SMILEY PEETZ: A HORROR SHORT
The fuck is this?
The Dutch Review, October 30, 2020.
Famous Mukbanger in Breathtaking Film Debut
Well, kudos where kudos is due. Honestly, I had forgotten about Chantal B. DeBlubber's proposed cinematic debut; you know how films in development often never see the light of day. That's why Hollywood isn't for dreamers. But our auteur (with perhaps more than a little assistance behind the scenes from sidekick Peetz) delivered. Atta gorl, Chantal, you finally saw a project through from start to finish, and delivered it on time. Even if shooting was completed in under ten minutes, and editing took another ten. It isn't quality that counts here, it is quantity. And for once, there's a "1" in the box that only contains goose eggs. I mean all of this paragraph sincerely, no shade implied even if I did call names.
I will also praise her acting skills. The heavy, labored breathing was really spot on; she made it sound as if she might die from fright at the sound of a pin dropping. That was immersive; I've seen my fair share of slasher movies, and not one of the bimbos could pant as convincingly as Chantal. Suck on that, Janet Leigh and Jamie Lee. Okay, a little shade in this paragraph.
But honestly, given the talent and resources involved, the film was okay.
I did like the lighting effect at the start of the flick. Given the budget, it was effective.
Less convincing was her reading the coupon flyer on the back page of the paper sideways and pretending she was reading front page news. This is why you can't let Clotso be in charge of anything, if this were an X-Men movie, a gaffe like that would be a $12 million (US) mistake. A continuity supervisor would have caught that; they have eagle eyes. But they are not cheap. So, I'll give her a pass on that. And while her reading of her lines won't make anyone forget Katherine Hepburn or even Dana Plato, I've definitely heard worse. And the script doesn't do her any favors; it lacks substance, and rather hammers home the same message repeatedly. However, repetition is a hallmark of the genre, so again, she gets a pass. Given her tumultuous history, her acting has to be considered a small victory.
The claustrophobic scene in the dark seemed to drag a little, and it became unclear if repeated bumps and thuds were in the script, or were due to clumsy placing of set pieces and props. Prop supervisors cost money too, so she does reasonably well with the scene, although it probably could have used a few more run-throughs. The panicked breathing was magnificent though, it truly sounded like she might have a heart attack.
Following the darkened room sequence, we get a double check of the balcony and the stairwell. The script is perfunctory here, and Chantal's delivery is rushed. A little more rehearsal may have worked here, and while her terrified breathing is laudable, it may be too much of a good thing, as it interferes with her enunciation of dialog. Here, a director should have stepped in and told her to breathe normally for this scene.
Poor camerawork mars the scene where she asks her cats what they want for dinner. She breaks the fourth wall by inexplicably holding up the can to show the viewer the label, and pouting while looking directly into the camera. It is an unnatural angle for a film; it creates a strange, enervated but confrontational vibe at odds with the rest of the picture.
During the phone call sequence, she enters a dark, disheveled-looking room that drips with horror, but receives the call in a backlit room at the top of a staircase, another instance where the continuity supervisor would have come in handy.
Co-star Peetz, assuming the gender of a woman, gives a lisping, effeminate voice performance that convincingly sounds transgender. Up to this point, I am with this film all the way, and the climax approaches.
I won't spoil the ending, but it was a bit of a letdown, suffering from an unconvincingly menacing Peetz and a less than lusty scream from Chantal. It was one of those cases where the film seems to be building up to something spectacular, and takes the cheapest way out, circumventing story arc altogether. Such a letdown for a movie that showed so much potential.
Also distracting was the casting. The protagonist of the film is a rather bizarre-looking woman in a wig who must easily weigh on the far side of four hundred pounds. Is there a reason for such casting? She seems an unlikely victim to the slight and feminine Peetz, but no explanation is ever given.
Still, the movie premiered on time, which is an achievement for this particular auteur. While not a masterpiece, this could have been a train wreck. So well done Clotso, you've surprised this reviewer. An ambitious movie, marred only by some repetition, sloppiness, and an overabundance of very convincing distressed breathing. If she were to lose some weight, she might have a future in Hollywood.
3 Dutch Girls out of 5
See? I'm fair...