Lolcows in Fiction (Books, TV, Movies, etc.)

[drtoboggan]

D list Marvel villains. Angar the Screamer, Toad, The Blob, 90% of who The Avengers fight, everyone Frank Castle has killed, Stilt Man...

 

[Pinball Lizard]

D list Marvel villains. Angar the Screamer, Toad, The Blob, 90% of who The Avengers fight, everyone Frank Castle has killed, Stilt Man...

Even lower than them are the Chalker siblings, who appeared in Peter David's first run on X-Factor. They were respectively a mad scientist, a mutant, and a cyborg, and declared themselves X-Factor arch-enemies despite never having actually met them. How does it all end? The mutant gets hit by a bus, the mad scientist is electrocuted when he goes out in his powered armor in a rainstorm, and the cyborg, who has bladed hands, literally facepalms himself to death.

 

[AnOminous]

Captain Carnage, a minor character mentioned in Watchmen who would dress up like a supervillain and attack various members of the Watchmen. He was a masochist and would yell things like "Punish me!"

He kept doing this until he tried it on Rorschach, who dropped him down an elevator shaft.

Many lolcows remind me of this character.

In one of the earliest Usenet flamewars I remember, one proto-lolcow, Tim Maroney, got labeled "Captain Carnage" by his enemies.

 

[Roger Rabbit]

The Brain from Pinky and The Brain-For his outbursts and constant failures.
Arnold Judas Rimmer from Red Dwarf-Do I need to explain this one?
Boober Fraggle from Fraggle Rock-Serious emotional baggage, and is constantly worried about everything.
Wade Duck from Garfield and Friends/US Acres- Same as Boober
Pee-wee Herman-Gigantic manchild
Moe, Larry and Curly from The Three Stooges- For Moe, same as The Brain. Curly, same as Pee-wee. Larry is the least bad of them.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Curly from Hey Arnold! had the erratic behavior and obsession over a single girl. I guess Brainy qualifies too, to a much lesser extent. As far as I remember he didn't do much besides stand around and breathe heavily though he always stalked Helga.

 

[drtoboggan]

Captain Carnage, a minor character mentioned in Watchmen who would dress up like a supervillain and attack various members of the Watchmen. He was a masochist and would yell things like "Punish me!"

He kept doing this until he tried it on Rorschach, who dropped him down an elevator shaft.

Many lolcows remind me of this character.

In one of the earliest Usenet flamewars I remember, one proto-lolcow, Tim Maroney, got labeled "Captain Carnage" by his enemies.

@Connor reminds me of Captain Carnage as well as one reason why I'm not an admin &/or staff.

 

[GiantSpiderInvasion]

Practically any villain who sucks at being evil. Dr. Doofenshmirtz from Phineas and Ferb and Plankton from Spongebob Squarepants being good examples.

 

[AnOminous]

Practically any villain who sucks at being evil. Dr. Doofenshmirtz from Phineas and Ferb and Plankton from Spongebob Squarepants being good examples.

I think most mad scientist cartoon villains fall into this category. Some more examples would be Brain from Pinky & the Brain, Simon Bar Sinister from Underdog, and Mojo Jojo from the Power Puff Girls. Mad scientists are usually incompetent or insane. Usually even good guy mad scientists are goofs, like Wallace from Wallace & Gromit, although he's more of a mad inventor.

 

[Da Pickle Monsta]

The Rhino from Spider-Man. There were some story arcs that portray him as particularly bumbling, including one storyline where he gets super intelligence in the vein of "Flowers for Algernon" and tries to kill himself. Later, he lost his intelligence and then shared the love of Christmas with the Punisher right before he waxed some dude who had stolen Stilt-Man's suit. Surprisingly, it worked.

Going back to literature, I'd say Svjek from "The Good Soldier Svjek." Basically, the book is a series of misadventures about Svjek, who's a Czech soldier fighting for Austria-Hungary in World War I. Nobody can quite decide if he's simply stupid and enthusiastic about the war or actively trying to avoid combat by acting dumb. Unfortunately, the author died before he could finish the book, and so we're left to wonder if Svjek is a literary lolcow or a master manipulator.

 

[AnOminous]

Going back to literature, I'd say Svjek from "The Good Soldier Svjek." Basically, the book is a series of misadventures about Svjek, who's a Czech soldier fighting for Austria-Hungary in World War I.

If you've ever read Bill, the Galactic Hero by Harry Harrison, it is pretty much "inspired" by this.

 

[TheMightyMonarch]

Would Severus Snape count? Dude can't get over the fact that he was frienzonded over 20 years ago and instead of moving on and trying to find someone else, he obsessed over the same girl that who was way out of his league and rejected him. He was also a mega asshole to her kid (an eleven year old nonetheless) because he was the spitting image of his father who was SO MEAN to him back in school.

He's pretty much a slightly more redeeming and heroic version of Iconoclast.

 

[Pinball Lizard]

The Rhino from Spider-Man. There were some story arcs that portray him as particularly bumbling, including one storyline where he gets super intelligence in the vein of "Flowers for Algernon" and tries to kill himself. Later, he lost his intelligence and then shared the love of Christmas with the Punisher right before he waxed some dude who had stolen Stilt-Man's suit. Surprisingly, it worked.

Another time The Rhino tried to help set the entire planet on fire because his wife died and he thought a world where that could happen didn't deserve to live. Is that lolcowish?

 

[Overcast]

The Rhino from Spider-Man. There were some story arcs that portray him as particularly bumbling, including one storyline where he gets super intelligence in the vein of "Flowers for Algernon" and tries to kill himself. Later, he lost his intelligence and then shared the love of Christmas with the Punisher right before he waxed some dude who had stolen Stilt-Man's suit. Surprisingly, it worked.

I just vaguely remembered this one book that was essentially a collection of Spider-Man one offs starring some of the side characters like Rhino and JJJ.

There was this one story where it shows Rhino living at an apartment complex, and his neighbor was essentially him but in a bear costume. They fought over Spider-Man at one point but ended up getting tied up together. Later on, they hung out and at some point they were both in a waiting room at the doctor's office and the topic of male pregnancy popped up for some reason.

Basically, it was weird.

 

[Da Pickle Monsta]

Another time The Rhino tried to help set the entire planet on fire because his wife died and he thought a world where that could happen didn't deserve to live. Is that lolcowish?

Depends on the writer, honestly. The Rhino's ping-ponged between legit Spidey threat and comic relief several times. You can make the same argument for M.O.D.O.K, Kang, and even Doctor Doom.

 

[Pinball Lizard]

Curly from Hey Arnold! had the erratic behavior and obsession over a single girl. I guess Brainy qualifies too, to a much lesser extent. As far as I remember he didn't do much besides stand around and breathe heavily though he always stalked Helga.

Also, Arnold's creepy hillbilly cousin Arnie and the various other hillbillies who all resemble members of the cast that live in the same town.

 

[TheMightyMonarch]

Now that I think about it, Venture Bros is chalk full of lolcows. I wanna say that at least half the cast is, but I'm just gonna mention the ones that stand out the most.

The Monarch (both my icon and namesake) is a 40 something year old man with the emotional maturity of a toddler. He holds intense, decade long grudges that even Iconoclast would find ridiculous. His main goal is to "arch" Dr. Venture (the main character of the show) and ruin his life. We don't know why he hates Dr. Venture but it's heavily implied that it's a dumb reason and that he himself doesn't remember. He also tard rages and spergs out a lot and kills his own henchmen at the drop of a hat. But he managed to snag a total hottie and they generally seem to love each other. So maybe he does some things right.

Sargent Hatred is another middle aged man with high lolcow tendencies as well. For starters, he's a pedophile. He's not on Nick Bate levels since he feels guilt over his actions and at times has even isolated himself so he doesn't act on his urges and hurt anyone. But even without the pedo aspect, he's still is an over emotional manchild who has no filter. In Season 5, he takes some anti pedo meds and grows giant tits. He later admits to someone else that when masterbates, he plays with his tits and "pretend they're on a lady."

Dermott is teenager from a white trash background who is a compulsive liar. He onced claimed that his hands were registered as "lethal weapons" and often says that he gets laid constantly with super hot chicks despite the fact that he looks like a fat, blond Egoraptor. He's basically something out of Deagle Nation.

And last but not least, Rusty Venture, who's is the main character, is quite possibly the biggest lolcow of them all. He's a washed up former child star who rides the coat tails of his more successful and talented father. He thinks the world revolves around him and gets offended when someone treats like the nobody he is. Dude is super sleazy too. Like bringing hookers to his sons' prom and

Spoiler

knocking up a fifteen year old girl.

Despite getting his ass handed to him constantly, he never has a moment of clarity and self realization and instead just remains a delusional on how important he is. Much like a certain someone…

 

[Da Pickle Monsta]

I guess you could call Lieutenant Reggie Barklay for Star Trek: TNG a bit of a lolcow, especially when he was first introduced. But honestly, I always felt bad for the guy.

But they really did do a lot to strengthen his character in the later seasons and even in Voyager, so that's up to personal interpretation.

 

[Pinball Lizard]

Another one from Les Mis: Marius's rich douchebag grandfather, Luc-Esprit Gillenormand. This character is usually omitted from adaptations, though the most recent movie added him back in, and his antics in the book are hilarious. His main character trait is that he's basically stuck in the far, far past; he's old enough to remember the pre-revolutionary government, with Louis XVI and all them, and thinks every government since then can go to Hell. His favorite pastimes include drilling his beliefs into his grandson's head, wearing the fashions of the 1790s (think if someone today wore nothing but 1950s clothes), sexually harassing the help, and attending snooty parties full of fellow snooty old people where they discuss how much they all agree on the aforementioned subjects.

One really has to feel bad for Marius: he has to put up with this guy, plus Eponine, plus mistakenly thinking he owes a life debt to the Thenardiers who are definitely horrorcows, plus all his friends are dead. At least he ends up with the hottest chick in Paris.

 

[drtoboggan]

I guess you could call Lieutenant Reggie Barklay for Star Trek: TNG a bit of a lolcow, especially when he was first introduced. But honestly, I always felt bad for the guy.

But they really did do a lot to strengthen his character in the later seasons and even in Voyager, so that's up to personal interpretation.

I liked Reg. I hated Janeway. She was Voyager's biggest cow, so much she was made admiral, Starfleet's barn.

 

[ZepFloyd94]

Lester Nygard from Fargo (TV show)

Villainous lolcow, but still.