Tess Holliday / Ryann Maegen Hoven - Beached Landwhale model, Body positive and social justice snacktivist, and gigantic fraud

[Clotso Coof]

Olly is a train wreck in her own right. She seems to just use people until she wears out her welcome. If nobody wants to shack up with her, she always has Tess who will just use her for queer cred. Neither Olly or Tess know what friendship actually is; they’re just two people who take advantage of others whenever possibly. What a coincidence that they both act like they are miserable, surely it has nothing to do with themselves, it’s everyone else that’s the problem.

Maybe Olly and Tess' totally-not-gay husband should hook up. They have a lot in common. Weird how Tess' "energy" attracts sleazy losers who only use people and pose for pictures.

 

[blue gopher snakes]

I guess now that Olly found someone else to crash with, she's going to spill the tea on how Tess used her to score Kool Kwa-weer Points

Poor Bowie. Yet another adult brought into his life with the fanfare of “this is your new uncle, Bowie. He picks you up from school and sleeps over on your bottom bunk,” only to slip away as abruptly as they arrived.

 

[yousoundlikeanasshole]

8 hours and she has less than 2k likes on a post. That must KILL her ego.

 

[rocknrollmartian]

She is only 5'2". From the video of her sitting - one of the few times in the last couple years we have seen her unedited - I would put her over 400, and wouldn't be shocked if she was closer to 450.

She's always been about 100 pounds heavier than she reports. She was over 300 when she launched with Milk as 220 pounds; she was definitely near or at 400 when she had that "Fit, Healthy, 300 Pounds!" article in Shape. And since she's larger now than she was for that article - and since she is still claiming 300 - she is most assuredly somewhere in the 400s.

Just for visual reference, here are pictures of women who were once 400+ pounds:





Given the honest images above, Tess must be in the mid-400s or higher. She looks bigger and far more deformed than these women.

 

[NSFW]

Tim Tams sounded pretty appetizing, until Tess Hoofen shoved one into her Gardulla the Hutt lookin fat mouth.

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Those headphones are being pushed to tensile strength and are about to explode off of her fat head.

Looks like she’s got some diabetes-related discoloration around her knuckles too. But by all means, keep pounding down the cookies and cakes Tess, you did pretend to exercise once this week.

 

[Crepidodera fulvicornis]

8 hours and she has less than 2k likes on a post. That must KILL her ego.

Lel, its IG marketing is even worse than on youtube



ETA: Amy Fucking Slaton’s weight on S2 was 289 lbs, and she was pregnant. Tess indeed is “bad at judging size these days” if she thinks she look like this.

 

[George Floyd Sneed]

I like how Tubby Tess has already scraped the bottom the barrel for guests on the second episode. You just know she reached out to Zelda Williams, Rumer Willis, and Lizzo to be guests only to not get a response back. Maybe for her third episode, it will be the barista who defended Tess online. I guess all those hundreds of daily BFFs she’s had over the years weren’t BFFs after all.

 

[FuckDuckSeagull]

Aww does this mean Olly won't be on the show?

 

[Water-T]

I like how Tubby Tess has already scraped the bottom the barrel for guests on the second episode. You just know she reached out to Zelda Williams, Rumer Willis, and Lizzo to be guests only to not get a response back. Maybe for her third episode, it will be the barista who defended Tess online. I guess all those hundreds of daily BFFs she’s had over the years weren’t BFFs after all.

It's been very apparent that Tess' "BFFs" come and go with the tides, only being mentioned by her when they're either really popular or if they have connections she can use. Remember when she would constantly name drop Lizzo or that ugly black tranny when they were at peak fame, and now barely mentions them? I'm sure all the people in her orbit understand that they're only BFFs when it suits Tess and now avoid her if they can. Also, anyone worth their salt would do well to not appear on that travesty, because it's doomed to fail and it would just cheapen their image/brand being associated with her.

 

[Angry New Ager]

Aww does this mean Olly won't be on the show?

I have a feeling Olly will conveniently remain in London until this thing is officially canceled. But it would be hilarious to have her on; she comes across as even dumber than Tess, and with fewer filters.

 

[FinnaBinna]

I noticed now she has pink cards to read off instead of questions she printed off Word that she wrote herself. Shouldn’t that have been done in the first episode since she’s all professional now?
The way she’s sitting for some reason reminds me of Patrick Star watching tv. It makes her look like more of a cartoon character she already is.
I hate watched it a little bit and was blinded by the Exxon mobile oil spill on her face. Her face is so greasy you could fry chicken on it. Dewy skin barely looks good on a 23 year old waif. Why would a 30 something feel the need to highlight those injected lips and face? Is she trying to compete with the sun? I have so many questions.
Also there is no way she could wear that damn Jerry Garcia fake tye dyed nightmare to sleep. She would be drenched in sweat. I thought Tess had a team? Aren’t they paid to make her look 50 pounds lighter?!?!

 

[blue gopher snakes]

I hate watched it a little bit and was blinded by the Exxon mobile oil spill on her face

Is she trying to compete with the sun?

My theory is that she slaps all that highlighter on her gourd so that the “dewiness” looks intentional rather than involuntary. It’s gonna happen either way but it may as well look like a choice rather than a permanent state of damp.

I thought Tess had a team? Aren’t they paid to make her look 50 pounds lighter?!?!

Well she DID, but now that she’s been dumped by cake-fart John she may not be able to afford it anymore.

 

[Gay Mouth]

Are comments showing for any of you? Says 20 comments but only two ass kissing ones are visible. She probably threw a stink to her producers.

 

[FuckDuckSeagull]

Are comments showing for any of you? Says 20 comments but only two ass kissing ones are visible. She probably threw a stink to her producers.

If you put newest first it shows all of them.

Edit. Oh wait, no it doesn't. You only see 4 comments.

Fucking LoL.

 

[maggots]

Looks like Tess bought a jeep of some sort. I’m not good with cars but it looks spacious and the comments say jeep. She’s pretty close to the roof for someone only 5’1.

pics from a boring tiktok complaining about dating, riveting.

 

[hall&oates]

She’s pretty close to the roof for someone only 5’1.

Her ass is a built in booster seat

 

[Angry New Ager]

Looks like Tess bought a jeep of some sort. I’m not good with cars but it looks spacious and the comments say jeep. She’s pretty close to the roof for someone only 5’1.

pics from a boring tiktok complaining about dating, riveting.

View attachment 1991697
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J Aprileo drives a Jeep of some sort, so Tess should be able to down a lot of cakes before she outfats this vehicle.

And IIRC, Tess is around 5'5". Not moddle height, but not a shorty dumpling like Jude and Chantal (who are both around 5'1-5'2").

And yes, lisetteo2, we're still waiting for the black strawberry dress too. And by "waiting," I mean, "Secure in the knowledge we're never going to see it until the designer provides her with an even bigger one that actually fits."

 

[blue gopher snakes]

If it is a Jeep, she probably got it because they generally have more robust suspension (and tow packages) than your average sedan. An Accord isn’t built to absorb shocks the way a Jeep is. Of course, that’s because you’re supposed to take them off-road, not fill them with greasy livestock.

Newer Jeeps have more amenities than the older models but they are still pretty stripped down. Seats especially. I give it two weeks before she’s complaining about her ass not fitting in the drivers seat.

 

[Refrigerator Poet]

If you put newest first it shows all of them.

Edit. Oh wait, no it doesn't. You only see 4 comments.

View attachment 1991790
Fucking LoL.

Crusty Shorts is my new favorite YouTube commenter. “Gigantic greasy lady” sent me.

Jeeps are fairly indestructible, barring off-roading, mudding, or a high-speed collision. I drove one for close to 500k miles, and I only had to fight with the a/c and the fuel pump. They’re like the OtterBox of vehicles, imho.

 

[Trombonista]

Lately I've been wondering how Tess got so fat. I mean, obviously it's because she eats cake every damn day, but why does she do that? She's not 'tarded like Tammy or Sammie, she's not using food and liquor as anxiety medication like Anna, and she's clearly not making herself ugly on purpose like Kelly. What drives her to gorge herself daily?