Spunt's helpful guide to Britain for fat Americans - Learn about Anglos so you can hate them better

[Sleazy Car Salesman]

I really love the candid nature of this, it's incredibly opinionated but that's why I trust that it comes from a place of sincerity.

 

[Easterling]

Did pikies originate from Northern Ireland, or are they the Republicans' revenge on Britain?

BTW loving this series @Spunt ... I've learned more about the UK and British/Irish history over the last few pages than I had up until this point in my life.

pikies are irish travellers, throw in all the bad parts of gypsies and irish and you've got a good idea why everyone hates them.

 

[Pargon]

This is the most entertaining thread on the Farms. I haven’t laughed this hard reading something on the internet in a long time; it reminds me of the well-crafted pieces I’d read on Ubersite back in the mid-aughts. Thank you based @Spunt and other bongs, I am a happy burger.

 

[Monkey Shoulder]

1. If I was to go to anywhere in the UK that doesn't greet people with a knife or fist, how do I not annoy people? I'm a generally friendly and sunny kind of gal when I'm not making emulator devs and trans kill themselves, what's the base level of friendliness most Bonglanders tollerate if any at all? How do I mingle without making people uncomfortable?

Not a bong, but I've been to England a number of times, and never had much of a problem with getting along with the locals. I'm usually pretty drunk when I'm over there though, since it's been football related.

 

[Spunt]

Not a bong, but I've been to England a number of times, and never had much of a problem with getting along with the locals. I'm usually pretty drunk when I'm over there though, since it's been football related.

We don't, by and large, hate Americans, at least not in the big touristy cities, you're just another bunch of foreigners in ugly outfits buying tat from souvenir shops and at least you (sort of) speak English. Most English people in particular just find Americans over here hilarious to be honest, because they turn up expecting the place to be exactly like the USA and it isn't, at all, and the looks on their little faces when they realise that they can't see every UK city in a single day is adorable.

But you might get issues in rural areas. An American friend of mine married an English guy and moved to the far North of Scotland, and they encountered genuine hostility from the locals - they actually hated her more for being American than they hated him for being English. Apparently in Inverness, if you say "I'm American", that is interpreted as "Yee Haw, I'm George Dubya Trump III and I'm here to lynch niggers and steal all your oil."

Most of the UK is fine to visit, like most of the US is. Living here though is a different matter.

 

[Monkey Shoulder]

We don't, by and large, hate Americans, at least not in the big touristy cities, you're just another bunch of foreigners in ugly outfits buying tat from souvenir shops and at least you (sort of) speak English. Most English people in particular just find Americans over here hilarious to be honest, because they turn up expecting the place to be exactly like the USA and it isn't, at all, and the looks on their little faces when they realise that they can't see every UK city in a single day is adorable.

But you might get issues in rural areas. An American friend of mine married an English guy and moved to the far North of Scotland, and they encountered genuine hostility from the locals - they actually hated her more for being American than they hated him for being English. Apparently in Inverness, if you say "I'm American", that is interpreted as "Yee Haw, I'm George Dubya Trump III and I'm here to lynch niggers and steal all your oil."

Most of the UK is fine to visit, like most of the US is. Living here though is a different matter.

Should mention that I'm not a burger either.

 

[Dunkleosteus]

Do you think there should be a version of this guide for Australia?

That'd be a fun one because we're kinda like the retarded love child of Merica and Britain that nobody likes to acknowledge unless it's to start a war, look good in trade agreements or to complain about colonisation and whitey.

I'd volunteer but I'm not nearly as articulate as Spunt and would do it a disservice



Edit: Why are they called pikeys? Is it like the fish, because they should all be thrown into spike pits or is it just some British thing I don't understand?

I

 

[Spunt]

Edit: Why are they called pikeys? Is it like the fish, because they should all be thrown into spike pits or is it just some British thing I don't understand?

I

It comes from the word "Pike" meaning "Road", because they travel on the road. It's still used in the US in the word "Turnpike", meaning a toll road.

 

[419]

If you want to see some truly horrific border drawing just to fuck with the native peoples and prevent them from getting too uppity, take a look at how Stalin drew the map around the Ferghana Valley.

If you think that's bad then try to remember what the border between India and Bangladesh used to look like after the British Partition of India up until just 6 years ago. It was so unbelievably bad that it meant there existed the only third-order enclave in the world.

 

[Shig O'nella]

1. If I was to go to anywhere in the UK that doesn't greet people with a knife or fist, how do I not annoy people? I'm a generally friendly and sunny kind of gal when I'm not making emulator devs and trans kill themselves, what's the base level of friendliness most Bonglanders tollerate if any at all? How do I mingle without making people uncomfortable?

Serious answer? Treat the UK more or less like OT threads here. Don't power level, don't ask intrusive questions and don't expect friendship. That'll see you right 90% of the time. The other 10% is just part of being in the UK.

 

[White Trash Motorsport]

As a fellow Bonglander I’d like to add a couple of notes-
Liverpool
There is, surisingly, not much of note there. It’s a lot like Southampton but with added BEATLESBEATLESBEATLESBEATLESBEATLESBEATLES.
Bristol
Although the more central bits are full of immigrants and dangerhairs of nebulous gender, it’s ringed by absolute shit holes entirely populated by stabby white trash.

Also, Banksy is not that bloke from Massive Attack. Banksy is a guy named Robin Gunningham who started tagging as Robin Banks while he was pretty much still at school (the then private, fee paying Cathedral Chior School). All evidence to the contrary is purely circumstantial. I could add more, but it’d be a major PL.
This is him.


Queen’s Guard
Yeah, they wear cute outfits, but they’re active servicemen so do not fuck with them. They will happily commit minor assault on any tourist retarded enough to piss them off. Same goes for the Yeoman Warders at the Tower. Sure, they’re all friendly middle aged guys who wear Tudor cosplay and keep ravens, but they’re all retired servicemen with exemplary records. They could kill you with their bare hands and not break a sweat.

 

[Captain Hastings Official]

Do you think there should be a version of this guide for Australia?

Fuck, there should be a version of this guide for America. Despite everyone's complaints about the ignorance of Americans about the rest of the world, it's sometimes shocking how little Euros know about America.

There's the joke about "in America, people think 100 years is old, and in Europe, people think 100 miles is far," and that's part of it. I've had to explain to British tourists in rural Northern California that no, they can't just take a quick hop over to Missouri, that's as far away as Kiev is from Paris.

Hell, rural America is weird in ways that even many Americans don't know about. Examples from my experience:

* Tiny, 99% Norwegian towns in the vast wastes of the northern prairies where a marriage with someone from the one 99% Danish town in the area is considered "mixed."
* "Football towns" in the Appalachian foothills where every newborn baby boy is gifted a helmet by the coach of the High School football team.
* Weird homesteaders in the exceptionally rugged mountains of northern California who, even in the year of our lord 2021, only come in to 'town' (whose population of 8,000 makes it the second largest town in a county the size of Cornwall) twice a year: once for the county fair, and once for the rodeo.
* The ranching town a couple valleys over, where it's still insensitive to make "drinking the kool-aid" jokes, because there's too many locals with relatives who were in Guyana in 1978.
* The PA industrial city where conspiracy theories about a 150 year old natural ("natural"???) disaster are still a going concern.

 

[TiggerNits]

As a fellow Brit (and fellow ex-serviceman) who emigrated to Texas I can confirm your friends are correct and that Texas, or at least most of it (fuck you DFW you shithole), is unfathomably based compared to the UK.

It seems a pattern where brits who served well in the services seem to end up wanting to come to the states when its over. Maybe it's the respect we give our vets, maybe its the personal freedoms, maybe its the ease in avoiding muslims and gypsies across 98% of the country. But whatever it is, the pull is so hard it even got the ginger prince





I'm kidding, Harry got pulled here by the sheer force of crazy bitch pussy

 

[Spunt]

You can keep Harry, he's a cuck and a moron and nobody here really cares for him very much.

You can also keep Piers Morgan and John Oliver. Or chuck them in the ocean.

 

[User names must be unique]

You can keep Harry, he's a cuck and a moron and nobody here really cares for him very much.

I always got the feeling people used to like him when he was a loutish prick best known for drinking smoking and dressing like a Nazi or when he was blowing up brown people from his apache.

You can also keep Piers Morgan and John Oliver. Or chuck them in the ocean.

and James Corden,

 

[East_Clintwood]

It seems a pattern where brits who served well in the services seem to end up wanting to come to the states when its over. Maybe it's the respect we give our vets, maybe its the personal freedoms, maybe its the ease in avoiding muslims and gypsies across 98% of the country. But whatever it is, the pull is so hard it even got the ginger prince





I'm kidding, Harry got pulled here by the sheer force of crazy bitch pussy

I don't think it's the respect thing, mostly because a lot of your country does not treat it's vets anywhere as well as it likes to make out. I think it's a combination of things
1)The personal freedoms thing, especially around guns (since they're anywhere from a pain in the arse to all but impossible to get in the UK)
2)Opportunity. Anyone with a decent soldiering background can get a decent job with relative ease, goddamn recruiters for security and contracting companies were fucking everywhere at one point.
3)America is generally seen as similar enough to the UK in terms of language/culture etc that it makes for an easy transition compared to say moving to China
4)Romanticization(Which is kind of a mixture of all of the above).

 

[NSA]

I thought the UK was just a meme, so this is very informative.

The reason Burgerlanders know nothing of the world isn't because we aren't taught it, it's because we delete the information as irrelevant. I know I had some sort of world history class in school, but it's like missing time. Everyone jokes about how they took 3 years of Spanish class and can only remember how to say "taco", but at least that's something.

I do remember my American history though:

1492: Columbus sailed the ocean blue
1776: GOD BLESS AMERICA
????: Slaves are freed!
19??: AMERICA SAVES THE WORLD: PART 1
19??: AMERICA SAVES THE WORLD: PART 2
19?? - 1991: Coomunism is defeated.
9/11/2001: Mohammed attacks us for literally no reason.

 

[Least Concern]

Yeah, this thread keeps getting better. Great work, @Spunt . This is the kind of thread that makes the Farms one of the greatest places on the Internet and all the more a damn shame if some dickweed finally succeeds in knocking it offline (though I'm not sure if anything short of murdering Null will be successful at this point).

A similar thread to explain America for foreigners would be useful, but probably tough to write without annoying other Americans since a Californian, a Wisconsinite, and a Floridian would all write very different content, I think. But I do think there are some common questions about the guns thing, the fat thing, the world police thing, etc. which could have some funny and interesting explanations.

 

[We!]

high tea in the palace, mate

 

[The Magnificence]

* The PA industrial city where conspiracy theories about a 150 year old natural ("natural"???) disaster are still a going concern.

...is it fucky that I instantly knew exactly what you were talking about and I have never so much as set foot in PA...?