Personal Lolcows - Lolcows in your personal life.

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drtoboggan said:
Quit lying, @ScarletJusticeWitch. All you're doing is shooting yourself in the foot. This isn't tumblr, nobody will asspat you here.
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The person who posted about me literally did lie about me and somehow it's okay when you guys do it.

AnOminous said:
There's no such thing as a "deadname" to normal people. The name someone was born with is an objective fact and nobody has some magic privilege not to have it ever uttered again. Depending on the circumstances it can be rude or obnoxious, but you don't get to police other people's language. You can try, I guess, but you'll just be laughed at.
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YOU DON'T GET TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO lol

Are you saying trans folk aren't "normal "people? Why does it matter if we aren't?

It matters to a lot of us, and it's not up to you to say otherwise. In some cases it can mean someone loses a job or is opened up to violence. Your entitlement isn't more important than that.
 
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ScarletJusticeWitch said:
YOU DON'T GET TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO lol

Are you saying trans folk aren't "normal "people? Why does it matter if we aren't?

It matters to a lot of us, and it's not up to you to say otherwise. In some cases it can mean someone loses a job or is opened up to violence. Your entitlement isn't more important than that.
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If someone's real name can get them fired, they have much bigger issues.
 
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ScarletJusticeWitch said:
YOU DON'T GET TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO lol

Are you saying trans folk aren't "normal "people? Why does it matter if we aren't?
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No. I'm saying YOU'RE not a normal person. And neither is anyone else who throws a huge hissy fit about "deadnames" or utter bullshit like that. It may be rude to use it under many circumstances, but you have no right not to be offended, especially when you do things that encourage people to be rude to you just for shits and giggles, like coming to a forum that trolls retards and then being a noisy retard.
 
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ScarletJusticeWitch said:
... like being trans?

are you seriously denying that this shit can hurt people? why would there be such a big effort for example here in Ireland to pass gender recognition legislation?
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No... like being a criminal or some other thing. Come now, you're supposed to be fairly skilled at rhetoric and the like, even you should've spotted that one.

Anyway; I could tell the story about this one guy I know, to get back on track.

This fella, who I will call Benito, is an amazing trainwreck of a person. He's a super fat weeb who is amazingly stupid and who also is prone to committing quite evil acts. Where do I begin with this guy? Oh I know!

He stole food from the homeless. Yes, you heard that right; he stole food from the homeless. I can tell you how this happened. Alright, at his school, there was a class related to the humanities, and they had an assignment where they would spend the day living like a homeless person. It was designed to show these students what it was like to have effectively nothing. They had to pack only the most essential things and they would essentially have to stay at this homeless shelter for the day. They would then write a paper on their experience and what they learned from the experience. Most of the students properly tried to pack what they thought they needed, mostly clothes, and maybe a personal item or two. Not Benito however.

No, Benito packed himself a shit ton of snacks. I forget the full load out, but I remember it including giant bags of chips and a bunch of animal crackers. He also brought his PSP so he could game. So much for living like the homeless, eh? But don't worry, it gets so, so much worse.

Alright, so we've established that he brought a shitton of food and fucking nothing relating to the assignment. But now we're getting to the main course. He eats all of these snacks within the span of about 30 minutes or so, and is somehow still hungry. Clearly, because he deserves far more than these bums, he wants some of their food. The shelter typically gives their food away, on carts, so when the people were busy distributing it to some of the denizens there, Benito sneaks around and grabs a couple of these and goes to the bathroom to eat it. Why there? Because he knows that what he did was absolutely wrong, doesn't give a shit that a few of those dang dirty bums will either go hungry or need to eat light, and he hungry. He devours this quickly, gets back to his stuff, and then leaves. That's right,l he left his assignment not even an hour in. Then he had the balls to post this in a blog where he tried to paint himself a saint. My buddy Cole, who saw that event, was pretty pissed and being hot-headed when he was younger, went to beat his ass.

Speaking of beatings, I'll tell you one more story on Benito, since I have quite a few, and most of them are fairly long. Alright, now we're going to see another reason why he might have autistic psychopathy. So this was a bit later on, and this guy's dog ran away from home. This is the third dog they've own that has done that, and as an aside, each dog did not like Benito. I wonder why? Well anyway, Benito is all sad and shit because his dog ran away. To the point where he was getting mad at people who were also sad.

One of them was this girl; she was in a club of some sort, I think it was band. She was absolutely devastated because her father died of cancer a couple of days ago. So Benito, thinking that he's the only one that matters, is pissed that this woman, which he can't get because woman no like him, is crying. So he angrily waddles up to her and goes "What do you know about pain? My dog ran away." or something like that. He was basically saying that his dog running away (not even dying mind you, running away) is a more tragic experience than having a parent you love waste away due to cancer. What a charmer.

By the way, Benito was so damn stupid that he said this to her face when her boyfriend was comforting her. Her boyfriend was a running back I believe, and he just beat the shit out of this lard monster for basically harassing his girlfriend.

And that's the story of how Benito is a remorseless, horrible monster. I'll likely post more about him later on. The problem is there's a lot of stories about him; I have a lot of stories about his stupidity, a few more on him being a monster, a few of him being a weeb, and a lot about his horrifying diet and eating habits.
 
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Back on topic, does anyone who has/had a livejournal remember firemikokagome and her various sockpuppets? If she wasn't complaining about her boyfriend being interested in another girl while refusing to dump him, she was pressuring people to roleplay a Sailor Moon incest ship.

Too bad at least one of her accounts got suspended. I wish there were caps.
 
So, funny story on my way home from work:

I get on the bus after an excruciatingly painful day at my job (I've been getting sick more and more recently and haven't figured out why. In other words, business as usual). And I get into my usual spot in the back of the bus when who would come on the bus but someone who was clearly more autistic than I was. Now I normally don't discriminate people like that since I myself am one (I only do that if the person's an incredible idiot, like Chris). But man oh man was this guy one of the bad ones I've ever encountered- dude would not shut up for more than, I'd say, half a second.

And on top of that, I'm pretty sure the dude was both a furry and a brony because he just borrowed the movie Balto from the library near my work and mentioned something about MLP. Though by that point, I moved because frankly, I would not want to sit around someone who just yammers to himself out loud and not shut up. Now I can't say for sure if he was a lolcow, but he definitely felt like he could have been one given the chance.
 
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So I'm in the mood to tell more stories on Benito, so let's actually go into some of the horrible stories involving him and food.

Now, Benito is a very fat person; last I've heard, the guy clocks in at about 600 lbs; right around the point where he can just barely walk. As an aside, he's only in his early 20s, so you can actually describe this guy as the missing Slaton Brother if you want; it's fitting and he is genuinely a wreck of a person regarding physical health. How'd he get so fat you ask? Simple: he doesn't work out and eats a shitton of food, most of it really unhealthy. To fully understand this, allow me to describe Benito's common diet. From Breakfast to Second Dinner.

Benito, like a Hobbit, eats a lot of food multiple times a day. However, Benito beats the shit out of the wee folk in amount and frequency; whereas a Hobbit has six meals a day, Benito scarfs down seven meals a day. He typically has what I like to call Breakfast, Second Breakfast, Elevenses, Brunch, Linner, Dinner, and Second Dinner in that order. Not a single one of these meals are small; he routinely eats at least a couple of pounds a food per meal; usually a bit more, since that's the weight of the main course. This isn't including snacks mind you; these are the main meals that he eats in one day. If you include snacks, the numbers skyrocket.

The imbecile loves him some food, and none of it is remotely what you describe as healthy. He once compiled and gave to my buddy Cole (and thus to me indirectly) his top ten favorite dishes. It is to my eternal regret I don't fully remember the list, but I do remember over half of it, and that half is amazing and fucking horrible. Let's begin:

Ketchup was in his list. Yes, the condiment by itself is one of his favorite foods ever; I think it popped in at like nine or so. He also couldn't spell ketchup; he spelt it like kethcup or something like that. I'm pretty sure that he also put in mustard as a favorite too, but this is unconfirmed and I don't recall it too well.

Ice Cream Sandwiches is like one of two that I remember the number for. It's his fourth favorite food, and probably the most normal one of the bunch. Yes it's unhealthy as shit, but hey, Ice cream is delicious.

He also apparently, for reasons known only to the dead, likes brownies filled in with ketchup. I'm not joking; he thinks that shit is delicious and he once actually baked a set of that for his church meeting. No one ate it of course, because I believe he told people what he did to make it; I perfectly understand that reluctance.

I do remember one of his favorite dishes, and this deserves it's own section; it's that bad. For you see, one of his favorite dishes is a little something you might have heard of. It's called lard.

Yes. He eats lard.

He genuinely loves the stuff, by itself and as a condiment. He uses it as a condiment for his favorite dish, a monstrosity I call the lardburger, where he slathers it on a 2.5 lb patty, pours ketchup and mustard on it, and eats it. He also has put it on pizza too, which was also on the list. He loves lard so much that he has eaten multiple brands of the stuff and has found a favorite; a brand called Cream's. He actually threw a tantrum once when his mom refused to buy him lard to eat; I am not joking, he threw a shitfit over not eating pig fat. This is real life; I think.

This actually leads into the final tale I think I'll tell of Benito; how my pal Cole discovered his love of lard, and the ramification this had on his sanity as a person.

You see, the gang was actually at Benito's house, because he had copies of the Ace Combat series and dogfight simulators are the bon diggity. So Benito gets hungry during the gaming session and goes downstairs to make a snack for himself. A few minutes later, Cole went downstairs to get something to drink. When he went down there, he saw Benito eating a bowl of what looked like cool whip. Cole loves him some cool whip, so he asked for some of it. But then Benito states that he probably won't like it, since this was not cool whip, but fucking lard. That basically made Cole do a 180 at him and then he just shook his head, got his drink, and related this to the gang. The reaction was amazement, laughter, and horror.

So there's part two of my long diatribe on Benito. I'll probably write up another story on this guy later in the week.
 
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There was this kid I knew in high school who had this fetish for trains. Like, he was completely obsessed with the things. Whenever I was in the same class as him I can guarantee you that he brought up his future or past instances of train watching.

But rather than just being a sad old man in a teenager's body, this guy also thought of himself as a talented singer. Surprisingly, he was terrible. He sounded like he was gargling mashed potatoes while enthusiastically warbling songs by some boy bands.
He deleted all criticism.

When that wasn't enough for him, he thought he'd become part of the Let's Play scene, by recording Grand Theft Auto on his TV with a smartphone camera and laughing at his own scripted jokes.

Haven't heard too much about him now, but all he uploads to his YouTube account these days is just video upon video of trains.
 
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I think one of my aunt's is my favorite personal lolcow. She's kind of one of those loveable trainwrecks. Like the time she shit herself in a Kroger and the turd went down her pantleg and she just kind of kicked it out and walked away. Then proceeded to call my mom to tell her about it, then again at Thanksgiving dinner to the family.

I have many stories.
 
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Yaks said:
I think one of my aunt's is my favorite personal lolcow. She's kind of one of those loveable trainwrecks. Like the time she shit herself in a Kroger and the turd went down her pantleg and she just kind of kicked it out and walked away. Then proceeded to call my mom to tell her about it, then again at Thanksgiving dinner to the family.

I have many stories.
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I must hear more about Aunt Turd Kicker.
 
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One of my personal lolcows, an actually well-meaning autistic girl my own age I volunteered with in school, has a girlfriend. She had a huge crush on me and wrote a fucking weird Polar Express fanfiction staring the two of us that she eventually took down. She somehow found another austistic lesbian who's obsessed with trains and steampunk. They're taking a trip to train sites of interest in New York together this summer and are thinking of writing a lesbian steampunk novel centered around trains together. She also held an entire conversation with me without mentioning a single train part so her continued social lessons are obviously going well.

I'm actually pretty happy for her.
 
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I don't know if this belongs here, or the "DeviantArt Horrors" thread, but here goes...

I know this guy from Deviantart with a fetish for toilet plungers on girls' butts. The girls who get plungered are usually aged 8-16 and from cartoons and animes. Yes, yes, strange fetishes are basically DA's trademark, I know. But, let me finish!

He is obsessed to the point of constantly asking me if I've seen pics of this subject lately. This, after I've told him multiple times that I don't go looking for it like he does. I'm not the only one he bothers, either. He goes to several artists(having no artistic ability of his own), volunteering to be their writer and give them "ideas." This is an obvious ruse to get them to fulfill his kinks.

If that's not bad enough, he's managed to brow beat me into reading his terrible Kingdom Hearts rip-off fanfiction. Basically, an out of character Bart Simpson becomes the "Chosen One," gets a key blade, and teams up with Pokemon and other copywrited characters to fight "evil parodies." It's Sonichu level unimaginative drivel.

A typical sperg, he has an insanely narrow range of interests and preferences. So, only cartoon girls of a specific age, in modern/school settings, with their boyfriends or brothers, with "classic cartoon gags"(i.e. plungers on butts). Absolutely no wiggle room.

And, if he leaves a comment, it'll always, ALWAYS just be "Cool" or "Cute," followed by at least nine exclamation points and a smiley emoticon. When confronted on this, he says he can't think of anything more to say. He can't be bothered to say why something is cool or cute.
 
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I'm pretty sure I work with a lolcow. I will call her Amy for this.
Amy came on two years ago to take on my department's billing opening. She has admitted herself to be ADHD but "I don't need meds for it"... she says as she follows people around the office and HAS to react to anything happening near her. I'm pretty sure she's also OCD as things absolutely have to be a certain way... like the day that she was obsessing over getting our dummy invoices that we write up in Excel to PERFECTLY match the invoices our billing software prints out... all while she had 30+ slips to price and bill, sitting on her desk. She is also really, really rude if she decides she doesn't like someone, and will try to justify it or to disregard your opinion by acting like you're being mean because you're upset or stressed, etc.

For example, this exchange happened yesterday:
Coworker who has only been here a year and is kind of dumb (but bless her she tries and tries) comes over to complain about one of our national accounts not giving a big enough NTE amount for the work that was done, as well as to try and figure out how to fix the problem. Amy just starts with the "mmhms" so I know she's not paying the woman any mind, so I jump in to help explain. After coworker leaves with a better understanding, Amy goes "thanks for helping out, I just couldn't deal." (Note: "I couldn't/can't deal" is her power phrase. And it was also like 8:30AM. We start work at 8.)

"She needed help," I reply, "since you were obviously just going to ignore her and hope she would leave you alone, despite the fact that you DO need to help her with this."

Amy is quiet for a moment. "Oh that's right," she finally says, "you were babysitting (friend's really annoying and hyperactive daughter) yesterday."

"Yeah, but my point still stands." She makes a face and proceeds to ignore me until lunch. We sit right next to each other, so that's nearly impossible for either of us to do. More so when her definition of "I'm ignoring Lady Houligan" is to sigh and carry on as loudly as possible.

She also got mad at me this afternoon because she started sperging about a certificate we received from the local fire department for something our company did had "too many fonts on it" and "oh God there's Papyrus", and I rolled my eyes and said "like you're even using your degree, come on". (Not that I am either, but at least I don't start acting like I'm a fucking authority on education whenever a passing chance comes up that I could.) She pulled the face again and got all huffy about "well it doesn't look professional". One of our coworkers chimed in with "I don't care if their thoughtful gesture doesn't look professional, I'd rather they were professional when it came down to doing their ACTUAL JOB of being firefighters" and I started coughing from trying so hard to not laugh at how pissy she looked.

She's also a fucking snob, on top of being downright awkward as fuck. She tries to start arguments when she's convinced she's right about something that no one else cares about. She will constantly tell you that she's had the top ranked beer on some beer list that, again, no one cares about. Any attempts to take her anywhere to try and cheer her up are met with her being rude and condescending: she and my husband (who was her friend in high school) went out for drinks at a bar one night last year to watch some hockey, he started talking to a stranger sitting on his other side about computers, and when prodded to join the conversation Amy pointedly said "I know I have nothing of value to contribute" and resumed looking off into space. All the girls from our department went out for drinks another time and she would barely contribute to the conversation THEN, and she knew all four of us. She also will act like she's completely in the know about video games when all she ever does is watch her fuckbuddy play his games when she goes to visit him in the next state over for a weekend. Worst of all, if there's nothing going on for her in terms of weekend plans, she will spend the entire weekend by herself. Not even calling or texting people locally to see if they want to hang out, she will just sit on her couch alone and watch Youtube or lurk on Facebook for hours on end. And you can tell when a weekend's gone by that she's had no social interaction since Friday because she comes into work Monday even more goddamn weird than normal.

Bonus round: she used to complain to me repeatedly about how "no one understands how hard it is to do my job" until I pointed out that both myself and another coworker have VERY RECENTLY been the ones in her position, and I did even more than she ever has because quite a few tasks moved with me into my current position because the office as a whole knew I could manage. Such as ALL the billing for extinguishers and hoods, which is more than half of all monthly billing in terms of number of slips turned in. She stopped whining to me about it after that.
 
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