Personal Lolcows - Lolcows in your personal life.

[1d4]

paul, on the other hand, has never been particularly fun to be around (mainly because my first contact with him as a person was him trying to harass me for making fun of some posts he'd made about my little pony via a tumblr blog i used to run), but for the most part me and my friends put up with him -- or at least we did for awhile. about the same time that "erin" flipped out, paul took to harassing me and my friends for a couple of silly reasons (which are in no particular order: documenting his stupidity over the years on our community wiki, which he claims is "defamation" and "federally illegal," that "making fun of his pony autism" bit, and something which i can best summarize as "creating multiple forums under his name in an attempt to tarnish his good name") and since then has made no less than three hollow legal threats, threatened me and one other person equally as hollowly with "SJW squads" and "stalking groups," and in general, just been the textbook definition of a lolcow (he even has aspergers, which he actually refuses to accept to the point of rejecting the doctor's diagnosis!)

so, yeah. make of those as you will.

i'm back with more of this because i'm unsure as to whether or not he has enough content to sustain a thread in the actual lolcow board and because as far as i know, he's only 17 and therefore probably can't have a thread anyways.

but, besides the point, here's two more filler-like tales of PAUL i have at the ready while i go try and compile the really good stuff

Spoiler: PAUL AND THE STORY OF THE ZOO

in his own words:

ok so my sister god this is going to be hard to tell

my OLDER sister told me that she wanted to go to the zoo and my aunt informed me that if that was the case she'd have to drag me there and I wouldn't be able to use the computer until it closed at 8 (we planned to get there at 4) and I didn't like that and I hurled my typical G-rated insults at my sister ('fat', 'dumb') because she was being difficult and then she started whining about if I really thought she was fat and I kept saying "NO YOU'RE NOT FAT NO YOU'RE NOT FAT" and she put her legs on my extremely fragile and prone-to-power-failure laptop and asked if they were fat and naturally my laptop shuts off and I lose everything and I get mad and I hit her laptop over the bed and my knee and then she starts hitting me and it explodes into a huge fight and we have to call our parents and all and my aunt says that as punishment she's taking our computers and that her head hurts too much to go to the zoo and my sister explodes and hits me some more and eventually my aunt decides to give us our computers back but my sister's still really fucking pissed because she wanted to go to the zoo so she turns on her computer and it "doesn't turn on!!" (specific isn't in her vocabulary) and I hear her crying in the shower and over the phone with my dad but I don't know why and then she hands me the phone and Dad says that her computer isn't working and I flip out because she acts like she deserved it but the fact that it might be a hard drive failure means she loses all her shit which isn't a good thing and she won't let me service it or apologize or even play nice music or anything and I've just felt awful

tl;dr I broke my sister's laptop kind of on purpose and she's really fucking upset

https://archive.is/F7Aop

translation: paul here didn't want to go to the zoo, got mad about it, then his (little) sister made the heinous mistake of accidentally turning his computer off and he exploded and proceeded to bash the computer against his bed and knee so hard that he (almost assuredly) permanently broke the laptop and made his sister lose literally everything she had on it

over not wanting to go to the zoo.

Spoiler: PAUL AND THE TIME HE RATED HIS (OLDER) SISTER'S TITS

his words again:

meh they seem too firm and maybe a little too small for me then again i'm a virgin and this is my first time seeing someone i actually know naked

that being said if she WEREN'T MY FUCKING SISTER, they wouldn't bother me. just not impressive

https://archive.is/qV9F4

the context behind this was that paul had found out his older sister (17 at the time for record; paul was probably early-to-mid 15 when this happened) was e-whoring on youtube with an unlisted video and for some reason he felt it was necessary to bring this up to people publicly even though nobody really cared. since he did though, one person jokingly asked him "what do you rate her boobs," and then -- him being literally autistic -- he actually did, leading to the hilarious quote you see above.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

In high school, I knew this kid who was, I believe, a compulsive liar. His name was Jerry, but for some reason he'd want everyone to call him "Marshall." I don't know why, because it wasn't part of his name at all (his middle initial was A). Nobody ever called him Marshall, though. He'd get really mad at first, but eventually he just kinda dropped it. He was a gigantic nerd, but he'd always tell these obviously fake stories about how he was a member of the Crips and that he regularly participated in drive-bys.

He'd also make up fake girlfriends for himself. It was kind of like the classic "girlfriend in Canada" comedy scenario. He was supposedly never single, but his girlfriends were always conveniently old enough to be out of school, or went to a different school, or whatever. His Facebook (which I don't think is active anymore) never had any pictures of anybody but him, and he'd never list anybody as his girlfriend. He'd just have the vague "in a relationship" status. Some of his claims were humorous and occasionally contradicted each other. For example, one time he claimed to have fathered a child with one of his imaginary girlfriends, and another time he said that he didn't have any kids, but that his girlfriend did and he'd have to take care of them like their stepfather.

He was also a fan of the WWE and talked about it as though he thought it were real (whether or not he actually did, I can't say, though I wouldn't put it past him). Nobody liked him, and everyone was always mean to him because they thought he was annoying (though he was pretty dickish, too, so it was deserved), but he thought that everyone liked him, and that they only acted like that to him because they were jealous. I didn't know him well enough to know if he was autistic or anything, but given his behavior, it's guaranteed that he had SOME kind of disorder.

I actually knew a lot of...interesting people in high school. I've got a pretty good amount of stories, some of which may sound a bit fabricated because of how crazy they are, but they're all true.

 

[kagayaki]

In high school, I knew this kid who was, I believe, a compulsive liar. His name was Jerry, but for some reason he'd want everyone to call him "Marshall." I don't know why, because it wasn't part of his name at all (his middle initial was A). Nobody ever called him Marshall, though. He'd get really mad at first, but eventually he just kinda dropped it. He was a gigantic nerd, but he'd always tell these obviously fake stories about how he was a member of the Crips and that he regularly participated in drive-bys. He'd also make up fake girlfriends for himself. It was kind of like the classic "girlfriend in Canada" comedy scenario. He was supposedly never single, but his girlfriends were always conveniently old enough to be out of school, or went to a different school, or whatever. His Facebook (which I don't think is active anymore) never had any pictures of anybody but him, and he'd never list anybody as his girlfriend. He'd just have the vague "in a relationship" status. Some of his claims were humorous and occasionally contradicted each other. For example, one time he claimed to have fathered a child with one of his imaginary girlfriends, and another time he said that he didn't have any kids, but that his girlfriend did and he'd have to take care of them like their stepfather. He was also a fan of the WWE and talked about it as though he thought it were real (whether or not he actually did, I can't say, though I wouldn't put it past him). Nobody liked him, and everyone was always mean to him because they thought he was annoying (though he was pretty dickish, too, so it was deserved), but he thought that everyone liked him, and that they only acted like that to him because they were jealous. I didn't know him well enough to know if he was autistic or anything, but given his behavior, it's guaranteed that he had SOME kind of disorder.

I actually knew a lot of...interesting people in high school. I've got a pretty good amount of stories, some of which may sound a bit fabricated because of how crazy they are, but they're all true.

Please share your stories with us.

 

[Trans Fat 41g]

This wasn't an LOLCow in the sense that he was an idiot, or acted out of sheer impulse, but how gross and intimidatingly huge he was.

Kid named Anthony. Real swell guy if you can get past the fact he's wearing the same worn-thin gray/black shirt, gray sweats, and a backpack which looks like something out of a failed drive by shooting or bombing -- and the smell, and the inhumane eating habits... He's also triple wide and surprisingly quick for his girth. I didn't socialize much in high school but I hung around some very... Interesting individuals. Anyways he was able to smooth talk one of the teachers in a very sexual demeanor. This guy has no real hygiene mind you.

A disabled kid in my class, now if he wasn't a total sleazy creep that molested a student I wouldn't have even made fun of his vocal ticks but alas... All I can say, he loved the color 'Brown'. "Black people are brown, not black, can't people get that through their goddamn head?", and the classic "IT'S YELLOW NOT BROWN WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME."

This one other 'special' kid was a real psychopath. At one point when my peers exited the room he threw a desk across the room. He also threatened to kill everyone when lunch was over with.

 

[Tailypo]

Now that I think about it, I realize that I have known quite a lot of lolcows than I had previously imagined, all ranging from elementary school to college. But I think I’ll start with my personal favorite.

Back in high school, there was this girl who could only be described as a walking tub of lard. I’ve been told that she used to be an average skinny kid when she was little, so I can only guess that she got to this point after she forgot how to stop stuffing her face once she was full.

Anyway. She was pretty much what you would expect from a fat lolcow. She was dumb, annoying, and loud. Sometimes she would screech at the top of her lungs for no reason and wouldn’t shut up until the teachers told her to shut up. One time we went to the Renaissance fair on a school trip and she constantly shrieked on the bus for no apparent reason during the entire ride. It was so bad that she was not allowed back on the bus when the trip was coming to an end and had to be driven home by her stepmother.

As I mentioned before, she was really dumb and would say the stupidest things. My favorite moment of her stupidity was during lunchtime, when she announced that she was going to go on a diet and lose weight…right before she devoured three chicken burgers. Yeah. I’ve never seen her attempt at a diet after that.

But no amount of stupidity or general annoyance could compare to what a disgusting fat slob she was. One time, during biology class, she stepped into the classroom with her front pants zipper completely undone. Being the giant sack of lard that she was, her school uniform needed be custom made since there were no clothing normally made in her size, but even that wasn’t enough to keep the zipper from breaking. Her gut stuck out like a bulging tumor, and a kid who sat in the front row and was closest to her said he saw her pubic hair. I’m pretty sure it traumatized him for life.

That’s not the worst of it, kiwis. My school was actually two small buildings attached to each other (one was the high school and the other was the middle school) and we had a very small attendance of students. The biggest number of students we had was around 30 kids or so, and because of this miniscule size, the boys’ bathroom and the girls’ bathroom had one toilet each. I think you can see where I’m going with this. One day, I asked to be excused from class to use the bathroom. I pushed open the door to the little girl’s room and was met with the horrific sight of the aftermath of someone who took a massive diarrhea dump that filled up the entire toilet. To rub salt in the wound, the toilet was also broken, and so the liquid shit could not be flushed away. We didn’t figure out who did it right away, but word of mouth got out that someone saw the fat girl using the bathroom before me.

Since she was a grade above me, she eventually graduated and I never saw her again. Her stepbrother, however, still went to our school, and the stories about her continued. One time, his friends were staying over at his place for the night, and one of them went to use the bathroom. Fatty’s bedroom was right across from the bathroom, and as the kid made his way down the hallway, he saw that her door was wide open and witnessed a giant mountain of flesh lying naked on the bed and masturbating. He was never the same again.

I’ve stopped hearing about her after I’ve graduated, but according to a friend of mine, she actually got fatter since the last time I saw her. What an accomplishment.

 

[Adamska]

-Insert Story of Fatty Here-

Oh shit, reminds me a bit of Benito, particularly with the lardiness and the whole destroying toilets thing. Lemme guess; she didn't bathe either.

 

[Korilakkuma]

Are they obsessed with Mr. Frond? Lately on tumblr I've been seeing some really stupid drawings of Frond. With the belcher kids hugging him and they're drawn in a cutsey poo style.

Yeah.

 

[Jewelsmakerguy]

Oh shit, reminds me a bit of Benito, particularly with the lardiness and the whole destroying toilets thing. Lemme guess; she didn't bathe either.

Taking into consideration how fat she is. I doubt she'd be even able to fit into the bathtub, and if she does, probably wouldn't be able to get out of it.

 

[tomgirl4life]

Fat girls are gross

Sounds like you may have gone to school with the Slaton sisters.

On a pubic hair related note, I was a music major in college, so naturally there were lots of concerts where I either was performing or was in the audience of. There was a former red-headed french horn major who was really annoying and made a point of creeping on the big guys, which was unwelcome because she was not the most attractive person physically or personality-wise. One of the concerts we held every year was a "Prism" concert, where different ensembles were stationed in different areas around the concert hall, some on stage, some in the boxes, some in the balcony, so there was no break between one ensemble and the next and the music came from all around you. It's pretty neat to experience.

During the french horn choir performance, I was with the rest of the trombones in one of the box seats so we were looking from above. While they were playing we noticed a lot of people in the audience pulling out their cell phones and holding it up like they were recording. "That's odd..." we thought, because it wasn't that great a performance. When we got back stage after the trombone choir repertoire was done we found out that the red-headed french horn player's dress, while okay as dresses go, was apparently completely see-through under the stage lights and she apparently had decided to go commando. Everyone in the audience was taking pictures of her vagina, and she got the nickname Firebush.

 

[meshuggahlumps]

People in my lil community who can't fucking spell and curse like they are a 9-year-old wanna-be thug.. Especially on facebook. Exibit A:

And for your viewing pleasure or in case you thought that was a one of typo incedent here are Exibit's B, C, D and E:

 

[yasscat]

People in my lil community who can't fucking spell and curse like they are a 9-year-old wanna-be thug.. Especially on facebook. Exibit A:

And for your viewing pleasure or in case you thought that was a one of typo incedent here are Exibit's B, C, D and E:

Aaaaand my eyes are bleeding now.

 

[Gothicserpent]

People in my lil community who can't fucking spell and curse like they are a 9-year-old wanna-be thug.. Especially on facebook. Exibit A:

And for your viewing pleasure or in case you thought that was a one of typo incedent here are Exibit's B, C, D and E:

Obeme is nug

 

[Tailypo]

Oh shit, reminds me a bit of Benito, particularly with the lardiness and the whole destroying toilets thing. Lemme guess; she didn't bathe either.

I'm starting to think it's in a lolcow's nature to destroy toilets.

Looking back, I've never noticed any funky smell emitting from her, so I'm assuming that she had the decency to wash herself. However, her hair was pretty greasy, so I don't think she did a good enough job.

Sounds like you may have gone to school with the Slaton sisters.

On a pubic hair related note, I was a music major in college, so naturally there were lots of concerts where I either was performing or was in the audience of. There was a former red-headed french horn major who was really annoying and made a point of creeping on the big guys, which was unwelcome because she was not the most attractive person physically or personality-wise. One of the concerts we held every year was a "Prism" concert, where different ensembles were stationed in different areas around the concert hall, some on stage, some in the boxes, some in the balcony, so there was no break between one ensemble and the next and the music came from all around you. It's pretty neat to experience.

During the french horn choir performance, I was with the rest of the trombones in one of the box seats so we were looking from above. While they were playing we noticed a lot of people in the audience pulling out their cell phones and holding it up like they were recording. "That's odd..." we thought, because it wasn't that great a performance. When we got back stage after the trombone choir repertoire was done we found out that the red-headed french horn player's dress, while okay as dresses go, was apparently completely see-through under the stage lights and she apparently had decided to go commando. Everyone in the audience was taking pictures of her vagina, and she got the nickname Firebush.

I can't look at these women for five minutes without feeling nauseous.

Holy shit, going commando while wearing a dress is rarely a good idea, even if said dress isn't see-through.

 

[sparklemilhouse]

I wonder if Deanna knows Maria (craftybeautydiva1). They both have the same intelligence.

 

[Tehshigelisok]

The first one that comes to mind:

About a decade ago, I met Lolcow #1 (not using his first name since he's been on TV) on AIM through Mutual Friend. Lolcow #1 seemed kind of naïve and sheltered; among other things, he didn't understand at first that major television networks have multiple affiliates across the country, and thus, I would not be watching the same CBS channel in Michigan that he would be in Nevada. I think I had to explain this to him two or three times before he got it. He was also obsessed with what slippers I was wearing, and constantly calling me "buddy". I never blocked him, but simply deleted him from my friends list after one slipper discussion too many.

Many years later, Mutual Friend and I were chatting on Facebook, and he mentioned that he had blocked Lolcow #1 on both AIM and Facebook, not only because of the slipper fetish getting too creepy for him, but also for some unintentionally homophobic remarks (Mutual Friend is gay, I'm bi, and we both think Lolcow #1 is repressed). I then discovered that Lolcow #1 had been on both The Price Is Right and Wheel of Fortune. He came off a bit awkward and assburger-y, but also played both games very well and even won a decent chunk of change on both.

Lolcow #1 sent me a friend request on Facebook a couple years ago, and I somewhat hesitantly accepted. So far he's been a bit more subdued, although he does constantly bother me with updates on how many subscribers Wink Martindale's YouTube channel has (Wink Martindale is a former game show host who posts rare and vintage game show clips on YouTube) or just asks me how I'm doing and says nothing more.

====

There are lolcows in my family, including my homeless dad who is practically the only living member on his side of the family, but I don't know how comfortable I'd be sharing it.

 

[VLAD]

I spent some time at an idyllic small-size liberal arts college located in upstate New York. We had a student-staffed wing of security called Campus Patrol, and our job was to walk around the campus late at night with a flashlight. We'd tell students having sex under the big willow tree to go get a room, make sure kids on acid knew how to find their way back to their dorm, stuff like that. If we saw a legit threat like an armed trespasser, our official instructions were to run and hide. But I digress.

We had a few students who were homeschooled and didn't really know how to socialize all that well. Thomas was one of them. Within a few weeks of his first freshman semester, he had already earned a reputation as a pretty big sperg. I understand that if you're a homeschooled white kid with the middle name Siddhartha, then you're probably not used to being in situations where you don't get your way, but that's still no excuse for literally flipping a table after you lose a round of Magic cards.

He also believed in real-life magic, the kind with a "k" on the end. He didn't have any curse-ye-ha-me-ha moments, though; his particular brand of magick was something else.

Anyway, Thomas and I were both on Campus Patrol. I really enjoyed working that job, because it was pretty low-stress and you could set your own hours and take whichever shifts you wanted. So I noticed that Thomas had snatched up all the late night/early morning shifts during midterms week, which I thought was a bit weird. I'd use that time for studying. So I asked him why he picked up all those shifts, and I expected him to answer with plans to save up for a super-rare card on Ebay he needed to complete a certain deck or whatever. But no.

"Well," he said, "there's this girl I like, and I'm making a love potion to put into her morning coffee, and the plant I need to harvest is most potent when gathered under the light of the full moon."

How the fuck do you even respond to that?

Incidentally, he got himself banned from the dorm that girl lived in for stalking her. Last I heard, he had gone transgender and was identifying as a lesbian.

I don't keep in touch with him anymore.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

This isn't my personal lolcow, but in 9th grade, my civics teacher told my class a story about one of his personal lolcows. When he was in college, he was placed in a dorm with a man known locally around the campus as "Evil Eric." Evil Eric was a short man with spiky blonde hair. This was a while ago that I heard this story so I may be forgetting some things, but the main thing I remember was that one night, Eric asked my teacher if he'd come with him. He didn't specify where they'd be going or what they'd be doing, or anything. Teacher declined, so Eric left by himself. Later that night, Eric was arrested in his underwear, covered in the blood of a freshly-killed goat. Apparently, he was trying to perform some sort of satanic ritual. My teacher never saw him again after that.

 

[meshuggahlumps]

I wonder if Deanna knows Maria (craftybeautydiva1). They both have the same intelligence.

Could be! I have come cross a surprising number of people like Deanna on facebook but Deanna takes the cake. I am no saint and God knows I do make typos but Jesus, what a racist potty mouth she has!

 

[Arrosoir]

There's a Youtube channel I follow ran by a severely autistic guy, with a very small number of subscribers. The stuff he uploads is always very bizarre, incomprehensible mash ups of his favourite media - "mario vs link", stuff like that. It has a sort of outsider art feeling to it. But I don't want to name him because he's quite harmless and I don't want people tracking him down and trying to be epick trolls.

 

[Adamska]

There's a Youtube channel I follow ran by a severely autistic guy, with a very small number of subscribers. The stuff he uploads is always very bizarre, incomprehensible mash ups of his favourite media - "mario vs link", stuff like that. It has a sort of outsider art feeling to it. But I don't want to name him because he's quite harmless and I don't want people tracking him down and trying to be epick trolls.

Details on his videos or why he's lulzworthy? Because this really lacks on any reason why this guy is particularly interesting, and mash-ups like that are not only pennies a dozen but can be done in video game form.