I still miss her so much. I wish things could’ve been different but I did what I needed to do for my sake. Call me cruel, I don’t care. I needed to get out with or without her.
Thanks for being so honest and sharing this.
Some powerlevel revealed due to some shared experiences: I'm a neuroatypical female with a history of male violence in the family. I was raised by two generations of women who, while escaping generational violence, kept intense religious belifs and discipline while studying and working hard to get out of poverty in an underdeveloped country. I was what people call 'high-fuctioning' but that brought a lot of distress and isolation. I was never in the right social attitude to be safe AND myself at the same time: the scarce female traits had to be even more hated upon cause they put me in danger, and the male ones I 'embodied' (and among poor societies, that is as simple as being able to reason, to make a question, to read or being introspective) made me an object of hate from girls and boys. Being a woman felt at best as something unknown, and at worst, at something that made me weak.
I didn't jump on trans mania probably because I'm a little older than internet generation, but mainly because my caretakers were the most powerful influence in my life: they had the exact same traits (including neuroatypicity), but grew up without internet, in a still rural world. Despite the hardships they endured, they didn't have propaganda and porn pushing a lie as a model neither gender theory pretending to be a reasonable way out of the first alternative. As I heard once: they grew up in a world where adult women - Gloria Swason, Bette Davies, Katherine Hepburn - were still on screens. Adult women were normal to people. Still, gladly, screens were not the only way to see world. Most part of it was not hypnotized yet.
After the right diagnose and treatment and after cultivating a spiritual life, I feel like inhabiting my body and being alive for the first time. I don't feel like a girl, but I feel like myself. I allow myself to be honest (as you can see from this GAY testimonial) and people respect that (or laugh and judge at my back, which is great: no concrete obstacle in my life arises from this). Adult life is better than any gender life. Still, I felt some kind of distress and after studying a lot of Jungian psychology, many answers were found. I understand people who are suspicious of that, but I share what worked for me. Identifying animus-posession (which arises from healthy male absence of unhealthy male presence) and the never ending criticism (low self-esteem and self-hate) it entails until you solve it and finding a source of mitology about female heroic journey made me learn how to be resilient without armoring, how to be productive without hiding myself, how to be generous and soft while comunicating strong boundries. All of this long text was to conduct to this moment.
In Eros and Pshyche story, Aphrodite gives Psyche some tasks in order to allow her to marry her son Eros. The last task is the most difficult: she must bring a box located in the Hades to Aphrodite. The risk is getting caught there. Psyche is terrified. She meets Persephone, daughter of Demeter (goddess of hunt), who was kidnapped and married to Hades/Pluto, becoming queen of the Underworld. Her archetypal journey is interesting itself: from the depths of impotence (her hunter mother impaled her development through overprotection, what is also seen in Diana/Wonder Woman in relationship to her mother, and that I experienced it myself) and abuse, she becomes a respected and peaceful woman as she learns to deal with evil and is not afraid of it anymore: when she cannot avoid it, she still can command and discipline the caos inevitable to live.
Persephone tells Psyche: You want to get out of here? Then you must go though it without empathy for the souls that are condemned. As you walk, they will make an obnouxious sound. Don't turn to them.
The only way you get out of hell is by not listening to the whining. In a woman to woman conversation, the hell specialist told Psyche to purge empathy for people who had a chance at life but condemned themselves there. Empathy can be used against us by the ones who have no empathy anymore - because they are already dead or decided to die. Help the ones who are alive. From there, you can make productive effort so that other people do not enter hell.
If Psyche stops to 'help' (which means: watch them whine - they can't get out anyway, and misery loves company/attention, as most people who demand help without acting on their problems demonstrate), she will be one more dead and nothing changes for the condemned.
Women NEED urgently to learn how to have a functional and rational empathy - exactly as you are being able to do, after so much pain and who knows with how little help, in your hero journey. That's not easy and some people never even try.
(some other stuff happens: its is from 'Amor and Psyche', from Erich Neumann, that helps not only in undestanding the female hero tasks but also to overcome mother enemeshment, so it made huge differece in my life)
I wish you feel confident and peaceful about your decision. You did the right thing,
