Lolcows in Fiction (Books, TV, Movies, etc.)

[The Richard Gere Museum]

I feel like a lot of Wrasslers would fit this thread if you dissect their storylines. A couple modern ones that came to mind:

"Hangman" Adam Page- A socialist/"woke" cowboy who's alcoholism is ruining his life and driving a wedge between him and his few friends.

Damien Priest- KingCobraJFS: The Wrassler. A rock and roll sexy goth stud who gets all the ladies. In reality he won and lost a secondary title in a month, and is feuding with two men half his size. Now all we need are the vocal covers, cooking videos and shilling for a pheromone soap that totally works, NXT.

 

[Creep3r]

Dale Gribble would be a lolcow that would be like a weird mix of Terry A. Davis and Styx where he eventually gets an unironic following on the Farms

Dale would be a more accurate Q-Anon who isn't a glownigger or the Null of KOTH but more competent and unapologetically biased about his politics and motives with pride.

Bill would be more likely to get a thread.

He'd be a cross between Chris-chan and a non-disgusting sympathetic version of Tommy Tooter. Everyone would love laughing at his antics but there would also be those who'd do their best to protect him from those who would take advantage of him or put his well being at risk.

 

[The Last Stand]

Dale would be a more accurate Q-Anon who isn't a glownigger or the Null of KOTH but more competent and unapologetically biased about his politics and motives with pride.

QAnon? Nah, more like Area 51 and "government puts flouride in tap for mind control."

 

[Doctor Ivo Robotnik Sr.]

Oh no. A male feminist who a-logs a random furry

Sonic a-logs eggman.

Eggman is a solid guy who has a job, robots, and plans for expansion. Sonic spends his entire life just trying to thwart Eggman

 

[Spunt]

Trip Larsen's one of those weird cases where we wouldn't know if he'd be a horrorcow or have a spot in the Animal Control subforum instead.

The Omega House would definitely have their own thread in Community Watch for sure, and I could see Luanne having her own thread and being seen as one of the more benign lolcows where they're viewed more with pity than with any real contempt.

Moe Szyzlak would probably be a lolcow with a thread as well, same for Mr. Burns.

Krusty the Clown would be a textbook careercow if he were real.

So many other Simpsons characters would too:

Comic Book Guy - furry, probably sent dick pics to every e-thot in Springfield.

Kent Brockman - I for one welcome his thread.

Ralph Wiggum - pint sized OPL and his inept dad.

Mayor Quimby - King of A&N

Waylon Smithers - you know he has a Livejournal full of really Emo poetry

Groundskeeper Willie - has at least 3 gay ops Discords devoted to making him chimp out at all times

 

[Cheerlead-in-Chief]

Asperchu, even though he himself is a parody of OPL.

 

[Chongqing]

Bill O'Reilly.

Mr. /Mrs. Garrison.

George Costanza would be the ultimate sportscow. Executive of the Yankees Organization, ruffied his boss, frequently pressures women who can't speak English into sexual situations, oils his head sexually, lives with his parents, pushes past women and children to escape a burning building. This was before the internet.

 

[beautiful person]

Cartman.

We already have that in Ethan Ralph.

 

[make_it_so]

This might be a bit controversial but - I'm gonna say Char Aznable/Casavel Deikun from the original Universal Century Gundam timeline.

Yes, he might be a badass pilot and military commander, and he might have pulled off the greatest headshot in history. But as person he's generally a piece of shit. He uses people like a sociopath, has a tendency to develop pretty creepy relationships with younger girls/women, and by the time of Char's Counterattack he has a messiah complex and a MovieBob-esque desire to kill or displace billions of innocent people because they won't follow his vision of the "superior future." Not to mention this same complex is ultimately him trying to fulfill the visions of his father who barely paid any attention to him and who himself was lolcow material - I'd post a video clip of Zeon Zum Deikun raving like a madman here, but apparently it's been shoah'd off of Youtube by Bandai/Sunrise.

I'd also add that after the One Year War, pretty much the entire Zeon/Neo-Zeon faction and their simps/apologists would be worthy of a community watch thread.

 

[TheRetardKing]

Cool Cat for his furfaggotory and pedophilic behavior.

 

[Love Machine]

Abaddon the despoiler.

Reasons
1) Constantly spergs out, making any situation he is in worse.
2) Hangs out with trannys, people who dont know how to take showers, Rat Kings, and pcp addicts.
3) Is so incompetent that he as had THIRTEEN crusades against a civilization where the normal person thinks everything is powered by a half dead guy on a throne.
4) Takes sketchy magic steroids but still gets slapped around by; an old man, a professional tard wrangler and his subjects, and an old elf whos bones probably snapped just from moving.
5) Constantly copes about is unimaginable list of failings by saying "its all apart of the greater plan".
6) his one victory he ever had was not from planning or strength, he just sperged out and threw one planet into another.

 

[KittyGremlin]

eskimoes, every single one of them.

 

[Hummingbird]

Flintheart Glomgold from the Ducktales reboot. Not only would we be laughing at his attempts to get the best of his worst enemy, but this guy seems like he'd have an obsessive webpage dedicated to his vanity, how Scotish he is, and hatred of Scrooge.

 

[Figger Naggot]

While the real Sergey Taboritsky was already a lolcow as a Russian Jewish monarchist Nazi, the version of him in The New Order: Last Days Of Europe would be the biggest horrorcow in the history of the site.

Ah yes, exterminating my entire country in an attempt to purify the world for the return of a long dead heir.

Another big cow from that world would be Gutrum Vagner. A Russian Nazi who gains an Ayran fetish after watching the Nazis beat back a Soviet counterattack after the war. He also believed that he could become a true Aryan if he adopts a German name. He does this while spending most of the game trying to kiss up to the Nazis and they cuck him by not even bothering to acknowledge his existence.

 

[Pointless Pedant]

Ah yes, exterminating my entire country in an attempt to purify the world for the return of a long dead heir.

Another big cow from that world would be Gutrum Vagner. A Russian Nazi who gains an Ayran fetish after watching the Nazis beat back a Soviet counterattack after the war. He also believed that he could become a true Aryan if he adopts a German name. He does this while spending most of the game trying to kiss up to the Nazis and they cuck him by not even bothering to acknowledge his existence.

Valery Yemelyanov (Velimir) from the Aryan Brotherhood in game was a massive horrorcow IRL as well.

Valery Nikolayevich Yemelyanov was a Soviet professor and Middle East advisor who took a very active and fervent part in the anti-Zionist campaign. His most famous book is Dezionization which postulates the basics of his neo-Pagan and extremely anti-Semitic views on the world history and international politics. Once considered a valuable asset to the state propaganda, he fell from grace of the Communist Party when he tried to publish Dezionization abroad without state's permission (some sources point another reason, that he alledgelly called Leonid Brezhnev a Zionist). After a domestic scandal with his wife over losing his job on the university, Yemelyanov killed and dismembered her with an axe, for which he was trialed and put in a psychiatric ward. Despite doing what would constitute a death warrant, Yemelyanov was intentionally deemed insane because Soviets believed that he could be still useful to them in the future.

After he was released, he became a co-leader of the leading far-right organization in Perestroika-era Soviet Union, Pamyat, but soon split with its other leader, Dmitry Vasilyev, on the issue whether if Christianity was a Jewish ploy to undermine the Slavic Aryans or not. After that, he became a founder and leading participator in various Russian neo-pagan organizations. Still managing to find some niche in 90s, by lecturing in several Russian military academies, Yemelyanov died in 1999, with his followers believing that he was killed during a ritual murder by Zionists.

He believed that the world history was a secret war between the Jews and the pagans, that there was a world-spanning advanced Slavic civilizations coming from Palestine, that the Hindu culture was a survivng holdout of the ancient Slavo-Aryan culture, that Slavs were driven from Palestine by the Jews and from Europe by Asiatic Germans. In later period of dissent, he called for extermination of every single Jew in the Soviet territory. Besides the regular esoteric ultranationalist views, he held some other weird positions, like where he argued for the restoration of pagan monarchy under Stalin's grandson and his own claim that he was the Chairman of the International Russian Community.

If you are interested in English-language sources about him, here is an article from the LA Times about him in 1980, describing his infamous murder, as well as exempts from several books describing his views and the trial about his murder which I translated for TNO. It is hell of a reading trip.

 

[Creep3r]

This might be a bit controversial but - I'm gonna say Char Aznable/Casavel Deikun from the original Universal Century Gundam timeline.
View attachment 1747692

Yes, he might be a badass pilot and military commander, and he might have pulled off the greatest headshot in history. But as person he's generally a piece of shit. He uses people like a sociopath, has a tendency to develop pretty creepy relationships with younger girls/women, and by the time of Char's Counterattack he has a messiah complex and a MovieBob-esque desire to kill or displace billions of innocent people because they won't follow his vision of the "superior future." Not to mention this same complex is ultimately him trying to fulfill the visions of his father who barely paid any attention to him and who himself was lolcow material - I'd post a video clip of Zeon Zum Deikun raving like a madman here, but apparently it's been shoah'd off of Youtube by Bandai/Sunrise.

I'd also add that after the One Year War, pretty much the entire Zeon/Neo-Zeon faction and their simps/apologists would be worthy of a community watch thread.
View attachment 1747706

Char definitely would deserve a thread.

Then again, most everyone in the Gundam franchise probably does to some degree.

 

[draggs]

Brian Griffin

Pretentious drunkard addict sleazebag who grifts everyone about how smart and progressive he is to get acknowledgment as a superior being. Also to get pussy. Classic m'lady babyraging soycow.

 

[Daisy]

Captain Hero from Drawn Together. Acts like a child, pretends he's a superhero, will let anyone or anything fuck him, Mommy and Daddy issues out the ass, rapes animals, cries like a little bitch when he doesn't get his way, bedwetter.

Toot Braunstein, too, especially early on when she'd cry and cut herself and eat an entire fridge whenever a guy wouldn't give her dick.

 

[KingofNothing]

Sonic a-logs eggman.

Eggman is a solid guy who has a job, robots, and plans for expansion. Sonic spends his entire life just trying to thwart Eggman

Stop stuffing his friends into robots. Shit's kinda rude

Flintheart Glomgold from the Ducktales reboot. Not only would we be laughing at his attempts to get the best of his worst enemy, but this guy seems like he'd have an obsessive webpage dedicated to his vanity, how Scotish he is, and hatred of Scrooge.

Speaking of the Ducktales reboot, I'd say their version of Darkwing Duck is too because he decided to dress up as an in-universe fictional character to fight crime.

 

[REGENDarySumanai]

Well... i'm thinking about:

• Korra
• Azula
• Kuvira
• Amon
• Unalaq
• Kira
• DIO
• Sheogorath
• Saren
• Illusive Man
• G-Man
• Liquid
• Solidus
• Volgin
• Ocelot

I can't think of anymore.

Ocelot would be a member on the Farms who would make a thread about himself, only for it to succeed and then he makes a thread on everyone else.

View attachment 1747247

That's a mistranslation. The Japanese manual calls him a womanizer.