Opinion Women who 'settled' for partners who weren't 'the one' reveal what it's REALLY like to be in an unfulfilling relationship with a 'good person' - REDDIT MOMENT

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/...d-partners-werent-one-reveal-REALLY-like.html (Archive)

Women who have admittedly 'settled' for partners who weren't 'the one' have opened up about what life is like in an unfulfilled relationship — but some insist they don't have any regrets.

The thought-provoking responses were shared in a now-viral Reddit thread after u/violetshug asked women who ended up with 'good' people they aren't head-over-heels in love with to share how their relationships are going.

The stories range from women who are getting divorced after years of unhappiness to those who are now fully in love with their partners and everything in between.

'Twenty years of marriage and three kids later, we are very good partners and make a great team. However, I am somewhat sad about how little we have in common outside of that,' one person wrote.

Another woman who has been married to her partner for five years and with him for a total of 16, admitted that 'it isn't always easy.'

'We’re in a rough spot and it’s easy after every issue to think, "I knew I never should have stayed with him,"' she explained. 'Sometimes I wonder if I’m being a coward...

'My husband adores me and is a good man but does not fulfill me intellectually, is emotionally immature, and we are on different planets of sexual desire. It’s a struggle but it’s not a nightmare.'

Someone else who has been married for 28 years said she couldn't be happier.

'We have had our ups and downs, but to be honest, he was the one — I just didn't know it at the time,' she said. 'Sometimes "the one" is an ideal based on youthful priorities, but with maturity, you realize some of those qualities aren't as important anymore...

'I might add too, that I ran into "the one" again a few years back. Was not impressed, and I think I made a good escape there!'

However, not everyone has been that lucky in their relationships over the years.

'It's sad and boring, but safe,' one Reddit user shared. 'I do miss "the one" sometimes, but we're just friends and we could never be more than that. It's either this or total solitude so at least I have a companion, sex and someone truly loves me. Or course I would give my right arm to have my true love, but here we are.'

Many of the women who commented in the thread said they love their partners but aren't in love with them.

'It’s going. I know it’s not right, but he is a good person,' one mom wrote. 'Sometimes I want so much more. Right now, it would cost me so much to leave, and I do have love for him. Our children have a great support system between us, and we live a decent life.'

Another explained that she chose her husband because he 'meets a lot' of her needs and she loves him for who he is.

'He’s not a GQ model, he’s not rich, and yes, sometimes he bugs the crap out of me,' she added. 'But I chose him. And I chose to love him for who he is rather than hold out for the idea of "the one."'

Others opened up about their divorces, insisting that life is too short to stay with someone you don't love.

'Finally ended it just under three years ago, after a decade of on and off. Now living a happy life with someone, who is definitely the one,' one person wrote.

Someone else said she and her partner divorced because their values didn't match.

'We married and had kids too young. Been single two years and I've literally fallen in love [with] myself!' she said. 'Better to be happy and alone than lonely and married.'

'I ended my six-year relationship (married for three) last year and it was the best decision I ever made,' another woman agreed. 'I didn’t see how uncolorful it was until I was out of it.'

 

[polonium]

Not to be chauvinistic (okay, maybe a little), but I find that relationships where the woman makes significantly more than the man don't work. It works just fine for the man, most of the time, but for the woman there seems to be some sort of entrenched hang-up that prevents a wife from respecting a husband that makes less than she does, and that lack of respect is a key factor in almost all non-infidelity, woman-initiated divorces.

I don't disagree with you, but what I meant was that she wrote that she was protecting herself when the court system is unfailingly biased in her favour and probably still will grant her half of his money even if they did keep everything separate and she earns more than him.

 

[Hollywood Hulk Hogan]

People who get married just to get married often end up worse off. That should be common knowledge but apparently it's not

I know a woman who got married just to get married. The only thing she compliments about her husband is that he's a "good man". Otherwise, she doesn't even love him. It's odd

 

[Unassuming Local Guy]

Didn't the TV shows of the 80s teach us that if we aren't blissfully happy 24/7 we HAVE to get divorced?
Why would that message have been so loud and clear if it wasn't in the public's best interest? Could there have been some ulterior motive to breaking up families as a part of some weird long game? (I need to stock up on tin foil. Weird thoughts keep getting in lately.)

Nah. 80s and 90s shows were actually pretty grounded there. Even the dumber ones like Home Improvement had plenty of "they fight a lot but it's okay because love commitment partnership etc." moments. And let's not forget Married With Children.

You're thinking of the much older ones like the Brady Bunch, Green Acres, anything Lucille Ball was in. There was very little conflict between the parents there, and when there was it was usually cutesy non-issues like "how do I convince my husband to eat broccoli" or whatever.

Even still, All In The Family was in the 70s and he and his wife basically did nothing but fight, but they were still a loving couple that stayed together. It all depends on what you watched.

 

[frozenrunner]

Even still, All In The Family was in the 70s and he and his wife basically did nothing but fight, but they were still a loving couple that stayed together. It all depends on what you watched.

Aside: very odd how Archie was depicted as a right-winger when he fit the "lifeling union Democrat" stereotype to the T.

 

[NyQuilninja]

Woman are perpetually unhappy and unsatisfied they always will be it's in their nature you can only satisfy a woman for so long until they're bored. A long term relationship with a female is a Commitment to find new ways of entertaining her

 

[The handsome tard]

I love how, instead of being honest with their partner and say that they gotta spice things up, maybe take different habits and hobbies together to respark that old school passion...

She says its time to jump ship and abandon him and possibly her children. Its an easy decision since divorce courts favor the woman outside of very specific cases...

These people are monsters, Im sorry, but thats what they are. And then they will blame the world once they are old and alone.

 

[AMHOLIO]

I've spent pretty much my entire life terrified that I'd end up in this kind of relationship (as a dude). Where even if I somehow managed to get a girl, I would be afraid that she was basically just settling for me as "better than nothing, I guess". I had hoped I was just being paranoid.

And yet here we are.

If at least some of the ladies here have an onlyfans, I'm guessing you'll be able to weed out women like that by not letting hos or anyone with an Onlyfans/camgirl account use you and of course not sticking your dick in crazy. I believe in you friend

they always will be it's in their nature you can only satisfy a woman for so long until they're bored.

If that were only true of women we wouldn't have second marriages where a guy breaks up with his woman of 20 years for a younger model/trophy. I think its a cultural or general people thing.

 

[Chicken Neck Nelly]

God willing, it will one day be perfectly legal to slay a redditor wherever they may stand, for any reason.

Ahem, I think you're forgetting that this is all theoretical of course in a game of Minecraft, aren't you sir?

 

[Don't Tread on Me]

LoopyLadyCA is actually really wholesome and sweet. What is she doing on Reddit?

 

[Ari Gold]

Not to be chauvinistic (okay, maybe a little), but I find that relationships where the woman makes significantly more than the man don't work. It works just fine for the man, most of the time, but for the woman there seems to be some sort of entrenched hang-up that prevents a wife from respecting a husband that makes less than she does, and that lack of respect is a key factor in almost all non-infidelity, woman-initiated divorces.

It's called hypergamy. And there is nothing wrong with the fact that women do this more often than men.

 

[Zero Day Defense]

One of the greatest lies that Satan put in these women’s minds is that love is more of a feeling that happens to you than a choice.

No kidding. I remember someone I was with, right out the gate we ended up in a conversation where I brought up how I didn't believe in a "one", because the most important thing was working out a relationship with someone you were committed to since that's what "love" is. She had a penchant for viewing her life as a romcom and describing herself as a "storm" that "somehow" frequently managed to make social situations FUBAR. In short, she took very little control of her life, and I figure that people who buy into this "falling in love" or "the one" stuff are roughly the same. Emotional incontinence is generally a shortcoming, after all.

The wild thing is that they teach this crap in churches, too. Less the "falling in love" part but more the "the one" part-- they just coat it as "divinely ordained spouse" or somesuch. Sure, they talk about making relationships work, but they're still feeding fanciful notions of relationships at the same time. Even when I was a teenager, the idea was suspect. I remember being in a conversation where someone derided the idea, asking what would be the case if this "one" was stuck all the way out in the Sahara desert.

I've figured, partly on account of being a male anywhere in the range of average to above average (allegedly) in aesthetics but rolling nat 5s in social skills, I don't have the luxury of being blown around in a maelstrom of my own passions like a lot of these women do. I let that happen to me, and I set myself up for an unrelenting barrage of disappointment that nobody will pity me for. At best I'll be disrespected by everyone, and at worst I'll be manipulated and wrung dry.

Not to be chauvinistic (okay, maybe a little), but I find that relationships where the woman makes significantly more than the man don't work. It works just fine for the man, most of the time, but for the woman there seems to be some sort of entrenched hang-up that prevents a wife from respecting a husband that makes less than she does, and that lack of respect is a key factor in almost all non-infidelity, woman-initiated divorces.

It's not chauvinism, it's just largely true. Even though women have more access to male dominated fields as well as the wages and status that come with them, they still explicitly look to date men that are at least equals (they're looking for men more impressive than them, let's be frank)-- possibly because there's so much focus on becoming high earners that they don't even have a sense of why they're making that kind of effort. Men do it to better provide for their families, as is their expected role. Women don't have that on the mind if they're looking to start a family, regardless of how much they earn-- not just because it's still expected that a man be the breadwinner, but because the worth of a man is largely determined by the resources he can gain. Just one of those things that feminism and the Sexual Revolution never touched at all.

 

[Blake Chortles]

No kidding. I remember someone I was with, right out the gate we ended up in a conversation where I brought up how I didn't believe in a "one", because the most important thing was working out a relationship with someone you were committed to since that's what "love" is. She had a penchant for viewing her life as a romcom and describing herself as a "storm" that "somehow" frequently managed to make social situations FUBAR. In short, she took very little control of her life, and I figure that people who buy into this "falling in love" or "the one" stuff are roughly the same.

The wild thing is that they teach this crap in churches, too. Less the "falling in love" part but more the "the one" part-- they just coat it as "divinely ordained spouse" or somesuch. Sure, they talk about making relationships work, but they're still feeding fanciful notions of relationships at the same time. Even when I was a teenager, the idea was suspect. I remember being in a conversation where someone derided the idea, asking what would be the case if this "one" was stuck all the way out in the Sahara desert.

I've figured, partly on account of being a male anywhere in the range of average to above average (allegedly) in aesthetics but rolling nat 5s in social skills, I don't have the luxury of being blown around in a maelstrom of my own passions like a lot of these women do. I let that happen to me, and I set myself up for an unrelenting barrage of disappointment that nobody will pity me for. At best I'll be disrespected by everyone, and at worst I'll be manipulated and wrung dry.


It's not chauvinism, it's just largely true. Even though women have more access to male dominated fields as well as the wages and status that come with them, they still explicitly look to date men that are at least equals (they're looking for men more impressive than them, let's be frank)-- possibly because there's so much focus on becoming high earners that they don't even have a sense of why they're making that kind of effort. Men do it to better provide for their families, as is their expected role. Women don't have that on the mind if they're looking to start a family, regardless of how much they earn-- not just because it's still expected that a man be the breadwinner, but because the worth of a man is largely determined by the resources he can gain. Just one of those things that feminism and the Sexual Revolution never touched at all.

I’m blessed to go to a very Bible centered church and he just spent the last 3 months on song of solomon. And he went off about the whole concept of a “one” and how no one except Jesus can “complete” you.

 

[furūtsu]

Way too many people don't understand that romantic love isn't supposed to work the way it does in fiction.

It's fine to be swept up in infatuations and whirlwind romances when you're really young, like say below 25-26 ish; in fact I think it's a good idea to experience young love at least once so you can then understand how fleeting and unsustainable it almost always is.

A relationship predicated on "this person is so dreamy and we're meant for each other and will never fight or have any conflict whatsoever because the universe wills it" is practically an example of planned obsolescence. If you want to share your life with another human being who isn't a clone of yourself you're going to experience conflict at some point. You're dooming things from the get-go by putting such a colossal expectation on the other person.

Mind you, if said conflict involves roaring fights where police get involved then get the fuck out of there; but if it's only, say, he leaves his socks lying around too much or she sucks at making my eggs, those are normal issues that have to be resolved in a relationship.

People these days treat relationships like iphones; luxury items that they quickly get bored with and toss aside for the next upgrade. Partnerships take work. And there is no such thing as "the one" outside your own fantasies. You and your partner, if initially compatible and mentally stable (the latter of which seems to be rarer and rarer with newer generations), will naturally mold yourselves to suit one another over time.

If you want to be swept up by an impossible romantic fantasy go play an Otome game or an RPG with dating elements instead. Don't burden another person with your impossible expectations.

She had a penchant for viewing her life as a romcom and describing herself as a "storm" that "somehow" frequently managed to make social situations FUBAR. In short, she took very little control of her life, and I figure that people who buy into this "falling in love" or "the one" stuff are roughly the same. Emotional incontinence is generally a shortcoming, after all.

PL:

Spoiler

Due to having severe trauma from parental abuse, I used to be this type of girl up until last year when I finally snapped out of it.

I wasn't an asshole to people but I'd have random PTSD episodes or freakouts if I thought people were going to abandon or abuse me. Of course, I spent my adolescence and part of my early 20s romanticizing this idea of an amazing guy who'd save me from myself, but I had to wake up and realize that that's what made my parents land in the miserable marriage they only just started to end recently. I really regret being such an emotional burden to my last ex. At least I have my shit together now and my current bf doesn't have to deal with any instability from me.

Sadly I know many other young women who have yet to wake up and realize they're wasting their youth being giant trainwrecks. Sad, many such cases.

 

[Zero Day Defense]

I’m blessed to go to a very Bible centered church and he just spent the last 3 months on song of soloman. And he went off about the while concept of a “one” and how no one except Jesus can “complete” you.

You're also blessed to not know how bad it gets, apparently. The people I'm talking about can somehow find a third side of their mouth to speak out of, and the worst part is that I don't even think most of them realize what the gestalt of their messages are. They will in fact say what you're saying your pastor says but also everything else I've said they say.

 

[Ughubughughughughughghlug]

Way too many people don't understand that romantic love isn't supposed to work the way it does in fiction.

It's fine to be swept up in infatuations and whirlwind romances when you're really young, like say below 25-26 ish; in fact I think it's a good idea to experience young love at least once so you can then understand how fleeting and unsustainable it almost always is.

A relationship predicated on "this person is so dreamy and we're meant for each other and will never fight or have any conflict whatsoever because the universe wills it" is practically an example of planned obsolescence. If you want to share your life with another human being who isn't a clone of yourself you're going to experience conflict at some point. You're dooming things from the get-go by putting such a colossal expectation on the other person.

Mind you, if said conflict involves roaring fights where police get involved then get the fuck out of there; but if it's only, say, he leaves his socks lying around too much or she sucks at making my eggs, those are normal issues that have to be resolved in a relationship.

People these days treat relationships like iphones; luxury items that they quickly get bored with and toss aside for the next upgrade. Partnerships take work. And there is no such thing as "the one" outside your own fantasies. You and your partner, if initially compatible and mentally stable (the latter of which seems to be rarer and rarer with newer generations), will naturally mold yourselves to suit one another over time.

If you want to be swept up by an impossible romantic fantasy go play an Otome game or an RPG with dating elements instead. Don't burden another person with your impossible expectations.



PL:

Spoiler

Due to having severe trauma from parental abuse, I used to be this type of girl up until last year when I finally snapped out of it.

I wasn't an asshole to people but I'd have random PTSD episodes or freakouts if I thought people were going to abandon or abuse me. Of course, I spent my adolescence and part of my early 20s romanticizing this idea of an amazing guy who'd save me from myself, but I had to wake up and realize that that's what made my parents land in the miserable marriage they only just started to end recently. I really regret being such an emotional burden to my last ex. At least I have my shit together now and my current bf doesn't have to deal with any instability from me.

Sadly I know many other young women who have yet to wake up and realize they're wasting their youth being giant trainwrecks. Sad, many such cases.

Your writing is high quality.

 

[L50LasPak]

I actually read the article because its still early in the day for me and I haven't yet reached the level of hatred for humanity that allows me to get motivated in the morning.

I have to say, I'm not really sure what you guys are complaining about. There are some unbelieveably awful takes in here but there's about an equal amount of reasonable ones. Hell some of them actually have the self-awareness to question whether or not the whole "the one" thing is just a fantasy. Certainly a lot better than what I would expect from most people, let alone the population of Reddit. This is just a fluff piece.

 

[NyQuilninja]

If at least some of the ladies here have an onlyfans, I'm guessing you'll be able to weed out women like that by not letting hos or anyone with an Onlyfans/camgirl account use you and of course not sticking your dick in crazy. I believe in you friend


If that were only true of women we wouldn't have second marriages where a guy breaks up with his woman of 20 years for a younger model/trophy. I think its a cultural or general people thing.

When a man decides to get rid of a woman. It's usually about sex. What I meant by a woman being perpetually bored and unhappy it's not just about sex it's everything from thier job to their house and everything esle in between. If you live with a woman long enough you start to notice they have a need to want new and better

 

[Haramburger]

Didn't the TV shows of the 80s teach us that if we aren't blissfully happy 24/7 we HAVE to get divorced?

Except for Full House, where the wife was mysteriously dead. Very happy house with three men in charge.

 

[ZeCommissar]

BETA BUCKS

ALPHA FUCKS

 

[Jet Fuel Johnny]

A woman should marry a man she likes and a man should marry a woman he loves.

And a lot of these people don't get the "in love" and "love" thing.

Replacing human interaction with the internet (LOL, I say on a forum) and TV shows have given these people weird ideas about relationships and emotion.

It's not supposed to be 100% "in love whirlwind" 24/7 for the rest of your life. That would be fucking exhausting.

Eh, it's their lives, they can fuck it up how they want.