Background: A men-only bathhouse is commercial space consisting of showers, saunas, and possible other bathing-related services, but in practice serves as a spot to cruise for sex.
This kind of space has fascinated me for years because it's a social situation like no other. In addition to being gender-segregated, interactions are largely anonymous and there's a pointed emphasis on the physical body.
Has anyone else been interested in bathhouses, or gone to one? I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Last week I went on a trip to a large city with a friend, and we visited two different bathhouses in the gay village. I'll summarize my experience below, and you can Ask Me Anything.
My experience in gay bathhouses
On the first night, I went to check out a bathhouse. I was planning to just observe the atmosphere. Every customer needs to rent either a locker or a room, so we got one of each. Inside, it was a moderately busy night with most guys walking around with towels around their waists. I had come prepared with flip-flops for my feet. There were showers, a steam room, a dry sauna, and a hot tub. The rest of the space consists of little rooms with beds, just big enough to play in. Oh, and there were glory holes in a really dark corridor which gave me the creeps.
I trod around with a towel on my waist, as per the norm. I have tattoos covering my scars from top surgery. Plenty of (presumably cis) guys were walking around with some amount of breast tissue. It was really eye-opening to see an array of men's bodies so diverse in size, color, penises, etc. compared to what I see in porn. And all of them were welcome and respected in this space.
Communication, I learned, was largely nonverbal. Guys showed interest by making eye contact, gesturing, and touching themselves. This also makes consent a little weird--it's the norm to touch somebody's chest without a verbal invitation. But most guys would quickly get the message if I shook my head, moved away, or verbally said "No, thanks". The atmosphere is very non-emotional; everybody is just looking for a good time and if you get turned down you just move on to the next guy you like.
On the second night I was feeling adventurous to walk around the place alone. This proved to be a strong signal--guys were starting to hit on me, whereas on the previous day they must have thought my friend and I were together and not interested in others. A lot of guys would begin by touching my chest and nipples, which felt awesome even though technically my nipples don't have erotic sensation. Most guys are eager to whip out their dick for you to play with, and sometimes they wanted me to do the same, but I always had the option to decline. (Plenty of guys come just to suck dick and don't want any reciprocation.) I did show my junk to a few guys (I had metoidioplasty last year), to no bad reactions. I had been all worried because my dick is quite small and my balls feel stiffer than most.
One guy asked if I was trans. He was feeling up my chest and nipples when he paused and asked. I said yeah, he said "Sorry, I'm not comfortable" and left before I could say anything. My first thought was, okay, that was bound to happen at least once. I had a towel on. Was it my scars that he could feel, or something else about me? In any case, I figured he had made an assumption about my junk. Oh well, it's no great loss. I had a few brief encounters that night, then had a long conversation with a nice guy about bathhouse culture and the history of the gay village.
Next night was the most enjoyable. We visited a different bathhouse which had more of a leather and S&M vibe, with lots of slings and special play areas. I spent a lot of time with an older guy who was very open. We even left our door ajar while we played and guys passing by were observing and/or joining in. I had been worried that people would think it's weird that I don't ejaculate any semen. But there was no expectation for me to cum. Also, I encountered a young guy who was shorter than me, probably 5', and magnificently hairy though he kept it trimmed. An otter, I suppose.
My experience was liberating in a few ways. I felt like I could belong, as much as any other guy could, in a men's space. I saw that men's bodies are not all the same, and that mine was not a special issue. It was the first time I'd felt that people could find my body attractive despite the fact that I am short, a POC, not ripped, not hung, etc. Everybody is self-conscious and the more you let that go, the more fun you can have. The experience also helped me to deal with rejection. No brooding, just move on.
Final notes
On sexual health: Both clubs that I visited provided free condoms and lube, which I used without exception. There were some guys who wanted to do oral or anal without a condom, but I was upfront about my limits.
On logistics: Where I live, clubs do not ask for ID, but I know that in some regions it is legally required and this may result in your sex marker being looked at. These business may or may not be friendly to trans people in practice or in policy.