I will bring up Westboro Baptist Church as a prime example: By now, they have made a name for themselves that I am going to assume everyone knows why. WBC screamed and shouted ....and more people would show up to counteract to their hate...with more hate. (the rare exception was when bikers showed up to make a loud wall of engine noises to block out their shouting at a service for a child) My point is that knee jerk reacting to the tiny number of people screaming and shouting only serves to give attention seeking whores more fuel for their fire... even if its a counter protest.. its still just attention.
Westboro Baptist Church is so fringe, most Christians can't stand them and just want them to go away. Their beliefs are not biblically based at all and it actually irks many Christians to even be associated with them or to even call them a "church" in any sense. Thankfully, I've heard nothing about them for over a decade at this point, so maybe they've just gone away.
I appreciate what you're saying and I'm open to being further convinced of your perspective; I'll make my claims in similarly stark terms to yours.
It is my experience that this attitude of focusing on 'the sin and not the sinner' becomes a more passive-aggressive version of shunning your child. It is a kind of defence mechanism, which serves to uphold a split (in the psychoanalytic sense), black-and-white worldview with no room for ambiguity or flexibility. What this does for the Christian/parents/minister is allow them to maintain an all-good self-concept without addressing the contradictory and difficult feelings provoked by the situation. It's more difficult to actually sink down into the unconscious and investigate what's really going on, which, ironically, would be the old-school Christian mystic approach. This is psychology of religion/ideology 101.
I know someone whose parents took exactly this contradictory, holier-than-thou line: "we love you and accept you fully for who you are, but if only you could see that we/our minister/our book holds the eternal truth of who you ought to be". It actually ended up being worse for him, because now he was faced with this kind of 'fake acceptance' he had to pretend to be all happy otherwise he would be accused of not accepting their religious beliefs, being demanding, being ungrateful, etc. It's a classic abusive tactic. At least if his parents truly did reject him, he said, they'd be acting from a heartfelt place. Instead, their parental instinct was to love and accept him fully but, because they could not reconcile these feelings with their religious beliefs and community, they were forced to adopt this high-and-mighty position of contempt. Again, a classic double-bind which you learn about in psychology of religion/ideology: "we fully accept that you can do what you want; but if you do what you want we will never fully accept you".
These are emotional/psychological manipulations designed to perpetuate internal and external structures of authority within the religious community. They cause harm, in my experience and if you look at the literature on the psychology of religion/ideology.
You call this a psychological manipulation tactic, but it really isn't. Its really no different from any other situation where parents are forced to reconcile the love for their child with the actions they commit, like a parent finding out their daughter is a porn star or prostitute, or finding out their son cheated on his wife: "Baby, I love you, but I can't in good conscience condone what you do." One thing I've noticed on Kiwifarms is that we here generally accept that acceptance is conditional; we are generally very irritated when the Alphabet mafia, especially the Trans Lobby, demand that everyone accept them, "or else". We understand that acceptance is not something to be demanded or forced, and that the better thing to shoot for is tolerance (though we also understand that tolerance cannot be forced, nor should it).
Parents will always have higher levels of acceptance for their children and their life choices. But it would be impractical and unrealistic to expect a parent to accept everything their child does. Even more so when talking about a major moral issue. It sounds like your friend may have had some other issues with his parents outside of whether or not they accepted him as their son and tolerated his homosexuality; maybe they still made clear they held it over his head, or maybe they, as you said, had a holier than thou attitude. Or maybe that's just how your friend perceived it. What he considered contempt was really concern, and they were trying to navigate the situation as well as they possible could, and he interpreted poorly. Maybe your friend was struggling with the acceptance of his own sexuality. I am not him nor have I talked to him personally, so I can't really know. But if his parents did hold him in contempt or have a holier than thou attitude, that is their personal failure as parents.
I think one thing that we generally overlook in these situations is how tough these situations are on the parent and not just the child. Its one thing to find out that your child made a singular mistake or did something you didn't agree with/like in a single situation. Its another to find your child is now in an active situation that you will both have to navigate through, potentially for the rest of his/her life. You recognize what your loved one is doing is sin, but also still love them and you want them to be in good standing with God. To say that this is a conscious manipulation tactic isn't fair nor is it true, at least not in every case. Many parents are struggling with the situation and going through their own emotional turmoil.
This is another sort of disingenuous tactic one often sees with any ideologue trying to convince you: "oh but no-one is forcing you to believe it; it's just that believing it is the only right way".
The Bible never discourages "free thought", period. Christianity is built upon faith, which has nothing to do with you intellectual knowledge or ability (or lack thereof), and this faith must be reached by that person on their own, not forced upon them. This is why I encourage people to read the Bible for themselves and why translating the Bible into the common language was a major pinnacle in Christianity in general and Protestantism in particular. It allowed people to read the Word themselves and come to understand it. And through reading the Word of God, something supernatural happens. Faith in God is not the same as blind faith in a man, or fortune telling. It is something that can only come via hearing or reading the Word of God ("So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God" (Romans 10:17) and achieving saving faith is something supernatural in nature. I won't get into the theological explanation of saving faith but this is just a quick and sloppy explanation.
There is only one way to Heaven; Jesus Christ (
"Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."" (John 14:6 NKJV)) That is a simple fact. I can't force you to believe it. But it is no less true than the law of gravity. Whether you come to believe it or not, is a matter of faith, not your intelligence.
The Bible does not place much stock in man's knowledge or intelligence because it is so limited and susceptible to man's foibles and failures, that it isn't worth much in the face of an infinite God:
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the Lord and depart from evil." (Proverbs 3:5-7 NKJV)
The Bible, however, never encourages Christians to toss aside their minds and say, blindly follow leaders or pastors, or stop thinking for themselves. The Bible commands Christians to be able to defend their faith, and, by extension, know their faith:
"But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts, and always be ready to give a defense to everyone who asks you a reason for the hope that is in you, with meekness and fear." (I Peter 3:15 NKJV)
The Bible encourages people to seek knowledge:
"The heart of the prudent acquires knowledge, And the ear of the wise seeks knowledge." (Proverbs 18:15 NKJV)
"The heart of him who has understanding seeks knowledge, But the mouth of fools feeds on foolishness." (Proverbs 15:14 NKJV)
Indeed, knowledge and wisdom are held in high esteem:
"There is gold and a multitude of rubies, But the lips of knowledge are a precious jewel." (Proverbs 20:15 NKJV)
And ultimately, all knowledge and wisdom flows from God:
"The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, But fools despise wisdom and instruction." (Proverbs 1:7 NKJV)
"For the LORD gives wisdom; From His mouth come knowledge and understanding" (Proverbs 2:6 NKJV)
"Teach me good judgment and knowledge, For I believe Your commandments." (Psalms 119:66 NKJV; the psalmist speaking to God directly)
"The Spirit of the LORD shall rest upon Him, The Spirit of wisdom and understanding, The Spirit of counsel and might, The Spirit of knowledge and of the fear of the LORD." (Isaiah 11:2 NKJV)
So when I say that the Bible encourages us think and attain knowledge, and gain understanding, I mean it. But, attaining faith in God should be first and foremost, for all the knowledge in the world will not matter without that.
The directives would focus more on religion proper and not on ideology.
Religion, ideology, philosophy, etc. should not matter to the Christian one iota. These things are what keep people from God, not get you closer to him. Christianity is about having a personal
relationship with the Lord, not following religious precepts. For Jesus, and God, by extension, religion is not following precepts or set rules but this:
"Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world." (James 1:27 NKJV)
The Bible warns against embroiling yourself in "religion" or philosophy of any kind:
"Beware lest anyone cheat you through philosophy and empty deceit, according to the tradition of men, according to the basic principles of the world, and not according to Christ." (Colossians 2:8 NKJV)
Peoples, both then and today, delude themselves with their false faiths and set themselves up for failure:
"The craftsman stretches out his rule, He marks one out with chalk; He fashions it with a plane, He marks it out with the compass, And makes it like the figure of a man, According to the beauty of a man, that it may remain in the house. He cuts down cedars for himself, And takes the cypress and the oak; He secures it for himself among the trees of the forest. He plants a pine, and the rain nourishes it. Then it shall be for a man to burn, For he will take some of it and warm himself; Yes, he kindles it and bakes bread; Indeed he makes a god and worships it; He makes it a carved image, and falls down to it. He burns half of it in the fire; With this half he eats meat; He roasts a roast, and is satisfied. He even warms himself and says, “Ah! I am warm, I have seen the fire.” And the rest of it he makes into a god, His carved image. He falls down before it and worships it, Prays to it and says, “Deliver me, for you are my god!” They do not know nor understand; For He has shut their eyes, so that they cannot see, And their hearts, so that they cannot understand. And no one considers in his heart, Nor is there knowledge nor understanding to say, “I have burned half of it in the fire, Yes, I have also baked bread on its coals; I have roasted meat and eaten it; And shall I make the rest of it an abomination? Shall I fall down before a block of wood?” He feeds on ashes; A deceived heart has turned him aside; And he cannot deliver his soul, Nor say, “Is there not a lie in my right hand?” (Isaiah 44 13-20 NKJV)
There are others, even so called Christians who adhere to religiosity, whose "religion" is relying upon rule keeping, ceremony, and tradition to curry favor with God. The Scribes and the Pharisees had such religion, and Jesus was not impressed:
“Beware of the scribes, who desire to go around in long robes, love greetings in the marketplaces, the best seats in the synagogues, and the best places at feasts who devour widows’ houses, and for a pretense make long prayers. These will receive greater condemnation.” (Luke 20:46–47 NKJV)
“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs which indeed appear beautiful outwardly, but inside are full of dead men’s bones and all uncleanness. Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! Because you build the tombs of the prophets and adorn the monuments of the righteous, and say, ‘If we had lived in the days of our fathers, we would not have been partakers with them in the blood of the prophets.’ “Therefore you are witnesses against yourselves that you are sons of those who murdered the prophets. Fill up, then, the measure of your fathers’ guilt. Serpents, brood of vipers! How can you escape the condemnation of hell?" (Matthew 23: 27-33)
The Bible says that in the last days there will be men who will come
"having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away!" (II Timothy 3:5 NKJV). Thus we must avoid false "religion". True religion is based on relationship, particularly a relationship to God and Jesus, for, as Jesus said,
“If you love Me, keep My commandments." (John 14:15 NKJV), and as Paul says:
"Love does no harm to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfillment of the law." (Romans 13:10 NKJV)
Read widely and openly, drawing on many different traditions. Focus especially on understanding people and traditions who believe differently form you, or who provoke difficult feelings in you.
The only thing that the Christian need read and draw from is the Bible, the word of God. I'll throw out a theological term here, and that is "sufficiency". It is a theological concept that is studied in systematic theology, but I'll just briefly give the definition: "The sufficiency of Scripture means that Scripture contained all the words of God he intended his people to have at each stage of redemptive history, and that it now contains everything we need God to tell us for salvation, for trusting him perfectly, and for obeying him perfectly." The Bible alone is sufficient for Christians. Leaning about other faiths is nice and I encourage people to study other faiths, to understand a bit of where others come from, but it is no requirement of the Christian to deeply familiarize himself with the faiths of others, and there is nothing he can draw upon from other false faiths. The Bible is sufficient for religious truth.
Remaining attached to the idea that your view on reality is the ultimate and universal truth is a defence against dropping down into the difficult journey into self.
There is but one universal religious truth: the truth that man is lost in his sin, in need of a savior, and Jesus is that savior, having come to die for the sins of the world to save those lost in sin. That God sent him here to redeem mankind back to him. Anything that does not line with that truth is not from God and therefore must be taken as a lie.
I'll let you in on a little secret: all Christians, even the most devout, question God sometimes, or doubt their faith. All question their faith at some point, but this is natural. It does not cause them to lose their saving faith. Knowledge, fear, doubt...none of these can override true faith.
