The Retail Horror Thread 2: More Tales to Chill your Bones

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Here it is folks, the first installment in the Rufus Prequel Trilogy:

Rufus Wars Episode I: The Phantom Sperg

I got a few early childhood stories from Rufus's sister and I've chosen this one to kick things off because it's the closest thing Rufus has to an origin story and goes some way to explaining why he is the way he is. Some may be thinking there was an event that turned Rufus into the turbo sperg he is today, and while that's true to some extent (as you'll see) from what his sister tells me it sounds like me he was broken from the beginning.

Very early on his parents realised he had anger issues and he was eventually diagnosed with Schizoid Personality Disorder which places him on the autism spectrum. Before he was diagnosed with SPD however, his Dad made the mistake of taking him to see The Phantom Menace back when it was released in 1999. Rufus was aged five at the time.

One of the things Schizoids do is construct a fantasy world they live in and Star Wars was the fantasy world Rufus latched onto. Hard. He loved The Phantom Menace and I mean everything about it, even Jar-Jar Binks. This is where the Star Wars rot set in and before long Rufus was tearing around the playground at school challenging students to lightsaber fights and hogging the pedal cars so he could go "podracing".

Apparently during swimming lessons he'd dive right to the bottom of the pool when the other pupils were swimming lengths. He nearly drowned once and after the PE Teacher hauled him out and questioned him as to what he was doing, he explained to the teacher he was "trying to find his way to the Gungan City".

When the film came out on video, he quickly wore out the video tape. I've heard he'd watch it, then rewind the tape and start all over again. His parents had to physically wrestle him away from the TV to get him to stop and even then he'd kick up an almighty stink.

Rufus also wanted to be young Anakin Skywalker - he loved the character. He tried to build his own version of C-3PO out of household junk, and was very annoyed when it didn't come to life and start moving about (he didn't realise it takes more than a few bits of sellotape to animate some old plastic bottles and the odd bit of scrap metal).

His dream aged five was for Qui Gon Jinn to show up at his house or school and take him away to Coruscant to train to be a Jedi. Unfortunately his parents, still not comprehending the damage this would cause further down the line, decided that for his sixth birthday they'd humour him and do something special.

And so a luckless, starving actor who was stuck on the birthday party entertainer circuit was paid to put on a fake beard, a wig and some robes and show up to Rufus's sixth birthday party as Qui Gon Jinn. Rufus couldn't believe his eyes when "Qui Gon" walked through the door. Here he was - the real Qui Gon Jinn come to take him away! All of Rufus's "friends" were there (when you're six your parents invite the whole class and call them your friends) but Rufus had eyes only for "Qui Gon".

As Rufus was the birthday boy he had "Qui Gon"'s undivided attention. Rufus had dressed up as the young Anakin Skywalker for the occasion and would feed "Qui Gon" lines from the film which "Qui Gon" (no doubt wishing he could put a bullet through both their brains the whole time) would dutifully feed back as he guided a gaggle of six year olds hyped up on sugar through a series of party games.

Rufus saw every party game as his chance to impress "Qui Gon" and prove he was worthy of training to become a Jedi. He would throw a massive fit if he didn't win one as he feared "Qui Gon" would think him a failure, at which point he was allowed to win by default as he was the birthday boy.

But eventually the party began to wind down and Rufus's "friends" left one by one until it was just him, his parents, his sister (I didn't mention before that his sister's older than him - she was seven at the time) and "Qui Gon". Rufus looked up at "Qui Gon" excitedly and said "Now do I get to go to Coruscant and become a Jedi?"

"Qui Gon", who was probably thinking that waiting tables may not be such a bad stop gap after all by that point, somehow managed to retain his professionalism and said something to the effect of "You're still a bit young to be a Jedi, but I'll put in a good word with Master Yoda". Having demonstrated improv skills that would shame the cast of Whose Line Is It Anyway? and wrongfully thinking that would be enough to tide Rufus over, "Qui Gon" headed towards his car.

But "Qui Gon" had underestimated the level of autism he was dealing with. Badly. And the next second he was nearly tripped over as Rufus charged at him, wrapped both arms round his legs and howled "PLEASE TAKE ME BACK TO CORUSCANT SO I CAN TRAIN AS A JEDI! PLEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSE!!!"

It took both Rufus's parent to pry him off "Qui Gon" and as soon as they had, "Qui Gon" hopped into his car and zoomed away so fast you'd think his car had jumped to hyperspace.

Rufus was absolutely heartbroken, convinced that the real Qui Gon Jinn had been at his house and had deemed him unworthy of becoming a Jedi. It took months to cheer him up and explain that it wasn't actually Qui Gon who'd turned up and that maybe he was taking this Star Wars thing a little too seriously.

Rufus did finally grow up (a little bit) and accept the situation, but as we've already seen and will continue to see in the next two entries, things hardly got better...
 
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My guess? He falls in love with Attack of the Clones Padme in the most yandere way possible for a child to get. Rufus seems a bit too... broken to really be able to land a girl.

I mean, it's possible in the having a similarly broken gf, but it just doesn't seem Rufus to me. The Rufus way is to walk into a book store, pop a squat after defacing it, and shit all over the new lore books made under Disney while screaming.
 
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Adamska said:
My guess? He falls in love with Attack of the Clones Padme in the most yandere way possible for a child to get. Rufus seems a bit too... broken to really be able to land a girl.

I mean, it's possible in the having a similarly broken gf, but it just doesn't seem Rufus to me. The Rufus way is to walk into a book store, pop a squat after defacing it, and shit all over the new lore books made under Disney while screaming.
Click to expand...

I don't know, I could see him mooning after some poor girl who has a passing resemblance to Natalie Portman and sperging out when she tells him to fuck off because he's creepy and she's sick of hearing about how he hates sand.
 
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Fucking awesome origin story, and I could visualize every second of it.

(some unavoidable powerlevelling follows, read or skip at your preference)

I myself was born just in time to catch "Star Wars" (none of this 'a new hope' BS) in the theatre as a 5 year old with my parents, as were my Kindergarten friends. Let me tell you, that shit sinks into even the average little kid's mind like a mutant virus. After that fateful movie night ALL my friends and I would do was 'play Star Wars' for months if not a couple years. We took straight thick tree branches and beat the fuck out of each other in light sabre duels, hunted through high grass empty lots searching for 'The Milennium Falcon', used our toy guns to play rebels vs. stormtroopers, made shipping box X-wing and TIE-fighter control consoles and went 'pew pew!' at each other, all my lego creations became Star Wars related, and I started reading every book in my school's library on astronomy as soon as I was able to, dreaming of the day very soon when I would be able to fly through hyperspace at lightspeed and visit all these planets because the technology to do this was RIGHT around the corner.
All that, and I was just an average geeky kid. To a born turbo-autist, I can absolutely see it going way WAY too far, the way Advanced Dungeons and Dragons got into the head of a classmate much later on in high school where he actually signed my yearbook with "DEATH TO ALL WHO OPPOSE THE GAME!" (a year later, he got into Jesus in a big, big way and that was the end of his pestering to play in all my campaigns)

Obsession has ruined many a life, but it has also made for some of the best LOLcow stories on the entire farms, and of course, stories of Rufus, the ultimate Star Wars sperg. Thank you SO much for taking the time to provide the lulz with these tales.

I am seriously gonna make a compilation of them all when you are done to keep on my e-book reader whenever I need a grin, or to show someone that yes, there ARE people that obsessed.
 
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Jesus. I just started my new job as a cashier. I don't have any awful stories yet, but some minor things and I'll keep tabs. However, I do have some nice work drama. Especially from my coworkers.

So it's been mentioned before, but WiC is basically a program from mothers and children in order to give them healthy food, that being, the blandest of the bland. You can only get the worst type of the shit. The type of shit you wouldn't eat even if you had the worst stomach in the world. It mostly has to be limited to that store brand, it must be within that price range on the check and it MUST be that specific item. So if a store says 1% milk, it has to be that. Not whole, or 2%, but 1% percent milk. (which is bullshit as it doesn't make so much of a different but whatever).

How many times do you think people read the damn check? Or even check the labels?

They fucking don't.

Things could have the big black and bold text "WiC" and people still don't notice. And the worst part is, about 10% of the customers use WiC checks so we have to be strict on this shit or else the store loses it's license. We can't just give it to the customers out of our hearts either, the register is electronic and it physically will not register the purchase.

Do these customers understand this?

Of course they don't.

The first time I witnessed a WiC check for training, the lady at the counter was doing fine up until a particular can of sauce. She started complaining about how she came before and that the store perfectly did her transaction fine the first time. Of course we had to call a floor manager over to deal it because as she put it, "some of these people become real nasty with you". In fact, the WiC customers so far have been the most annoying ones to deal with. Long story short, she picked up the wrong can of sauce which has to be a puree (yuck) and that got solved (my coworkers and I laughed about vegetables being a "sauce" as the customer called it) but the annoyances don't end there.

Another customer during my training was also using a WiC check. The check specified whole milk and she had 1%. My partner and my trainer suggested that we swap it for her so we did. It would be a moderate, but short walk to the back end of the store and back.

Turns out, instead of the lady making up her mind and saying she didn't want the milk (cashiers can get an associate to return shit) she leaves without even saying a word and basically dumps us with a couple gallons of milk which we had to lug back to the back end of the store.

The only Wic customer I got that wasn't annoying so far was one of the first ladies I rung up during training. She did everything right with the procedure (there's a yellow folder we need to check) and when she got the wrong bread she didn't complain and returned it.

So far though, things have been pretty tame, minus my trainer almost getting into a verbal argument with a rude customer in front of me, but that's another story.
 
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Anyone else here done warranty repair on computers?

In a way this is ridiculously fun. You know that shit about the customer is always right? Well, guess what? If you're doing warranty repair, the customer is not that goddamn angry screaming idiot in front of you, it's the company. If they don't okay a repair, you don't do it. And you get to tell the angry screaming idiot in front of you no.

Oh, you want to talk to the manager? Well, he's an even ruder asshole than I am. You will be surprised to find out I'm the most polite person in this place you fucking bitch. Are you sure you want to talk to the manager? Okey dokey! Hear him yelling obscenities at someone over the phone? Well, once he's done yelling obscenities at that idiot, he can yell some at you too. You have a couple minutes to wait, I'm going back to have another beer.
 
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Tanti-Fanti said:
Jesus. I just started my new job as a cashier. I don't have any awful stories yet, but some minor things and I'll keep tabs. However, I do have some nice work drama. Especially from my coworkers.

So it's been mentioned before, but WiC is basically a program from mothers and children in order to give them healthy food, that being, the blandest of the bland. You can only get the worst type of the shit. The type of shit you wouldn't eat even if you had the worst stomach in the world. It mostly has to be limited to that store brand, it must be within that price range on the check and it MUST be that specific item. So if a store says 1% tard cum, it has to be that. Not whole, or 2%, but 1% percent tard cum. (which is bullshit as it doesn't make so much of a different but whatever).

How many times do you think people read the damn check? Or even check the labels?

They fucking don't.

Things could have the big black and bold text "WiC" and people still don't notice. And the worst part is, about 10% of the customers use WiC checks so we have to be strict on this shit or else the store loses it's license. We can't just give it to the customers out of our hearts either, the register is electronic and it physically will not register the purchase.

Do these customers understand this?

Of course they don't.

The first time I witnessed a WiC check for training, the lady at the counter was doing fine up until a particular can of sauce. She started complaining about how she came before and that the store perfectly did her transaction fine the first time. Of course we had to call a floor manager over to deal it because as she put it, "some of these people become real nasty with you". In fact, the WiC customers so far have been the most annoying ones to deal with. Long story short, she picked up the wrong can of sauce which has to be a puree (yuck) and that got solved (my coworkers and I laughed about vegetables being a "sauce" as the customer called it) but the annoyances don't end there.

Another customer during my training was also using a WiC check. The check specified whole tard cum and she had 1%. My partner and my trainer suggested that we swap it for her so we did. It would be a moderate, but short walk to the back end of the store and back.

Turns out, instead of the lady making up her mind and saying she didn't want the tard cum (cashiers can get an associate to return shit) she leaves without even saying a word and basically dumps us with a couple gallons of tard cum which we had to lug back to the back end of the store.

The only Wic customer I got that wasn't annoying so far was one of the first ladies I rung up during training. She did everything right with the procedure (there's a yellow folder we need to check) and when she got the wrong bread she didn't complain and returned it.

So far though, things have been pretty tame, minus my trainer almost getting into a verbal argument with a rude customer in front of me, but that's another story.
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Hehe, all that on your first few days, eh? I expect great things from your workplace. Well, great for us for the stories to come. It's going to suck to be you, fam. But chin up! Remember, many of us Kiwis have been there before, and we're all feeling it for ya.
 
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The parking lot that I normally use when I'm at work during the weekdays is used by long-haul truckers as a resting spot during the weekends when it's empty. They tend to leave copious amounts of trash behind after the leave. Usually it's just empty beer cans, cigarette packs and cereal boxes, but some of the more conspicuous items of refuse that I have encountered when arriving back to work on mondays have been:

1000-piece jigsaw puzzle
Bacon
Dismembered mannequin
Hello Kitty panties that's been used to wipe a dipstick with.
Human feces
Opened half-empty bottle of Bacardi rum.
Porno DVD cases
Suitcase full of brand-new work gloves
Used colostomy bag
 
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I don't know whether this is genius parenting or cruel.

Some little girl was being a little shit and demanding a Paw Patrol cake and the dad was having none of it. The tantrum continued for a bit until the dad pulled out his phone and asked his daughter 'Do you want me to call Mrs May?'

I thought this was her teacher or a neighbour or something, and the kid persisted, next thing I hear is 'Hello Mrs Prime Minister!'

This dude is on his phone pretending to talk to Theresa May, telling her how naughty little Becky is being and he thinks that she should be punished but he's not sure how. He gives a standard goodbye after pretending to receive advice, turns to the kid and says 'Mrs May's decided to take Paw Patrol away from the country'. The kid freaks the fuck out because she thinks she just got her tard dogs banned. Daddy turns around and says 'Do you want me to call the Queen so she can lock them in the Tower forever?' The shrieking subsided to stifled sobs and sniffles.

Fucking brutal mate!
 
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I used to work in an IKEA.

1. I was out the day this happened, but -- A disturbed older man freaked out at a display, shrieked at it, then tore it down. His family watched on, unfazed.

2. I was helping move a relatively large mirror for a nice shopper, when this woman came over absolutely freaked out that she had left her purse in her cart while she used the restroom and it was predictably stolen.
Anyways, since I was busy helping someone else, she shit herself and ran off to find security. Security came to me later and said that the lovely lady thought I stole her purse, for some reason.

3. Some lady drove all the way from upstate to get some IKEA sheets she wanted. She didn't bother calling ahead to see if we had these sheets in the right designs or size. Since we were the largest IKEA in our state, we were constantly busy and always running out of stock.
So, of course those sheets were not in stock. She then proceeded to tear down the sheets/bedding display, and knocked varying items off other displays as she rampaged out of the store. Idk where security was

Our IKEA also didn't accost shoplifters. They were worried customers would get mad and buy less. I can't explain that, but I heard that from varying higher ups. So, loot your nearest IKEA I guess.
 
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pomona said:
I used to work in an IKEA.

1. I was out the day this happened, but -- A disturbed older man freaked out at a display, shrieked at it, then tore it down. His family watched on, unfazed.

2. I was helping move a relatively large mirror for a nice shopper, when this woman came over absolutely freaked out that she had left her purse in her cart while she used the restroom and it was predictably stolen.
Anyways, since I was busy helping someone else, she shit herself and ran off to find security. Security came to me later and said that the lovely lady thought I stole her purse, for some reason.

3. Some lady drove all the way from upstate to get some IKEA sheets she wanted. She didn't bother calling ahead to see if we had these sheets in the right designs or size. Since we were the largest IKEA in our state, we were constantly busy and always running out of stock.
So, of course those sheets were not in stock. She then proceeded to tear down the sheets/bedding display, and knocked varying items off other displays as she rampaged out of the store. Idk where security was

Our IKEA also didn't accost shoplifters. They were worried customers would get mad and buy less. I can't explain that, but I heard that from varying higher ups. So, loot your nearest IKEA I guess.
Click to expand...
Brb, im gonna go get myself a nice mirror
 
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