- Joined
- Nov 4, 2017
In case anyone remembers Jenner from page 151, she posted this thing to B+R a few weeks ago.
https://archive.md/058lD
To all the communities I was a member of from Althena’s Court
Online, The Cat Ladies Crew, The LP.Zone, Fail Pile, The Untitled
Gaming Group (Unofficial Name), The BreadnRoses.net
community, etc it is my wish that it be known that I, the member
known as Jenner, desire what I believe the truth to be known.
Firstly I've been informed this reads like a suicide note to
some which wasn't my intention. I can be very dramatic so
before you continue please be assured I will not be making
any attempts on my life whatsoever and I am being looked
after by both meatspace and online loved ones (which include
you). Ok? Ok.
Secondly here's the rest of the message: It is Saturday, July 17th,
2021 at 7:20 am EDT when I began this document and I've been
having some pretty serious health shit going on since Monday of
this week and I haven't been meaning to leave anyone in the dark
I'm just exhausted and it takes a lot to explain everything and I
have a lot of people to explain everything to. (I also worry about
causing additional distress.)
.
I have chronic severe suicidal ideation and a host of other nasty
mental illnesses and some physical disabilities too.
And this month, July, is the month a woman I loved, my secret
fiance, died by suicide (in 2005 my original fiance succumbed to
suicide on July 25th--it's been 16 years now.)
As such this month has always been hard on me and taken a toll on
me. I decided to have people visit me and take a bunch of trips this
July for a change of pace and it really was nice but I think I overdid
it because my health has just been absolute shit since Monday
July 12th.
And I almost succumbed to suicide myself on Tuesday the 13th.
.
I'm currently very weak. Extremely fatigued. And nauseous and
tired all the time.
Lightheaded. Sensitive stomach. Brain fog.
.
It feels like I'm a light bulb that is burning out.
.
I'm clinging on and fighting hard to stay around for all of you.
The best way to keep on top of what's going on with me so I don't
have to keep doing these write ups which take a lot out of me is
probably the BreadnRoses.net forums where I am a moderator and
the BreadnBoardgames server that grew out from it.
.
I'll try and get a Google doc up to explain everything here soon
though. (This is that google doc.)
Let it be known that so long as you’re not some kind of secret
bigoted asshole (and if you care for me it’s unlikely that’s the case)
I love you-- all of you and I love the communities I was a part of
and I am doing the best I'm able but I'm always afraid it won't be
enough. It's been an honor and a pleasure being part of these
communities and friends with all of you regardless of what
happens.
I'll try not to keep y'all in the dark so much but it really is exhausting
to write everything up over and over.
If the worst does happen I want it known that no matter what the
obituary and doctor reports and coroner's reports and etc say
about my cause of death it was capitalism and bigotry that killed
me.
Murdered me.
And it is my wish that my death be politicized and that this vile
system of capitalism and all its extensions be obliterated and all
forms of bigotry (racism, homo and transphobia, ableism,
Islamophobia, antisemitism, etc) be defied, opposed, and driven off
wherever it rears its vile head.
I dedicated my life to fighting these forces whenever I could so if I
die, politicize my death and if you wish to avenge it those are your
culprits. If you feel sparked just from this then by all means begin
fighting now--you definitely don’t need my permission.
Bigots are now co-opting the language of the oppressed, have
been for as long as I've been involved in this fight but some of you
are new to this. Do not be fooled and connived by these
reprehensible scumbags to make enemies of the truly marginalized
and vulnerable people. I encourage you all to educate yourself on
what real oppression is.
People who want inclusion, rights, protections, etc and who do not
want to exclude anyone but people who want to exclude others and
sow misery and suffering are NOT and never will be the real Nazis.
.
The systems, structures, and institutions of capitalism and hate,
and everyone who upholds and perpetuates them had a hand in
my current condition and will also be responsible for my death
whenever and however it happens. It is my wish that it all be
destroyed so never again does anyone suffer and struggle as I and
so many others have.
I apologize for such dire messaging but it FEELS especially dire
right now.
Finally, should you choose to take up this cause I ask that you not
make the dire mistake I did and war so hard so often against this
unrelenting wickedness that you lose sight of yourself and your
health and well being. I implore you to take breaks and rests as
those are crucial to maintaining your ability and spirit to fight--they
are part of resisting as if you allow your health and spirit to falter
you fight less effectively no matter how fiercely or dedicated or
passionate. Learn your limits. Support and care for not just one
another but also yourselves. Remember to rest because ultimately
that is what I was fighting for a world where I and everyone else
could be safe and relaxed--exist comfortably without fears of
harassment and abuse and get the care and support they needed.
A world where I, and everyone else, could finally rest.
So rest. Keep your wits and spirits strong. Don’t make the mistake
I made.
I'll promise you all that I will do everything in my power to return to
being a ray of light and crucial pillar in voice, text, and chats as
soon as I’m able.
Do not destroy yourself in your crusade to rout this wickedness as
the future absent of it is for you as well. Do not deny yourself the
fruits of my and your labor as I and you labored FOR YOU.
Do not feel guilty for harvesting the fruit from the trees I and so
many before me planted because, while I cannot speak for them I
can speak for me and I planted those trees for you. Feast on that
bounty and ensure everyone gets a fair and equal share and
ensure those metaphorical trees continue to be planted, cultivated,
and grown. Be sustained.
And remember that I loved you and you were ALWAYS worthy and
deserving.
For now, and hopefully for the foreseeable future, it is with all my
love and esteem I remain with you,
-Jenner
--------
What has happened thus far as best I
can recall:
TL;DR: I'm exhausted.
Long version and content warning for: Suicidality, needles,
PISS and vomit and probably some other stuff.
On Thursday the 8th of July 2021 I flew to the West Coast to visit
my nephew and a friend. On Monday July 12th of 2021 my nephew
attempted to drive me back up from one city in Washington State
to Seattle. It was a four and a half hour drive. Once arriving at
Seattle I would be getting on a plane and returning to my home in
“Selawik” where my spouse would be receiving me and an online
friend would be visiting me.
Instead I had a massive panic attack that felt like a heart attack
and needed to be checked into an emergency room. I had to get
stabbed by needles a lot because my veins are elusive and I was
shaking so bad I pissed all over myself and my hands and the
receptacle for the pee sample. It was a very dignified time.
After the tests proved I wasn't dying they gave me a valium and
sent me on my way but I missed my flight over this. My nephew
rescheduled the flight for the next day (Tuesday the 13th) and got
me a hotel room near the airport and helped me get settled in but I
was still terrified I would never wake up if I went to sleep.
Ultimately I passed out and had a massive nightmare. Woke up
Tuesday morning because I was gripped by another massive panic
attack.
VOMITED EVERYWHERE.
Crawled, sobbing and retching into the shower, vomited more.
Puked and sobbed until I was dry heaving. Until it hurt. Managed to
compose myself. Got to my laptop, logged in, got into a voice chat
with LilLillyFox, Zoon-li (members of the BreadnRoses community
and good folks who are in Europe so whatever ungodly hour I was
awake was also normal for them) and a few other insomniacs. I
played some calming music and tried to get myself back together
again.
Contacted my psychiatrist because I had a psych appointment that
day. Maybe they'd give me a Xanax.
I had called them last night saying I might not make it because the
appt was at 7:30 am PDT.
They didn't answer. I left them an email saying I could make it.
They cancelled the appt based on the previous voicemail even
though I listed the day in the email and just utterly failed me.
TW suicide talk here.
I spiraled again and went from being passively suicidal, which is
my normal state of being, to ACTIVELY suicidal.
I warred and wrestled with some very unsexy compulsions.
I chained from one panic attack into another building up a sick
combo.
I was deeply tempted to just give in to the compulsion and just go
walk into traffic or throw a bottle of Pepsi at a cop when Heyboots
(Jeff) DMed me and probably literally saved my life.
I really do think I was on the verge of giving up and cutting the
cord.
.
SO
Jeff pulls me back in. I call my PCP, I beg for a scrip, they ask for a
pharmacy, I am melting down. I am on death's door. Yet I am still
fighting and functioning. I am some kind of machine. I tell them to
lemme call the concierge and get a place. I hang up. I call, I get a
place, I call back. They don't pick up. I wait 8 mins. I spiral and
want to die again.
Jeff swears he'll get me a lyft.
I am about to just go outside and walk into traffic.
I sigh, I call the PCP again. I wait 6 of the longest minutes of my
life. They answer. I have no idea how I'm comprehensible. Nobody
should be able to function like this. I give them the address.
I give Jeff the Address.
He calls the Lyft.
I go. The pharmacist hurries the script and gets it to me and hugs
me. I must look like death.
I get a diet Pepsi, I hate Pepsi--especially diet Pepsi--it's too
sweet but if I take the pills with something unflavored I'll taste them
and puke. I've puked enough. I take the pills. Jeff gets me an Uber
to the airport.
Uber Lady helps me a lot, doesn’t rush me, gets me there helps a
bit and leaves. I get my boarding pass and make my way to an
assistant and ask for an escort to my gate.
At this point I'm almost completely non-verbal and desperately
trying to sign. I just can't even make words any more with my
mouth. Nobody fucking understands ASL and I am not as fluent in it
as I once was anyway.
I follow the person they get to escort me.
My gate is all the way out on the other side of the airport.
going through security the security guy drops my phone and breaks
the power button off.
great.
Fortunately I'm able to get my voice back. Chatted with folks in
voice a bit. I'm a mess.
The flight is not boarding or even there at 1 pm. My flight leaves at
1:45. hmm
some other people are there, they are also hmm.
Turns out they moved the fucking flight to a different gate.
Someone reads the board. Haley and her companion, complete
strangers, help me get to the new gate. I board with the disabled
passengers, sit down, buckle up, zone out/pass out--basically get
sucked into like 4 hour long PTSD flashback.
I come back to myself about an hour before landing.
Land.
Get my shit
Stagger out to spouse.
get helped inside our home.
Unpack a little
take shower.
Meet online friend and chat some
encouraged to eat some dumplings.
passed out.
woke up (Wednesday the 14th morning) with Prel (our cat)
between us (spouse and I.) Go to look up a new phone. The one I
was told to get isn't in stock. Get a different one. Can't buy it
without knowing a code I don't know and my spouse doesn't
remember. Try to guess it so as not to bother my spouse. Get
locked out of the system. Ask spouse for help. Get in a huge fight.
MELT DOWN
one of the forums members is visiting us to keep me company, she
probably heard this, just a complete mess.
Spouse realizes my issue is more urgent then theirs. Takes me to
Best Buy. Gets the phone ordered (It'll arrive sometime today).
Gets me home.
I lay in bed retching and shaking for 15 mins or so
Spouse clocks into work.
I go lay and cuddle with the forums member for a few hours and
chat.
we go out, visit the library, get korean BBQ and bubble tea. I come
home, make them swear to tell everyone if I die. Apologize for
dying if I die.
Pass out.
Wake up because I feel someone watching me.
it's Spouse.
We talk about that morning's argument.
it's exhausting.
kinda resolved tho?
Bonus: Forums member didn't even hear the fight.
Talked to Loel (a BnR forums member) Talked to a bunch of other
people.
Went to bed with plans to drive up to “Barrow” to see some
tortoises at 8 am.
Cancelled those plans because woke up on the 15th feeling like
shit. Crashed all day. Spouse hung out with me and worked. Got
my new phone but couldn’t activate it because I slept too late to
activate it.
Stayed home from the first day of the convention I planned to
attend too (this is now Friday the 16th). Got some groceries that
morning and a stuffed animal for the internet friend. Brought the
groceries in all on my own. Put them away all on my own.
Everyone still sleeping or getting ready. Over exerted myself and
puked. Crashed.
Woke up, chatted, fed cat, ate, did community work most of the
rest of the day. Chatted with spouse more. Crashed.
It’s now Saturday July 17th at 8:03 am. I just wrote a long thing to
the Fail Pile because they’ve largely been left in the dark on all
this. I haven’t even fucking told the Cat Ladies yet I’ll be linking this
to them when I’m done.
I started my period.
I haven’t eaten yet.
I love all of you.
Remember that resting is a part of fighting.
A form of fighting.
Updates:
10:09 am EDT: Ate. Made some stuff to drink. Having some gut
woes. Taking it easy.
What I love is that only in a decadent capitalist society with an over abundance of resources could this person continue to live.
In early USSR they would have just been shot. In the later USSR they would been put into a joyless sanitarium until they killed themselves.
IF they were in one of societies with the Islamic cultures they so love, she would have been beaten for 16 years until she married some guy in his 60s. Continued cases of being a worthless fuckwad would have resulted in eventual stoning or probably just hiring some guy to drive them to the desert and leave them for the jackals.
We need to bring back large predators so people like this can be darwined out for the good of the species.
