is starting to chimp right out over 50c she is being improperly charged. After 10 mins of this I first called to her and said "hey miss, if it's 50c your worried about, I'll cover it!" She ignores me and keeps chimping at this poor girl, who has developed the thousand-yard-stare of a Viet Nam war veteran by this point. I even shook her on the shoulder and repeated my offer, and she completely ignored me to twitter at the cashier some more. I am sure it wasn't the first time someone had done this with her. By now nearly HALF AN HOUR I had been sitting in this fucking line behind this autistic bitch. I finally just engaged the cashier and gave her the money that this fucking aspie refused to do. She smiled in relief, put the woman's reciept in the bag and rolled it down the conveyer belt so that she would have no choice but to leave the cashier area who cheerfully said 'okay, all good now, thank you for shopping at SuperStore! to the 'tard as she chased her bags of pet food down the bagging area.

I got my shit rung up, in 20 seconds flat, the girl closed the till after me (and probably went to murder her managers in the break room) and last I saw of the jeanskirted azn she was marching up to the customer service desk, bag in one hand reciept in the other getting ready to lay down some autistic birdsong and waste more of her (and the staff's) day.

I gots many more, one fairly spicy with lots of retard sex, but I will have to post it later when my vodka level is high enough.

Seriously though, what the fuck is it with Asians being the rudest, most entitled cuntbags when shopping? You'd think it would be old white boomers or hood rat niggos bring the worst, but it's always the chinks. It was that way when I worked retail, and whenever I'm out shopping, most of the rude customers or the ones most autistic and refusing to act in any way polite I see are the chinks.

Rant over, care to share your retard sex story?

 

[booklover]

This poor cashier I had to watch deal with two tards that didn't have a wrangler with them last night.

Waiting in line behind these two women with a cartful of groceries. They'd only put two or three items on the belt at once, wait to be scanned and charged before repeating the process. One of them kept flailing her arms and the other one kept squeakung a sort of "uhhh uhhh uhh!" sound and pointing at certain items shaking her head. The cashier thought she wanted the items voided out and did so, both women started doing their retarded jumping jack arm thing and making the sound.

The cashier said she didn't understand what they wanted, and was already getting annoyed having to only ring up two or three items at a time instead if the entire cart. One retard was able to say "paper" and point randomly. The cashier said "oh, are you deaf? I'm so sorry, here" and got a notepad and pen for them.

Retard #1 flung the notepad off the counter, made the "uhhhh uhhhh" noise, grabbed the cashier's hand and directed it towards her fucking cash register receipt paper and started digging out her wallet.

The cashier said "you want my receipt tape?" to which they both vigorously replied "yuh huh huh huh" Now clearly exasperated, the cashier said "you're not having my receipt tape" to which they started rolling their heads and going "ouyyyy oyyyyyy" finally the cashier calls the manager and lets him deal with the retards.

I could have moved to a different line but I didn't want to miss the show.

Hmmmm. This reminds me of the people who burn American flags because they want to make a viral You Tube video.

 

[FuckedUp]

Hmmmm. This reminds me of the people who burn American flags because they want to make a viral You Tube video.

Flag burning is based.

 

[tampax pearl]

Not technically IRL but I knew an autist(?) on Discord who believed he was the son of a god, had a contract with Leviathan or something, and really liked boats. I mean, dude loved boats and minecraft like nothing else. So what does the tard do?

Post his fucking minecraft ship builds in a navy Discord server. He got memed on for it and went to try to make a cult or some shit because he thought he could make Leviathan destroy all naval vessels to prevent war.. I guess? I explained to him that no, what he was describing was terrorism, and he should not do that. Figured telling him he wasn't the son of a god wasn't worth it because he was too deep into that shit to convince otherwise. He also had this theory about spiritual forging, whatever the hell that is. I might still have the screenshots if you want a laugh. Same dude told me he shits himself a few times a month.

Here's a screenshot if you wanna see the shit this dude was up to.

 

[bothiggedyhog]

i'm good friends with an undiagnosed. the best moment was him in the mcdonalds drive through asking for 2 pumps (brand of water)
he said, "can I get two pumps please"
we cracked up laughing in the back seat
"...of water"
made it much better honestly

 

[Buxinator]

Ok I hope this one won't bite me in the ass, because the protagonist of the following story is could be a farmer.

In the last year I started dating a girl which lives together with a diagnosed aspie. We didn't had much contact but there were some encounters which changed the mood of the evening.

He was enlisted to studying IT but due to his lack of motivation and focus of playing video games all night, he failed and started to work as an assistant in some IT related company. Somehow he got the opportunity to work from home which doesn't help him much. Besides video games he is addicted to porn and has a fetish of smelling his own farts and rating them. This is so intense, that he has a hairdryer on his desk and one in his bed, which he turns on, presses it against his butt, farts and then smells it, if it is a stinky one, he also starts yelling, that this one is a 10.

He is usually naked and dresses only in a bathrobe, which he throws over whenever he knows that someone else is in the shared apartment. But after we knew each other he'd skip that from time to time unfortunately.

I had several encounters where he would leave his room to go to the bathroom and it was obvious, that he was watching porn. Sometimes he also started to smack the back of a chair with his dick and shouting, that this is his chair, before disappearing. Besides the regular farts, I remember one encounter especially: he made some chili con carne and used two Carolina reapers. He ate all of it but was either too dumb to realise what was coming or didn't care, but he was standing in the kitchen, washing his dishes and started farting. He chuckled all the time and said that his butthole was burning. Then he lifted his leg and pressed and shit himself. He started immediately screaming: "Oh fuck, I just shit myself!" And then started screaming because the heat of the reaper kicked in, and try to run as quick to the bathroom as possible.

Later I found out, that the girl I dated had this weird complex, that she needed to take care about someone and that was the end of dating. I don't know what the guy is up to, but I think he is doing ok. Probably he is beating his meat right now to some weird porn.

 

[Boris Blank's glass eye]

I remembered some wanker I shared some courses with through my freshman year. I don't think he qualifies for the school stories thread, since I don't have any stories involving him, and he doesn't qualify for the personal lolcows either, since he'd have to be someone else's lolcow if he was a personal one.

This guy was a wrangler-less tard, I'm certain he had some medical condition. Looked like a soy-filled version of Vincent d'Onofrio (Private Pyle) from Full Metal Jacket.

Never introduced himself. Never said or did anything during classes aside from taking notes. Probably. Never ever interacted with any of the professors or his fellow students either. What he did was staring at girls, in the creepiest way possible, eyes wide open, blinking maybe once or twice a minute. The kind of guy you just know sniffs the seats after class, and sneaks into the women's toilets to lick the seats cleaner than the staff ever could.

I never met or saw him after my freshman year, so I have no idea where he ended up, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was the sex offender registry.

I also have some wild stories from my current workplace, but those involve certified nutjobs: I quit my uni job to work for my gov't evaluating disabilities applications. There's probably a proper word in English for this kind of agency or position, but right now I'm too lazy to research it.

 

[Buxinator]

I also have some wild stories from my current workplace,

Sharing is caring, please go ahead and tell them

 

[John Andrews Stan]

I also have some wild stories from my current workplace, but those involve certified nutjobs: I quit my uni job to work for my gov't evaluating disabilities applications.

This sounds VERY promising. Share away, please!

 

[NerdShamer]

This poor cashier I had to watch deal with two tards that didn't have a wrangler with them last night.

Waiting in line behind these two women with a cartful of groceries. They'd only put two or three items on the belt at once, wait to be scanned and charged before repeating the process. One of them kept flailing her arms and the other one kept squeakung a sort of "uhhh uhhh uhh!" sound and pointing at certain items shaking her head. The cashier thought she wanted the items voided out and did so, both women started doing their retarded jumping jack arm thing and making the sound.

The cashier said she didn't understand what they wanted, and was already getting annoyed having to only ring up two or three items at a time instead if the entire cart. One retard was able to say "paper" and point randomly. The cashier said "oh, are you deaf? I'm so sorry, here" and got a notepad and pen for them.

Retard #1 flung the notepad off the counter, made the "uhhhh uhhhh" noise, grabbed the cashier's hand and directed it towards her fucking cash register receipt paper and started digging out her wallet.

The cashier said "you want my receipt tape?" to which they both vigorously replied "yuh huh huh huh" Now clearly exasperated, the cashier said "you're not having my receipt tape" to which they started rolling their heads and going "ouyyyy oyyyyyy" finally the cashier calls the manager and lets him deal with the retards.

I could have moved to a different line but I didn't want to miss the show.

So did they drive the manager insane?

 

[Boris Blank's glass eye]

Sharing is caring, please go ahead and tell them

Sure, why not? Please keep in mind there are often legitimate tragedies behind these cases, but then again, we - the case handlers - too have our Walls of Glory and Shame.

Spoiler: gubmint conspiracy victim

There's this infamous case, a woman nuttier than squirrel shit.

She's very insistent on being the victim of some Grand Gubmint Conspiracy, re-telling the same story of her almost being run over by Secret Agent Dressed in Pure Black. The details change with every telling - the colour and manufacturer of said car, how the agent looked, where the alleged incident took place, et cetera.
She also claims her children - the very children she gave birth to, which she admits - are no longer her children. No, the ebil gubmint didn't take them. It weren't the UFOs or the father or the father's family either - all of whom she tosses into the mix - no, they just aren't her children any longer. She doesn't give any reason as to why this is, but she details the births of every one of her children. Date of birth, place of birth, birthing method, the attending OB/GYN's name, how long she was in hospital every time, the children's SS numbers, every single fucking thing.
She either submits a new letter every day, detailing all this, or visits the fucking office to re-tell it and write all of it down. Her letters are covered in words. I mean it. Writes a page full, flips it vertically, then writes it full again, next page, repeat the same, takes a fresh sheet of paper, repeat the same.
Last time she visited she went "Some people think I'm a man, oh woe is me! OH WAIT A SEC, I'LL JUST SHOW YOU I'M NOT A MAN!" We obviously assured her we knew she was a woman, and she didn't have to show us anything, no ma'am, just give us your letter and fuck off.

I'm... not sure we can stop her next time.

Spoiler: better be safe

Another woman, probably definitely in need of an appointed guardian.
So, our gibs has three conditions of eligibility.

1. The applicant must be disabled, either mentally, or phisically. Straight enough. Being fat, alcoholic, or having asthma, hay fever, GERD, high BP, an aching back are not disabilities. Renal failure, Parkinsonism, gradual loss of toes, all stemming from diabetes and alcoholism? That's disability. Whether an applicant is disabled or not and the exact rate of disability is assessed by a professional committee.
2. The applicant must be out of work. Another simple thing. However,
3. The applicant must have had ample time under insurance, meaning X days in the last Y years. Typically means the applicant must have paid their taxes and thus gained insurance. This is Europe, the cost of single-payer insurance is taken out of our taxes.

So, there's this batshit insane woman. Our head of department had to spend hours on the phone with her on multiple occasions, and she still didn't understand why her application was rejected: it was condition 3, she quit her last job in the early 2000s, and that's far too early for our process. The most we go back is 15 years, and even that is too generous IMO.

Anyway, this lady really couldn't understand why her application was rejected, so she went to court. And she submitted two more regular applications. And she submitted a special application, reserved for people who kind of fulfill these conditions and several more.

Needless to say, one of her regular applications will be rejected, and the other, along with the special one will be dismissed. And she's going to be left wih a hefty bill by a cunning lawyer. Plus the cost of the court process when she eventually loses the case. Sucks to be her.

Spoiler: In Spain, rain stays mostly on the plain

There was this deaf guy. Why do I know he is deaf? His writing and spelling is fucking atrocious. Why do I know how his writing is? Well...

He submitted an application via a trustee. That's fine and dandy, not a unique case, it often happens with bed-ridden people. Then, when he was notified his application was incomplete, and he needed to submit his medical paperwork to be evaluated, he didn't reply at all. The assessment is usually done via summons, but COVID-19 forced us and the committe to do it via paperwork.

Back to this guy. So, not replying to notices like this is grounds for dismissal, so his application was dismissed. Then, weeks later, the agency receives international mail, several letters from Spain. This faggot explained he was "stuck in Spain" and "couldn't get any paperwork to the agency" and "please give me advise what to do and how to solve this incredibly difficult situation". He also wrote something about "staying with a Basque woman". A colleague read it as "staying with a Dear old friend", but I chose the first one because it's infinitely funnier than the story of an old friend. We politely informed his trustee he could go fuck himself, there's nothing he can do outside of returning home.

Fucker had to choose to stay in Spain, because this was well into the COVID-19 shitshow, weeks after the gov't got everyone who wanted to home.

Spoiler: inmates

There are several inmates whose files are thicker than the average book. They usually can't fulfill any of our conditions - which are set in laws - but this doesn't stop them submitting their applications every fucking year. And we are forced to treat them as entirely new cases, and go through the complete process to dismiss or reject them. There are times when an inmate turns into a pettifogger, because the same familiar barely legible borderline illiterate writing adorns fresh new applications submitted by people who never knew our agency existed.

One of them demanded a video conference for his examination. We called the prison physician who explained "he's not quite right in the head, but aside from that, nothing special. No paperwork, though, and I'm not a qualified specialist to diagnose him with anything".

It was left at that, his demands and application dismissed.

Spoiler: assblasted housewife

There was a woman who wrote a short letter on her application. Paraphrasing: "Yes, I indeed live with my husband, but I divorced his cheating ass 13 years ago. No, I didn't take him to court, no, we didn't officially divorce, neither of us can afford a separate home. That pig always leaves early in the morning, goes away to fuck his goddamn gonorrhea-ridden whores, and doesn't come home for days!"

I mean yeah, that's horrible, but what the fuck does she want from us? Why the fuck does she share something like this with complete strangers, who can't do jack shit about it? What the fuck do I care, especially when sob stories like this are dime a dozen? Just leave his cheating ass, lady.

At least it made a fine addition to our wall of glory.

Spoiler: die-hard commie

This was an old guy, sixty-ish, visiting the office to submit his shit. Why though, when he could send it in via mail or various gov't approved electronic channels? Why would he risk getting the Coof, especially at his age?

Because the "thuggish mercenary agents of the imperialo-capitalistic international bourgeoisie wanted to take his heroic past as a Worker of the People" and "use it to undermine the People's Revolution against the forces of international investment banker vultures circling around the corpse of our Once Great Nation". Wouldn't hand over the envelope he held unless we swore by Lenin to protect him and the International Proletariat.

Kicker? His application was rejected. Never worked a single fucking day in his life.

Edit: well shit, almost forgot. I'll collect a few more if I can. Let me know if you're interested.
We mostly got letters during the lockdown, but now, with that being lifted soon, maybe more crazies will decide to visit us.

 

[Jeff Boomhauer]

There was this partially deaf kid that lived in a room across from me during my Sophomore year of college. Whenever he learned that Obama was getting reelected, he ree'd so loudly that almost the entire floor had opened their doors to find out what was going on. This dude just TRASHED his room, including knocking over his roommate's table and ripping some of the stuffing out of his mattress (his anime games were untouched, though). He was constantly yelling, "I WON'T BE ABLE TO AFFORD ANYTHING!!!" despite not having a job, and saying he was going to assassinate Obama once he got a car. The RA had to show up and wrangle him, it was so bad.

 

[Broseph]

There's a guy who is also a regular at the corner store I go to. Looks kind of like John Denver, always wears a cowboy hat and an army fatigue jacket. He's nice enough, but he's one of those people I think has mild autism who just likes to talk and talk and talk, and doesn't pick up on any cues you try giving to disengage from the conversation and be on your way. Guy once happily spent almost 15 minutes telling me about the origins of the phrase "catch-22" after I had affirmed that I'd read the Joseph Heller novel before.

Can't bring myself to get irritated with him. It can be annoying when he keeps on sperging when I want to get home and enjoy my snacks or smokes, but I get the feeling he's just some lonely dude who's happy someone pays attention to him.

There was this really weird guy like that who used to work at my store. He was in his 40's and worked as a cart pusher because he lost his previous job as a bus driver because "he was misdiagnosed with a sleep apnea". We were pretty sure he had some form of autism because he would always spend more time chatting with random customers and other employees instead of collecting carts, and he was hard to understand because half the shit he said just sounded like incoherent gibberish, not to mention he would often fall asleep for 30-40 minutes in the breakroom when he was supposed to be on a 15 minute break.

One time he told me about his "criminal record" because he got arrested for trying to take home a prostitute in a bar who was really a cop. He told me this like it was a funny story and he had me google his name so I could see his mugshot.

He eventually got fired because he was stealing those Gatorade pouch things that you dissolve in water that only cost $0.50, he apparently had stolen at least a dozen of those when they fired him.

Guy was fucking weird.

 

[Broseph]

A few years ago I walked inside a Gamestop (back when I used to shop there sporadically) and some sperg with his friend was talking to the only employee inside the store about the time he dressed up as Dr. Insano at some convention. He literally talked about it the entire 10 minutes I was in the store.

A couple weeks ago I was coming out of the Dollar Tree and as I getting into my car, I saw this guy pulling into the lot and parking right next to me. His car was covered in Pokemon stickers and he had all these Pokemon toys (glued?) to his dashboard and he was even wearing a Pokemon hat.

 

[Broseph]

I don’t think this girl had autism, but her obsession with the Nicolas Cage Ghost Rider movie sure as hell was autistic. I sat behind her in a math class and after she saw it the first time she seldom shut the fuck up about it. Ended up knowing everything about that movie before I actually saw it a few months later.

Sounds like my sister back when the first Spider-Man movie came out. She had such an autistic obsession with Spider-Man/Tobey Maguire that she even tore out all the pictures of Spidey from my Nintendo Power magazine and made up some bullshit that her "friend's brother had the same magazine and gave it to her" but yet she couldn't come up with a reason as to why my magazine had the same pages missing. She even bought an "autographed" picture of Tobey from Ebay for like $20, totally convinced that it was really signed by him when it was clearly a scammer selling fake autographed pictures.

 

[SIGSEGV]

I had a coworker walk into my office today and ask this gem of a question:

Do you think that having a kid is just keeping semen for a pet?

I had to get him to repeat the question once or twice because it was just so ridiculous that I was sure I'd misheard. Nope, that was really the question. I'm still not sure if I gave him the right answer, or if there even is a right way to answer such a wrong question. I'm the one on the spectrum in this situation.
ETA: the answer I gave was "no, sperm only contains half of the genetic material that goes into a baby"

 

[No Exit]

I had a coworker walk into my office today and ask this gem of a question:

I had to get him to repeat the question once or twice because it was just so ridiculous that I was sure I'd misheard. Nope, that was really the question. I'm still not sure if I gave him the right answer, or if there even is a right way to answer such a wrong question. I'm the one on the spectrum in this situation.

I wouldn't be surprised to find something about me in this thread since I'm the kind of guy to ask stupid questions like that.
Sometimes you come up with something so stupid you know is way out there yet you just have to share with people.