Number 10? or is it 11?
Let me start by saying that I am so proud of everyone who has come forward to tell the truth
about him. And I’m awestruck by the amount of support I’ve received from the community
already. You are incredible.
A few things:
1. I feel the need to preface this with a little fact about me: I have an immeasurably hard
time placing events on a linear timeline. It’s hard for me to remember if something
happened last week or two years ago. So while I know the time frame of when this all
happened, I’m afraid I can’t remember exact dates. (Especially since there was never an
in-person meetup, etc.) So I’m really sorry for that.
2. I was in my late 20s when I first started talking with him. I told him as much and it never
came up again, except for him to make comments about how much younger I looked.
3. Yes, I also have an assortment of mental illnesses. We talked only briefly about them.
4. As I said earlier on twitter, I don’t have screencaps. I never thought to take them. I
deleted snapchat a long time ago and haven’t touched it since. But it’s one of the main
reasons I was so reluctant to say anything at first.
5. I do not want to give too many details about me because as I’ve said, I do live in Austin
now and in light of everything, would really love to never be face to face with him.
6. I can only speak to my own experience. Please don’t compare stories from other victims
and expect them all to be exactly the same. He was a great manipulator and, therefore,
knew how to spin things so the other person would trust and believe him easily.
7. Lastly, and I say this because I want every person on the fucking planet to know that if
there is not 100% consent, it is not sex or D/s. It is abuse. Plain and simple. And the
right to withdraw consent is always there for everyone involved, no matter what.
So here we go…
When I heard he had gotten a snapchat, like most of us, I was really excited. I had actually
found out after the fact and decided to make an account because of it. I messaged him a quick
hello with me making a stupid face saying “I hope others make you laugh as much as you make
us laugh” or something to that effect, never even thinking of what I would say if he responded
because I was so sure he wouldn’t. He laughed, said thank you, winked, and that was that. A
few days later I was bored and msg’d him asking how his day was. He said it would be better if
he could see my smiling face and things progressed from there. It was dumb flirty msgs and
funny pictures until suddenly it was full on sexting and nudes. I couldn’t believe it. At the time I
didn’t realize how much I had looked up to him. He was someone I watched in Minecraft videos
every Friday. Someone who made me laugh and forget about my problems for a little while. And
I was talking to him. On a personal level. This was someone who I thought was funny and
intelligent and he was being nice and showing interest in me. And in that way, my story is the
same as a lot of the others. He was really good at showering you with attention and then
disappearing for days leaving you wondering what you did wrong or why you weren’t worthy of
his affection anymore. So when he started responding again, you felt like you wanted to do
whatever it took to keep his attention.
After the first couple of times, he asked if I wanted to come see him in person, with that dumb
sly smiley face of crouse. When I said no, that I barely knew him, we started talking about our
relationships, past and present. Yes, I knew he was married. Of course I did. But he told me that
they had an open marriage and I took him at his word. Why wouldn’t I? I thought it was great
because I was in an open relationship. Looking back I should have known. He never said it was
open until I said mine was. This was a conversation that took me by surprise. We talked for a
good while and each time I felt that he was being very honest, and so, I replied with the same
vulnerability I believed he was showing me. I eventually told him about a past sexual trauma. He
comforted me and made me feel protected. During that time he made me feel super safe and
protected. He continued to ask me to come see him.
We spoke on and off for months. We had spoken about D/s. I told him that I liked being
dominated and he jumped at that. Our “sessions” became more intense from then on. Choking
and roughness was a prevalent theme. There were a few times when something would come up
that was too much for me and when I would bring it up, he would either apologize and continue
anyway or be dismissive and get upset, making me feel guilty for stopping something I wasn’t
comfortable with. There was one time in particular that he said something, something I told him
was a big trigger for me. I kind of froze and started panicking. I was explaining what was
happening, that I was feeling scared, and he got upset. Mad even. He didn’t talk to me for
weeks after that. I was left reeling. I felt confused, alone, and terrified. It felt like I had done
something wrong for him to react like that. It made me question a lot about what I had said and
done previously. Was I doing something to make him upset? Was he just done with me? Was I
not good enough anymore? It took weeks for me to realize what had actually happened. That I
was triggered by a past trauma, which he was aware of, and he got mad that I wanted to stop
because I was upset. I wish I could say that we never spoke again. But maybe two months (?)
went by and he messaged me again. He acted like nothing had happened. When I reminded
him about our last conversation, he apologized but shrugged it off and acted like he had no idea
I was that upset. And once again I was somehow wondering if I overreacted or had done
something wrong to make him stop talking to me. We started talking a bit again but any time he
began being suggestive or flirty I’d try to make a joke to steer clear of it or say that I had to go. It
didn’t take long for him to lose all interest. Yet again, I was left feeling abandoned and alone.
It’s hard to explain but he somehow managed to use a lot of what I said to him against me.
From make me feel guilty for not being available when he wanted (i.e. I’m at work I can’t talk → I
am too, I can make time, why can’t you? etc) to making me feel like utter shit for not wanting to
do something for him because of a previous experience (i.e. I had a bad experience with xyz →
that doesn’t mean it’s going to be bad this time!). I thought I knew better. I thought I knew the
signs. It’s devastating to realize how wrong I was.
I spent a good portion of 2018 being upset about all of this. I deleted my RT account and
anything that had to do with him, I took a break from games almost entirely. I watched a lot of
horror movies and tried to find ways to heal. After a while, it became like a bad dream. Distant,
and seemingly unreal. About a year later, I was finally able to watch Let’s Plays again. Anytime I
thought back to what happened I berated myself and pretended like it never happened. That’s
what you do (or what I do I guess) when something bad happens. You try to deal with it and
then move on. You have to. I’ve found that dwelling on things can break you so far down that it
seems impossible to ever be okay again.
Until this last week, I hadn’t thought about it in god knows how long. Two years maybe? This
was like waking up from a nightmare that you didn’t even realize you were in. It just nags at you
from the corners of your mind until it’s all you can do not to think about it. The amount of people
he’s hurt is staggering. I never asked him if there were others. I assumed there might be.
Because I thought he was actually in an open relationship, it didn’t even cross my mind sadly. If
I had known....god I would have said something. I swear I would have. I would do anything to
have prevented even a single person from hurting like this.
But that’s it. I’m sure there’s a detail I’ve forgotten about that will come to me at the worst
possibl moment but right now, there’s nothing I can say that the other girls haven’t already said.
He was smart and manipulative. And he used that to get what he wanted from people.
To anyone who he’s hurt: You are strong and worthy of love. Everything you are feeling is valid.
You do not owe anything to anyone. No one is entitled to your story unless you choose to share
it. If you do, we are all here for you. A thousand percent, in your corner, ready to go to the mat
for you.
To AH and the community: I have to say that I’m sorry. I truly believed that if I had said
something, I would be crucified. It was better to live with the pain, believing that I was alone in it.
But I was wrong. I’ve seen your support to everyone who has come forward thus far. I’ve felt it.
On twitter, tumblr, the forums, Reddit….There are no words to express how deeply it’s
appreciated and how much I love you all for that. Thank you and I hope that we can all take time
to heal together, then forget that this horrid, sorry excuse for a human ever existed.
I love you all. Please be good to one another and take care of yourselves. <3
-S
