Personal Lolcows - Lolcows in your personal life.

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Holy shit B.J Makes Benito look like a normal human being. And it made me remember two fucking stories in a well I thought tapped out. Strap in, the ride continues:

Part I: I Stole Food From the Homeless
Part II: It's Not Coolwhip, it's Lard
Part III: I Must Consume your Newborn Child
Part IV: You Use Soap?
Part V: Reader's Special
Part VI: Editor's Response #1
Part VII: Editor's Response #2
Part VIII: Do you Even Lift?
Part IX: Editor's Response #3
Part X: Da Bubble King: Benito in Action
Part XI: His Parents Have Given up on Him
Part XII: Destroyed Five Toilets... Almost too Many to Count
Part XIII: Cannigetajob?

And I just remembered something about Benito that I really should have fronted earlier: Benito also liked to use BJ as his moniker for papers, mostly during 10th and a bit of 11th grade. I have no idea why he did it, since besides sounding a bit nasally and fat, Benito didn't have any speech impediment, but he liked to sign his name as BJ [Last Name]. I guess he thought that the abbreviation was cool or something, or maybe he was getting so unhealthy that writing his full first name was cramping his hand too much. Either way, for a full year of school, he signed every paper with BJ and got failing or weak grades.

Fun fact, he also liked to use his middle name as his last name for some reason. His middle name being Jasmine. Yes, he was given a girl's middle name, and he felt perfectly happy with calling himself Benito Jasmine, or BJ. Yes, he disliked gay people, but he wasn't gay of course. He only wondered what a fictional anime character's dick size is.

He stopped with using BJ when people started to mock it by miming blow-jobs in front of him not shockingly.

So let me tell you the last story I can remember right now, and probably the funniest one: how Benito managed to prevent someone's suicide.

No, he didn't do jack shit to help this guy. No, you see this guy, who I'll call Jorge, suffered from chronic depression. He was actually getting close to an attempt at killing himself, something he tried to do one time earlier, so it's not like he was bluffing. I believe in this case it was over a break-up, and he stated that he was going to take his life.

One of the guys said that his life wasn't so bad, at least he wasn't Benito. This instantly cheered him up. I'm not joking, he said "You're right!" sat up straighter, and smiled. As of this writing, it's been about 7 or 8 years since this talk, and Jorge has not had a relapse into depression.
 
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littlebiscuits said:
B.J gets fired.

I've been itching with excitement to tell the story of how B.J got dismissed from his student teacher position because it is just SO WEIRD.

So, B.J had been sitting in the corner reading goosebumps books working at the school for about a week and a half (minus several days when he was sent home early) when he had a chance run in with his former 5th grade teacher. (for those of you who have lost count, my Mama was his 4th grade teacher, and the class she's teaching now is 3d grade. Sorry, I know it's getting confusing.) B.J HATED his 5th grade teacher. Hated her. Hated her because she was a hard ass and didn't put up with his shit, not even for a minute. It was WWIII in there, so bad that it became a huge distraction to the other kids because they couldn't get through a lesson without B.J throwing a tantrum.
Now, I can't imagine that Mrs. HardAss was particularly thrilled to see B.J either, but at least she didn't lunge at him and hiss, the way he did when he saw her approaching from down the corridor. He ran towards her, but not the normal way you or I might run. He kind of...flapped his arms up and down, giving the children on either side of him an aromatic demonstration of what happens when a sweaty autist doesn't wear deodorant after a lifetime of not showering. Mrs. HardAss ducked, ready to dart into the nearest doorway should he attack, but she needn't have worried. B.J ran out of breath long before he reach the end of the hall, wheezing, "Mwiss HawdAss! We finally meet again."
Oh, if only I had been a (butter) fly on the wall. But I was not, as so I don't know the exact details of what I assume was an epic verbal throwdown, but I do know that it resulted in B.J being sent to the principal's office and dismissed from school early. At age 20.

The next morning Mrs. Hardass entered her classroom only to discover that it had been absolutely trashed. The cubby room was ransacked, several of the kid's desks were knocked over, contents strewn about the room. The potted plants were smashed. Everything on Mrs. Hardass's desk had been swept off and broken. The chalkboard was COVERED in drawings of her being raped and beaten by various fantasy creatures. The only things that were undisturbed were the books and the computer corner.

There is something else to remeber about this: This was a planned sperg-out. He had to first 1. Wake up early enough to enter the school at the same time as the morning janitors. 2. Make up a convincing enough lie for them to let him in (he DID technically have an authorization badge.)3. Wait for them to leave the 5th grade wing long enough for him to have his little shit fit 4. Take the time to draw detailed pictures on the blackboard, going so far as to borrow colored chalk from the previously ransacked art supply cart. 5. Close the lights, close the door, leave and pretend that nothing had happened.

Before you kiwi's start thinking B.J capable of high thought and skilled planning, there is something else you should know: the school had security cameras. And B.J knew about these cameras. He had made several odd comments about wishing he had access to the tapes and how lucky security guards are.
And....it's almost 3:30 and I am basically falling asleep. I will post THE CONFRONTATION in the morning.
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Holy fucking shit.
 
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littlebiscuits said:
B.J gets fired part 2!!!!!!

It took the school about 4 seconds to figure out who the culprit was. I mean, even without security footage, I think that was pretty obvious. Before the children even arrived, B.J was called into the principals office. By the way, I'd like to point out that this is the 4th time a 20 year old was sent to an elementary school's principal for dispensary reasons. Just a fun little counter for everyone.
The principal of the school immigrated from Nigeria when she was a young girl, and speaks with a very slight accent. However, due to a lifetime of speaking with and educating children, she also tends to speak very slowly. B.J always claimed he couldn't understand a word she was saying, but I feel that this is impossible.
As soon as B.J entered the principal's office, he immediately slumped into a chair and assumed egg pose. The principal asked him what had possessed him to do such a horrible thing. B.J remained silent. She repeated the question, but B.J was in full egg mode now, and nothing could rouse him. Principal shrugs to herself and says, out loud, "Well fine. I'll just call the police and have them come collect you for questioning. It's not my job to interview criminals."
The egg hatched, and B.J was born once again into this world. His fat turtle head emerged from his hoodie and he started in horror at the principal.

"But I didn't do anything! I wasn't even thewe!"
"But of course you were. We have footage of you. It could have been no one else."
"It isn't faiwr! She's a bitch! She's tewible to childwen and should be fiwred!"
"So you admit that you have committed the crime."
"No I --" ah, but he had backed himself into a corner. There was no denying it now.
B.J started to cry. The principal pushed a tissue box towards him, which he snatched. He then pulled several tissues out at once, and stuffed them behind the lenses of his glasses, so that the principal could no longer see his eyes.
The prinipal explained that the school would be pressing charges, and that he would likely be forced to pay for the damages that he caused. B.J continued to weep behind his tissue glasses, occasionally stuffing more tissues as needed.


Of course B.J was arrested, but the school agreed to drop the charges IF B.J would write a letter of apology and pay for the thousands of dollars of damages he caused (he ruined a smart-board and the teacher's macbook. That alone....). At this time, B.J has done neither, and will likely be facing criminal charges. Of course, he's also facing unrelated sex offense charges too...
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Best lolcow or best lolcow?
 
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When I was in elementary school I was acquainted with a rather odd family who lived on my block, and looking back on it now they were total lolcows. There was Mom, Dad, Older Brother, Middle Brother (who was my age and who I was sort of friends with), and Younger Sister.

I'm not sure if they were hoarders or just lazy, but their house was a mess. Their yard was full of weeds and often trash, and their house was piled high with gross things like days-old food containers and such. As with Chez Chandler most of the lolcowism in the family seemed to derive from Mom, who was a hideous person both in appearance and personality. As I understand it she was the source of most of the disgustingness surrounding the family, she didn't seem to care for her kids much, she let at least two pets run away and didn't care, and was known to lie around amidst the hoard in her underwear. That trait she shared with her oldest son, who was also sort of a ween to his younger siblings. He wanted to join the Navy IIRC and had a lot of faux-militaristic bravado about him.

Middle Brother was mostly okay, and he introduced me to video games which I'm eternally grateful to him for, but it struck me even then how little he seemed to care about the wretched state of his house and what horrible people his mother and brother were. Whether he was too young to notice, was okay with it, or was hiding his discomfort under a smile I don't know. They're all pretty horrible options. In college he died of a drug overdose. I feel like a bad person for sort of wishing it had been his mom or brother instead.

I remember nothing about Dad except that he existed. He was hardly ever around. I'm not sure if he was okay with his wife acting the way he did or was just cowed by her. Younger Sister was normal. She occasionally played with my younger sister. I hope she got out okay. I think she'd be college-age now.
 
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There's this Gundam SEED fan that has been popping up in my spheres lately. The dude is a total moron who seemingly believes in the most basic narratives around and will hate on things if they are confusing or depressing. Like, he's said he doesn't want F91 and Victory to be canon because they don't fit thematically with the ending of Unicorn despite those being older by Unicorn by decades and by a different creator (he just wants a happy ending). He also doesn't know Gundam that well, gets pissed when people bring up side materials (most of which paint Destiny in a morally ambiguous light), and is unfamiliar with a bunch of things in the shows he's defending.

He also seems to buy into whatever feel good version of even real world history he wants. One time he went off on Zeon for being based off Nazi Germany. The Nazi's started WWII because they were evil and, after someone explained the various social and economic factors that led to them being in power and to the second war (including mistreatment by France), he pretty much said Germany should have sucked it up instead of going Nazi.

He doesn't want to see things in shades of gray, just "this is good and this is bad."

In some ways, he kinda reminds me of this one legitimately autistic guy in one of my other groups. That other guy, while he acts like a self-important prat who fancies himself as the authority on how to write, honestly doesn't get how people can see things other ways. He's the guy who will argue author's intent rather than audience interpretation, and people have to sit him down and explain stuff like "why X doesn't work the way the author intended". But once you get through to him, he can be reasonable unlike the SEED fan.
 
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Pinball Lizard said:
What does B.J.'s voice sound like, biscuits? I keep reading him in a screechy spoiled brat voice, like, I dunno, that evil dummy guy from Peewee's Playhouse.
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His voice was very particular. They was the "R" problem of course, but it was also very deep and melodic. Sometimes he spoke with various fake accents...Sometimes it seemed like he was trying to talk like someone out of a very old vampire movie...but without "R"'s .

A wampwire.
 
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littlebiscuits said:
His voice was very particular. They was the "R" problem of course, but it was also very deep and melodic. Sometimes he spoke with various fake accents...Sometimes it seemed like he was trying to talk like someone out of a very old vampire movie...but without "R"'s .

A wampwire.
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Wampwiwe?
 
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So for the last few weeks I've found myself coming into contact with a gentleman whom I've dubbed "Yowie Man". For those of you unaware, a Yowie, according to wikipedia is: "one of several names given to a hominid reputed to live in the Australian wilderness. The creature has its roots in Aboriginal oral history." So essentially its like the Australian version of bigfoot, and I've found a man with an interest in them.

My first encounter with Yowie Man was about two to three weeks ago, I was out with a friend, and our suburb encroaches on forest, and its a popular past time to go bush walking. So anyways, we're walking towards a stretch of forest, and this guy comes out. The thing to note, is that at this stage he didn't seem crazy at all, he in fact looked like a well adjusted member of society. My friend and I walk to him, and Yowie Man asks my friend and I to look at something on his phone, now at the time we believe its evidence of maybe a feral dog, some vandalism, or hell some kinda illegal activity. Instead, what we are shown is five picture of broken branches and some holes in the ground.

Yowie Man then dives into a 15 minute long lecture about the Yowie and how they ruin the bushland. During which, we received the following nuggets of information:

1. There is apparently an online community of "Yowie Hunters".
2. He's in contact with a man claiming to be apart of a Yowie observing branch of the government
3. He has friends
4. His friends have video of the Yowie
5. He has asked children about the whereabouts of the yowie (Something I found disturbing)
6. He has cameras and microphones out in the forest.
7. A description of the Yowie, which is apparently a seven foot tall, hairy being with no neck.

Now, on the sixth note there, he went into quite some detail about the cameras he had purchased to detect the elusive yowie, since they see in infrared. I don't remember anything about the type of camera, since I was awfully uncomfortable, but I'll message my friend if he can help with the details I'm shady on. The basic point he illustrated was that he was about to buy some camera which is more powerful than infrared, so the yowie couldn’t detect it. He also said he'd recorded footsteps at 70 mega hertz (Once again, not sure about this), and some guy had given him dash cam footage taken in the next suburb over of a yowie. After his whole spiel, he told us he'd be back, and to remain vigilant. Naturally me and my friends had some laughs about it, and we began theorizing over whether such an insane diatribe could be real? At the time both of us were thinking he was a Ruse Cruise, either acting on his own or maybe as some kind of marketing stunt.

Now after that I thought I was done with Yowie Man, I figured he was some guy off of his meds and that I'd never see him again. But I was wrong, four days later I was out helping my Mum with the shopping, and we were about to go to the supermarket, when I saw him. At first I didn't recognize him, but after hearing his voice, which is Sherwin Stern levels of nasally, talking about cameras with some poor cyclist. We were in the shop about twenty minutes, but after we came out, he was still there.

That wasn't the last sighting, two days later I saw him at the local train station with some other friends of mine, including original Yowie Man friend. He was coming off a train, and this was a moment in my mind that legitimized his beliefs. I legit think this guy believes that there are yowies out there, and that he's going to find them. I feel a bit bad for the guy, since he seems like he's just trying to do his bit, but at the same time its all so stupid. Anyway's, he's my personal lolcow.
 
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Adamska said:
I'm not joking, he shits so fucking much and that shit is so bad and sticky that he has destroyed toilets due to gumming them up. Not due to breaking them with his mass; his poo gums up the pipes and it cannot be saved. It got so bad that they had to get a toilet with a specialized system that gives it a powerful flush. Otherwise, they'd be on their 12th toilet as opposed to 4th due to his shit diet.
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I hate myself for asking, but has Benito ever gummed up someone else's toilet? Like, has he choked the toilet at McDonald's or something?

My sister's boyfriend, I'll admit I've had some issues working with him. Like, in the restaurant he'll take orders in ripped, dirty clothes. We've really had to hammer into him to dress appropriately, which he finds hard because he has trouble finding clothes that fit him.

Anyway, last year we were fixing up a place for him and my sister to stay. There's a lot of wood left over, so we do the natural thing and decide to burn it. It was just me and him that day, but what a day it was.

First off, I wanted to get some birch bark from a nearby tree to help start it. He said no and produced his method, soaking everything in ether. He pretty much used up his whole can of the stuff and the fire still wasn't going (everything was wet from the snow). And we've only been up there for maybe half and hour. He then decides to go to his buddy's who didn't show up that day. His friend wasn't coming to work, just smoke pot with him and when he didn't, my sister's boyfriend went to his place to do it instead.

I think he wasn't home, btw. So, he just sat in the car for a long time in his friend's driveway smoking.

Anyway, I take my chance to get the fire going. I end up getting a part of it going really well, not blazing but it was burning, when he returns. And what does he do when he sees it going? He takes a big fucking piece of countertop and smothers the fire.

Recently, he got a job as a nighttime security guard, where he has to keep a fire going to stay warm. One time, the previous guy didn't leave him a fire so what does my sister's boyfriend do? Soaks a bunch of papers in ether and chucks in a match. Fucker singed his eyebrows with that stunt.
 
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Kamen Rider Black RX said:
I hate myself for asking, but has Benito ever gummed up someone else's toilet? Like, has he choked the toilet at McDonald's or something?
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No, but he has done something that broke the brain of the cashier. Thanks for reminding me of yet another story.

Part I: I Stole Food From the Homeless
Part II: It's Not Coolwhip, it's Lard
Part III: I Must Consume your Newborn Child
Part IV: You Use Soap?
Part V: Reader's Special
Part VI: Editor's Response #1
Part VII: Editor's Response #2
Part VIII: Do you Even Lift?
Part IX: Editor's Response #3
Part X: Da Bubble King: Benito in Action
Part XI: His Parents Have Given up on Him
Part XII: Destroyed Five Toilets... Almost too Many to Count
Part XIII: Cannigetajob?
Part XIV: At Least You Aren't BJ

Okay, so naturally Benito is a fatty fat fuck of a person. I mean, if you ate seven meals a day which also weighed at least a couple pounds each, you'd be a screeching lardbeast too. Correction, pigbeast, since if you were Benito you'd try to eat yourself if you were made of lard. Because of this utter inability to stop eating and his love of shitty food, he likes eating fast food. In particular, he was a pretty big fan of Burger King.

His usual order was something like 6 or something whoppers and/or whatever else the King could provide, a few sides of fries, and a soda of some type. Pretty unremarkable considering who we're talking about, right? Well... let's just say that at one point he tried to have it his own way.

Benito once went up to the cashier, ordered his shitton of food, and then asked the cashier if he could have "that" with his fries. He pointed over to the fryer when he said this. The cashier, confused, looked to where he was pointing and asked "what like another side of fries?", ready to put more food for the lard god. Then Benito said this. "No, I mean the stuff you cook the fries in. I want some of that cool so I can dip my fries in it." Yes, Benito literally demanded that he have some of the grease from the fryer to use as a dipping agent.

The cashier blinked at him owlishly and stuttered in mild bafflement that someone like this exists. "Y-you, you can't do that sir." Benito just shrugged and took some ketchup to douse his fries in/eat by itself in response, not bothered at his request being rejected.
 
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Adamska said:
No, but he has done something that broke the brain of the cashier. Thanks for reminding me of yet another story.

Part I: I Stole Food From the Homeless
Part II: It's Not Coolwhip, it's Lard
Part III: I Must Consume your Newborn Child
Part IV: You Use Soap?
Part V: Reader's Special
Part VI: Editor's Response #1
Part VII: Editor's Response #2
Part VIII: Do you Even Lift?
Part IX: Editor's Response #3
Part X: Da Bubble King: Benito in Action
Part XI: His Parents Have Given up on Him
Part XII: Destroyed Five Toilets... Almost too Many to Count
Part XIII: Cannigetajob?
Part XIV: At Least You Aren't BJ

Okay, so naturally Benito is a fatty fat fuck of a person. I mean, if you ate seven meals a day which also weighed at least a couple pounds each, you'd be a screeching lardbeast too. Correction, pigbeast, since if you were Benito you'd try to eat yourself if you were made of lard. Because of this utter inability to stop eating and his love of shitty food, he likes eating fast food. In particular, he was a pretty big fan of Burger King.

His usual order was something like 6 or something whoppers and/or whatever else the King could provide, a few sides of fries, and a soda of some type. Pretty unremarkable considering who we're talking about, right? Well... let's just say that at one point he tried to have it his own way.

Benito once went up to the cashier, ordered his shitton of food, and then asked the cashier if he could have "that" with his fries. He pointed over to the fryer when he said this. The cashier, confused, looked to where he was pointing and asked "what like another side of fries?", ready to put more food for the lard god. Then Benito said this. "No, I mean the stuff you cook the fries in. I want some of that cool so I can dip my fries in it." Yes, Benito literally demanded that he have some of the grease from the fryer to use as a dipping agent.

The cashier blinked at him owlishly and stuttered in mild bafflement that someone like this exists. "Y-you, you can't do that sir." Benito just shrugged and took some ketchup to douse his fries in/eat by itself in response, not bothered at his request being rejected.
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Why didn't he ask for it sweetened?
 
littlebiscuits said:
His voice was very particular. They was the "R" problem of course, but it was also very deep and melodic. Sometimes he spoke with various fake accents...Sometimes it seemed like he was trying to talk like someone out of a very old vampire movie...but without "R"'s .

A wampwire.
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I imagine him as sounding like a slightly less obese Striker Wolf. Close, or no?
 
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Darwin Watterson said:
I imagine him as sounding like a slightly less obese Striker Wolf. Close, or no?
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A little bit, but again, it really doesn't capture the weird sing song-yness of his voice. For some reason he always started out his sentences with the word "Yes" so take the phrase "What is for lunch?" he would say it "Yessss and whatttttt is it that we'we having for lunnnnch?" He would really draw out the "yes" and kind of let his voice dip and go low and deep for the end of the sentence. It was very unique and profoundly autistic.
 
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Why B.J is ...or will be? Idk where he is in the trial process. He may get off (lol) Who knows?

So.... long long ago, way back in middle school, B.J had a friend. We'll call her "Polly" because no one's name is fucking Polly, so it's good. Polly was a little on the awkward side herself, and didn't really notice, or just wasn't really bothered too much by B.J's eccentricities. So they kind of sat together at lunch, B.J droning on and on about how great he was and about how he was going to be so famous one day...and Polly would just take out a book and ignore him. The friendship lasted about oh, maybe 4 or so weeks before B.J decided to ask her out. Polly said yes, and they started "dating" which of course, at age 11 is little more than sitting together on the bus and sharing snacks at lunch.
Sounds cute and innocent right? Not for long! B.J, as it turns out, has a thing for urine. He became obsessed with trying to watch Polly pee. Apparently, according to him at least, he wet the bed for so long as a child he just sort of...got into it. (BTW does any one else notice how many classic signs of a serial killer B.J has? I'm just realizing this now, and damn.) Every day during lunch, he would beg her to go into the boys bathroom with him so they could...pee together, I guess, I don't know, something weird like that. Polly was horrified and disgusted and broke up with him after only 5 days of dating.

B.J has never gotten over this. Never. It's been almost 16 years, and he's still not over a five day relationship that he had when he was 11. He did everything within his power, but nothing worked. He wrote poetry. He sang songs. He threatened to kill her hamster. He threatened to kill her cat. But somehow, the romance was just lost on Polly.


The straw that really broke the camels back was when he went to Catholic confession at a church that both he and Polly regularly attended and confess to impregnating her. Polly wasn't pregnant, of course, nor had they ever even slept together, but it certainly did stir up some drama for both families.

Eventually Polly's family had to take the drastic step of pulling her out of the district and sending her to private school so the poor girl could get some space from him. (Also it was our school district was absolute shit when it came to bullying and harassment. The official policy at the time was that "students should work it out themselves." So yeah, they did nothing.)

Fast forward to about...oh I guess it would be about a year ago? Polly has graduated college and is getting married!!! Imagine that you're Polly. You're planning your wedding, you're a bran new nurse, you've just brought your first car...things are going pretty good! A little stressful, maybe, but in a good way. Then suddenly, one frigid January morning, you see that weird ass kid who ruined your teenage years creeping behind your new car.. And he's holding a bucket.
You run, but as you do, the bucket's contents hit you. You watch in horror as the snow around you is splattered with yellow, you scream as you realize your covered in it, cry as you realize that after all these goddamn years he's finally fucking won, he's finally pissed on you.
Polly's Dad came running out - after years of dealing with B.J as a stalker, they've learned to keep a camera by the doorway, so that they could always have evidence of his crimes. Her Dad snapped a picture, and it's a good thing he did, or else no one would have noticed that he was, uh palming his peeper, readying it for another golden assault.

So I wish I could say that it was an open and shut case, B.J gets arrested, Polly gets married, everyone lives happily ever after. But that's not what happened. Polly died about three months later after being hit by a drunk driver, and her parents just don't want to deal with any more court stuff than they already have too, so they've basically let the B.J thing slide. They're more interested in prosecuting the driver, that you know, killed their daughter.

Sorry for ending on a downer folks. Real life just sucks sometimes.....

And I'll write up little, minor B.J stories when I find out about them. I still know a lot of people that have regular contact with him, so there will be more.
 
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The 25th Cyberman said:
Why didn't he ask for it sweetened?
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That's what the ketchup is for I guess. I don't quite understand Benito's brain process when it comes to things he likes. Ketchup by itself? Ketchup filled Brownies? Lard? Lard Pizza? The only commonality is it usually is very fattening.
Pinball Lizard said:
Adamska, has Benito ever tried to pursue the tom-tom? If so, how'd it go down?
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Okay, so I don't quite remember him ever being daring enough to actually seek out a woman. He desperately wanted one since he was thirsty as fuck, but he was really lazy and passive about it. I do remember a pretty funny moment during cafeteria though.

So Benito as mentioned liked to stalk my pal Cole, who due to a quirk in genetics and music interest, is rather boybandish looking and a skilled drummer. That made him a pretty popular guy with the girls in the school. He decided to sit down near them, since they also tended to sit around guys who played Yu-Gi-Oh! or Magic (the broest of nerd games), and he was in the mood to game while shooting shit with the ladies. Benito being the thirsty stalker he is sat down. Cole was talking with the girls as he played, which made Benito silently seethe in rage over the fact that his childhood friend can get women (even though it really was just small talk).

Cole noticed this, and for a larf manages to bring the convo to Benito. Specifically, if any of the girls would be even willing to date him like once. They simultaneously said "Ew. No.", which made Benito get even more salty, to the point he waddled off in a huff. It was funny as all fucking hell to see.
 
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